Tonight’s finale will change one performer’s life forever, as they are awarded a $1 million Las Vegas headlining contract, and the title of The Entertainer. It will also change all viewers’ lives forever, as we will lose one hour of our life we will never be able to reclaim. Will the performers survive the stress of the final show? Will we viewers survive the boredom of this final show? These questions and more will be answered as we relive the final moments of Wayne’s World.
Reality Television 101
Wayne’s people have apparently been doing some homework, as a brief recap of the previous shows flies across our screens. We are reminded of such heart-stopping drama *sigh* as Paul’s breakdown, Joe sending flowers to Sarah, Theresa’s tears, and Nathan’s brush with the dark side in suggesting they cheat during one of the challenges. You know something is wrong when even the highlights are yawn-inducing. Obviously, somebody’s been cutting a few of Prof. Burnett’s classes, because something is definitely lacking in this show. We have been watching these lovely, talented people for weeks now, and yet we know nothing about them. How can we care what happens to these fine folks, if we have no reference for who they are as people? The premise for this show is a good one, and yet the way it has played out leaves a blech taste in my mouth, and a yearning for a good gargle and some stimulating conversation. That, and maybe a cocktail or two, or three, or four.
Mile High Club
Wayne, Frances and Scotty are on Wayne’s airplane, evaluating the remaining four contestants. My immediate thought is, are they flying somewhere in particular, or are they simply out for a joy ride? I suppose when you have that kind of money, why would you have meetings in an office? I’d be tempted to do almost all my business (yes, even that business) in the air if I had a private plane at my disposal. Anyway, as they gad about the skies, they begin to review each contestant’s overall performance. Frances reminds Wayne that Delisco made a great gondolier; he was spontaneous, but he was not very aggressive. Jennifer had her weakest performance at the USO show. They remind each other Dave didn’t fall for the bad advice. And then they get to Sarah. Everyone sighs heavily and shakes their head, and Scotty says her inexperience is so bright it shines like a patent-leather shoe. Well, actually, he just said it was shiny. I added the shoe comment, in a desperate, weak attempt to add some life into this train-wreck. They are so serious about this, it makes me feel guilty for not caring. Then I quickly remember this isn’t my fault. The blame can be placed squarely on the shoulders of the yahoos who created, produced and edited this show. I immediately feel better. *Yes!*
Back in the suite, Wayne meets with the hopefuls to inform them they will be performing for a live Las Vegas audience. This will be their big moment to show what they have learned, and he assures them one will be named The Entertainer, and will receive the contract. As they begin to leave the room, Sarah is told to stay behind. Uh oh. This can’t be good. Sarah looks like the proverbial deer, and Wayne explains that as her friend, and as a gentleman, and a mentor, he has to be honest with her. She is just not ready to perform an hour and a half nightly, and he says she should not go forward. Did this just suddenly occur to him? Are we supposed to think that up until a few hours ago, he thought she was ready, but he suddenly had a change of heart? Whatever. Sarah says a very tearful, but classy goodbye to her roommates, and surprisingly no one is affected much. Gee, they don’t even seem to care much about each other. One less competitor, I guess.
Like A High School Talent Show…Only A Little Glitzier
As the audience begins to settle in, Dave tries to stay calm, Delisco looks pretty comfortable, and Jennifer once again worries she “doesn’t have all of her voice.” Like God, a booming voice is heard overhead announcing Wayne, and he gets a standing ovation, although after closer inspection, it’s obvious some people just can’t be bothered. I wonder how much they had to pay to get in, or if perhaps, admission was free. Or could it be the audience members were paid to sit through this amateur contest? Sitting in prominent seats in the front of the auditorium are the other entertainer wannabes who were booted earlier in the season: Jacquie, Marla, Nathan, Theresa, Joe and most recently Sarah. I notice Paul is conspicuously missing, and I’m guessing the sanitarium wouldn’t give him a 24-hour pass.
I’ve decided to use their E! descriptions one last time for the good of mankind. By the way, I feel the need to proclaim my hatred of the ‘!’ in ‘E!’ It forces me to type it with much enthusiasm, when really I’m not feeling the thrill at all.
Jennifer Joseph, The Sexy Diva
Our darling comes out singing, (You Make Me Feel Like) A Natural Woman. Jennifer can definitely sing soul. There aren’t a lot of people who could take on Aretha Franklin, but she is cranking it out. In fairness to her concerns about her voice, she does sound like she’s wrestling with the remains of a cold, but in some ways, it helps with the bluesy, raspy feel of the song. Her father and boyfriend are in the audience, and it’s nice to know she’s got family pulling for her. Her father is extremely proud, and her boyfriend tells us he “loves her to death.” I’ve never understood that sentiment. Why is loving someone to death a good thing? If you love someone to death, don’t they die? Where’s the good in that? This is the kind of question that rumbles around in my vacuous head, along with the all-important conundrum of paper or plastic. Anyway, she does a knock-out performance, and the audience jumps to it’s feet with a lot more enthusiasm than they showed Wayne. Which brings me to another question. Does that bother Wayne? Her next song, Son of A Preacher Man, seems a little too fast to me, but then if I knew as much about singing as Jennifer, I wouldn’t be recapping, so maybe she knows best. She does wow the audience, though, and she looks very comfortable on stage. She says it took a few minutes to get loose, but she thinks she did really well.
Dave Russo, The Wise Guy
It’s Dave’s turn to entertain the masses, and he begins his act with the joke about the limo being parked out front. From there he goes on to the jokes about being home-schooled by his Italian mother. His parents are in the audience, and enjoy watching their son perform. The camera pans the audience, then pauses on a woman who looks like she’s in the witness protection program. She’s wearing a large floppy hat, with a scarf attached, and I find it interesting they would clearly put her on camera. Most of his jokes go over quite well, but a few seem to sort of hang in the air. I don’t envy comedians. Some people seem to enjoy making them squirm in a “go ahead, try to make me laugh” kind of way. I’d love to know what Mom and Dad thought of his penis joke, though. That had to be uncomfortable for them. *wince* He finishes up with a standing ovation, and his mom and dad are truly proud, saying this is the pinnacle of his career. Backstage, Dave says he feels good, but he needs a beer, ha! I’m right there with you, my friend. He thinks the audience may have missed a punch line or two, but he had fun.
Delisco, The Showstopper
Does Delisco not have a last name? The other contestants were introduced by their first and last names, but Delisco apparently has the Madonna/Cher thing going on. Even his two friends in the audience don’t have last names. They are identified simply as John and Mike. He begins his act with the Stevie hit (Wonder, that is *wink, wink*), Sir Duke, and really engages the audience. He encourages them to sing, clap, and generally join in on his fun. He then changes tempo, as he sings an original song he dedicates to his grandmother. Jennifer tells Dave backstage that Delisco is shining, but I remember Wayne’s warning not to sing original songs in a venue like this, because the audience won’t recognize the song, and therefore, won’t appreciate it. However, in a glaring contradiction, the audience seems to be truly enjoying him, so it’s possible this might be some of that bad advice they should avoid. During the song, Delisco hits some high notes that I’m sure shattered glass within five hundred yards, so I hope safety glasses were provided. As he finishes up his set, he jumps down hard on the last note, takes his bow, then once backstage, collapses on the floor wincing in pain. Apparently he landed awkwardly on his knee, and he laughs as he’s writhing on the floor in pain. Jennifer gets some ice, and she and Dave tell him he “kicked ass.” He appears to be very happy with his performance, but suffering a little from his display of happy feet.
It’s Hammer Time
Frances, Scotty and Wayne confer after the show, and are very proud of all three of them. Wayne says he saw things tonight that he has been waiting to see. I’m thinking he wouldn’t have had to wait so long if he hadn’t had them doing such stupid things as planning weddings or sword fighting all these many weeks. They think Jennifer was good, but describe Delisco as “blowing the doors off of it.” With great dramatics, the judges agree this will be a very difficult decision, and it’s obvious they are desperately trying to create some last-minute tension and drama, but they just don’t know how. I suggest, no, make that plead, they consult Professor Burnett before they consider attempting The Entertainer, Part Deux.
In the meantime, Delisco, Jennifer and Dave rehash how they feel about their own performances, and it’s easy to tell there is a nice rapport between them. I’m sure they will all do well with this kind of exposure. Winning the competition is just one aspect of a show like this. All three of them are very talented, and surely talent scouts have been watching, and are already making phone calls to further their careers, and those of the entertainers, ha.
Let’s Get This Party Started
Wayne brings our three friends out on stage, and begins to critique Jennifer’s performance. He tells her she lit up the stage, her choices of material were wonderful, and that she looked beautiful.
He tells Dave he was astounded by his talent, adding he is a great comedian and always connects with his audience.
To Delisco, he says this was the finest he’s ever seen him, and this is probably just the tip of the talent iceberg. He adds that he was fabulous.
Back to Jennifer. He asks her to step forward, and as Dad and Boyfriend watch, he says the party’s over. He has her step back, and her father looks crushed. She throws an “it’s okay” nod to him, and Dad wipes his eyes.
With a heavy tone, Wayne tells Delisco to step forward, which leads us to believe, he’ll also be told the party’s over. Dave looks hopefully at his mom, and she returns his gaze with raised eyebrows of excitement. There’s the long pause for a cheap stab at drama, as Wayne says…haltingly…the…party…is…ju st beginning. “Delisco, you are The Entertainer.” The audience stands up and applauds, the band begins to play, stars twinkle brighter in the skies, and somewhere in the heavens, an angel gets his wings. Dave has a look of “damn, I’ve been snookered,” and Jennifer is trying hard to smile. Delisco is, of course, thrilled, and soon Dave and Jennifer are hugging him, showing great sportsmanship and maturity. When Wayne asks Delisco how it feels to be The Entertainer, he says he’s numb, but excited. Wayne goes on to say he’s been in many audiences, and he’s never been so moved, and that Delisco is quite an inspiration. He congratulates him and Delisco savors the moment. Beauty pageants may have crowns and sashes, but Wayne has decided his coronation will include a gold-plated
phallic symbol, er microphone. With great aplomb he presents this questionable trophy to Delisco. Dave says Delisco was the most beloved housemate, and I feel terribly cheated. We never got a hint of that at all. Nevertheless, I’m happy Delisco will have his headliner show, and I’m convinced Jennifer and Dave will do quite well for themselves with this television exposure. I’m happy Wayne will return to concentrating on his Vegas show, but frankly I’m happiest simply to see this show end. If you’re glad it’s finally over, too, contact me… firstname.lastname@example.org.