It’s been a tough week. I’m tired. I’m weary. I have a runner in my nylons. Err, umm…I tore my favorite pair of Z Cavariccis. Last week we became divided again after the election. I swear this is worse than a sixth grade dance. Boys on one side, girls on the other. Nobody’s talking and the power ballads of REO Speedwagon are playing in the backround. How do we get past this and move on you ask? Why Dog of course. Thirty minutes of cinematic art- the tears, the laughter, the obligatory ripping out of the spleen- is all it takes to make even the most worn out person turn their frown upside down. So without further adieu….
Going Back, Back To The Beginning
We’re in Denver. Well I’m not, but Dog is and since I’m a huge fan I like to consider myself a part of the team. So yeah, like I was saying, we’re in Denver. For those of you just tuning in, Denver is the ole stomping grounds of Dog. Born and raised in the Mile High City, Dog and Beth got their start in the bounty hunter business on “bail bonds row”, a virtual mecca of mullets, polyester suits, gold teeth and half smoked cigarette butts. Home sweet home.
My schoolboy crush on Beth reawakens at the first sight of her. My breathing becomes shallow, my pulse quickens, my knees give way. Nobody, not even Pat Benetar, can pull off her outfit of the day. A spray painted on red halter top, a ragged and purposely ripped black over-shirt delicately covering her soft and milky skin. Skintight leggings, Motley Crue era boots and newly frosted hair round out this angel sent from above. *vacuums drool from chin*
As Dog looks around he points out the city jail across the street and mentions all of the thousands of criminals he’s helped lock up. He’s told his name is scrawled on those walls more than the word “pig”. Hey Dog, not sure if anyone told you yet, but “pig” is so not PC. We prefer to use the words “5-0” or “Fuzz“.
Our first victim is Michael Hernandez, wanted for felony DUI. It’s Leland’s turn to give the briefing and I might say he’s getting better at this bounty hunter thing. From clumsy puppy to junkyard dog, he’s grown up right in front of our eyes. Dog has a little moisture forming in his eyes, but it’s not time for him to cry just yet. Nope that comes later.
Today’s snatch and grab is a “pure bounty”. Dog explains that a pure bounty is simply you bring the guy in and you get paid. Fail to bring him in and you’ll be searching the trashcans in the back alley for dinner. It’s straight up. It’s simple. It’s time to rock.
No action sequence would be complete without the 70’s style guitar riffs and dazzling percussion beats. This time is no different, save for the fact that it’s done entirely with bongos and a ukulele. A little Don Ho never hurt anyone.
The crew know exactly who’s doing what and take up their positions around the house. A knock on the door and surprise: Michael Hernandez was already whisked away by the Fuzz yesterday or so says his wife. Leland is convinced that he should still get some compensation since he wanted his dad to go get him yesterday. Momma Beth isn’t buying it. Dog and the crew have a good chuckle as the bewildered wife of the perp looks out from her door. Dog explains the silly antics of his son and asks the wife if she wants the prize. The wife says sure and Dog says Leland is the prize. The wife gives the “talk to the hand cause the face ain’t listening” gesture and says no thanks. Ouch! You could hear the invisible smack across Leland’s cheek. A quick check with the office and yep, Hernandez was taken away yesterday. Bummer.
It’s another day. Another day to put way those pesky bail jumpers and crooks. It’s dark, dreary and rain begins to fall. I’m beginning to think this city sucks. What, no sunshine?
Today’s task is to pick up Kelly McCallon, who failed to appear in court a few weeks earlier. According to Youngblood (that would be Tim for all of you Dog wannabe’s), this looks like a good case to take. Luckily for Youngblood, Kelly happens to have a co-signer on her release forms. With a few phone calls and some good vocal disguise, Youngblood is able to find out where she lives.
Suited up and seat belted into the Mystery Machine, Dog comments on how crappy the weather is. See, I’m not the only one who noticed. Looks like Dog might have to “cuff a tornado” with how nasty it is.
Along the way we get to hear a little more about Dog’s upbringing on the wrong side of the tracks. Factories and railroads make up this section of town. Beth however, is the daughter of a major league pitcher. Could this have been the inspiration behind the great S.E. Hinton novel The Outsiders? Probably not. Ponyboy and Cherry Valance decide to put business on hold for a bit and take a trip down amnesia lane.
It’s a sentimental moment for Dog and Leland as they reminisce about growing up. Dog inherited the house after his granpappy passed away and when they lived in it, it was the purtiest house on the block. They had the greenest grass around. Dog and Leland used to catch night crawlers in the front yard and sell them for a nickel on the block.
The floodgates open up. No, not from the sky but from Dog’s eyes. Understandably so, I might add, as this old house looks like crap. Dog is thankful that he and his father were able to mend fences before he passed away. Dog’s crying, Beth’s crying, heck, now I’m crying. Composure people. You’re about to nab a nasty skank who’s on the lam.
You’re never going to guess what happens next. Well, if you saw the show then you would, so lets pretend you didn’t, mkaay? Turns out our skanky vixen was hauled off while Dog was at his old house. Fifteen minutes earlier and Dog would’ve added another notch to his holster. Ever the positive bounty hunter, Dog is more glad to have to visited home than to have handled that scum.
Dog Never Strikes Out!
If you think A&E is going to have a whole show where Dog strikes out three times, think again. I’m excited and reinvigorated as we hear about Alonso Quintana. Seems ‘Zo has a bit of a nasty side to him. He’s wanted for menacing and reckless endangerment and is known to carry a gun. Dog has to capture this fool before he goes around bustin’ a cap in someone’s ass.
Using the K.I.S.S. method Dog calls Alonso’s phone number that he had listed. Score! Dog impersonates the bookkeeper of the bond company and asks if he can meet up with Alonso to sign some forms. Alonso isn’t fooled one bit and knows it’s Dog. How he knew that big Dog was in town beats the heck out of me. Alonso then goes on to explain that he’s already trying to get his life back together and doesn’t want to lose his job.
Dog is touched and tells Alonso he’ll try to get him a tardy note for when he goes to court. What happened to the mace spraying, finger breaking Dog that we all have come to know and love? I couldn’t tell you and neither could Beth nor Mary Ellen, the woman who Dog is doing the work for.
Beth begins grilling Dog for some answers: “No mace?” “No action?” Boy, I’ll tell ya, she looks sexy with steam coming out her ears.
Mary Ellen gives Dog the same verbal treatment: “Cuff him! Cuff his ass and bring him in!”
You’d think Dog has learned over time never to get into a pissing contest with a woman, let alone two women. But then again, Dog is Dog and he knows what he’s doing. It’s time to do things his way-Doggy style.
Dog drives towards where Alonso lives and calls him on his cell. Dog instructs him to meet him at the local strip mall. Surprisingly, Alonso is there with bells on and Dog begins his ministry about the evils of being a criminal. I pictured Alonso to be some built-like-a- truck-bad ass, but in reality, he’s a punk who’s probably spent more time chillaxin in front of the PS2 with a bag of Dorito’s than out on the block gangbanging. Fo Shizzle, my nizzle.
If Alonso turns himself in at 7am at Mary Ellen’s bond office, then he’ll get a tardy note to give to the judge. If not, Alonso better start running. Or at least buy his own soap on a rope. Or both. Dog really believes that ‘Zo can turn himself around as evidenced by him wanting to keep his job. Alonso swears on his mother he will follow the rules. Now, you can swear on a lot of things- your dog, your scab collection, your frilly maids outfit that you keep for special occasions- but when you swear on your momma, you just know he’s going to follow through.
Alonso is thrilled at being given a
hundrethsecond chance. I’m once again reduced to a pile of sobbing jelly. I can’t help it.
The Almighty Dog
It is there in the parking lot, rain cascading off his mullet like water off a ducks back, that Dog leaves us with his wisdom for the show: “Where mercy is shown, mercy is given”. He rode the storm out alright. And that my friends, is why Dog is the baddest bounty hunter in town. Eloquence, muscles and a flair for fashion. A perfect trifecta.
I guess looking back at this week it wasn’t so bad after all. Now excuse me, I’m off to listen to my REO Speedwagon album.
Oh and by the way, Alonso showed up ten minutes early.
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