I was laying in bed last night thanking my lucky stars for landing me this gig of recapping Dog the Bounty Hunter. Ok, the season‘s almost over, but it’s never too late to start right? This show rocks! There, I said it. It’s the ultimate show for date night. Diamond hard pecs and chiseled abs for the ladies. Bone smashing and bleeped out swearing for the dudes. It’s a perfect mix. So grab the bubbly baby and lets weave our way through this wacky maze of the Chapman family adventures.
Home Sweet Home
It’s another beautiful day in paradise. The sun is shining, birds are chirping and Dog in his blue camouflage jammies presents a sight too magical to behold. *sigh* Now lets get one thing straight. Dog is a bad ass. There’s no other human on this planet that can pull off a blonde mullet, 5 o’clock shadow and blue cammy jammies. Ok, maybe Randy “The Macho Man” Savage but he’s old and icky, so for that he gets major props.
Mrs. Dog, aka Beth feels the need to explain that she doesn’t know what living in a normal house is. She lives in a house that works 24/7/365. Damn honey, slow down. You live in freakin Hawaii for crying out loud. The Doglets are running around creating general mayhem. Beth is on the phone handling business, fluffing her 1986 bleached hair teased so high she has to duck under the ceiling fan. Clad in a dainty red, white and blue tank top, Beth is sexy and she knows how to work it. And according to my girlfriend, she also has a rack to die for. I hadn’t noticed. I’m too anxious for the skull smashing to begin.
You can’t help but notice the unusual love in the family. Rough and tough on the outside. Tender and gentle on the inside. Yes, Daddy Dog is a genuine teddy bear at heart. Just don’t call him Daddy Dog to his face…or so I‘ve been told.
This Time It’s Personal
The day wouldn’t be complete without Dog beating down the door of some unsuspecting fugitive and today it begins at Da Kine Bail Bonds, Dog’s family run business. I’m sure by the end of the series I’ll figure out what Da Kine really means, but for now I’m contempt to just nodding my head, mentally making a note to bring my Pidgin dictionary home from work.
Today’s victim is Floyd Chapman. Yep, it’s a Chapman and Dog ain’t digging it. With over 6, 000 arrests, Dog has never arrested anyone with the same last name. Seems Floyd was on work furlough and forgot to check in. Woopsie-daisey, that makes Dog mad. He’s no Sherlock Holmes, but Dog has a few tricks up his sleeve and with the help of his kinfolk, pretty boy Floyd should be in the slammer by sunset.
Dog begins by calling Floyd’s mommy and altering his accent to sound like someone else. Who is he kidding…the accent sounds the same albeit a little more understandable. Dog explains to mommy Floyd that he was once her sons homey at the Oklahoma Penn. Apparently, momma Floyd is a sucker because she falls for that hook, line and sinker. Momma needs ten minutes to find out where her son is.
Not one to rest on his laurels, the bondsmen need further proof of where Floyd is. Enter Leland, Dog’s son. Apparently Leland isn’t all the way through his training as a bounty hunter as he has yet to earn the coveted Chapman mullet. In time my son…in time. Leland calls up the jail and talks to his “bra” and finagles Floyd’s girlfriends cell phone number. Dog, in his undercover voice, calls momma back and she gleefully gives Dog the number and where he is staying. What an idiot. High fives all around, and it’s time to get nasty.
Once again it’s time for an intimate moment with Dog. He’s not happy that another Chapman is wanted by the law. This make Dog angry. Dog no like people disrespecting family name. Dog go break arms.
Armed with the latest in fishnet undershirts, furry handcuffs, and a can of silly string, the Chapman boys are ready to roll. It’s Hammer time.
Oh, that can of silly string. It’s mace. Not just your run of the mill mace, but the kind that can peel skin off an elephant in 2.3 seconds flat. Imagine your kid brother’s super-soaker condensed into the size of Binaca spray. Yep, that kind of mace.
Convict, You’re Fired
The Starsky and Hutch-esque music in the backround can only mean one thing. Dog and company are about to catch their prey. They pull into the apartment complex and notice Floyd’s girlfriend walking from her car to the apartment. The gang pile out of the mini-van and stealthily follow the girlfriend up the stairs with 7 camera men and sound boys in tow.
A knock on the door and the girlfriend says she is the only one home. Not one to believe her, Youngblood, who is Dog’s brother pushes his way through and stumbles upon the perp. Imagine that. Armed with a Handycam, Beth is videotaping all the action. Not that the orgy of cameras already there won’t catch it all, but I digress. Beth doesn’t like that the girlfriend lied. She done pissed her off. Beth lets her know that and shoves the cam in her face to make sure she is aware of being guilty of aiding and abetting a fugitive.
On the way to the van Floyd is verbally humiliated in front of his girlfriend and her family. Digging deep into his reality television sound byte memory, Dog musters up a “Convict, you’re fired!“ Cuffed and stuffed, ragged and weary, pretty boy Floyd is courteously buckled in the mini-van. Dog is pissed and is about a second away from boxing Floyd’s eyebrows off his face. Could this be the obligatory blood shedding scene? Alas it is not. Now I’m pissed. Apparently Floyd is unaware that he shares the same name as Dog, but Dog doesn’t care. Floyd is heading to a motel without a window, but not before Beth corrects him with “it’s a room without a view!” Potato/ potahto…we knew what he meant.
Buck up young lad
Dog takes the family name very serious. Because of that, he explains to Floyd that he was once a criminal back in the day. The Chapman’s aren’t good at being criminals and it’s time for Floyd to seek a new profession. Seems ole Dog spent 18 months in the slammer on a murder rap that turned out to be false. I have this sneaking suspicion that while in jail, Dog was never anyone’s prison beyotch but I’ve been known to be wrong before.
What infuriates Dog even more is that we now find out that Floyd’s girlfriend isn’t his girlfriend. She’s his wife and she’s five months preggers. Yowzas! Floyd needs to shape up and care for his family. It’s what Chapman’s do. And because he is a Chapman, Dog is going to cut him a break if he promises to straighten out. I’m predicting we’ll see Floyd again in a future episode, but you gotta love a bounty hunter with a heart.
Another day’s work is done. The good guy’s win again and it’s time for a little downtime at the local beach. Beth, Dog, Leland and the tiny Doglets finally have time to breathe and it’s time for Dog to offer up some more words of wisdom. When a tourist catches the Hawaiian state fish and gives it to Doglet #1, Dog explains she has to let it go, just as Dog has to sometimes let the fugitives return their natural habitat. It’s a tearful goodbye, but as the fish swims away, Dog just smiles, flicks his feathered locks away from his eyes and reminds us how much he loves his family.
P.S. In case you’re wondering, the Hawaiian state fish is the humuhumunukunukuapua`a. You’ll be tested on it next week.
How do you style your mullet? Email me at: firstname.lastname@example.org