Dancing With The Stars 4 - 3/26/2007 Recap: Do Over Deluxe

[MsFroggy]

In an effort to make even their least talented “stars” thoroughly earn their paychecks, the show returns this week to put them to a new test before someone is unceremoniously kicked back to the semi-obscurity where they came from. I have no objection to that, as it means I can shave at least 200 words off of my next recap, for which I'm sure you'll thank me later. ShrinkingViolet will bring you Tuesday's results show when one of the contestants will bid their final tearful goodbye, never to be seen or heard from again. Hopefully. This week, however, it's time to sit through another two excrutiating entertaining hours of the women dancing the mambo and the men dancing the quickstep.

Administrative concerns
This is the second time I'm seeing that awful psychedelic intro and it's just as bad as it was the first time. I have a feeling that six weeks in I'll be seeking medical help for vertigo and blinding headaches. Samantha says that last week's show was their biggest premiere ever. I'm not sure whether she misread her cue card, which actually said 'longest', or they're recycling lines already. Now I'm really curious what she said after last season's premiere but I have a hunch that it was something along the lines of “this was our biggest premiere ever”. Call me crazy.

After the obligatory parade of this year's D-listers and their partners, the actual stars of the show, it is clear that at least wardrobically speaking – see, I'm so creative, I make up new words as I go – this show will be faithful to it's tasteless roots this week as well. There's an abundance of red, a lot of gratuitous cleavage – from both the women and the men - and sequins enough to make even a Vegas show proud. We find out that last week's scores will be combined with this week's scores and audience votes and the star who wore the least amount of revealing clothes will go home. The rankings go from Joey and Kym at the top with 24 points to Billy Ray and Karina who are at the bottom of the barrel with a pitiful 13 points.

Olympic quickstep
First up with their quickstep are Apolo and Julianne. Their training session is a mixture of friendly banter and military boot camp with Julianne cracking the whip. What I learn from this is that she knows how to yell extremely well or at least she can follow a script decently. Their quickstep is set to Phil Collins' “Two Hearts”. I'm sure Phil appreciates that. It was an energetic and earnest number and Len thinks Apolo will stay “for weeks and weeks” while Bruno whips out his trademark ham-handed metaphors and dubs it a “dancing tonic”, saying it's just what America needs. I don't know about that. I think what America needs is lower gas prices myself. Carrie didn't expect him to be this good, this early but he needs to keep the sliding to a minimum. Backstage, we find out, again, that Apolo is a five time Olympic medalist who doesn't mind being yelled at, and their score tonight is 26 with a combined total of 47 points.

The All-American, all plastic, doll duo
Shandi claims that rubbing up against Ken, er Brian, while dancing the mambo is a hardship after a scant three weeks' acquaintance. I agree, four weeks is when people usually get more comfy although in this case I'd go as far as 12 weeks. Rehearsal is punctuated by Shandi calling Brian “boy” a lot, for which I'm sure he's very grateful. To add a bit more insult to insult, she declares that she is the one wearing the pants in this duo. I'm left wondering whether Brian will show up wearing a skirt for tonight's quickstep and whether I'll need to start drinking sooner than the one hour mark. Their mambo is supremely non sexy, wooden and I can practically see her counting steps in her head. Carrie thinks she looked beautiful but there was nothing special about the dance, her hips were not moving and she looked out of sorts. Len opines that her footwork was very good, but while she coped with the difficult choreography she “forgot to sell it”. I'm not sure I'd have bought it anyway. Bruno's opinion is that Shandi should have put more brat into her Barbie act and she wasn't good enough. Their scores total a generous 20 points tonight, for a 39 combined final score.

Gliding with Goliath
It's Clyde's turn and we find out that he's been having rotator cuff problems which make lifting his elbow a pain in the shoulder. Elena thinks the best way to see whether Clyde can quickstep is to see him dunk a basketball with his back turned to the basket – oh, okay, so she actually wanted to see his footwork - so we get a completely useless montage where the two visit a basketball court. He passes that test and we dive straight into their routine. Elena can sure dance. Her quickstep is very precise and, well, quick. Clyde manages to keep up somewhat but he's awkward and just too tall. Brian mumbles something about “David and Goliath rewriting history and making music”. Did you notice that he's not always coherent? It seems he's saying that Clyde moved better and it was all a step forward. Carrie agrees that it was great, a real crowd pleaser while Len commends him for overcoming his vertical shortcomings. They get 18 points to add to their collection and amass a grand total of 34 from both nights' hard work.

Many happy returns! Just maybe not to this show
Leeza is 50 today and that justifies a whole gratuitous segment about her Grecian goddess themed birthday party, complete with fake Corinthian columns and people dressed in togas, where she dances the mambo with Tony in front of friends and family. Of course, since everyone knows that all ancient Bacchanals included the mambo. I'd like to tell you that they improved since last week but I can't. They mambo respectably, without much sexiness and even less animation. Len, who'd have liked to look like a woman when he was 50, says it's too precise and careful while Bruno recognized a proper mambo but feels she danced rather like a debutante at her first date instead of channeling a tramp. Is this guy being paid in secret by the streetwalkers' lobby to promote their “craft” on national TV? This is the second time tonight he told somebody to make themselves more slutty. Carrie wants Leeza to have fun and thinks it was good. I'm starting to realize that when the judges say “it was good” they really mean “I don't want to hurt your feelings”. Generously, they're awarded 21 points for this effort and that brings them up to a total of 36 points.

All pain and some bunny gain
Ian and Cheryl's rehearsals take a toll on Ian's body and he complains that aches and pains seem to be part of the process for him. For an unexplained reason, Ian's father and his dog visit the studio which makes Ian very happy. Ian reiterates that he's here to do his mama proud. That's nice, however, this is the second time he's telling us this and there's simply a limit to how many times any contestant is allowed to cough up the same story before it seriously gets on my nerves. Next week, better come up with something new Ian! Aside from this, their quickstep is very good. Ian has a lot of spring in his fast footwork, Cheryl is a true master and I'm having fun watching them dance. Carrie calls their quickstep solid and declares that Ian has a lot of potential that she'd like to see develop in the future. Len is unhappy with Ian's droopy elbow and his “skippy” delivery but thinks it was still a very good performance. Bruno goes one step further and says ballroom is Ian's thing but this quickstep was like watching a hare hop around the floor, calling him “Bunny Rabbit”. He also thinks Ian's frame wasn't locked properly. That pesky elbow again. The audience boos Bruno's “Bunny Rabbit” comment and I can tell that Ian just earned a truckload of votes for himself. Their scores total 22 and finally add up to 43 points for the two nights combined.

Channeling a drunk (illegal) American tourist in Havana
After last weeks breakfast, lunch and dinner at Tiffany, Paulina is back to show us whether her mambo is a five o'clock tea or a midnight snack. Right away it turns out that practice is not going smoothly. Paulina claims she has no inner Latina to bring out and doing the polka is not the same as doing the mambo. That's a very astute observation. Alec says that the audience likes dangerous moves so they'll be doing a “death drop”. I'm watching Alec grab Paulina's hands while she drops backwards almost hitting the floor and I'm waiting for that dangerous move. It turns out that was it. All this anguish over nothing. They mambo to “La Bamba” and all I can concentrate on is that she's two feet taller than Alec. The so-called death drop is anticlimactic and not terribly exciting. It all looks quite weird. Bruno says that she did a 5th Avenue mambo and she lost her way to Havana. Carrie thinks she's got great flexibility but she's not a natural. No kidding. Len calls the whole thing “stiff and starchy” and it could have done with more raunchiness. Yet another contestant is told, in quite so many words, to sex it up or pack it up. I guess Len is getting paid by the slut lobby too. Despite all the criticism they earn 21 points for their efforts, bringing them to a grand total of 40 points.

Intermission
Have you noticed that I've been very generously providing you with quite a lot of detail about rehearsals and such? My patience wears thin right around the 4th time I see the same damn dance again so I may not be so nice to the unlucky five still left in the game. Although Maks' segment will, of course, get the full royal treatment it deserves.

Mullet the scalper
The previous week's hoedown has not discouraged Billy Ray and since there has been no audience vote yet, he's back this week trying to quickstep his way as far from an early elimination as he can. Billy seems to have a good grasp of his own abilities saying that he sucks and I can't help but admire that sort of sharp introspection. Karina is frustrated by his negativity while Billy maintains that the quickstep is not a very natural dance. He should know. He's humming his only hit “Achy breaky heart” for no good reason. That's unnatural too! Now you know who he is though. Billy's daughters visit the studio to, I guess, reinforce last week's lesson in which we learned that Billy is Hannah Montana's daddy. One more week and we might even be able to remember it. Not sure though. Better play a clip of the show next week too. If there is a next week for him.

I've been trying to avoid describing their actual performance, which is set to “Ring of fire” by Johnny Cash. Country song + Billy – Karina X Billy's hair slicked back into a pseudo-mullet = QuickHoedown. Len mumbles something about a wild man at a line dance, musical valium and calls their dance “perfectly ordinary”. Bruno thinks he should forget about the bear in the swamp – last week's comment, in case you missed it - because he's now a Southern gentleman with a bit of Riverdance thrown in. Carrie votes him most improved dancer from last week. I'm going to maliciously deprive you of the entire story of Billy's “connection” to Johnny Cash, which amounts to no more than a 15 year old letter, because it's just too cheesy for words. Sorry about that. 21 points is what they get for it all, ending with a barely respectable 34 points.

Billy is tonight's winner in a little game I like to call “Who will get the most number of paragraphs?”. Congratulations Billy!

Quick on her foot
To underscore Heather's charity credentials we're treated to a whole spiel about some foundation Heather works for. Jamie Lee Curtis even puts in some celebrity face time. Wow, she's still alive? Heather says she trusts Jonathan and will allow him to throw her any which way he wants. They dance to “Mambo Italiano” which is, not surprisingly, quite the perfect music for this number. I'm thinking the producers really, really want Heather to advance. They could have made her mambo to Bohemian Rhapsody if they wanted her gone, but I guess ratings are dollars no matter how you come by them. I have to tell you though, that their dance is very good and Heather even does a back flip. A back flip! Not much mambo in that but it packs a punch for sure. Carrie can't believe it, she's blown away and says that the level of difficulty in their program was the highest out of all the dances thus far, and Heather had a lot of fun. Len says he expected her to pull off the foxtrot but he was worried about the mambo. However, she did much better with the mambo and for Len it was “absolutely right”. Bruno is duly impressed too, or shall I say over-impressed, saying she was on warp drive, “red hot Heather”. Heather's back flip earns them a better than respectable 24 points and they end up with a total score of 42.

Karate quickstep
Last week John and Edyta did a so-so cha-cha that prompted the judges to leave them with lukewarm and meaningless compliments, so this week they're determined to “kick butt”. Apparently John does karate in real life, so Edyta decides to incorporate some karate kicks into their dance. Wax on, wax off. They quickstep to a song that I vaguely remember from somewhere but I can't really place it. Judging by the lyrics, I'm pretty sure it's called “Lady is a tramp”. It seems to me that their number is shorter than the night's previous quicksteps and not very memorable. Bland would be a good word to describe it. Bruno enthusiastically declares John sold the dance and that “there is life in the old wolf”. I'm no longer willing to translate from Bruno to English but I think he means that since John didn't keel over from the quickstep, he'll live. Carrie's view is that they pulled it off, gave it pizzazz and did a good job. Len liked the performance, says John learned the dance like he would have learned his lines and I guess that's a good thing. If you can't be it, then act it. All in all, the verdict is 21 points for a grand total of 38.

Tom, the superfluous host, babbles something about Thomas Jefferson, inalienable rights and voting, which makes absolutely no sense. It's stuff like this that led me to make the easy regrettable decision to pretty much cut him out of this entire recap.

Do my biceps look good to you?
Feeling that a big part of the mambo is image, specifically his own image, Maksim informs us that a trip to the gym is in order, to bulk up those muscles in time for the show. Can't let the girl have bigger arms after all. Gratuitous gym sequence of Maks pumping iron follows, which alone should guarantee their survival for at least 5 more weeks. Laila is a demanding taskmaster, pushing him to work harder but I'm sorry to say that he seems to be struggling a bit. In the studio, however, practice goes pretty smoothly and Laila promises to show us all her spicy side this week. Laila in a yellowish dress and Maks in a sleeveless vest designed to show off his – newly? - buff arms, launch into a smoothly sexy mambo to the tunes of a Cuban sounding song. As usual Maks doesn't disappoint, moving like he was born to mambo and, by extension, I'm impressed with Laila too. He thought her well. Len feels she had great rythm, great moves and it was the best mambo of the night. Bruno claims Laila is "the mistress of the art of seduction, simply irresistible". Somebody tell this guy that constantly speaking in superlatives got old about two seasons ago. Carrie says it was hot, hot, hot and sexy, she worked the floor and Maks – gee, when was that? - and it was great. Their scores are accordingly high with 9 across the board, for a total of 27 and a combined total of 50 points. I hope you didn't forget to vote for him, I mean, her!

Kicking ass. Literally.
Joey's efforts last week earned him a cushy spot right at the top of the rankings and this week it's all about keeping up appearances. It appears though, that Joey has a problem with his backside, namely keeping it where it's supposed to stay for the quickstep, which is, we learn, not sticking out. Kym does not shy away from applying the stick to Joey's backside and we're treated to seemingly the first rehearsal session that involves spanking. More violence follows, with Kym kicking poor Joey in the face. Don't worry, it's all just pretend and designed to fill their 2 minutes of camera time. Finally it's time to quickstep to "Tell her about it". Joey is wearing tails, with a huge white J on one tail and an F on the other. It's all very stupid classy in a cheesy, dorky sort of way. Their quickstep is nice and, well, quick and I'm not falling asleep, which means it worked. The audience goes nuts and Carrie delivers the critique which consists of lots of great praise for Joey. This is echoed by Len, who says it was light, fast and Joey kept his hold well and their performance was very good. Bruno is last to comment and says Joey gave a great performance and sold it. They get 24 points, which puts them at a grand total of 48.

Epilogue
In a final effort to hog the spotlight, Tom, the hostess with the mostest, assembles all the couples for a peek at the judges' scoreboard. Right at the top are Laila/Maks, Joey/Kym and Apolo/Julianne, while the bottom is where the Leeza/Tony, Clyde/Elena and Billy Ray/Karina pairings reside. Want to move the losers higher up? You need to vote for them, Tom says. They plug the elimination show which will feature Jimmy Kimmel as a "resident expert", although they don't say what he's an expert on, and Dionne Warwick as a guest. That's almost enough to make me skip the elimination show and just read all about it from the amazing ShrinkingViolet instead.

Any suggestions on how to get Bruno to make sense at least half of the time? If so, PM me.

[Google]

 

[waywyrd]

Is this guy being paid in secret by the streetwalkers' lobby to promote their “craft” on national TV? This is the second time tonight he told somebody to make themselves more slutty.

I wonder about Len sometimes.

Loved the recap, MsFroggy!

[lildago]

Great recap, MsFroggy! I love the intermission!

[Marleybone]

There is really too much good stuff here to quote it all, but I loved this:

I've been trying to avoid describing their actual performance, which is set to “Ring of fire” by Johnny Cash. Country song + Billy – Karina X Billy's hair slicked back into a pseudo-mullet = QuickHoedown. Len mumbles something about a wild man at a line dance, musical valium and calls their dance “perfectly ordinary”.

Outstanding job, MsFroggy.

[MotherSister]

Excellent job, MsFroggy. I missed the performance show, but loved every minute of your recap.

[Jewelsy]

Great recaps, Frogs.

[famita]

MsFroggy, Great Recap! Funny, enjoyable, insightful, etc. And it gets funnier the next paragraph, and the next, and the next,....

[ShrinkingViolet]

Super recap, MsFroggy! So glad you had an intermission so Maks was able to get his "royal treatment." That was the best part of the recap.

I have no objection to that, as it means I can shave at least 200 words off of my next recap, for which I'm sure you'll thank me later.

I'm not sure whether she misread her cue card, which actually said 'longest', or they're recycling lines already.

There's an abundance of red, a lot of gratuitous cleavage – from both the women and the men - and sequins enough to make even a Vegas show proud.

I don't know about that. I think what America needs is lower gas prices myself.

The All-American, all plastic, doll duo

Len, who'd have liked to look like a woman when he was 50

Yet another contestant is told, in quite so many words, to sex it up or pack it up. I guess Len is getting paid by the slut lobby too.

My patience wears thin right around the 4th time I see the same damn dance again so I may not be so nice to the unlucky five still left in the game. Although Maks' segment will, of course, get the full royal treatment it deserves.

Billy seems to have a good grasp of his own abilities saying that he sucks and I can't help but admire that sort of sharp introspection.

Country song + Billy – Karina X Billy's hair slicked back into a pseudo-mullet = QuickHoedown.

Quick on her foot

Wax on, wax off.

I'm no longer willing to translate from Bruno to English but I think he means that since John didn't keel over from the quickstep, he'll live.

Gratuitous gym sequence of Maks pumping iron follows, which alone should guarantee their survival for at least 5 more weeks.