DWTS 5 – 9/26 Recap: Preternatural Selection

[MsFroggy]

After two nights of competition, loaded with sequins, anxiety and somewhat acceptable dancing, we've arrived at the first elimination night. Our stars were eager to prove themselves on both competition nights, and came ready to do battle fully botoxed, polished, made up, body-glittered and semi-dressed to the nines. Wayne alone wore enough pancake makeup on night two to cover the entire length of the Vegas Strip in a two inch thick layer of brown goop. Sadly tonight somebody will be forced to go back to a sequin-free life of obscurity, and I'll be mourning them pitifully. For about three seconds. Then that giddy feeling will kick in, the one I get every time I realize that there's one less filler couple I need to worry about. If you missed any of the excitement from Tuesday night, go back and read MotherSister's crisp and funny recap.

Tonight's filler entertainment will be provided by Dolly Parton, Savion Glover and Kenny Mayne. I had to google Kenny, and it turns out he was once on the show but got kicked out first in season two. Perfectly appropriate for him to be back for the first elimination then. We are treated to a recap of both nights of competition, because this show is one hour long and there has to be some content, even if it's not original content. Among other useless facts, we find out that Mark Cuban sold his company for 5.7 billion dollars. I once sold my old Pentium I desktop for $45. It had a 3GB hard drive and 50MB of memory, so I thought I made out good... Oh, well.

Len weighs in with his assessment of both competition nights, and in his opinion this was the best start to any Dancing season so far. The couple that most impressed him the first night was Sabrina and Mark, so they're back to do their Hip-Hop routine again which still doesn't resemble the Cha Cha Cha.
Incidentally they also lead the score board with 26 points, closely followed by Julianne and Helio with 25. Julie and Alec, and Floyd and Karina, are at the other end of the spectrum, with scores so low that if their scores were teenagers they wouldn't be allowed in for an R rated movie without their mommies.

All Dolly-ed up

Tom and Drew appear to have a bigger role on results nights which means I'm forced to write about them more often. They launch into tonight's first dramatic announcement, and send back the Sabrina/Mark and Jennie/Derek teams to safety. These former 90210 people seem to have a lot of fans. Can't imagine why, I never watched that show in my life. Yay! Kelly is safe! This does increase the chances of Dylan showing up in the audience in the near future. Doesn't it?

Tonight's musical guest is Dolly Parton, who starts the party with her hit “Working 9 to 5” while Julianne, Mark, Cheryl and Derek put on a lively dance number that's a mix of every dancing style known to man from Samba to line dancing. Is her song selection supposed to be a subtle stab at our hard working (but not that hard working) stars? Backstage, Drew is interviewing the men, who wait to see whether they'll be back to that F-list tonight or whether they'll stay long enough on the show to be invited to 3rd tier Hollywood cocktail parties for the not-quite-so-glitterati, when all is said and done. Cameron says he's nervous and has no idea of his chances in the competition. Drew goes around, giving all of them a bit of camera time. Pretty boy, Albert, thanks all his fans for giving him a standing ovation Tuesday night. All his fans, even the ones ABC said were his fans but were really paid extras. He didn't say that, but I read minds.

I want to skinny dip in Cameron's eyes. Drowning is so 20th century.

To fill more time between commercials, Dancing offers up audience commentary. Paid actors Enthusiastic fans gush about all the competitors, saying there wasn't a bad performance on either night. Even the new Bachelor, Brad Womack (supposedly the sexiest bachelor e.v.e.r.) and Bachelor host Chris Harrison, weigh in, noting that Josie is pretty. Very pretty. If I were a veteran reality show viewer and if I were in any way knowledgeable about editing tactics on reality TV shows, I'd call this foreshadowing. Audience members loved the men, and one overenthusiastic female viewer declares that she wanted to skinny dip in Cameron's eyes. Albert's shirt ripping tactic worked, while some thought Floyd got robbed, but everyone agrees that the competition is tough.
Finally, the next two safe couples are announced and they're: Helio and Julianne and Albert and Anna.

Tapping into the dancing Barbie zeitgeist, or something...

We find out that Macy's plunked down some cash to bring us star performances on results nights, and tap dancer Savion Glover is their first offering. Meanwhile Drew is at work again backstage talking to the first four safe couples. As you can imagine, they're all happy to continue and grateful to their fans. Savion and a two other dancers put on a show, complete with fake smoke, lots of pink lights and three tap dancing girls in the background. Sort of like a Motley Crue concert without all the bad singing.

Dolly also gets another go-round, singing “Better get to livin'” which is a new single from her new album called “Backwoods Barbie”. I'm not even going to touch that title, although I'm sorely tempted. There are at least two jokes in very poor taste that immediately come to mind, but in the interest of a shorter recap I'll spare you. I'm already up to almost 950 words here and we're nowhere near the elimination. Her song is filled with such lines as “get out there and do it” which would be the advice I'd give ABC for future results shows: just get out there and make it shorter!

Kenny Mayne gets his turn at boring us silly next, with his bit entitled “The Origins of Dance”. On a sunny deserted beach, Kenny, clad in a bizarre electric blue sequined silk shirt and black pants, walks toward the camera, his foot dragging a big clump of seaweed behind him. He traveled the world from Stonehenge to the caves of Southern Africa in search of the origins of dance, and scored an unbelievable scoop with the Geico caveman who came on record saying that Neolithic man did indeed invent the art of dancing. Kenny even went so far as to quiz the common man on the street and to gamble on horses at Ascot, all for the same noble cause. In the end his quest was successful. Dancing, it turns out, like iambic pentameter, divorce through decapitation, 5 o'clock tea and clotted cream, came from England, back in the days when you could still get at least 85 eurocents for every dollar, and America needed a new reality show. We've been fans ever since. Be advised that Kenny may be back next week. It may be safer to just read the recap and skip the show entirely.

America knows Ballroom. Really?

Two more couples are safe and I'm happy to say they're Melanie and Maks, and Cameron and Edyta. Yes! All the eye candy is coming back next week. I think it's time for a Samba night, don't you? The costumes are always skimpier on Samba night. We need to have a Samba night before Cameron, Albert and Maks are eliminated. I'm just sayin'.

We find out from the judges that our stars have been training for four weeks before the premiere. They know when somebody works hard for that great first impression, and working hard is the only way to get results. What the first show requires is a combination of physical and mental readiness. Carrie says that “America knows Ballroom” and the stars' personalities don't yet come into play on the first night, therefore the only way to impress, and win votes, is with a great performance. Jane and Tony, and Wayne and Cheryl, are both safe. The pancake make-up and Botox industries breathe a collective sigh of relief. Josie and Alec received the lowest scores on Monday night.

Also safe are Marie and Jonathan, and Floyd and Karina, which means that Mark and Kym had the lowest scores on Tuesday. Our bottom two are Josie and Alec, and Mark and Kym, and they're bathed in that ominous red light of doom that all dancers dread.

I'm too pretty for this show, too pretty for this dance, too pretty for pretense.

After a commercial – or two, or three – we're back, and Tom reveals that Josie and Alec are going home tonight. They walk over for a final talk with the judges, and Tom invites them to say something to whomever they want. A clearly bitter and disappointed Josie, tells the judges “Thanks, I guess, for being honest... is that what this is?” She also thanks the viewers who voted for her, and Alec for being a great teacher. Alec would like everyone who voted for him and Josie (all five or so people) to direct their votes toward Edyta and Cameron from now on. ABC plays The Cars' “Who's going to drive you home tonight”for their final dance. All the couples pile onto the dance floor to hug and say goodbye. Credits roll and we're finally done.

Next week all our couples dance either the Mambo or the Quickstep (damn, no Samba) and somebody will be sent packing again on Tuesday.

Forget pics of Maks. Can I have pics of Cameron instead? Before he gets eliminated. Pretty please. PM me.

[Google]

 

[DesertRose]

Great recap
Loved these two quotes:

Yay! Kelly is safe! This does increase the chances of Dylan showing up in the audience in the near future. Doesn't it?

and

Sort of like a Motley Crue concert without all the bad singing.

And if someone sends you pics of Maks by mistake, PM them to me...

[maksfan616]

And if someone sends you pics of Maks by mistake, PM them to me...

Me too. Me too. I want pics of Maks. Forget Cameron.

[lildago]

I want to skinny dip in Cameron's eyes. Drowning is so 20th century.

And not nearly as fun!

Awesome recap, Froggs!

[Jewelsy]

Awesome recap, Froggs.

[MotherSister]

Fantastic recap. I loved the whole thing, but especially this line:

Julie and Alec, and Floyd and Karina, are at the other end of the spectrum, with scores so low that if their scores were teenagers they wouldn't be allowed in for an R rated movie without their mommies.

Great job!

[upallnite]

I loved the recap, very funny. I guess I am one of the few that doesn't want to go swimming in Alberts eyes. I'm sorry but his eyes freak me out. I will watch Maks anytime over all of them, although Helio is cute in a boyish way.

[RomanticHeart]

I didn't see the show, but I'm sure your recap was much more entertaining.

[MissThing]

I missed this whole first week, so thanks for catching me up, and giving me some laughs!