Hello dear readers – tis I, Iguanachocolate, here to bring you the results of the most exciting dance contest on tv that has washed up stars, alleged star wannabe’s and a couple of contestants who may not be stars, but they once ate at the same restaurant as Pia Zadora, so ABC says, heck yeah, they are stars! Be still my heart, I may get the vapors. If you missed the performance show you can read all about it in MFWalkoff’s all star spectacular recap, here.
First we hear from Steve-O with an update on his back injury. I am not sure who he is, but apparently he is a jackass. This is clearly evident to me when he explains that he went against the advice of his partner to do the ending to his routine that ultimately injured his back. Dude, dude. You are wearing a mic pack. With the pack in the rear, on your back. A hard plastic box next to your spine. And you decide to do a flip and land on your back. On the hard plastic mic pack. And you think this is a good idea? Jackass indeed.
Steve’s explanation of his stupidity is followed by a really cool performance by Big Bad Voodoo, whom I quite enjoyed. I would have enjoyed it more if there weren’t these people cluttering up my screen distracting me. Oh, wait, what? They were dancers? They were the pro’s? Really? Oh. Well then. So, when does the next season of So You Think You Can Dance Start? Not soon enough, I say.
Apparently, and y’all may skewer me if I am wrong, but there has not been a Dance Off before on this show. A Dance Off, really? And we need this because? Seeing these people allegedly dance through one routine is not enough, we need to see it again? Sheesh. At least they could have come up with a better name for it – how about the Dance of Death? That would be a better title. In fact, that is what I shall call it from now on. Much more exciting.
And now we come to our first series of safe dancers. I have no idea how to do wave files, so y’all will just have hum the dramatic music to yourselves. I suggest the theme from those Halloween movies, just for the proper ambience. And those safe thus far are:
Lawrence Taylor and Edyta Sliwinska
Shawn Johnson and Mark Ballas
Chuck Wicks and Julianne Hough
David Alan Grier and Kym Johnson
Denise Richards and Maksim Chmerkovskiy
Melissa Rycroft and Tony Dovolani
Lil’ Kim and Derek Hough
Gilles Marini and Cheryl Burke
Next, stay tuned for filler because Cameron Matheson shows up to tell the contestants how to survive the competition. Wasn’t this guy eliminated early on? Is it wise to listen to him. Oh wait. I get it. It’s humor. Silly me, I almost missed that fact. Here I just thought it was just filler.
Next we have a number put together by none other than Mickey Rooney! I love that guy! I didn’t know he was still alive, but more power to him. The number is sponsored by Macy’s (just in case you didn’t pick up on the 143 times they mentioned it) and is allegedly in the style of Busby Berkeley. (And by the by, don’t write me about the amount of times I have used the word ‘allegedly’ in this recap. No matter how many times I will use it through out the season, it will still be less than the use of the word ‘amazing’ during one 15 minute segment of the Bachelor) Anyway, the number was pretty cheesy, and not in the cheesy goodness way that was the joy of a Busby Berkeley number. For one, not enough show girls and two, it wasn’t all that good. I was a sad lizard.
However, the show was redeemed ever so slightly by the performance of Somewhere Over the Rainbow by Jewel. And, oooh, there is little Chelsie Hightower! I did not know she was on this show – I am excited, because I was a huge fan of hers last summer on that actual dance competition show y’all may remember on another network…you know the one. The one I like. Anyway, we get to see some real dancing from Chelsie and Dmitry and I am a happy lizard again.
Oh, but now we are back to filler. Nothing better than quasi celebs talking smack, I always say. ‘Nuff said on that.
Finally, we find out who will be dancing the Dance of Death. Well, it won’t be:
Holly Madison and Dmitry
Ty Murray and Chelsie Hightower
Steve-O and Lacey Schwimmer
For those of you keeping score, it will be Steve Wozniak with Karina Smirnoff and Belinda Carlisle with Jonathan Roberts. The couples will choose their best dance and perform their little hearts out as the floor begins to pull back and they fall into a swimming pool of alligators. Well, they will perform their best dance sans pool and alligators and the judges will judge them once again. This score will be combined with their votes of the commoner (that would be our votes, folks) and the couple with the lowest score will be dropped into a pool full of alligators, but without the pool or alligators. They will just have to go home with lovely parting gifts and what’s left of their dignity. If there is anything left of their dignity.
Belinda and Jonathan choose to perform their salsa again and meet early in the morning to get Belinda’s hips moving at an acceptable speed. They work and work at it, but when the performance comes around it seems to still be in slow motion. But hey, as that amazing wordsmith Samantha Harris said to a teary eyed Belinda, “That was quite a handstand.” Yeah, and you’re quite a host. Just saying. The judges score them a total of 17.
Steve and Karina choose to dance the quickstep again and I am happy about this because I thought Woz was just so cute dancing it last night. Granted, he should really stick to computers and eating at Bob’s Big Boy, but it was entertaining and impressive that he can (allegedly) dance on a broken foot. The judges give them a 17 as well.
Well now, judges, how nice of you to be so egalitarian. And such wimps! With the judges tie it is left up to the votes of the viewing public and the votes were not with Belinda Carlisle and Jonathan Roberts. Heaven may be a place on Earth, but it certainly isn’t on the dance floor for Ms. Carlisle.
And that is all there is folks – stay tuned next week for more dancing madness and I will be back to give you all the results. And filler. Don’t forget the filler. Because why spend 10 minutes telling us something when you can stretch it out for a whole hour!