From a perfect score of 30 all the way down to a far-from-perfect 13, the scores on Dancing With the Stars last night ran the gamut. We saw the couples perform either the rumba or the samba, with varying degrees of success. At the top of the leader board are Apolo and Julianne. The bottom: Clyde and Elena, who will, with any luck, be put out of their misery (and mine) tonight. The sooner we get through all the filler, the sooner we’ll find out who’s going home.
Apparently, this is the halfway point of the season and, luckily, the judges were happier with our dancers last night than they were last week. Before we get to the brand new filler, we get a little recycled filler in the shape of a recap of last night’s show. If you missed it, I highly recommend MsFroggy’s superior recap. In the interest of brevity, here are the high and lowlights: John and Edyta managed to produce what Bruno called “the best worst samba”; Clyde danced the rumba like he was under anesthesia; Billy Ray and his nipples (oh, and Karina too) performed a flat and clomping rumba; Heather did well with her samba right up until she fell on her rear; Joey rocked the rumba, but channeled his inner Dorothy a little too much for the judges’ tastes; Ian worked his shimmy in the samba but didn’t get the scores he wanted; Laila and Maks steamed up the dance floor with a rumba that wowed the judges and; Apolo and Julian scored perfect 10’s with their samba. Not surprisingly, Apolo and Julianne get the encore tonight and they’re just as good, if not better, than they were last night. Those two are so cute; I just want to put them in my pocket <---- said with Cockney accent
How it Should be Done
Oh, happy day! Next week we’ll be seeing our first (and hopefully, not last) group dance with the celebs. Most of the remaining contestants actually have some modicum of talent, so their swing routine should be pretty good. You can all remind me I said that after we have to suffer through Billy Ray and/or Clyde stomping around like Night of the Living Dead meets Swing Kids. Tonight, we’ll get to see what the swing is actually supposed to look like and here are the pros to show us how it’s done. To the tune of “Zoot Suit Riot,” the pros do a more than competent swing. There’s Louis van Amstel and Creepy Brian is there as well. Hey, is that Alan Cumming? Nah, just a pro who looks suspiciously like him. If it had been Alan Cumming, he would have been pawing at Maks….just like I would. The routine is SO much better with this music than with “Rock the Kasbah,” which they’ll probably use next week. The routine ends and Tom takes a moment to pimp the Dancing With the Stars tour before he sends it backstage to Samantha.
Samantha rehashes Heather’s fall during the show last night. Heather claims she put the wrong foot on Jonathan’s newly-waxed and slippery chest; if she had used the other leg, she would have flashed the audience, big time. She’s not upset about her fall since she pretty much falls down all the time, it’s just that we’re not around to see it. Next up is Joey, who counts his eggs WAY early, by talking about his daughter coming to watch him dance in the finals. Then he claims he’s just taking things day-by-day. In the interest of rebuilding his butch image, Joey flashes some kick-ass bunny slippers. I’m sure Steve McQueen had a pair just like that. Apolo tells Samantha that getting a perfect score has shown them how hard they need to work to keep on getting those scores.
It’s time to cue the lame-o segment of audience opinion from last night’s show. Seriously, I just don’t care. This always reminds me of those “spontaneous” interviews shot in movie theaters for film commercials. It’s like 70s night there with both Sugar Ray Leonard and Florence Henderson putting in their two cents. I wonder if they came together. That Flo, she gets around.
Without further ado, our first two safe couples are announced. Both Laila and Maks (yay!) and John and Edyta will be back next week. John looks completely shocked. He shouldn’t be – there are two other celebs remaining who are loads worse than he is.
Oh, the Horror!
Here’s Broadway’s latest Roxie Hart! It’s Lisa Rinna to perform “Roxie” from Chicago! Oh Holy Night. I thought Roxie was supposed to be played by an ingénue. Unless this is the Hollywood Nursing Home for Aging S.A.G. Members Touring Company, she’s no ingénue. While La Rinna definitely have the bod, she definitely does not have the voice. It’s all very high-school-musical-understudy. Apparently, her hubby, Season 3 dancer Harry Hamlin is playing opposite her as Billy Flynn. If any of you Forters want to take a bullet and go see them
butcherperform in Chicago, I’m sure we’d all appreciate a blow-by-blow.
After that debacle, Samantha speaks to newly-safe couples Laila and Maks and John and Edyta. John thanks all of the baby boomers for voting for him and all the people who are now buying his books. Laila’s feeling confident tonight. She claims that she and Maks definitely have what it takes to get a perfect 30. It’s just about everything coming together, she explains, and they’ll just be taking it one 10 at a time.
Highlights and Lowlights
It’s time for what is quickly becoming my favorite part of the results show. Here’s Jimmy Kimmel and parking lot attendant cum ballroom temptress Guillermo and their dance lesson. Tonight, they will be schooling us in swing. Guillermo is hot to trot in a cute little red, white and blue number, complete with saucy red headband. Unlike previous weeks, the magic just isn’t there between Jimmy and Guillermo and things devolve into a barrage of accusations. Guillermo threatens to leave Jimmy and go dance with that “Yoey Fatonee.” He then stomps off to have a good cry in the bathroom à la Karina. Jimmy, who realizes he’s been cruel, goes to get back his, er….woman. The bathroom door swings open to reveal Guillermo in tears and in the arms of
JoeyYoey who taunts Jimmy, “I got your lady!” I’m not sure Joey’s moving in the right direction to reverse the whole “femme rep” thing, but it’s still hilarious.
Because that last segment was awesome, it follows that I will hate the next one. Aaaaand I was right. Here’s Macy Gray to sing her latest song that I can’t understand. She dedicates the song to the victims of the Virginia Tech shootings, which is a nice touch. Still, two lines into the song and there goes my mute button, as if it has a mind of its own. Every time I see Macy Gray, all I can think is that she looks like a Muppet. Don’t you think?
Spackle and Spray Starch, That’s the Secret
Here comes the segment where we get to meet the makeup artists and hair stylists. Man, next week it’ll be a segment on the craft service guy. Tom explains that there’s a lot more to putting together the looks for the couples than we might think. We learn that the over-the-top makeup that is normally seen in ballroom dance is Hollywood-ized so that the ladies (and some of the men) look even more like drag queens. We also learn that Clyde is forgoing the fake spray on tans. Yeah, ‘cause I was wondering about that.
It’s time for Tom to tell us which other couples are safe this week. It’s no surprise that both Apolo and Julianna and Joey and Kym will be around for at least another week. There are four couples left on the chopping block and none of them have ever been in the bottom two
By this point in the season we know what the judges think of the stars, but what do the stars think of the judges? Here’s a little segment to answer that question. In short: Ian likens the judging portion of the competition to eating a bug; Joey feels like a deer in headlights; Laila believes she holds the outcome within herself (whatever, Caine); Heather enjoys the infighting with the judges; John laments the lack of constructive criticism he’s been getting; Apolo admits that he sometimes wants to respond to the judges’ comments, but says he’s trying to take the criticism well (not like he’s getting much of it) and; Billy Ray is all mellow about the criticism. This is a good thing since he’s getting a lot of it. He is, however, longing for an 8.
The Youth in Asia
Now we’re down to it. The remaining four couples stand on stage waiting to hear their fate. Safe tonight are Ian and Cheryl and Billy Ray and Karina. Billy Ray looks shocked and slightly horrified. That leaves Clyde and Elena and Heather and Jonathan to bask in the evil glow of the red light. Before Tom makes the announcement, Heather reaches over to take Clyde’s hand. She’s growing on me week-by-week. She also has enough class to not celebrate too much when Tom breaks the news to Clyde that he and Elena are out. Thank God he’s been put out of his misery. Plus, I’d hate for Jonathan to have waxed his chest for nothing.
The audience gives Clyde a standing ovation. He admits that he already has tee times set up for the next week. He definitely knew his time was up. Clyde, who shows himself to be a class act, thanks Elena, the fans and even the judges. He then praises the other contestants and wishes them all luck. His advice to the judges? Keep in mind that the celebs are just that – celebrities and not professional dancers. Yeah, some more than others. Clyde and Elena’s last dance is to “End of the Road.” Pretty soon they’re going to run out of “See Ya Later Loser” songs. Soon enough, someone's going to get shown to the door to the tune of "Hit the Road Jack."