Hello dear readers! Tis I, iguanachocolate, here once again to regale you with tales of the dance world. Or, at least ABC’s washed up stars and famewhore fantasy version of the dance world. If you missed last night’s show – good for you! Because you know you will get far more enjoyment reading MSFroggy’s recap of the event here. Which is also why I am not going to recap the recap that begins every results show – but I will give you a few highlights: Woz aka Steve Wozniak whilst an enjoyable source of entertainment, sucked at the actual dancing part of it. Steve-O managed to injure himself yet again, Holly shook her silicon, but forgot to move her legs, Denise looked confused; Lil Kim, Chuck and Ty were there, David Allen Grier improved and Shawn, Melissa and Gilles led the pack.
The Dance Off, or as I like to call it The Dance of Death, is back again and Tom Bergeron wastes no time telling us that famewhore number one, Bachelor reject Melissa is safe followed by Gilles and Shawn. No shocker there. After all, they were the leaders in the judges’ eyes. And then a shocker, the Woz is safe according to Tom. Whoa! Behold the power of the geek. They really do control the world. Gilles attempts to be humble and claims that he was worried that he wouldn’t make it. Yeah, sure you were. Cute and adorable little Shawn says that being elegant does not come easy for her and since I was a teenager once a long time ago, I would agree. Except that I don’t agree. She’s much more poised than I could ever hope to be even now when I am 43. The Bachelor reject says something, but I am blinded by her teeth and I just didn’t hear her as I was trying to regain my eyesight. Just go ahead and insert any drivel you’d like: here. The Woz says he hadn’t been that surprised since he was served with divorce papers. Awwww, I heart Woz.
Some more safety zones are announced for Lawrence, David, Chuck, and Lil Kim. Oooooh, the suspense – who will be dancing the Dance of Death this week? I hear it involves shards of glass and steel knives! So we now have the remaining alleged dancers awaiting their fates: the walking silicon advertisement, Holly; the one who should be permanently strapped to a medic board, Steve-O; Stiff as a board, Denise; and cutie Ty who I don’t understand why is even there.
Before they let us, err, the stars out of their misery, we are told that next week dances will be two that have never been performed on DWTS before: the Lindy Hop and the Argentine Tango. The Lindy Hop is a late1920’s era swing dance that gained its popularity at the Savoy Ballroom in Harlem. Characterized by exuberance, lifts and flips, I can only hope they forbid Steve-O to even think about doing this dance. The Argentine Tango is characterized by a tight Embrace and improvisation. This might be a good thing for some of our stars. We are tortured, errr, treated to Cloris Leachman and Corky demonstrating these dances and I am still recovering from Cloris giving ‘foot’. I may have to swear off women for a while, maybe the rest of my life. Yes, it was that traumatic.
Ooooh, Hall and Oats! Anyone else sing into their hairbrush as a youngster to their music? Anyone? Anyone have any ear plugs? These guys have not aged well, neither in voice or in sight. Oh well, some things are better left to recordings and memory.
Oh, thank the gods in the heavens the alleged ‘stars’ and the famewhore tell us what the Dance Off is. I mean it is really a difficult concept. Two dancing couple pitted against each other? Yikes! I just couldn’t seem to wrap my head about that. Thank you stars and famewhore, now I can watch the rest of the show with perfect clarity of mind. Sheesh.
And here are the rest of the results:
Steve-O and Lacy are safe (and his insurance agent is calling to tell him his rates are going up exponentially).
Holly and Dmitry are Dancing for the Lives.
Ty and Chelsie are safe.
Which means Denise and Maksim will be joining in the Dance of Death.
Just an aside here, anyone else think Maksim just looks mad about being in the competition with Denise? I mean he doesn’t even look like he is trying to make us believe he likes her.
The little Match Girl is up first – you probably recall that Len described Holly as like a match, hot on the top and wooden on the bottom. And I would add plastic in the middle. Baa dum dum. Frankly, I couldn’t really tell the difference between her performance tonight and the one last night. But hey, I am no pro to see the subtle changes that may have been wrought by the extra hour of rehearsal they did. Len says this time Holly was a party girl who came out and partied – all whilst drooling over her cleavage. Bruno says something ridiculous and Carrie goes on about keeping her foot on the ground.
Denise and Maksim take us through a really awkward rehearsal – really, I am expecting him to stab her or at least drop her at any moment. What in the world did she do to him? Reject him? But the actual dance it self, stupid choreography aside, seems better. The judges like it better as well, scoring them 4 points higher than last night. I’m not sure why, but I am certain there is a professional dancer out there somewhere who could enlighten me. If I cared.
I forgot to tell y’all that Adele performed sometime before the Dance of Death. If you haven’t heard this young lady sing, make a point to, she is really good.
So now it is time to tell us who is leaving. They could have done this entire show as a news update in 30 seconds, but I suppose torturing the viewing public is more fun for them. Anywho, my money is on Holly to be leaving. Though I am hoping it is Denise because there is something I just don’t like about her. And, yes! I get my wish – Denise is going home! And the heavens rejoice. And Maksim is hoping someone else will dance the final dance with her. It’s pretty uncomfortable to watch as he looks like the guy at the high school dance whose buddies dare him to dance with the geeky girl in the corner.
And that is the show, peeps. Stay tuned next week to find out who is dancing their final dance and who is living to famewhore on….