All right stop, collaborate, and listen. Season 7 is entering its final phase. We’ve got just three stars left to dance with. They’re all really well-loved among the audience, and what’s more, they’re as ready as we are to get this thing over with and anoint a new living room with that absurd conversation piece we lovingly refer to as the mirror ball. I can’t wait to get started, so let’s get started!
Calling the Dance
Tom is quite giddy opening the show alone tonight. He’s shouting something like every third word as he informs us that this is the final competitive performance, that Samantha and the judges are lurking backstage trying to find their on-air personalities, and that all the finalists have chosen a favorite ballroom and Latin dance to
force us to watch again for no reasongive fresh insight on. There will also be freestyle, but I guess Tom needs to rest his lungs, so we’ll saving that tidbit for later in the show.
Everybody’s in yellow. And rhinestones. And fringe. They look equally awesome, but it’s all for the samba which is still miles away across Filler River. For now, Brooke and Derek get to start us off discussing which dances they think represented them best so far this season. They choose their quickstep and paso doble, I guess because they each looked really splendid and got great scores.
Lance and Lacey then get to talk about which dances they liked the best: their “risky” tango through Disturbia, and their game-changing mambo of last week. Talking with Tom, they refuse to say that Warren’s getting on everyone’s nerves with the smack talk and just hope they can keep up their momentum without being overconfident or too competitive. Warren and Kym are last but not least; they’re walking us back through their Viennese waltz and their Matrix style paso, both of which are old enough for me to have forgotten, so they look kind of fresh now. Good move. Then they talk to Tom who is clearly fed up with all the diplomacy; he bluntly asks how Warren’s going to knock the competition out tonight, and Warren promises a whole lot of something we’ve never seen before. I don’t know how true that can be on a family show like this one.
Ballroom Babies: Craig and Samantha were named champions of that deal at some point. In case anyone remembers them and was rooting for them, they won! Hooray! Then they dance their jive to “Rockin’ Robin” and are very cute as well as being much better dancers than me. Can you believe we’ve already burned off 30 minutes of our show? I can’t. Why, it seems like nothing at all has happened.
Pants Off Dance Off
Random smack talk clip: no one thinks anyone’s going to win but them. Then there’s the opening music again and the stars are filing out onto the floor like the show is starting over, and Samantha’s there all of a sudden. I like that they kept her hidden for the first third of the show to kind of ease us into her being there. They should keep that in mind in future seasons.
Also now on set, the judges. Len says some stuff about all the dances everyone will be doing, including the freestyle, and what they’re calling the Samba Smackdown, wherein they’ll all be dancing to the same music within seconds of each other, the better for us to judge them by.
As we watch Samba Smackdown, rehearsal clip style, we learn that Brooke’s having trouble remembering her steps, Lance is struggling trying to get down a certain trick Lacey wants to nail, and Warren’s doing his best to get some technique into his moves since his last samba was a disaster scorewise. So many mountains to climb. Can they do it? Is the ocean salty? Does Bruno need to retire his thesaurus?
Anyway, the Smackdown music is an awesomely underappreciated Michael Jackson song, “Blame It on the Boogie.” Plus, samba gives license like no other dance for the feathers and fringe to come out swinging, so you know I’m excited. Derek and Brooke are out first; we can tell she is trying to remember the steps, but her extension and rolls are still great, and she and Derek have huge smiles on. If this weren’t the last show I’d probably want it to be smoother, but it is so I don’t really care. Lance and Lacey swan out to take their spot and dazzle us with a very fun -- and classic, if you can believe it -- samba routine. Lance’s spins are really good. Then here come Warren and Kym bringing up the rear. I still don’t know what fault there is to find with Warren’s feet; they look great to me as he and Kym work their way through a set of frisky walks, turns, and volta. As they wrap up, the other couples come back and finish with a couple cool group moves, including their becoming a human maypole as all the ladies are lifted up like ribbons whirling in a circle, and then there’s the obligatory final collapse onto the floor. Very cute.
Len gives props to the house band for being there before launching into his critique of the dance. He says everyone did better there than they did in their original sambas – Warren actually danced this go-round, Lance had awesome energy, and Brooke was sensational and is still the one to beat. Bruno says Brooke is dazzling and sexy, Lance is tight and clean, and Warren is irresistible. Carrie Ann sees momentum in Lance, and Warren’s the most improved. Brooke rules except for when she gets too cocky and her lines get messy. Got it? Then they get scored because why not? Brooke and Derek end up with 9s from Len and Carrie and a 10 from Bruno for 28. Lance and Lacey net 9-8-9, and Warren and Kym earn 9s from Carrie and Bruno, and a 7 from Len who is kind of just being a bastard there, amirite? So that’s 25 for them.
So, it’s finally freestyle time. This round has been known to get up the expectations and then dash them to bits, but I think this time around each of our couples know the game and the audience well enough to , so I’m taking the risk of keeping my expectations sky high.
Of course expectations worry Brooke and Derek, because when people expect a lot, they choke, as evidenced by last week’s jive. They want their freestyle to be as dynamic and full of stuff to look at as they know Warren’s and Lance’s will be. But dynamic turns out to mean hazardous to your health; all the lifts and things are wreaking havoc on their bones, so they opt to finish their practice in Brooke’s swimming pool where the water will absorb all the impact. Sidenote: Brooke’s house is amazing. Boy, TV hosting must pay well. No wonder Samantha’s holding onto this gig for dear life.
Dance! Brooke and Derek have come up with the unique theme of Grease; he’s Zuko’d out in tight black pants, and she’s sporting a Sandra Dee style pink poodle skirt. “You’re the One That I Want” is their soundtrack, and they proceed to take us through some cool spins and some jive, before Brooke rips off her poodle skirt to reveal a pink spangled bad girl outfit, and they get all Danny and Sandy in the Shake Shack up on the judges table. Then more lifts and flips, a shot of quickstep, and we’re done.
All of the judges say a slight variation on this: “This is the best moment of my life, the best thing I’ve ever seen. I am a richer person for having watched that freestyle. I and all my issue owe you for having danced it, and truly, all of your children and your children’s children will float through life on angel’s wings due to the memory of this dance.” Tom says “The bar has been raised pretty high.” Tell me about it, stud. Scores: I think you can figure it out.
A Flight of Lancey
Lance and Lacey are just so happy to still be here and have people think they can win, that they just want to have fun with their freestyle. They’re doing some of that ever-popular hip hop that this show can’t get enough of, and while my eye twitches from that last statement, Lacey tells Lance to teach her some moves for a change because he’s had some experience with hip hop during his days as a boy band pop star. They’re sporting Run DMC-esque shirts that I totally covet (except I’d want one with my own name on; nothing personal Lancey), and dancing to “It’s Tricky.” They make use of the judges’ table too, holding up Carrie’s and Bruno’s “10” paddles because they’re superstars, and then they do some basic hip hop stuff. No lifts, but they do some sort of double worm across the floor, and a little bit of cha cha. Lance ends by taking off one of his shoes and tossing it to Lacey on the final downbeat, and I found that really sweet. Also they get points for managing to work that “Bye Bye Bye” move in there without making me want to smack them.
Carrie Ann sighs before she speaks like she’s going to say something crappy, and then she does; she didn’t like the cha cha they stuck in there. Whatever. Len cuts her off by singing “It’s tricky, tricky, tricky!” at the top of his lungs. Bless you, DANCMSTR. He then goes on to defend himself against the impression that he hates everything hip hop; he likes it when it fits, and he thought Lance and Lacey’s performance was really fun, and he loved to nod to the cha cha. Bruno says some stuff about them being creative and smart. Backstage, Samntha’s all “What’s the big deal, it’s just a mirror ball,” giving Lance the opportunity to say it’s about bragging rights. Along with all the learning and growing he’s done, of course. Then they get triple 9s.
Road Trip to Triumph
Warren and Kym are closing out the floor for the competition. Warren’s determined to add that mirror ball to his trophy collection. He probably already has a jeweler on deck who can fashion it into a championship ring. The one thing stopping him from taking it is a solid dance, so Kym is packing their freestyle tight with tough moves that will finally satisfy the judges. They’re going to tackle a death lift that even has Kym a little spooked, so you know they mean business. “Proud Mary” is their music. While doing things nice and easy, Warren and Kym take us all on a little trip to Lift City, with stops along the way in Rumba Town, and Random Costume Changeville. When they finally get to doing things nice and rough, out comes the sequined silver fringe, the jive, the iconic Tina Turner move, and the death lift of doom. My heart was racing during that whole section. Although that might’ve been due to me doing my own Tina Turner moves in my living room. I’m like Pavlov’s dog with this song.
For his effort, Len calls him “an absolute star.” Bruno says some stuff in a language of his very own (perhaps Fritalian), and Carrie Ann declares their routine her very favorite, even though she saw a mistake in there somewhere. Backstage, Warren says some lovely things about finding friendship with Kym and being excited to unleash his new dance skills for all his friends. Party at Warren’s! Bring Your Own Sequins. They get 9s from Bruno and Carrie Ann and finally earn a 10 from Len -- he says it’s for entertainment, but I think it’s to make up for that 7 he slapped them with earlier. Meanwhile, Tom picks up a strand that fell off of Kym’s get-up and cheekily says, “You know, on Edyta this is a whole costume.” Ah. I will miss you most of all, Tom.
Yes, we’re at the end of this show, and then end of my recapping road. It’s been a long season, hasn’t it? I’ll be slipping off now in search of something to fill the inevitable glitter void I’ll be facing next week. Y’all be sure to tune in on Tuesday to see the DWTS7 Finale: Clorky’s Revenge, and then come right back here for MsFroggy’s sure to be sensational send off to this crazy show.
Anybody out there have a Bedazzler I could borrow? I feel the need to touch up a few of my things.