Welcome back, dance fans! Apparently excitement, controversy, and drrrama were spilling out everywhere on Monday’s show, what with illegal lifts, tense disagreements, lots and lots of sequins, and our first perfect score, courtesy of Sabrina and Mark! But don’t let that entertainment bonanza fool you into thinking anything particularly interesting is going to happen on this results show. No sir. Nothing to see here. Unless you count my mocking and derision of redundant video packages and chewy, delicious filler. Oh you do count that? Well then pray, read on!
Tom and Samantha are back together again, and I fail to see how that matters in the grand scheme of things, but they keep drawing attention to it, so there you go. Tom promises a spectacular evening including some special treats in the form of visits from old friends, but no dessert until you finish your rehash: Mark and Floyd are feeling great about their respective Viennese Waltz and Paso Doble performances and both are giddy with the positive feedback from the judges. Floyd even takes time to say that ballroom dance is not the time-wasting sack of crap he thought it was before. That charmer. Mel did a lovely Waltz and Carrie called her a truck driver; Bruno only likes Marie when she’s Marie! but that’s probably only because Marie! blends in better with all his manic babbling. Helio is and always will be adorable, and the judges appreciate that; Jane might be a cheater! Carrie Ann thinks so, and they play that questionable spin over and over again, but I always see at least one of Jane’s heels touching the floor. Then again, my TV is 13 inches wide, so what the heck can I really see anyway. I'm not Zapruder here. In other news, Jennie was on fire, and Cameron too, but no one was better than Sabrina who OMG already got a 30 in only the fourth week! So I guess she wins? Right?
Len compliments all of the professional dancers on their greatness and then chastises them en masse for the lifts, and it’s a bit like in fourth grade where everybody in class had to stay after because one kid shot the spitball at the teacher. Whoa, guilt flashback! Sorry, Mrs. Vaughan’s fourth grade class circa 1991! Also, Cameron and Edyta get this week’s encore for their fantastic corner-turning Paso Doble, and I think it’s super that Super Cam is able to do all that leaping and soaring with his bad hip. Way to go!
Low Highs and High Lows
Son of a crap! The awesome Gloria Estefan was forced to back out of tonight’s show for personal reasons, and now we have to suffer through the studio band doing her songs? No way; I’m not allowing it. What we’re going to do is pretend none of this ever happened, okay? Okay.
Audience reaction time! Monday night’s festivities seem to have brought out the hyperbole in people; everybody’s screaming and calling this season the most electric and bestest very favoritest thing ever on television, which might be true if there were never a little thing called Cop Rock. But anyway, people are chit-chatting about the Jennie/Cameron/Jane lifts and no one’s invested enough to be upset about them; everyone knows Cameron’s hot; Jennie will never escape the Kelly Taylor identifications, especially when Ian Ziering is around to keep reminding everyone. And most everybody thinks Floyd is going home tonight. Shows what they know!
First doling out of the Safety tonight: Sabrina and Mark and Cameron and Edyta. And hey, look over your shoulder, there’s a fresh-faced Wayne Newton! Nah, I’m just kidding. He’s not fresh-faced. But he is there, and we’ll deal with him a little later.
Orange Faces, Feeble Bones, and Then the Both in One
Get ready, because Jimmy Kimmel has returned to make you chuckle lightly with amusement. He and his friend Guillermo are reading viewer mail again. This week’s question is about how the dancers get those oh-so-fab Cheeto tans. So it turns out there’s this special tanning room all the stars get to use. Guillermo can’t resist; he hops in and through the magic of television hops out looking decidedly Oompa Loompah-like, ha ha!! And I’d like to take up an advance collection now to compensate my loved ones for the season’s worth of five-minute periods through which Jimmy and Guillermo will slowly rob me of my sanity.
Samantha is chatting backstage with our two triumphant couples. Sabrina says she is so excited and nervous to be leading the pack with a perfect score. Cameron did actually injure himself during Monday night’s performance, but wouldn’t have missed the encore for the world. What a great attitude. I mean, unless you’re his hip.
And speaking of the world (I kind of was), Tom introduces Wade Robson, who apparently owns the world of choreography. Wade and his scarily greasepainted crew do a kind of popping-locking, crazy-creepy, stop-motion adventure through a fun house, and succeed in reminding me of why I never go in those places.
Luckily, I don’t need to go in fun houses to see people in scary makeup! That’s my segue into Wayne Newton’s performance, and really, the face is the safest route to go down here, because if I touch the actual singing, things will only get worse. I will therefore quickly compliment Wayne on his cheerful, peppy demeanor and performance and move on to talking about Drew and Cheryl, who accompany (and thankfully take the focus of off) Wayne with a completely charming foxtrot. I didn’t see Drew’s season of the show, but I can see why he won. He and Cheryl look fantastic together.
Fright, and the Light at the End of the Tunnel
Next we get some of the most shamelessly tangential filler I’ve ever seen, about famous partners assessing the partners on the show, AKA a wack excuse for reminding us that Joan and Melissa Rivers exist. Whatevs. On to more deciding of fates: Mark and Kym get their pass and next week, and Tom discovers to us that Floyd and Karina are in the bottom two. Tragedy!
Backstage yet again (goodness she moves quickly!), Samantha talks to Mark and Kym about avoiding the bottom two for three weeks in a row, like she expected them to be there. Mark is of course only too grateful for every vote he gets. Mel and Maks have a cute little no-sweat air about them, even though things are getting hectic with Mel’s schedule and the practice time might suffer. Mel thinks they’re going to be just as fierce as ever.
Now we get a little package on fear and nerves backstage, and I declare we did this very same thing last week. Except, last week we didn’t find out that the show gives Jane nightmares. A DWTS nightmare? It has to be something like Bruno coming down a long, dark hallway, interminable strings of adjectives and inappropriate similes foaming all around mouth, holding out a sequined headdress and a pair of stilettos. Yikes. Be very afraid.
And then you can smile, because we come out of this dark place only to find that Helio and Julianne and Jennie and Derek are safe for another week. Hooray!
Fourth-Round Knock Out
But someone must face elimination this week. Marie and Jonathan, Mel and Maks, and Jane and Tony are our remaining couples, and Tom eventually announces that both Marie and Jonathan and Jane and Tony have waltzed their way into next week’s show. This leaves Mel and Maks in the bottom two with Floyd and Karina. Oh dear! Whatever will happen?
Well, duh. Even Bruno, speaking for the judges, declares that there’s no way Mel can go home before Floyd. Poor Floyd looks like he knows what’s coming before Tom says it, and so has his concession smile well in place when Tom drops the axe. He gives a very gracious speech thanking the fans and everyone behind the scenes. Karina says she is very glad she got to know the real Floyd, and they share a hug like friends before taking the floor to boogie down one last time. Farewell, Floyd. And so Maks is safe! I know MsFroggy is somewhere rejoicing happily, and you should be too, because she’ll be coming with all the Latin details you can stand next week. You won’t want to miss that, I guarantee.
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