Spoiler! So, previously on Dancing With the Stars: our eleven remaining couples showed us their best – or good enough-est – quicksteps and mambos; Helio and Sabrina shimmied and toe-tapped their respective ways into frontrunner positions, while other couples ambled toward the finish, and some barely even made it out of the gate - not that I’m mentioning any
Waynesnames. Also, Jennie Garth fell and wasn’t that a shame. Tonight, someone goes home, and it’s all LIIIIIIIVE!
The Recap Portion of the Recap
Tom and Drew chatter on in the way they’re wont to do, and I tune them out (as is my wont) and somehow end up focusing on the chestfulness of Cameron’s chest, handily highlighted by the nonexistent buttons of his shirt. Then we go back over everything that already happened ever because otherwise, no one would ever know that Jennie fell. Tom calls last night’s spectacle an “all-out ballroom blitz,” which I’m guessing means the dancing was da bomb. Ha. Mel enjoyed her stint as a classy lady, Marie was a “hot Latino mama” which I’m sure is as surprising to her as it is to me; Albert is dissatisfied with their 21 but pretends to be stoked, dude; Mark and Jane got disappointing reviews; Jennie fell; Helio continues to be awesome and Sabrina can dance whatever you throw at her (I personally think that next week she should have to do the hokey pokey, just to keep things fair). And a million 7’s were given out as scores in an attempt on the judges’ parts to refrain from judging. Also, Jennie fell, in case you didn’t know. Seriously, how many times do they need to show that clip?
Len gives the encore to Helio and Julianne, and excuse me while I cheer in happiness because I could watch them all day with a big dumb grin on my face. They rock it out much like they did on Monday night, and I continue to be amazed at what hips can do when used properly.
Jane is absent this week because of a personal tragedy, but Tom informs us that she will be back to dance once more, along with Helio and Julianne. Everyone else has to sweat it out a little while longer because there’s like, an hour’s worth of show yet to fill.
And here for that express purpose is Queen Latifah! Not that I much mind this filler, because the Queen rules. Or reigns. Whatever. She’s dressed in all black like a proper lounge diva, although the ponytail is a bit much. Queen sings a snappy version of “Live ‘til I Die,” and meanwhile, some lovely people come out and show us what a quickstep is supposed to look like (complete with non-falling), but I didn’t catch their names.
Backstage Drew talks with Mark, who says something about scores and fans and votes, and Wayne, who sends heartfelt condolences to Jane and her family. Well that was lopsided.
Next Tom trips over his teleprompter script, and then sends us to a package of audience reactions to last night’s show, just in case we’d forgotten in the last 2 minutes that there was a show last night where people danced. Donny Osmond! is proud of his sister, and totally shocked to see this wild child come out on the dance floor. Those
poorCavemen schmucksguys didn’t think Marie had it in her. There is widespread support for Cameron to do away with the shirt portion of his wardrobe, people feel sorry for Jennie (who fell), Old Ladies Love Helio, and nobody thinks that Wayne is good with the dancing, but he is a star, so he obviously has that leg up on the rest. Mel And Maks, and Sabrina and Mark are declared safe as we head out to break for like the ninth time tonight. I swear, when I buy TV, I’m doing away with commercials. I think I’ll just have a funds drive every month or so where for every thousand donated, Cameron will put on a shirt and take it off, or we’ll dunk Nancy Grace in a giant vat of cheese. I bet that’d give me plenty of money for my marathon airings of American Gladiators and Designing Women. Ah, someday.
5, 6, 7, 8
Meanwhile, back on Earth, some more lovely people are here to dance a dazzling tango. A tango full of sequins, which is my favorite kind of tango. For some reason, they dance to “Girl, You’ll Be a Woman Soon,” so I have to mute the sound. But there is no muting of sequins, so it’s still all good. In case you care about dance more than you do shiny beads, you should know that this dance is apparently telling the corny and melodramatic tale of star-crossed lovers and the other lovers who love them, which angst is conveyed mainly through lots of hand voguing and grabby poses.
Jimmy Kimmel is a shining star in the ABC firmament, thus he is welcome on any show ABC wants to stick him on. This week he and his friend Guillermo are tackling the viewer mail and taking us into the murky depths of the vote tabulating room where The Count, yes that one from your childhood, is apparently handling the phones and the votes all by his lonesome. That’s one, one Count counting the votes, a ha ha. In other news, Mark and Kym are safe this week.
We’re now in our figurative seventh inning, where repeating what we did at the beginning of the show is okay, because that halfway point is past and no one remembers the beginning anyway. So Queen Latifah’s back to sing another song; this time a strangely de-hippiefied, smooth jazz version of “California Dreamin’” as Tony D. and Anna T. accompany her with what maybe might be a samba but really it’s anyone’s guess.
Next in our line of exercises in time-wasting, we have a reel of the dancers’ estimation of the competition. Now this is good practice, so don’t skip it. Sit through a few more of these and you’ll be ready for those Idol results shows in no time. Kym thinks this is the strongest crop of ‘celebrities’ yet. Julianne thinks that inning is all about performance, technique and fanbase. Floyd is thought to have the performance part down pat, Edyta thinks Mel is just a slice of competitive heaven. Sabrina, Jennie and Helio are picking up the technique with the quickness, but Cameron and Wayne are the ones with the fans. Karina notes that Albert’s “incredible crotch action” might’ve won him a loyal legion of his own. *dun dun dunnn go the violins of impending doooom!*
The Business End
Drew’s backstage again, this time talking to Marie and Jonathan about nerves; Marie says she means to have fun but does get caught up in trying to do a good job. Cameron and Edyta are our representatives for the Twenty-Ones (that’s so the name of my next band), and Cameron says it’s just a natural consequence of all the couples being so great this year. If by great, you mean average. Now it’s time to hear the stars’ experiences, and basically they all say how ascared they are/were of going out for the first time with all the lights and the satin and the Bruno and so on. But they none of them are quitters and they’re all here to win. I don’t think that’s possible, but more power to them all. After the montage we learn that Marie and Jonathan are safe as well as OMG what the French toast? Floyd and Karina! I didn’t expect that. Jennie and Derek and Cameron and Edyta get the good news, leaving Wayne and Cheryl and Albert and Anna in the bottom two for the week. Tom turns to the judges for their thoughts, and Len is shocked to see Albert here since he’s done so well. Bruno thinks that Wayne’s charisma is helping him, but he needs the technique. Carrie Ann wimps out on predicting the loser, so Tom jumps right in and gives Albert and Anna the old heave-ho. They’re short on time, but Albert gets to say that he tried his best, and Anna says she will miss the sparkle they had together. They dance two or three steps before the feed cuts out and they are ‘stars’ no more.
Boy, we sure got those models out of here with a quickness. Come back next week, when our ten couples left will be dancing the tango or some other dance that’s not the tango, and the sublime MsFroggy will be serving up the dish.
Any other fundraising suggestions for the MotherSister Broadcasting Company? Drop me a PM.