DWTS11 10/12 Results Recap: A Square Pig in a Round Hole
I had to loosen my belt a notch from last night’s smorgasbord of gimmicks: Latin night! Double scoring! Dancing in the round! Acoustic music! I was waiting for Tom Colicchio to walk onstage and tell the stars that they had 15 minutes to make an amuse bouche using octopus. (Hey, I can dream, can’t I?)
After the BBC clouds part, we get a teaser featuring behind-the-scenes drama! The Situation had a hissy fit in the kiss & cry area and walked off! We’ll soon find out if he should just keep walking…
Praise for the Rachels and Finns
The first set of recaps feature the top 3 pairs on the leaderboard: Jen & Derek, Brandy & Maks and Audrina & Tony. Audrina reviews her foot-pointing after getting rebuked by Bruno. Brandy gets a revenge spank at Maks after he makes a hokey Len/pacemaker joke. Jennifer is thrilled with their show-stealing dance, to the point where her vocabulary is reduced to Sitch levels, and everything is “dope, yo!”
All three couples line up on the still-round stage, and after a long pause where Tom winds up for the pitch…he quickly pronounces them all safe, because Hello! Of course they are! If one of these couples had been placed “in jeopardy”, we would be watching reruns of Wipeout next week at 9. Fuggedaboutit!
Hey, there’s Peter! And that Queer Guy!
Next, several people from last night’s round audience, some of whom I recognized as famous people, gave their
heavily scripted spontaneous opinions about their favorite performances. Jersey! Democrats! Prom Dress! The punchlines just write themselves onto the cue cards. In other news, it’s good to see that Chris Knight is still married to that scary lady. I’m still waiting for season 4, you two!
Tom hands the reins over to Len, who introduces the encore dance. Florence & Corky have to sit this week out, as Jennifer & Derek’s Argentine Tango is chosen, and for good reason: it’s the first dance of the whole season worth writing home about! Maybe we were all just spoiled by Season 8, when 10’s and 9’s were being thrown around like Frisbees, but I kind of miss that sense of a real horse race. Or maybe I just miss Gilles. One of those. But I digress…
Facepalm #1: Tom & Brooke lead us into commercial, as Tom promises performances by Goo Goo Dolls and Florence & the Machine…and Brooke has to read all 11 words of her Forever Tango intro from a card. Live!
”My name is State Your Name Here…”
Our first filler act of the night holds the record for most Adult Top 10 Singles ever…although I can’t think of any hits besides “Iris”. Goo Goo Dolls still put out the same pouty goodness they did in the 90s, as they run (acoustically) through a quick medley accompanied by Chelsie, Dimitry, Jason and Chantel on the floor. Filler nutritional value: 7 (out of 10)
Not Since Carrie…
Brooke bravely wings it as she interviews four drunk kids at their prom…oh wait, that’s Kyle, Lacey, Bristol and Mark! Kyle is looking forward to puberty, while Bristol and Mark once again protest the unfairness of their low scores. Kyle interrupts to crack a joke about Mark just wanting to take off his shirt last night, and before Mark can give Kyle a wedgie, Tom snatches the show back from Brooke.
With mock seriousness, Tom addresses a scandal from last night: Len admonished Mark’s shirtless display by claiming you’d never catch him with his shirt off! Tom pulls out a clip from an old edition of “Dance Center” where not only Len is shirtless, but he’s resting his hand on the shoulder of an also-shirtless Kenny! Arrr, busted, matey!
In the setup for Kyle and Bristol’s results, we hear Bristol say “I go around and I talk about abstinence, and then I’m out here in my underwear, doing a dance about sex and stuff, so um…hopefully it goes well!” Keep up the searing self-examination there, darlin’. At least Mark calls her 'hot' in the kiss & cry. Meanwhile, Kyle was his bubbly self as he improvised a long, sloppy kiss on Lacey’s shoulder at the end of their dance. Lacey chalks it up to pure hormones, which elicits a Joey/Friends reaction from Kyle that makes Tom chuckle.
The drunken prom kids line up on the floor, and…Kyle & Lacey are safe, while Bristol & Mark are in jeopardy.
After a break, Rick & Cheryl and Kurt & Anna are lined up behind Tom & Brooke, as Tom lets us know that there may be upcoming special news updates about the trapped Chilean miners, as their rescue is imminent.
Recapping our star athletes, Kurt got spanked for his brutish hand movements, which resulted in some astonishingly low scores. Rick decided that a mustache might help him get into character for the Argentine Tango, however Bruno reminds him that Megatron never had a mustache. Okay then!
"Where have I seen those hand moves before...oh yeah!!"
We’re back liiiiiive, where Tom announces that Rick & Cheryl are safe, while Brooke lowers the boom on Kurt & Anna.
Sister Mary Indignant Explains It All for You
After a long drought, we are finally given a good comic video, How to Get a 10 Outta Len. Len uses some classic and notorious routines from seasons past to illustrate what will earn a 1, 2, 3, etc. while the current cast sits in class, taking notes and throwing spitballs. Everyone gets a good bit and performs it ably, and the piece is hilarious as well as informative. Filler nutritional value: 10! (the first of the season!)
It Only Seems Like Forever
After the piece, there’s a temporary burst of anarchy in the Star Tank as Tom & Brooke are surrounded by the cast, attempting to introduce tonight’s Macy’s Stars of Dance, “Stop Squeezing My Ass!” No wait, that’s what Tom said just before Brooke was able to say “Forever Tango!” Everyone cracks up, and I’m cracking up too, so much so that I completely fail to notice Forever Tango. The performance is very formal and classical, which is unfortunate for them: they got completely shown up by Jennifer & Derek! Filler nutritional value: 9 for the intro, 6 for the dance
Next, an immensely popular band that has sold millions of albums…who? Now I need Brooke’s cards…ah, it’s Florence & the Machine, who (acoustically) sing about dog days being over as lots of dancers brave lots of dry ice. It’s actually a nice song… Filler nutritional value: 7
Inappropriate Jiggles and Inappropriate Giggles
Back in the Tank, Brooke asks Florence what kind of reaction she’s been getting over her “raunchy” routine with Corky last night, and she says the reaction has been “glowing,” much like her. Brooke then asks The Situation what he thinks of the drubbing he received from the judges, and he only manages to laugh in a scary manner for several seconds as he searches for words he can use that won’t be bleeped. Brooke gives up and sends the couples out to the Giant Nilla Wafer to meet their fates.
There's a New Greg in Town
Facepalm #2: We Have a Loser/Winner!
In recaps, we see that Florence looooved how Corky took his time running his scaly hands up and down her body. We also see The Sitch throw a tantrum backstage after sucking eggs in the rumba. Mike whines that the judges were “unpositive” before walking off camera in the kiss & cry, as Karina sits there, wondering if this is really her life now.
"Chest izz nice...chest izz nice...no more chest makes me sad!"
On the floor, Florence is happy to hear she and Corky are safe. Mike & Karina know what’s coming: they are sooooooo in jeopardy. Like, Double Jeopardy. Like Tournament of Champions Jeopardy.
Tom points out the designers from Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, who happen to be sitting in the audience the same week that several of the pro dancers are making an appearance on their show this Sunday! What a coincidence!
Before the elimination, we are once again subjected to a video piece about “what it’s like” for the dancers and stars to be on the show. This time, we get dozens of quick cuts of unrelated clips of various people who I assume are connected to the show, doing random things on and off the studio lot. Why bother? I mean, honestly… Filler nutritional value: Zero
Finally, the bottom 3 couples are assembled. Facepalm #3: As Tom recaps The Situation’s situation, Mike decides to bounce his pecs for the camera, to show what a rebel he is. Or to demonstrate what his manboobs are going to look like in 10 years. One of those.
Time for an Ab-endectomy
Tom realizes that there’s absolutely no suspense to this week’s results, so he quickly pronounces Kurt & Anna safe, and then shows The Situation The Door. Tom asks Mike what his strange laughter meant a little while ago, and Mike tries to put a gracious sentence together. Tom lets Mike know that Jersey Shore has quickly become and addiction for him and his kids, but it seems like Mike is a different person here than on his own show. Mike basically says, “yeah.” We then get a stroll down video lane, followed by Mike & Karina’s final dance. Strangely, even though the stage is much smaller this week, the other couples don’t crowd around them to hug them goodbye. Maybe the Nilla Wafer got sticky…
Re: DWTS11 10/12 Results Recap: A Square Pig in a Round Hole
Very witty, love your humor!!! Love the wild and crazy guys reference, how DO you come up with these things, lol, now that was creative : ))
Re: DWTS11 10/12 Results Recap: A Square Pig in a Round Hole
Another great recap! Loved the caption under Brooke's picture (something tells me she might actually blurt that out one of these days) :lol
I didn't catch Tom's "stop squeezing my ass" comment, but he is the king.