What the heck was that?
Some results shows fly by, packed with interesting entertainment and surprising results. This week, oy. You know it’s bad when even Susan Boyle calls in sick. Fasten your seatbelts, it’s gonna be a bumpy hour.
Tonight’s guest hosts: The Addams Family
Tom’s intro stresses that a new leader (Audrina) has emerged, just to keep an air of unpredictability about the season. In another unpredicted twist, Tom asks Len to announce this week’s encore dance, and he chooses…The Situation & Karina’s futuristic Fox Trot? I can practically hear jaws dropping simultaneously in 49 of the 50 states. This poor cousin to Derek & Joanna’s futuristic paso doble from season 9 had some interesting choreography, none of which Mike pulled off. Hello, judges! He’s still looking at his feet when he dances! I get it, the ratings are up, especially with younger folks, so he’s going to be sticking around longer than he should. But I don’t have to like it.
The Future’s So Dumb, I Gotta Wear Shades
Brooke introduces the first leg of a recap of last night’s performances:
With that, the first three couples line up to hear their results. Strangely, they are not the three couples who were just profiled, so somebody in the control room just slipped up! Audrina & Tony are safe, natch. Kurt & Anna are also safe. Kyle & Lacey are the first pair to receive the dreaded “in jeopardy” smack. It looks like using Kyle for bait has become a successful formula.
- Maks had a little too much fun spanking an increasingly submissive Brandy during rehearsals. But apparently it’s working, as the paddling resulted in three “8” paddles from the judges.
- Jennifer’s bobble brought down an otherwise fun routine in which Derek revisited any one of several “hot for teacher” fantasies from his youth. Overall, no harm, no foul.
- Rick bared his chest and shimmied his way into Carrie-Ann’s heart. Then again, it doesn’t take much with her.
Providing the first filler of the night is R&B smoothie Ne-Yo, who sings a new single while a cast of dancers helps him in his quest to win the heart of a disinterested female. He has some moves, but it comes across as a rehearsal for a pretty generic music video. There’s an interesting twist at the end, where Ne-Yo puts down his mic and a lip-sync track takes over while he follows his conquest off the stage, out the studio doors and into a blinding white light. Maybe the girl’s name is Carol-Anne… Filler nutritional value: 6 (out of 10)
One Good Apple
In a rare good idea for an edited video clip, the show decided to let Donny Osmond loose on the streets of Las Vegas, where he asked passersby to pick their favorites from this season's cast. Most of the stars get a mention, and Donny watches several people dance for him, and he even joins a few of them in a move or two. Highlights: Donny daydreams about his intimate moment with Bruno while one lady rambles on; also, three men do their best Situation-style belly reveal, one of which is more like a Jell-O mold than a cheese grater. Filler nutritional value: 9
Brooke returns with more results, and now the wizards in the booth show us footage of the three couples we already know about:
We can guess that the next three couples to get their results are Jennifer & Derek (safe), Brandy & Maks (also safe), and Rick & Cheryl (in jeopardy, but they and the entire crowd didn’t hear Brooke and assumed they were safe). It took a minute for Brooke to correct the situation. Tom attempted to make a funny about it, but it only fired up the crowd to start booing this surprising result.
- Audrina’s heart was beating rapidly while she and Tony serenely delivered the highest-scoring dance of the night.
- Len uses the word “atrocious” to describe Kyle’s footwork, but he and Lacey decide to go viral and turn it into the latest word meaning “cool”.
- Kurt & Anna tastefully talked about their tasteful dance, which received tasteful scores.
Backstage, Brooke asks Li’l Kyle if he has the maturity to handle next week’s dances, the Argentine Tango and the Rumba. Kyle giggles and convulses like the kid that he is. Brooke then lingers on Rick’s chest, while Rick grins and hints that he took a lot more off once he got home to the missus. Kyle convulses again, as Tom pulls the camera over to him, looks at us like he knows he’s standing on the Titanic, and presses on.
Did you know Mark Ballas and Val Chmerkovskiy (yeah, Maks’ brother) have had a professional rivalry going since they were kids? No? Neither did I. Do you care? No? Neither do I. But that isn’t stopping Mark from staging a “musical showdown” with his arch-nemesis Val, where they have a contest to see who can most charismatically ruin Britney Spears’ already punch-drunk single “Toxic.” We hear some smack-talk about prize-winning and dance moves, and some more smack-talk during rehearsals, and then some serious death stares into the camera. The showdown itself features Mark on acoustic guitar facing off against Val on violin. I’m thinking they both got beat up a lot as kids.
Sorry guys, but this movie already has enough sequels.
They both have talent, but the whole setup is rather lame, although things get marginally more exciting once they put down their instruments and start dancing with partners. It turns into a free-for-all with an okay payoff when they both launch into fierce solos, this time with Mark on electric guitar. Eh. Filler nutritional value: 5
Our next course of filler was supposed to be Susan Boyle singing “Hallelujah,” but
thankfullyunfortunately she fell ill. But hey now, don’t we have a famous crooner among this season’s stars? We sure do! In an effort to remove the bitter taste left in his mouth from his brief experience with the show, Michael Bolton agrees to step in and sing the song, which was written by Leonard Cohen and most beautifully showcased by the late Jeff Buckley. Jonathan returns to waltz with Anna through a thicket of dry ice, which is no doubt causing the children’s choir that surrounds Bolton to choke. The dancing is light as air, but the song isn’t really meant for a gravelly belter like Bolton, so the overall result is slightly hammered-and-nailed. Bolton can’t be faulted since he had all of an hour to prepare, plus he flew in from his concert tour to do it, so I give my props to the guy. Tom gives props to Michael as well, in fact he all but kneels down and smooches a butt-cheek. Filler nutritional value: 7
Brooke interviews Florence, who recommends Corky highly as a partner. Margaret beams with pride about the statement made by her dance with Louie, even if it didn’t earn stellar scores. The Situation babbles something about something, and Bristol just hopes to do better next week.
Finally, the recap video matches the couples we are watching!
The results are in: The Sitch & Karina are safe, thanks to his tweener fanbase and rabid over-scoring. Florence & Corky are also safe (damn right – take that, kids!). Bristol & Mark and Margaret & Louie learn that they still have to play the Final Jeopardy round.
- Bristol’s fox trot was an admirable effort, but Len shot the dance down like a prized moose. Meanie!
- The Situation was all confidence and no clue as he did what Karina told him to do, which apparently is an improvement in the judges’ eyes. Their dance was criminally over-scored.
- Florence gave a genuinely touching performance in tribute to her late husband, and got emotional about the experience.
- Margaret & Louie’s tribute to Barry Manilow and tolerance was fun and energetic, but apparently “the gayest thing ever on the show” wasn’t gay enough for Bruno, who wanted to serve them coffee rather than score the dance.
Useless clip time! This week, the stars discuss the range of emotions that they go through from the first day of rehearsal through the last moment of the results show. The pattern seems to run: Happy, frustrated, angry, nervous, energized, thrilled, then nervous again, and either elated or suicidal depending on the results. And now you know! Filler nutritional value: 2
Her Name Was Lola, and Boy Did She Get the Shaft
The final four couples are ready for America’s verdict: Kyle & Lacey are safe (duh again). Rick & Cheryl can now legitimately celebrate, since they are safe as well. This leaves Bristol and Margaret hanging, and guess whose fanbase came through? Indeed, Margaret & Louie get the boot, and The Situation somehow lives to stumble around for another week.
Margaret tells Tom that she is proud of her accomplishments and appreciative of the judges’ feedback, as Tom praises the surprising abilities that she has displayed. A touching montage highlights her growth over the past few weeks, and then she and Louie take to the floor. I’ll miss ya, darlin’.