We could barely get the BBC cloud mist out of our eyes, and it happened: the first bombshell of the season fell upon the biggest bombshell of the current cast. As the band were still putting down their instruments, Tom and Brooke hit us with a one-two shot: Buzz Aldrin, lowest scorer since the days of The Woz, was safe, thanks to the whole moonwalking hero thing. And Pamela Anderson, who displayed a range of talents performing two impressive routines that earned her 4th place with the judges…was in the Bottom 2! She was as shocked as we were, although she took the news with a gracious “Oh my goodness!”, while slack-jawed Kate stared blankly at the camera.
Tom said it best at that point: “That’s the kind of night it is.” And possibly the kind of season…
Tom throws it over to the venerable Len to give us his overall impressions on the season to date, and Len delivers:
And with that, Len announces that Nicole and Derek get tonight’s encore with their modernized jive, which they perform flawlessly, gimmicks and all.
- Aiden Turner’s fox trot was a vast improvement over a dismal showing in the first week
- Jake is “one to watch” (if you have a strong stomach)
- Shannen just needs some work on her finesse, but is otherwise strong
- Niecy blew Len away, both with her dances and her Daddy-lovin’ kiss!
- Chad was a real disappointment this week after a good start (Chad agreed)
- Buzz gets the required words of respect and reverence, as his inevitable boot down the stairs remains unspoken
- Kate’s lack of confidence saddens Len (he’s too kind)
- Pamela impressed with her ability to slip into different characters with ease
- Erin has the potential to make Len a “happy chappy”
- Giant man-boy Evan amazed Len with ability to rein in his limbs during his Jive
- Nicole is nothing short of “fantastic”
Up next: a ‘ballroom-fusion’ dance by the pros, which was designed by two of Michael Jackson’s former choreographers (how long will DWTS continue to name-drop the poor deceased King of Pop?), set to Cascada’s “Evacuate the Dance Floor”. The dance is eye-poppingly sexy and frenetic, everything you would expect from letting the pros loose to test their bodies to the limit.
While the pros towel off, our hosts introduce a segment featuring former contestant Adam Corolla’s analysis of the previous night’s dancing. Adam gets in a nice dig at Buzz (finally, someone isn’t afraid to make fun of Buzz!) and his vast array of moon-landing-related t-shirts. Adam then lays into Chad’s inability to smile; Pam & Damien’s love of double entendre; Len’s ability to count, which ends up being a self-deprecating dig at Americans’ inability to do math; a concerned look at Edyta’s habit of elbowing poor Aiden in the face on the dancefloor; and finally, a reminiscence on Bruno’s claims of cavorting with Sir Elton John in the south of France during the filming of the “I’m Still Standing” video. Ah, if only…
The boys salute Ricky Martin and welcome him into the fold.
By now, the pros have mopped their brows, and it is time for the couples to line up once more to see who else is safe from elimination. The camera cuts back and forth, until it lands on Aiden, and Edyta’s elbows. Next, we learn that Niecy and Louie are also safe. Let’s face it, we’re all just wondering when Kate is going to be named to the bottom two, but it still isn’t happening! What’s up, ABC? You’re not being very nice! Even Buzz admits to Brooke on live TV that the judges had it right, and he should be shown the door! What’s up with your voting habits, Nation?
Tom briefly introduces some models wearing some clothing from Macy’s – nobody cares. He also introduces some pics of former male DWTS celebrities, from whom the audience should go to ABC’s website and choose one to dance the Macy’s Design-A-Dance with Melissa Rycroft. Again, nobody cares.
After a break, we are treated to the sexy and talented John Stamos! Unfortunately, he is chained to a pack of zombies claiming to be The Beach Boys, led by original member Zombie Mike Love. Stamos valiantly fights for survival by playing as many musical instruments as possible during the medley, while some pros dance on the floor. Does it matter which ones? I can spot Maks and Louie. However, Mark Ballas has been conspicuously absent from all the routines in the show so far. What could this mean? Hmm…
After the Parade of the Dead Rock Stars ends, we are treated to the funniest bit of the night: The Len Commandments! Len, dressed in Moses robes, lays down the law about what he wants to see and not see in a competition. During this, we are treated to Edyta talking an uncharacteristic blue streak, Bruno committing the mortal sin of interrupting Len, Carrie-Anne having a lift-fit (what else is new), and a glimpse into Len’s affinity for sparkly beaded costumes. Say what you will about Len, he is a good sport, and knows how to entertain when it’s called for.
Tom asks Len what he wants to see from the couples next week, and Len challenges the dancers to throw away all gimmicks, tricks and fluff, and simply use the dances to tell a story. (There are rumors of the paso doble being featured next week, so I don’t think this will be a hard request to fill.) Tom takes control once more to let us know that one more couple is safe: Evan and Anna! Meanwhile, Kate is still rolling her eyes, and generally offering blank, lazy, dirty looks to her colleagues, the audience, and the camera. In fact, rather than have to continue describing it, here is a montage of the wide range of Kate Gosselin’s emotions during a Results show:
Apologies to Kate fans, but it just had to be done…oh, Tom also lets us know that Jake & Chelsie and Nicole & Derek are safe. And there stands Kate, sorely in need of some grass to chew…
Suddenly, the show does a 180 and we are confronted with disturbing images of the devastating earthquake in Haiti earlier this year. Apparently, there are several ballroom dancers for whom the tragedy hit home. After some interviews and some stark images, we are treated to a lively, sensual, rhythmic dance routine by Haitian dancers and musicians, to celebrate the spirit of life and renewal in Haiti. It is both provocative (more earthy than Pam Anderson’s cha cha cha last week) and heartfelt, as well as hopeful. These are a few minutes that can definitely not be called “results show filler”.
After this abrupt shift into seriousness, we are confronted with the four remaining couples. Brooke interrupts with a quick, calorie-free interview with Evan and Niecy. Evan blithely answers questions like he’s still at the Olympics, and Niecy makes a food joke. Lather, rinse, repeat.
After this (while the couples still stand front and center), we are treated to a taped montage showing Brooke’s first day on the job. We learn many important facts about Brooke, such as:
- Once a child of hers passes infancy, they are no longer cooed to, and are expected to do chores like the cooking of breakfast
- Brooke’s face is constantly being made up all day, no matter what else she is doing at the time
- Her introductions with Tom are scripted, but her interviews in the Celebriquarium (that’s the last time I am using that lame name for the Star Tank) are off-the-cuff, which means that she has to rely solely on her wits, and the guys in the control booth shouting into her earpiece, to get through all the interviews before throwing the show back to Tom, which is really the most important thing she needs to do all week.
”I must not burn the sausages, or I will spend some time in The Burkequarium…”
Ironically enough, after this montage, Brooke and Tom announce some more safe couples, only Tom messes up and steps on newbie Brooke’s lines. Many self-deprecating laughs are shared before we find out that Erin and Maks are safe, as well as Chad and Cheryl. This means that either terrified Shannen Doherty or cud-chewing Kate Gosselin will join Pam Anderson in the bottom two.
After a final break, and a long, tense buildup by Tom and Brooke, it is revealed that Kate and Tony are safe. Kate, a lifeless blob of dirty looks up to this point, suddenly erupts into screams, whoops and leaps, knowing that she isn’t the most hated woman in America for a few minutes. She really does herself no favors: even after the spotlights go out, she is still fist-pumping and jumping around with the abandon of someone who truly has no experience as a public figure, or a performer. It’s all just another reality show to her, which is really what makes her so wrong for this show. This show is for celebrities who know how to put up a professional face, and be able to laugh at themselves, and take the good and the bad with grace and dignity. Nobody should go on DWTS if their self-esteem is riding on it; this show is for people with some experience in the public eye, who want to have some fun learning what ballroom dancing is all about. For Kate, this show is meant to be some kind of coming out party. As could have been predicted, it is most certainly not working out this way for her.
Anyway, Tom announces that Shannen and Mark are eliminated. (Remember them? Remember why there is a results show?) It was going to be a sad elimination either way, but then we learn that Mark had seriously injured himself at dress rehearsal yesterday, and even if Shannen had survived elimination, she would be dancing with another partner as of next week. Since Shannen had sincerely grown attached to Mark during rehearsals, maybe it’s all for the best. Shannen was able to show her ailing dad a good time, which was all she really wanted to do in the end.
As for Pamela, hopefully she will not be repeating her appearance in the Bottom 2 anytime soon; she really is too good for that. And as for Kate…pffft. Just put her out of our misery already, please America?
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