The show has been on for a few weeks now and despite a drop-out due to injury and a few eliminations, the number of F-list celebs still in the running for the top honor has still not dipped below a cool dozen. I have contacted ABC via phone, email, snail mail, Twitter and Facebook and expressed my outrage at the fact that there are still too many cast members, that there is no apparent end in sight to this show and that Samantha is still completely useless. I have not heard back from them yet. While I wait for ABC to address my concerns, we have 58.5 minutes of sheer, unadulterated filler to slog through and somebody is getting their walking papers tonight. Let's get to it.
If you missed Monday's competition extravaganza, MotherSister has a kickin' recap for your reading pleasure. The night featured four new dances, including the Charleston and some sort of country Two Step thing, which were duly butchered by the contestants. However, it seems there were also some high points, such as Derek going shirtless. I fully support any pro's right to semi-nudity on the show. And I would support that right every week.
For tonight's encore Len pics Melissa and Mark's Charleston in which they're both fully clothed so, sadly, I won't be telling you about tanned, ripped chests and such. The show does their intro in black and white, roaring 20s silent movie style, after which we get a slice of pure retro hopping and skipping fun. It probably wasn't the most technically superb dance but how can you really argue with anything when the costumes include seamed pantyhose, white gloves, Mary Janes and a Zoot suit? You can't!
Oops they found one again!
Every once in a while, along with the endless chatter and silly comedy filler bits, there are actually some worthwhile musical guests on the show. This time it's Shakira who is here to sing her second single called Did it again. Not to be confused with Oops, I did it again. Shakira is wearing a glammy, skintight, catsuit type outfit with generous cutouts and lots of mirror accents. She also has a group of Asian dancer slash drummers behind her and a band. On the 1 to 10 scale of Dancing guest stars with 1 being “Holy crap! I can't believe they'd book this filth!” to 10 being “Earthly Musical Nirvana!”, she ranks at a solid 8 or “Yay! Somebody who can sing and dance! At the same time!” Moving on.
In the first serious business of the night, Mya and Dimitri and [b]Melissa and Mark[b] are declared safe while Aaron and Karina are in the bottom two and get bathed in the red light of doom. Will they be eliminated? Dun, dun, dun! The suspense is killing me. However, I'll have to wait because there's more fun stuff ahead, including the big fat announcement that Jake Pavelka will be the new Bachelor. His season is officially titled “The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love” because the dude is a pilot in real life and because if it isn't corny, it's not reality TV.
This is exciting stuff, people! This dude was the second runner up on last season's Bachelorette show in which Jillian Harris chose to pursue eternal love with some googly eyed womanizer. Now the also-ran will be looking for love in the one place where he is virtually guaranteed to not find any. Ever. Sucks for him, but, yay, for us, because we get to spend a few good months laughing at him and his “bevy of bachelorettes” in our very own Bachelor forum. Ain't reality television grand? Moving on again.
Show and tell
Now that ABC is done shamelessly plugging their other money-making venture, some dancing is in order. In honor of next week's theme, the pros are dancing an Argentine Tango and Paso Doble medley to show the hapless celebs and everyone else how it's really done. I'm paying attention because odds are I won't be seeing any of this good stuff next week, especially since that crazy feature called group dance will be back. This is otherwise known as the buy-on-get-a-few-more-free routine. Len says he wants to see something similar on competition night to what the pros just showed. Good luck with that, Len!
Samantha gets a moment to chat with the three celebs who are already safe, but I won't bore you with all that. Kelly and Louis are safe and so are Natalie and Alec and Joanna and Derek which means all the female celebs are in the clear. Smartly, Tom concludes that one of the male celebs is getting kicked to the curb. After the commercial break, Mark and Lacey and Michael and Anna are sent back to safety as well.
We're only halfway through the show which means time needs to be filled, and quickly. Remember all those segments containing pep talks by Coach Adam Corolla, low-brow skits about the Losers Club and so on? This week we get nothing quite as pathetic, however, we are treated to the kiddie angle. A full 10 minutes of show time are invested in exploring the profound social and psychological consequences of F-list reality show stardom on said reality show stars' minor children. Well, I guess, the segment could have been about that but instead it's just a bit about how cute the contestants' kids are. Say, aww and use your imaginations 'cause that's all I'm telling you about this cute time-waster.
On to Shakira who gets to sing one more time. She performs her big hit Hips Don't Lie aided by a bunch of belly dancers, the same glammy sexy outfit and her own hips which, quite clearly, do not lie.
Hippo and gone
Another segment precedes the more serious stuff. I promise, although it may be hard to believe, this show really has an end. The celebs are stressed about not having enough time to rehearse, they're stressed about being forced to get along with their pro and they're stressed about being stressed. I'm stressed because I have to tell you about how stressed everyone is.
Finally, we get back to the meat of the matter. With only a few minutes and two commercial breaks remaining, Donny and Kym and Louie and Chelsea are safe which means Chuck and Anna are in the bottom two with Aaron and Karina. In the end, Chuck and Anna get the boot. A few sweet words later the show is over. Eleven couples are still left in the game. Yay! If we're lucky, somebody will win this thing by next August. Mark your calendars.