Bop ba-da bop ba ba ba, Dancing with the Stars! I should really have made up words to that theme by now. But enough about my lapses in creativity; it’s results night again in Sequin Land! And although the results themselves aren’t really that suspenseful, you wouldn’t know it from the way in which Tom inaugurates the evening: “Will there be not one, but two eliminations?” Hey, I’ve had a roaring fever all week. I’m quite high enough to get excited about elegant sentence structures and telegraphed results. Let’s do it, Tom!
Also, Samantha’s strapless black wrap gown is very pretty. Wouldn’t it be nice if she just shut up and walked across the set every week while showing off pretty dresses? Oh wait, they already have that show on a competing network. Tom helpfully recaps everything that happened on our “wildly unpredictable” performance night, but MsFroggy has done the same for you here, only funny and with less of Donny molesting Bruno.
Chuck and my perennial favorite Anna Trebunskaya get tonight’s encore, and they reprise their very charming if not technically perfect samba.
Now for the musical guest of the week, the woman who puts Queen in front of the name Latifah. She sings her fast new single “Fast Car” while Maks in all black and Cheryl in a red-feathered pop out to do a really cool looking something that moves too fast for me to identify it
The leader board is way wacky this week, ranging from Michael and New Anna at the bottom with 13, and Mya and Dmitry riding high with 27 after earning the season’s first 10s. The lowest scoring men are out on the platform to hear results; in a surprise twist!, Tom and Cheryl are the first pronounced safe, even though his foot is crippled. Wow! In other news, Michael and New Anna are the first official couple in jeopardy.
Backstage, Samantha has corralled Aaron, Michael, and Debi. She asks Aaron why he was wimping out, and he says it’s hard out here for an overly tanned former tween idol. She asks Debi how she could’ve done better, and Debi pretty much says, “I could’ve done better if I’d danced better.” Michael talks about his continually low scores not affecting how much fun he has dancing on the show.
Now here’s a random video montage: Debi finds ballroom dancing difficult to get a handle on; Louie thought Tom would be a stuffed shirt blowhard, for no particular reason, and Joanna thought Chuck was going to be super macho and yet he’s turned out to be adorable. They were all scared out of their wits to do the show, and still here we are.
You Don’t Have to Put on the Red Light
Tom D. and Cheryl are standing with our Host and a Half once the package is over; we remember that Tom’s stress fracture has gone from “pre-” to an actual thing, and Tom D. says something about how much of a hero he is for continuing to dance. And then we find out that even though he and Cheryl are safely into next week’s round, Tom won’t be able to continue in the competition. There is no response from the audience, at all, except my laughing at there being no response from the audience at all, but Samantha asserts that they are “clearly upset.” Tom D. thanks the voters for their support, and Tom invites Tom D. back to do the two-step in the finale if he’s feeling better. Can’t wait!
But I must! Because we still have tonight’s regular elimination to get through. So two couples will depart, meaning the competition will now be one week less than everlasting. Yay! The women with the highest scores – Mya, Natalie, and Joanna – are up on the platform now, and although Joanna’s score was pretty good, people don’t like her so she’s in the bottom three. The system works.
Post-commercials, we find out that Louie and Mark are safe, but weepy Aaron is not. Hard-hitting Backstage Reporter Samantha asks Kelly Osbourne why she kissed Louis at the end of their dance; turns out it was a dare made during rehearsal, so let’s all put our own tongues to rest. Except, what kind of dare is that? (Eyebrows up.) Melissa talks about nerves, and how they turn into excitement for her once she’s dancing, but tragically you can never see that in her dancing.
That Design-A-Dance thing is still going on, and it seems that We The People have chosen Sabrina Bryan, who was an early but undeserved boot from Season 5, to dance the dance we design. Sabrina still seems a tad hung up on her ouster, but it’s forgivable in one so young and with so little to do.
Hey, THE JABBAWOCKEEZ! Excuse me while I fangirl and they dance an awesome dance to a remix of “Singin’ in the Rain,” complete with rain and umbrellas. Turns out Mark Ballas and Lacey Schwimmer were dancing along with them, under the trademark masks. Thanks, Macy’s. I’m still fast-forwarding past your commercials though. Nothing personal.
A Dark Day for Fangirls Everywhere
Queen Latifah has returned to cover “Ease on Down the Road” for some reason, while a couple background dancers do their best Funky Scarecrow impressions. Fun times.
Now here’s Steve Wozniak back on the show via clip package to talk about his mathematical model for picking the winner, but I missed it because my recorder sucks. Sorry. A little.
It’s now time to learn who will complete the evening’s bottom four. Kelly, Melissa, and Debi stand on the platform, and Debi is pronounced in jeopardy. When we return from commercials, Michael and New Anna, Debi and Maks, Joanna and Derek, and Aaron and Karina are lined up in dread of the red spotlight. Joanna and Derek and Aaron and Karina are quickly given reprieve,leaving Michael and Debi in peril. Len speaks on how difficult the samba is, and that each has potential, and the loser will be missed. Then Maks’s three-week bye expires and he and Debi are eliminated. Tragic. Debi is gracious about the experience and her partnership with Maks, and then she teaches Tom to pronounce her name properly, before she and Maks and Tom and Cheryl dance to “Who Says You Can’t Go Home.” No, show. It should’ve been “True Blue.”
That’s all the news fit to print for this week. Stay tuned, because next week features the debut of 4 new and silly dances that will never be heard from again: the Charleston, the bolero, the two-step, and the lambada. Cop outs, all. When are we going to get polka?