After two interminable nights of very bad dancing we've finally arrived to the fun part of the show: the eliminations. Two D-listers will be kicked to the curb tonight which could have been accomplished in about five minutes with time to spare for Tom's stale jokes but this is Dancing, the show that does cheap filler better than Tom DeLay does helmet hair and fake teeth, so a whole hour will be wasted. Who will be mowed down tonight? Read on.
Before we can get to the meat of the proceedings there's some fat to cut through. Although not as much fat as we'll have later on when there will be less couples to declare safe. I guess that's an upside right there. In a time-honored tradition, the judges picked a dance that they thought stood out and since the show has plenty of time to kill we get to see that dance one more time. Apparently, Kelly and Louis' Viennese Waltz was that dance and since I haven't seen it, I'm not too upset. It is a surprisingly pretty and elegant interpretation set to Trouble, not quite what I expected from wild child Kelly Osbourne but what's with her horrid, matronly hairdo? At least her hair is not purple. She's not a great talent, she's a bit wooden and hesitant but for a first entry, the whole thing is quite sweet. However, this raises the awful question: Was this really the best of all 16 dances? If so, this season is going to suck worse than I thought.
Facing the losers
Once the repeat dance is out of the way, Louie and Chelsie and Aaron and Karina are quickly declared safe. It all took less than a minute. Sigh. On to more pressing matters such as yet another unlikely musical guest. Believe it or not it's pop rapper Sean Kingston who is here to perform his new single Face Drop. He comes complete with his own dancers – Damn! I would have liked to see Maks dropping it – and a full band and he appears to be singing live. Now, that is always a good thing.
Moving on. Since one male and one female celeb will bite the dust tonight, it is only fitting for Dancing to kill some time reminiscing about former dearly departed contestants who were dispatched before they could fulfill their promise as repeat dance offenders. Those unlucky losers are members of an elite club of untalented “celebs and near-celebs”, people like Penn Gilette and a couple other people whose names I can't recall. They're out and proud members of the “Loser's Club”. I could not have dreamt up a more fitting name myself.
After this funny but useless intermission, three more couples are sent back to safety. It looks like we'll be seeing Mark and Lacey, Chuck and Anna and and Donny and Kym. No surprises there and I'm happy to report that all those rug jokes I've been amassing since Donny was announced as a D-list dancer will not go to waste. I am a firm believer is not wasting precious resources.
Video blah blah
We're now 22 minutes into the show and, incredibly, things are moving along. Who would have thought?! After a bit of dramatic music Tom and Cheryl and Michael and Anna are safe which means Ashely and Edyta are going home never to be seen again. Hey, I was right about DeLay! Looks like people want to see more of him prancing around in high waisted casual pants. The Universe works in bewildering ways. It also seems as if NFL fans are watching the show again. I can just imagine all those closet football fans sitting in front of their 65 inch plasmas, popcorn in one hand a Bud in the other, sweating the eliminations every week. But why did Ashley have to go? It's not like anyone was that much better than him and now Edyta is gone too. Craziness! Oh, well.
Ashley is dispatched with a quick 10 second thanks and see ya and Edyta is barely allowed to finish her own thoughts on their early exit because Dancing is just to eager to show us the world premiere of Miley Cyrus' new video of her song “Party in the USA”. Hey, I must say this is a novel approach for this show: now they can have videos instead of real people singing live. Not that Miley Cyrus would have been crooning live but I'm just sayin'. This is so much more... expedient. I won't bother describing the video because I fast forwarded through it but it looked to be your standard issue dance-in-the-desert-on-top-of-your-car kind of nonsense and Miley shaking her booty in front of the flag for some reason. Disturbingly patriotic for a party song but then I didn't listen to it, she may have been sampling the Star Spangled Banner for all I know.
Now that Miley had her promotion opportunity, some more couples are safe and it's the women's turn. The first two off the hook are Natalie and Alec and Mya and Dimitri. Some time is also wasted on a skit with Adam Corolla and the male celebs. It's a fluffy but funny bit with “Coach” Adam pep talking his team in front of a big board showing the women a.k.a. the competition. You had to see it, I guess.
The show is now seriously dragging and the next item on the agenda is not helping much. I guess if Sean Kingston can be on this show then so can 41 people from the cast of “The Lion King”. There are people wearing animal costumes – everything from gazelles to giraffes to birds – prancing around the floor, there's a stuffed Simba doll, a chorus of women in white with fake white doves on their heads and it's all set to - what else? - Circle of Life. Ah, the Disneyfied version of Africa, so cute and... costumey.
Before I can recover from the overdone spectacle of The Lion King another wave of dancing wannabes are rushed to safety. Melissa and Mark, Joanna and Derek and Debbie and Maks will all be back next week to butcher some poor unsuspecting ballroom dance.
Time of (some) of their lives
The best part of the show so far is also the one that actually has something to do with dancing. It is a beautifully done tribute by the show's pros to the late, great Patrick Swayze set to selections from the Dirty Dancing soundtrack complete with a recreation of the final scene in the movie in which Cheryl and Tony, as Baby and Johnny, dance to Time of My Life. It's one of the best things this show has ever done and I rarely praise them.
Patience! We're finally nearing the end of the line here. Len weighs in on the status quo after the first week of the competition and his take is that flowers bloom and we've got a nice bouquet going. Aww, so poetic of crusty old Len! Meanwhile we have Kelly and Louis safe leaving Kathy and Toni and Macy and Jonathan to hear their fate last. A bit of a pause for effect and a dramatic drumroll later, Macy and Jonathan are history.
Two celebs have now been dispatched back into obscurity, but don't worry! This field is overgrown with so many weeds it will take months to get rid of all of them. Sigh. All will be back next week to make
my life miserableto delight us. Catch MotheSister and me all season long as we watch, observe and dissect this lab rat then bring you the diagnosis thereby freeing you to watch the Discovery Channel instead. Or dust behind your bookshelves.