I mean, wow. So many things went on in this week’s results show. Mysterious illnesses, fantastic exhibitions, yet another replaying of Marie’s swoon, The Man Who Writes the Songs, and a shocking, but I mean shocking elimination that will rock. The. World. I just don’t have the pure strength of will to keep you in suspense of all the action any longer, so let’s get right down to the details.
A Little Bit of History Repeating
“Expect the unexpected,” Tom says in his opening voice over, “because no one knows what America is thinking!” Least of all, America. Last night’s affair was a real spectacle; we had our first ever group dance, and nobody went flying into the rafters. Mel and Maks turned in a rumba that earned them a perfect score, and Maks is excited enough about that to rip his shirt open once backstage. Jennie and Derek’s sexy mambo was a hit, but Jennie would rather call it frisky than dirty. Okay, but I don’t think “Frisky Dancing” has near as much of a ring to it. Helio and Julianne are back in business after a charming cha cha, while Cameron and Edyta stumbled a bit with their samba. Marie’s paso doble was a snooze, although her recounting of the steps, and dips, and spins, and arches backstage after the fact is nothing but exciting. And Jane and Sabrina both proved themselves to be best in little boxes; stepping out of their respective comfort zones earned them both unusually lukewarm reviews.
Tom announces that Jane has "a suspected case" of food poisoning and won’t be here tonight, and then asks Len what dance the judges want to see again. Len of course enthusiastically plumps for the rockin’ group number. Before we go to that, though, can I just say that I hate when Len looks directly into the camera? When he does, he strikes me as a cartoon come to life, and that’s just freaking creepy.
Now that that bit of a hang-up is off my chest, I can tell you that the group dance is just as fun and entertaining as it was last night, and a whole lot smoother and more relaxed-looking. All that heaving and tossing and kicking and whatnot must be great for getting out aggression. And I am still in awe about how Edyta seems to carve a hole in time and space as Cameron spins her mid-air. Awse.
Time for our first guest song of the evening, courtesy of Barry Manilow. He sings a song I don’t know, and Google doesn’t know it either, so it’s safe to say that this song doesn’t really exist. But, Cheryl Burke returns with Louis Van Amstel to do a fantastically cool cha cha to it anyway. And Barry sings too, but he’s nothing without Stephen Colbert on backup.
Audience reactions! There’s lots of love pouring out for the group extravaganza; all of the leaps and spins really worked up the crowd. Some wise Miss Cleo-like woman observes that at this point, the smallest of mistakes could knock anyone out of the game. Spoiler! People are happy to see Smiling Helio back on the scene, and a couple of straight-talking ladies give voice to my opinion that M&M might’ve been the teensiest bit overscored for their rumba. Some lady with huge cheekbones thinks Jane will certainly be in the bottom two, but another woman with markedly smaller cheekbones warns that you never can tell who’s going home because every week things have been different. Man, where’s an ominous violin chord of foreshadowing when you really need one? Oh, there it is! Thanks, show.
Tom and Samantha share the news that our first safe couples are Mel and Maks, and … Jane and Tony? Really? Well, no one’s more shocked to hear it than Tony, who takes a full few seconds before he can process the news. Then he realizes that he has no one to share in the celebration, so Maks runs over and gives him a hug. Sweet.
Skidoo, and All That Jazz
Hey, they’re still letting Samantha speak unsupervised. Who would’ve thought? She asks Mel and Maks how it feels to go from being in the bottom two to leading the pack with a perfect score in only a couple of weeks. Mel says something about enjoying the ride, and Maks makes a comment about her digging her fingernails in whenever it’s decision time, which Samantha manages to turn into an awkward remark about drawing blood. Nuts. Meanwhile, Tony clears the air about Jane’s food poisoning, but says he knows she’s going to feel much better when she finds out that they’re safe. I know nothing would get my head out of the toilet faster.
So, there’s going to be this thing called Dance Wars coming soon to a television near you, in which Bruno and Carrie Ann will pit teams of singers and dancers against each other. Singers and dancers, mind you. On Dance Wars. They get to fill five minutes talking about auditions and plugging the show, so be sure you watch, otherwise this airtime will have been wasted for nothing.
Next, to demonstrate the type of thing we’ll be seeing should we choose to tune in, a group comes out to do a really cool looking challenge-style jazz routine to “Weapon of Choice,” and I have to say they kind of put Christopher Walken to shame. (No disrespect intended, Mr. Walken. Please don’t hurt me.) Afterwards, Carrie and Bruno get to mouth off about how they’re each going to crush the other like a jellybean. I believe the real winner will be the viewers. Ouch, why’s my eye all of a sudden twitching?
Asking For It
Barry’s back to sing “Mandy,” this time sitting at a piano all ablaze with candlelight. Brave of him to have his face near so much heat. All of a sudden Jonathan and Anna swan out with a brilliant Viennese Waltz that manages to be both cool and hot. Although the ending leaves something to be desired; it’s just Jonathan stalking around with Anna in his arms. Again, Stephen Colbert probably could’ve fixed that.
Clip show time! This week we get the stars asking the judges questions, and the judges actually answering them. I can only hope that the viewers get their turn next week, because I’m dying to know who keeps giving Bruno Word-A-Day calendars, and who keeps forcing Edyta to wear sequined dental floss. Marie starts us off tonight though, by asking Len why he said that she’d never make it on this show. Len replies that it was because she’s old and untrained, but she’s shown him his error by hanging in the game. Sabrina asks Bruno if the competition is tougher on the men or the women, and he waffles by saying that the ladies have to shake it on the Latin dances, and the men have to lead during the ballroom dances, so they both have it equally hard. Jane apparently has no mercy for dead horses, because she asks Carrie Ann to explain what a lift is. Depends on your definition of what “is” is, really, but Carrie Ann says again that a lift is any move where both feet are off the ground, and the person in the air couldn’t hold the position without assistance. Carrie Ann makes sure to clarify that whenever she sees anyone doing the lift thing, she takes a point off. Which, I feel, is kind of harsh. I mean it’s not as if they stole fizzy lifting drinks, is it? No.
Helio wants to know what it takes to stay on top, and Len rambles on about laps and endurance, and says that what matters is getting across the finish line first. Okay, but what if you never even get to the finish line because you’re eliminated? How do you prevent that, is the question. But to be fair, Len might not have heard it properly through all the hair in his ears. Cameron asks if the judges care how much time everyone practices; Bruno says nope, as long as they look good. Jennie asks for the secret of getting a 10 from Carrie Ann, and Carrie tells her something about fully bringing full passion and full energy fully to the full floor. Mel wants tips for getting those wily American votes, which Len turns into a play on truth and justice, which are so totally American things.
We’re backstage again with Samantha. She’s chatting now with Cam and Edyta, and Marie and Jonathan about not being safe yet. Cameron’s nervous and is like the 39th person to say that anything can happen. Then Samantha takes some salt and rubs it right in Marie’s wounds by saying that even though she and Jane had the lowest scores, Jane’s safe and she’s not. Marie says she’s rooting for everybody, and then Jonathan pops in and says they don’t want to go home. Marie tries to say that she’d love to go home and see her family and then come back, but Samantha cuts her off and throws it back to Tom before she can get it all out. Guess she doesn’t like anyone else but her tripping over their own words.
Tom picks up Marie’s train of thought and introduces our second bit of clippage all about friendship among the stars. Aww. Cameron never thought he’d bond with a bunch of people over ballroom dancing. Jennie is surpirsed they’re all so close because they all come from really varied walks of life. Marie and Jane are close because they’re old. Sabrina and Jane are buddies because they’re bubbly. Mel thinks Helio’s a riot, especially when she can’t understand a word he’s saying. Marie is a total mother hen, Sabrina’s the little sis, and it’s all lovey-dovey until the gauntlet’s thrown down at show time. Then they hate each other’s guts and will do anything to win. Oh.
Tick … Tick … BOOM!
More results rigamarole: Helio and Julianne are safe! Hooray. Marie and Jonathan must wait to learn their fate; Samantha leaves them hanging with a Seacrest inspired “after the break.” But it turns out they’re safe too! I bet that blows your minds and screws up your betting pools. Also safe are Jennie and Derek, leaving Cameron and Edyta and Sabrina and Mark alone in the red light of ultimate doom. Tom throws it to the judges, and Carrie says she’d hate to see Cameron eliminated since he’s grown so much lately. Len says that Sabrina’s showing in the bottom two “takes the biscuit,” and I’m totally adopting that as a phrase of my very own. Bruno basically calls the viewers idiots for ever letting this happen, and exhorts everyone to vote harder and vote smarter. Tom cuts off his rambling because we can’t very well have the show going off the air while Bruno’s yelling “Madness!” over and over, can we? Wait, can we? It is Halloween and all. But no. Tom will have the results known, and known now. Cameron looks like he knows there’s no way he’s staying on. Sabrina looks like she could vomit any minute, and boy would that replace the Faint Footage with a quickness! They’d probably superimpose that over the credits sequence for the rest of the season. But I digress.
In a very somber tone of voice Tom reveals that it is indeed Sabrina who is leaving us this evening. After the utter shock! wears off, the audience erupts into loud boos; Carrie Ann’s crying, Sabrina’s crying, Cam and Edyta are hiding their faces in sorrow, and Tom himself confesses that he was sure Sabrina would be in the finale. She thanks everyone for supporting her, and then gives special thanks to Mark, calling him “baby,” even. Mark responds by saying he loves her. Oh my. The judges are on their feet, still struck dumb, as Sabrina and Mark head off to dance their final dance. Barry Manilow sings them out, Sabrina mouths “I’m so sorry,” to Mark before crying on his shoulder, and then all the gang gathers round them on stage to say their goodbyes. What drama, eh? DWTS has shook up the world, and it truly is anybody’s game now. Come back next week to see our top six battle it out, maybe in Jello, who knows? In his state of shock Tom forgot to clue us in. But as ever you can depend on the snarky MsFroggy to have all the details.
What are you dying to ask Bruno? PM me if you’ve got any burning questions.