DWTS 5/11 Results Recap: Purdue Ainít Just a Chicken
Five couples remain! And at least three of them deserve to be here! Will there be a shocking exit tonight? Tom didn’t leave any juicy tweets to tease us, so we’ll actually have to go through the episode together. Buckle up, kids!
Tom and Brooke introduce the five couples in a quick yet witty manner, and immediately throw it over to Len to give us the run-down on Monday’s activities:
Reminding us that this was the first double-dance week of the season, Len pulls no punches:
As for the encore dance, while some would have liked to see Erin & Maks finally get their turn with one of their dances, Nicole & Derek take the floor for a third time this season (if you include Team Gaga) to perform what Len calls “the dance of the season, possibly of all the seasons,” their 50’s paso doble. Looking at it again, it really does strike a wonderfully subtle yet artful balance between traditional paso, West Side Story, and Grease, with a couple of Elvis hip sways thrown in for good measure. Bravo.
- Len wasn’t completely sold on Evan & Anna’s waltz (but gave it a 9 anyway), and thought that their futuristic cha cha cha had too much circuitry and not enough chemistry.
- Erin & Maks’ AT was nothing less than “fantastic” but their rumba was hindered by “jerky” and inconsistent movement.
- Len segues from these two celeb “contenders” to two he feels are “pretenders” – Chad and Niecy. Chad & Cheryl’s tango revealed that Chad isn’t improving enough to still be considered a player. But their 60’s jive redeemed him in Len’s eyes.
- Niecy & Louis’ Viennese waltz was “lovely” but their paso doble was a snooze.
- Saving his favorite for last, Len was “mesmerized” by Nicole & Derek’s fox trot, and their 50’s-inspired paso doble was “genius”, a marriage made in Heaven thanks to Derek’s choreography and Nicole’s execution.
Look at Me, I’m Sandra Dee
As Nicole & Derek finish, one begins to notice that tonight’s audience is less reserved than usual, since the balconies on either side are filled with college students, here to cheer on this week’s UC/San Diego vs. Purdue Dance-Off. While Tom and Brooke lead us into a commercial, Derek starts pointing to each balcony, trying to get each side to out-cheer each other. Meanwhile Nicole, finally unable to contain her joy, runs over to the judges to thank them and receive pats (not paddles). As a teaser to the upcoming DanceCenter segment (yay!), we see a mock-ESPN ad with Kenny Mayne and Jerry Rice walking along the stage after-hours, only to find Nicole on her hands and knees, washing the dance floor with a rag. They show Cinderella where she missed a spot, and she cheerfully thanks them. See? No diva here!
We Go Together…no, really, we do!
After the break, it’s time for the Disney Corporation Time Killer. To promote next month’s Toy Story 3 in 3-D, the Gipsy Kings have been persuaded to perform Randy Newman’s “You’ve Got a Friend in Me” their way, while we watch a fiery flamenco choreographed and performed by Tony & Cheryl, accompanied by Dmitry and Kym, who has been missed this season.
Beauty School Dropouts
It’s time for Part One of this season’s edition of DanceCenter! A very cranky Kenny and a wigged-out Jerry (is he supposed to be Erin?) and the always-dapper Len start dishing on the five finalists:
So ends Part One, and now it’s time for some results: Derek & Nicole are in the semi-finals! And Chad & Cheryl are in the Bottom Two. Chad reacts by mouthing something that might have been bleeped had his mic been turned on.
- Niecy likes to eat food, hence her nickname “Dinnertime.” They remark on her excellent jiggly parts, as well as her ability to actually gain weight during the season. Jerry just fixates on her parts.
- Chad has “the softest lips in the world” and should market a line of “Chad-Stick”. Kenny proclaims Chad to be the best wide-receiver in NFL history, to which Jerry flashes his 3, count ‘em, 3, Super Bowl rings. That’s the kind of bling Chad can’t buy for Cheryl, dawg.
- Nicole: Age – prime; Height – just right. Phenomenally talented but full of disgusting habits like spitting her gum in Derek’s mouth, and smelling her armpits a la Superstar. The guys can’t get on board with that. Also, Derek has been lucky to be with so many beautiful women, like Shannon Elizabeth, Brooke Burke, Joanna Krupa, and…Mark Ballas! (OK, I spit my Diet Coke when they pulled that one out of nowhere.)
Hey, Gilles is in the audience! He's there to look scrumptious, and to promote the season finale of Brothers & Sisters this Sunday night. (We hear he’s not the one who dies.) Also, totally unannounced but conspicuously spottable behind him are those table-flipping Real Housewives of New Jersey! Security!
The Dance at the Gym
Higher education takes over as UC/San Diego takes on Purdue in the first annual DWTS College Dance Championship. UCSD is first, as we see a video package proclaiming their awesomeness and humility, as well as their natural tans. They are a nationally ranked team, so expectations are high. Their samba is spirited but a tad too tasteful. They prefer to move in unison and strike interesting tableaux rather than do any real dirty dancing. It’s all quite nice, but I can imagine Maks backstage wanting to smack some street sense into these eggheads. Once the balcony calms down, the judges are polite and give them straight 8s. Carrie Anne has an interesting comment, claiming they suffer from “Evan Lysacek syndrome,” where everything is so clean and crisp that they forget to get lost in the dance. Ouch, he’s even a syndrome now.
Next up is Purdue, from the heartland of America, where ballroom dancing is considered “rich folk stuff” and guys join the classes to meet girls. The Purdue Boilermakers (no, really) present a mambo, but don’t quite measure up to UCSD in terms of precision or interesting choreography. Len bonds with the shaven-chested boys in their quest for wholesome ballroom tail, but the judges can’t do better than offer up an 8-7-8 for their efforts. Fans can also vote in this competition to flip things around, and apparently there will be more colleges competing next week and a “finals” competition in two weeks. Between this and Design-a-Dance, I think the results shows are going out with a whimper instead of a bang this season…
The Gipsy Kings are back, and are allowed to perform a song that doesn’t cross the streams this time. They choose their international hit “Bomboleo,” which is paired with another hot Latin dance performed by 4 guest dancers who are also part-time contortionists.
Something’s Coming, Something Good
DanceCenter returns, and the men set their sights on Evan:
Tears on My Pillow
- They marvel at his ability and his work ethic, but most of all his lush, raven-black hair. Somehow a picture of Justin Bieber sneaks onto the screen, completely by coincidence. Then a raven-haired Lego citizen. Then President Obama with Evan’s 'do Photoshopped on his head. Trendy! So trendy that Len is now sporting an Evan mop-top. Kenny and Jerry are nonplussed.
- Evan is not without his weaknesses, for instance his interviews are a better cure for insomnia than a NyQuil mojito. The dancecasters nap through some monotonous video evidence.
- Kenny wants to recuse himself from discussing Erin, since they both work for ESPN. This lasts for about 10 seconds, when he criticizes Erin for mistakenly calling Maks “her Russian,” as Maks is technically from the Ukraine. Funny, nobody’s heard him complain so far…
- Len is fed up with their rehearsal hall bickering and whining. Looped video of a particularly vivid Maks tantrum illustrates the point.
- Pressed to name a winner, Jerry picks Nicole, because he really wants to get his hands on her. Kenny has the final word, saying that a DWTS champion has to be hungry, which is why he believes Niecy Nash will take it all this season. Ba-dum-chee!
At this point, Brooke stammers her way through an intro, as we hear more results: the next couple making it to the semi-finals is Evan & Anna! So far, we've had no surprises, but will the evening continue this way? After another abrupt commercial break (Tom is obviously aware how annoying the viewers find this trick), we learn that Erin & Maks are the third couple who will dance again next week. This means that either Niecy & Louis or Chad & Cheryl are going home.
Without further ado, Tom announces that the celebrity who has scuffed her last pair of Capezios is…Niecy Nash. Her farewell is a celebratory one, because she wasn’t really going to win, but she managed to dance very well and provide a season’s worth of laughs. She also managed to break up the tension at several key moments this season, which was sorely needed.
Niecy is proud that she accomplished what she did, considering she is “a 40-year-old mom with three C-sections under her belt.” She recycles the hula-hoop/Cheerio joke, but is sincere in expressing her joy in living out a dream. Tom praises her elegance as well as her good humor, and then we get a video package of Niecy’s Greatest Meals, as she and Louis take the floor one last time. Remaining true to herself, Niecy requests that Harold Wheeler play something with a groove to send them on their way, and he obliges.
Good night, Princess. Jiggly parting is such sweet sorrow.