I honestly didn't think I'd ever see the day when we'd be nearing the end of this season, not given the manure truck full of Z-list luminaries who were dumped on us in cold blood right at the beginning of the season. Yet, we're down to five of them and an argument could be made that either the cream has risen to the top or the ringers are ringing their way into the finals right on schedule. It should come as no surprise when I tell you that there's probably a lot of ringing going on. No, I know nothing. I have no insider knowledge and no contacts at ABC aside from that dude's email whom I
spammedcontacted* a few seasons back begging him to please make the show at least six hours long. Sadly, I think I was put on their spam list. This would explain why we're still stuck with puny little 2 hour shows. Such a waste or good airtime if you ask me.
Not that I mind the ringers, precisely – what would this show be without a healthy dose of pre-packaged goods? - but I hate predictability and I hate being patronized. Perhaps that's one big reason why I've lost interest in the show, oh about a week or two after it started. Did I just contradict myself there? Brain scramblage! Make of it what you will.
But, hey, enough about my
predictablebitching! I'm here to regale you with tales of two nights' worth of Dancing action. Well, sort of. Don't get too excited, I won't be trudging up the goings on from performance night but perhaps I'll give a quick mention of the highlights because I have a good heart and because I'm feeling uncharacteristically generous today. Do not look my gift paragraph in the mouth! Tom says it was epic and, for the most part, I'll just take his word for it.
Beam me up, Joanna!
It looks like one unlucky star will be shuffling it back to Kansas at the end of this episode. Bummer! I was hoping for at least two with visions of the grand finale dancing in my head. Read: visions of a Samantha-free future dancing in my head.
For some reason Len picks Joanna and Derek's Paso Doble from performance night as the big encore performance. I'm not entirely opposed to this pick since Joanna seems to be wearing some sort of Judy Jetson meets Madonna circa Vogue meets Lady Gaga sans the cool edge kind of getup. Throw in a funky shade of blue lipstick and this outfit is cookin'. Oh, and Derek is sporting a mohawk. I'm either in the Twilight Zone or this is going to be cool.
Len says this is how a Paso Doble might look on Season 50 of the show. Oy, vey, that sure put the right kind of fear in me. Their music is an obscure-ish dance track called Living on Video by an even more obscure Euro act called Pakito. I must applaud the unnamed producer who came up with this one instead of going for something obvious from, say, Kraftwerk. What of the dance itself? First of all Joanna's boustier and Derek's Star Trek-on-crack jacket are both lit up like Christmas trees which makes this an automatic cool in my book. Not to mention Joanna's skirt is silver lame. Score another point! Lastly, they both maintain appropriately deadpan expressions throughout the entire routine which is as fun to watch as anything I've ever seen on this show. The chick should win that cheesy trophy just for this one dance. It's almost irrelevant that their bit is only a so-so Paso because the visuals are just too cool for school. Yes, I'm raving about a DWTS dance routine. Something is definitely wrong with me!
Non sequitur: I spy Hugh Hefner and four of his bunnies in the audience making this officially the most surreal night of television since... well, in a while.
Holy flashback, Batman!
Before we can move on to a commercial, we find out that Aaron and Karina and [b]Donny and Kym[/s] are trailing behind. I guess the rest are leading with Mya and Dimitri right at the top of the food chain. Color me not shocked. Joanna and Derek are declared safe right away making way for the filler. Apparently, not one but two crooners are here to sing us to sleep tonight: both Michael Buble and Susan Boyle are on the show.
It seems show night was a big night with two dances apiece for each couple. Aaron had some trouble with a weak Foxtrot, Joanna botched the Quickstep, Kelly did a decent Foxtrot, Donny finally managed to not put too much Osmond into his Waltz and Mya Quickstepped it straight into Len's good graces.
The Latin round was the real kicker though. Donny did an 80s Paso Doble dressed up like Adam Ant's demented cousin who has watched one too many Duran Duran videos. Kelly went 60s Doris Day-ish, Joanna blasted off into space with the Paso while Mya discoed it up with a polyester themed Samba. And I can't remember what Aaron did. There, now you're all caught up and I've fulfilled my earlier promise of a bonus paragraph. All rejoice!
Dance-o-Matic for the people
To inject a bit of fluff into the proceedings, Michael Buble is on board to croon one of his many sweet Light FM hits. It's not that I don't appreciate Michael but this one's a bit on the boring side even with Maks, Tony, Cheryl and Anna all putting on a good show on the floor, so I'm going to skip it. Sorry.
Besides we have more business to attend to because Mya and Dimitri are declared safe as well and will be moving on right on schedule towards the finals. All's well in Dancing-land!
Then there's this other thing called “Design-a-Dance” which was voted on by the audience. Everything was decided democratically through online voting, including the style, the costumes, the song, the performer. Oh, and Sabrina Bryan was picked to perform. Take that Marie Osmond! I don't know why I just typed that. I guess I'll take any opportunity to stick it to the creepy doll lady. Yes, I am that pathetic today. Let's move on.
Have you been missing Dance Center? Fear not, Kenny Mayne is back and ready to tell it like it is. Len joins Kenny and that other dude whose name I forget. Jerry Rice! That's it. Stacy Keibler, whose last name always reminds me of dog food, is also on hand to offer up pearls of wisdom. Kenny hasn't watched the show but he is still ready to chime in with his opinions about every celeb. Almost like me except at least I DVR the thing. Of course then I fast forward through it all. Oh, well.
The bit is funny but I'm not going to launch into protracted descriptions of any of it except to say that Joanna's laugh is compared to that of a yelping seal. In the backstage interview with the dog food lady, Donny, still dressed up as the love child of Adam Ant and Michael Jackson is quizzed about his special, special bond with Bruno which he denies even as Bruno snuggles up to him wearing a white button-down unbuttoned down to his navel to reveal a hairy chest and a thick gold pimp chain. I'm telling you, these two would make a hot pair if only Bruno were gay! Meow! Sometimes I crack myself up for no good reason. It goes on for a bit but we all want to survive this recap so I'm going to just forge... See, it worked.
Bubbleing under, way, way under
Okay, where were we? Ah, yes. The fruits of many internet
fanaticsvoters' hard labor are finally going to be presented in the form of a performance by Sabrina Bryan and Mark Ballas who will be dancing the Paso Doble to Eye of the tiger in costumes strongly hinting of cavemen celebrating Halloween at a Neil Diamond convention. These costumes were designed by a lucky fan who is sitting in the audience beaming like a proud papa. They dance as good as we can all remember which is miles better than the current crop of wannabes. Hmm, why do I seem to recall myself mocking Cheetah Girl back in the day? Very bad of me indeed.
After this goodness, we're getting more Buble and this time I'm snickering big time. See, Michael is singing Feeling Good, a song most recently covered by one Adam Lambert on American Idol complete with dramatic entrance down a bil ole' staircase and vocals that were out of this world perfect. And I do remember that performance too well which is why this mealy mouthed, boring rendition leaves me absolutely cold. In fact, I think if I had a dog it might be howling in pain right about now. I'm going to tell my mother that she's not getting Michael's new CD for Christmas anymore.
After Buble finally splits, Donny and Kym are quickly added to the semi-finals lineup thus bringing another Osmond one step closer to that coveted mirror ball trophy. Will he avenge his creepy doll sister? Will I watch? Not if I don't have to...
What it Boyles down to
Remember Susan Boyle? She's the matronly UK cat lady who so impressed Simon Cowell on the Britain's Got Talent show and whose cheesy frumpy-frau-with-the-golden-voice audition video went viral on Youtube about a year or so ago? Well, she's here to sing yet another cover of the ubiquitous Wild Horses. The woman can croon decently but what's with all the nursing home elevator music on this episode? Not even Tony and Chelsie dancing a sweet duet can save this boring clunker for me. I'm cutting her off.
After a bit more Dance Center hilarity we're finally on to the most serious business of the night. Aaron and Kelly are in the bottom two and somebody is getting off the train tonight. The dramatic music swells, Tom launches into his usual spiel, the suspense is palpable, I'm about ready to pack it in and in the end Aaron is kicked out and will be forced to find another way to revitalize his sagging career.
And with that we're on to to semifinals week. Four celebs will be battling it out to the bloody end. Who will win? Who will lose? Come back here and I promise to cut out all the filler for you – perhaps even an entire show!! - and serve up the cold, congealed leftovers on a chilled-to-my-liking bitchy platter.