The next time the BBC Worldwide America logo parts the clouds, I’m beginning to think we will be seeing the ghosts of former contestants, dreamily waving from the Other Side. This week, the toothsome yet injury-prone sideshow freaks attempt the quickstep and the salsa, and hopefully they will all live to hear the judges’ comments afterward. One good sign at the top of the show: they all make it down the stairs as they are introduced! But wait a minute: where’s Steve-O? Already suffering from spasms and career whiplash, Mr. O was taken to a hospital after injuring his back in rehearsal only a few hours earlier. The good news is, in true Jackass tradition, we’ll get to see the footage of him hurting himself later in the show! But I shouldn’t jump ahead like that…at this point, simply writing about this show could cause an injury.
We Are Not in Love, Heck He Puts Mayo on His Hot Dogs!
First up, Holly & Dmitry do a rabidly perky quickstep to Harry Connick Jr.’s “We Are in Love.” Holly lets us know that her last-minute inclusion in the show didn’t allow her and Dmitry any time to get to know each other, so during practice this week, they played (what she thinks is) a game of 20 Questions, in order to learn more about each other. Ultimately they learned just how awkward quality time can get, and promptly went back to practicing. On the live show, Holly, decked out in a purple gown with the after-effects of a sequin factory explosion on her chest, tried to keep up with the DimitryTron 5000, but ultimately their quickstep was equal parts perky and jerky. The judges were blunt but helpful, and gave them 6’s all around. 18 + 18 (last week) = 36 points
Saving Face With His Feet?
Last week the judges rode David Alan Grier hard for his mugging during his and Kym’s routine. This week he wants to take things to another level with the salsa, and he did, in that he actually danced with his partner this time. But there’s something about his demeanor and lack of intensity that seems to say, “I’m a comedian on a dance show, laugh at my dilemma” instead of “I actually want to be here and compete”. The judges aren’t convinced either, and award them a 6-5-6. 17 + 19 (last week) = 36
Apparently the Quickstep Isn’t as Complicated as Other Things
Denise Richards enters Week 2 of her 2009 Reputation Rebuild Tour by vowing to improve on her middling attempt at the cha-cha last week. Also, not to cry like last week. Partner Maksim does all he can in rehearsals to get his tense partner to loosen up; being loose would seem to be a requirement for the song they chose, “We Go Together” from Grease. While not spectacular, Denise was indeed better this time, looking carefree and elegant on the floor. The judges noted a minor misstep, but otherwise showed her the triple-7 love. 21 + 18 (last week) = 39
Don’t Call Me Cloris, Bitch!
Belinda was not amused when Bruno compared her to Hurricane Cloris last week, and wants to put an end to that association. Unfortunately, painfully mismatched partner Jonathan’s dull choreography and a painfully tacky seaweed-green outfit don’t help in her bid to salsa the judges’ cares away. She looks too-cool-to-be-dancing as she stomps around the floor, and I can’t help but think that she really needs to get back in front of a mic stand, where she truly shines. Their salsa netted them three 6’s, after Tom reached behind the judges’ desk and took away Bruno’s “1” paddle in support. 18 + 17 (last week) = 35
All We Got Is Quickstep Mountain!
Tense, self-conscious rodeo king Ty and his patient partner Chelsie were cha-cha-charbroiled by the judges last week, but improving his dancing now seems to be job #2 for Chelsie after teaching him how to smile. It’s just not something he needs to do while riding a bull. Plus, he’s, y’know, married to Jewel. Dressed stiffly in white tie and tails, he begins his routine by flying down the stairs to meet his partner and high-fiving her…and missing. But all is not lost! As they dance to “Life Is a Highway” their quickstep gives a nod to its western cousin the two-step, something Ty may be more familiar with. He acquits himself nicely and the judges give them an ecstatic 7-6-7. Samantha promptly pops their balloon in the kiss-and-cry by asking how they’ll feel if/when they are in the Bottom 2 tomorrow night. 20 + 14 (last week) = 34
Ordering Up Some Hips and Salsa
Shawn has no hips. Mark has hips that are bigger than her. Between them, they should have two good hips to do the salsa justice, right? Costumed perfectly in a recut, refried Dorothy Lamour sarong (Google it, kids), Shawn does her hipster partner proud, and they tear up the floor with a dance that introduces some fun into the athletics, and nets them a trio of 8’s from the judges. 24 + 23 = 47
Where’s the Escape Key?
I love the Woz. There, I said it. And I loved that his platonic girlfriend Kathy Griffin was in the audience cheering him on (and I can’t wait to see if this night shows up on her reality show later this year). Not to be outdone by his peers, Woz even downloaded a foot fracture during the past week to stay competitive. Affable trooper that he is, Woz dons some geek-chic broken glasses and dances with pink-chiffon-laden partner Karina to Buddy Holly’s “Oh Boy”. He smiles and gives it his all, bless him, and while he’s surely poised to be eliminated soon, the fun that he and Karina program into their routines is really infectious. The judges award them an improved 6-5-6. 17 + 13 = 30
We Are in Love, But You Wouldn’t Know It From Our Dancing!
The salsa makes Chuck uncomfortable, as does moving in a sexy manner in front of his girlfriend (yeah, I said “huh?” too). But that’s okay, because when he dances with current flame Julianne, he knows her well enough to stay out of the way and let her shine. Which he does, and Julianne, dressed in a hideous flame-colored bra and clown pants, gyrates and kicks and twirls, while Chris plays the role of her stripper pole. Bizarrely, while the judges notice the lack of participation of the celebrity in this non-salsa, they reward the behavior with an inflated 6-7-7. 20 + 20 = 40
Footwork Is All a Headgame
Football legend LT & Edyta have some ground to make up from last week, and LT is determined to drive any doubts out of his head, and just dance. This philosophy comes in handy, as does the choice of quickstep for the routine, which isn’t that far removed from a running drill through tires. LT shows grace and poise that were largely absent last week, and the judges compliment the pair with a 7-6-7. 20 + 16 = 36
They Call Him Back-Flipper
Steve-O, Steve-O, Steve-O…the poor schlub whacked his already-wrenched back on his mic pack in rehearsals, and will not perform tonight. But since it appears not to be a game-ending injury, Tom informs us that the judges will look at his and Lacey's dress-rehearsal routine, and mark that. (I find fault with this, since most people I know don’t exactly give 100% during dress, saving the real stuff for the actual performance, but whatcha gonna do?). We get to see the routine-ending flip that put Steve out of commission, and overall it turns out to be a pretty subdued non-salsa, and receives an even more subdued 5-4-5 from the otherwise-sympathetic judges. 14 + 17 =31
Huck Finn Goes to Brooklyn
Lil’ Kim has already surprised us with a well-received cha-cha, but can she and impish partner Derek ‘bring it’ to the quickstep? Decked out in a sparkly red siren’s gown, Kim sported enough bling to pay respect to their chosen song, “Diamonds Are a Girl’s Best Friend.” Powered by some killer choreography, Kim & Derek floated through the routine, landing the fancy footwork with ease. The judges chastised them for dancing too far apart from each other (Kim explained that she didn’t want to crush Derek with her boobies), but otherwise the couple triumphed with a solid 8-7-8. 23 + 21 = 44
I Had the Time of My Life
Didya hear? Heartbroken cheerleader Melissa had only two days to prepare last week! No, it’s true! I think we can officially stop beating that point into the ground, Tom. Besides, the real news is that, with a whole week to prepare, she and fellow Whitening-Strips addict Tony busted out a salsa that brought the crowd to their feet, and left the judges gyrating in their seats (no really, Len said so!). Tony twisted Melissa like a pretzel more than once, and they both shook their…everything…enough times to make Carrie Ann thank them, and for Len to proclaim it “the salsa of the night.” The first two 9’s of the season are bestowed on the pair, with an 8 in the middle. 26 + 23 = 49
This Looks Like a Job for Le Superhunk!
Cheryl is nuts. Just plain nuts. In rehearsal for the quickstep, she tries to get melt-in-your-mouth Gilles to dial down the sexiness. That’s like asking Cloris to dial down the crazy. We also find out that Gilles has separated his shoulder, driving the curse on this season one body part further. But you wouldn’t know it from their routine, set to “Kryptonite” by 3 Doors Down. It ends with Gilles sliding the full length of the floor on his knees as he rips his shirt open to reveal a large green “G” on his chest. Nice touch. I’m sold, and so are the judges, who paddle the hunk with three 9’s! 27 + 24 = 51
So, will the Woz survive the judging? Will Steve-O survive, period? Will Gilles let me rub some soothing ointment on that shoulder? Tune into the Results show on Tuesday, and check here for iguanachocolate’s recap soon after!
Who is Julianne blackmailing this season? PM me with your guesses!