Welcome back, dance aficionados! It’s time for part two of our three part premiere
ad-salesentertainment extravaganza. Last night, the ladies cha’d the cha and trotted like the foxes they are; for all the details on their triumphs and tragedies be sure to check out MsFroggy’s fantastic recap. Tonight, the guys get a chance to strut it and shake it, and I for one can’t wait to see the man-sequins fly, so let’s chassé right on in!
Tom dubs our evening “Testosterone Tuesday,” and isn’t it a shame that estrogen is not a very alliterative word? He and Drew are very chipper in their dapper black suits and shiny ties, and if they were registering anything like a personality I’m sure I could think of something witty to say about them, but they aren’t so I can’t. Sorry. Our twelve couples march out onto the floor like the ladies and gentlemen they are, and our three judges clap and smile dutifully like their kids are up on stage playing the clarinet, which is very good-natured of them. Tom re-informs everyone that tonight is not the results show, no matter what you heard, and yes there will be Man Stars! Dancing! Tonight! Drew re-informs us that all of the ladies except Josie burned up the floor last night, and that ushers in an unnecessary and an unnecessarily long video recap of them doing just that, because why should you take Drew’s word for it?
Len sums up the state of the game by saying basically that the women were great and the men haven’t got a chance. Nice job getting your team motivated, Gipper.
Time for dance now! Cameron the Soap Star and Edyta are up first. Cam is counting on all his soap fans to give him the win, and Edyta is apparently taking a more proactive approach of clawing the competition to death with her fierceness. They’re a cute couple, but it wouldn’t be a show without dramatic obstacles for overcoming; Cameron confesses that he has a degenerative bone disease and had to wear leg braces when he was a child, so he’s not very flexible. He is however very appealing in a white singlet, so yay. Edyta is a little worried about his busy soap schedule, but Cameron repeatedly assures us all that he is in fact a dance machine, so I’m penciling them in for the win now. Machines are unstoppable, yo.
Appropriately decked out in a sleek-looking all-black tux and a gold sequined sheath with black fur trim, Cameron and Edyta dance a sweet little foxtrot to “Moondance.” Cameron’s a bit jerky, but he’s got the extension thing down for sure, his arms and legs fly everywhere, and he keeps up very nicely with Edyta, who is herself like liquid on the floor. Len notes the jerkiness and tells Cameron to watch his pivots; Bruno compliments his long, smooth, form but calls him halfway between a Buick and a Rolls Royce. So he’s what, a Lincoln Continental? That’s not half bad. Carrie Ann says Cameron started off weak but got stronger, and then says he looked fantastic, because somebody had to and Bruno dropped the ball. Scores: 7s all through, for a total of 21.
“Pretty Boy” Floyd and Karina are our next dazzling duo, and both have lots of championships to their credit, so you know they’re going to lose here. The mighty always fall. Floyd is excited to dance, but gets frustrated because Karina looks so much better than him. I’m guessing because she’s a dancer. Floyd then brats about the steps being too hard for him to learn. I don’t know what he thought this was, but he should’ve just stayed home and started an Electric Slide contest at his next barbecue if he was looking for easy. To the left, to the left! Karina gets fed up, walks out, and thus magically makes Floyd’s heart grow three sizes. He apologizes, she returns to teach, and now they’ve both got big smiles on ready to Cha Cha their way into our hearts.
They dance to “I Like the Way You Move,” and to his credit Floyd puts all kinds of energy into the rapid-fire choreography, but his feet don’t always keep pace with the rest of him. And this is Cha Cha, so of course Karina is doing a bit more of the work what with the turns and flourishes. But they look great together, and the crowd is on its feet as they finish. Bruno changes Floyd’s name from Mayweather to September Storm, and isn’t he clever? I bet Floyd rushes home to put that on all his stationery. Bruno also compliments Floyd’s energy and rhythm and urges him to harness it for fuller power, and ultimately, world domination. Len says it wasn’t a great first outing but he knows Floyd can do better. Carrie Ann wants him to try (na na na) a little tenderness. Scores: 6s all through, which gives them an 18. I didn’t expect that.
Helio: Heavenly Body
Helio sits on his seat professionally, but don’t let that fool you because as an Indy 500 chamo he knows a thing or two about flying around in circles. He’s paired with last year’s champ Julianne, and she’s determined to keep her credentials intact. Helio’s name really matches his sunny disposition – he’s all smiles and charm, but he’s onboard for the win, and Julianne thinks his Brazilian blood is going to guarantee some extra advantage in the rhythm department. Oh yeah, I bet he was born with the bossa nova. Pfft. They seem to get on well, which is nice to see. Helio was apparently in an awful crash right before the show but not to worry! He’s irrepressible and ready to dance.
They’ve got foxtrot, so they’re center stage in evening clothes and I have to say I’m digging Julianne’s deep purple wrap skirt and bell-bottoms. They dance to “Bewitched,” which I never knew had real words, and they’re pretty wonderful together. Helio is really graceful, and he’s a great match for Julianne. Carrie Anne agrees and calls him a natural, Bruno gushes something about chemistry, and Len admires their effortless performance and tells the ladies they’ve finally got something to worry about. Aw yeah, it’s a competition now! Scores: 8s from Carrie Ann and Bruno, and a 9 from Len for a total of 25. This thrills Helio, who is so obviously having a ball, because he is a darling.
Really, Really, Ridiculously Good Looking
The requisite model is on now; Albert the Face is paired with Anna, and he’s a bit intimidated. Albert is a goofball, so he clashes a bit with Anna’s serious demeanor, but he’s willing to do whatever it takes to win, including lampooning his profession through dance, as he offers to incorporate a little Zoolander into the routine. I hope he goes for the “Le Tigre.” “Blue Steel” is so played.
Albert and Anna do the Cha Cha to “A Little Less Conversation,” which is apparently Cha Cha-able. Who knew? They also give us our first official dramatic clothing rip, as Anna strips Albert of his heavy coat and finally gives us some man-sequins, on a plunging V-neck shirt even! So they’re my second favorites already and they’ve barely danced a step. But hey, it turns out their dancing is pretty all right. Len for some reason compares watching them to watching a stripper and that’s more about him than I’ll ever be able to forget; Bruno says he dug the crotch action and now I’m seriously going out for brain bleach. Carrie Ann must’ve already dunked her head but good, because she’s too mixed up to comment on Anna and Albert’s performance. Scores: 7s all round, tying them with Cameron and Edyta.
Mark Cuban is a billionaire, and so he has my seething jealousy and rage, but he also has Kym as a partner, and he’s apparently really competitive, so he may make it pretty far in this thing. I can’t say much more about him, because my soul hurts just thinking about his billions of dollars, so I don’t even know what it is he does. Besides the foxtrot. He and Kym dance to “King of the Road,” which maybe is supposed to be ironic, like the patches on Mark’s suit. Ha. I laugh through my pain. I also wonder why he feels the need to stick his tongue out during the dance. What a tapestry of emotions Mark weaves. Bruno says Mark needs a lot of work on technique, but likes that he had a good time out there. Carrie Ann critiques his posture, but praises his showmanship; Len says Mark is somewhere between a disaster and bliss, but he doesn’t say where he is on the spectrum. Scores: Again with the all 7s, so they’re now in a 3-way tie for second place.
Save the Mess For Last
Sorry Wayne, the title just came to me, fully-formed, like a gift. Had to run with it. Yes, Wayne Newton is closing the show tonight, and he’s also the first person on that I’d truly call a star. Tom obviously concurs, as he gives Wayne a real buildup, touting his years of experience and hundreds of illustrious gigs, but somehow forgetting to mention Wayne’s star turn in National Lampoon’s Vegas Vacation, so I’m taking this opportunity to remind you of that. Mr. Las Vegas is partnered with Cheryl the two-time champ, and sees this as a chance to spring back into action. I like his enthusiasm, and I also like that Wayne has a bouquet of gorgeous red roses waiting for Cheryl. That’s class. During practice he seems to instantly pick up what Cheryl’s putting down, so it looks like no worries for Wayne on the choreography end. Now if he can just keep his face and hair from melting under the studio lights, he’s in business. (Oy. That even hurt me.)
Wayne and Cheryl Cha Cha to “My First, My Last, My Everything,” and Wayne is pretty stiff out on the floor. I’d say Wayne is bringing up the rear as far as dancing goes, but he earns some extra credit for giving it the old Vegas try, and even more for his ruffly black sequined shirt. The dance itself is fine; it’s even sort of identifiable as a Cha Cha, which is some kind of revelation for this show. The judges are predictably wimpy with the judging. Cheryl calls Wayne old, and then calls Len older before telling Wayne to work his hips more. Len gives them a spirited “Well done!” and comes dangerously close to not saying anything about dance at all, but Bruno gently warns Wayne to mind his feet. No one warns him to mind his face; they’re all just that much nicer than I am. Ah well. Scores: 6s from Carrie Ann and Bruno, and a 7 from Len, who I suspect just owes Wayne for some 40-year-old favor, because I can think of no other reason for him to score higher than Floyd.
So those are our fellas! Helio and Julianne are way out in front with 25; Cameron and Edyta, Mark and Kym, and Albert and Anna are all tied in second with 21; Wayne and Cheryl come in fifth with 19, and one point behind are Floyd and Karina. But, were any of the guys bad enough to get the boot before Josie? Thursday brings us our results and Dolly Parton on top of that! Wayne and Dolly together in one place? That battle for pancakiest face should be legendary, so be sure to come right back here to read all about it, because the snarkilicious MsFroggy is bringing you the news.
Everything’s better with sequins! Right? PM me if you’ve got costume tips to share.