Ever wonder what all those recycled bits o’ previous episodes of reality shows are for? They’re actually put in to help recappers who have not previously seen a series get up to speed. Alas, even with them, I’m lost; I’ve got the basic premise, but I have no idea who most of these alleged “Stars” are. When the hot “Dreamweaver” chick from Wayne’s World and a man who’s most famous for his tan are the most high profile people on the show, it has the power to throw one into a world of confusion from which one might never escape.
Before I continue the recap, it’s full disclosure time: I actually love ballroom dancing, and I enjoyed much of last season. The main reason I haven’t watched this season of Dancing with the Stars? Lisa Rinna’s lips. They effin’ terrify me. Her gargantuan Gortex lip implants make her mouth look like one of those cushioned toilet bowl seats they sell in those catalogs my grandparents used to get in the mail. Oh, and Tom Bergeron is an enormous tool. He makes Bob Saget look like a golden god. Anyhoofer, on to the results show!
The Perfect Score
Tom and his insipid brunette co-host, Whatser Name, drum up some excitement by announcing that tonight brings a special guest…Oh ladies and gentlemen, hold on to your varicose vein supporting pantyhose! It’s Barry Manilow! [Crowd of people in walkers rush the stage…at snail pace] Wow, I don’t know how long we can wait for this earth-shattering event, but our anticipation is prolonged by a recap montage of last night’s action, which you can read all about in Yardgnome’s lovely recap.
The judges choose safety-orange clad couple (that’s so’s the hunters in the area won’t shoot ‘em) Stacy & Tony to do an encore performance of their perfect score garnering samba from the night before. I don’t know who the hell this Stacy Keibler is, but I’m guessing with her mile long legs and hyperblonde hawtness, she’s not related to those tree-dwelling, cookie-making hobbits. Anyway, she and Tony samba away to a barely recognizable rendition of Bootylicious sung perfunctorily by a vocalist who seems unsure of the lyrics, or is just the wee bit off, as if slowed down by cold medication. Nevertheless, Stacy and Tony’s booty shaking skills are undeniable and, for Stacy at least, that short skirt doesn’t hurt. Oh wait, hang on, the phone’s ringing and it’s for Stacy—it’s a stripper from Cheetah’s in Vegas and she wants her costume back.
The Less Than Perfect Score
Meanwhile, Whatser Name is talking to the couples who “divided the judges” [cough]losers[/cough] but NOT after…yes, another look back at recycled footage of past performances. They start off with Tia and Max’s number—and might I add Tia looks damn fine for having just dropped a kid less than a couple months ago. The judges seemed to like the middle of their number, but nothing else; Whatser Name asks if they feel they should have done something differently, to which Tia responds with an answer that sounds diplomatic (that it’s not her choice to make, but Max’s, and he stands by his decision) but is underneath the surface quite passive-aggressive (conceding maybe it did go on too long, and basically implying that he’s a stubborn ass, and it’s all his fault).
Next up: Lisa Rinna’s hideously pneumatic pout. She and her partner, the wee, spritely looking Louis, pull off what looks to be a pretty good performance replete with crotch-splitting stances and crisp, clean movements. She and Louis seem confident that they are moving towards victory, but she still frightens me irrationally, in the manner of hypodermic needles and clowns.
Next is Jerry Rice with Anna. I don’t think it’s too bad, though I do agree with the judges that he doesn’t look completely comfortable. He’s a pretty stiff, wooden lug, especially in comparison to how the snappy, swirly Anna moves around him. It sort of resembles how one might imagine an ancient pagan may have looked, dancing around a sacred tree.
Manilow and Behold
Well, they’ve been hyping up Barry Manilow’s appearance all this time, and finally the moment arrives when he will perform—Guess. No guess. Really, you’ll never guess in a million years—”Copacabana”! What a surprise! As the familiar strains of “Her name is Lola, she was a showgirl,” come out of Barry’s mouth, Barry’s eyes show that he is just as surprised as we are. Wait, no that expression appears to be one of permanent surprise.
Perhaps he knows Rinna’s plastic surgeon? Even singing, he doesn’t seem to move his mouth more than is necessary to get the words out, as if in fear that, with his face is pulled back so tight, opening up too wide might pop out a staple or two.
The pros come out to dance, and Louis and Cheryl prove to be excellent–that chica’s footwork is insane. Barry has an annoying habit of yelling, “Go!” at the dancers repeatedly in the middle of the song in a bossy way. What is that all about? No YOU go, you crazy old crooner with your creepy rictus. Anyway, the pros are fantastic, and their rousing number makes me want to get up and dance. Unfortunately, “Copacabana” will be in my head all week, like a solvent slowly melting away my sanity.
After the number Tom Bergeron gushes all fangirly-like over Manilow; it’s like a disturbing glimpse into the possible future of an overzealous Clay Aiken fan. “OMG, it’s Barry Manilow and he’s like right here!” Bergeron squeals creepily before heading backstage to dress in his “Mandy” costume and worship in his secret Manilow shrine.
He Could Have Called It a Pickle Sling
Whatser Name is now talking to George Hamilton and his partner Edyta, who appears to have taken advantage George’s Frequent Tanner discount for friends and family. They show Edyta, in her Carmen Miranda meets Big Bird in the machine from The Fly get up, dancing with George. Not to knock George, but Edyta really seems to be doing most of the hard work. During one part of the number, she actually throws herself onto the ground and picks herself up in a move that is usually assisted by the male who ought to be leading. I wonder if this is what sex with the old guy might be like? Then I immediately slap myself upside the head for actually imagining what sex with George Hamilton might be like.
Next up is Drew Lachey dancing with Cheryl. Who is this tiny guy? What has he done? Anyway, their number from last night contains Special FX. Oh yeah, Industrial Light & Magic must have come up with this one: mid-dance, Drew’s sleeves rip off to become multifunctional dance props. Since getting undressed seems to have worked out for them this week, Drew comments that next week he might just come out in a rubber band and peanut shell—shudder to think what that wardrobe malfunction might look like!
The Magic of Live TV
Having Tom Bergeron on my screen keeps making me think we’ll be seeing video of some guy getting hit in the balls by his pet cat followed by canned laughter. But instead we’re treated a filler feature on how they prepare for their weekly numbers. Friday night, right after the results show, they get their new music, then Saturday morning is choreography straightaway, and it’s so much hard work, blah blah. “We make the impossible possible,” Tia says, as if they have found the cure for cancer or an end to war amongst humans.
Finally, they reveal two of the couples who will be moving on to the next round: Stacy & Tony (natch), and Lisa & Louis. Lisa Rinna’s lips continue to disturb me. The best part about this segment was watching Edyta fix her boobs onstage, unaware that the camera was on her. Whatsername keeps stumbling over her words. The judges gabble on, yet again—like we haven’t heard enough from them already.
We learn that the 2005 World Professional Mambo Champions are here to perform tonight. The professional dancing couple with absurdly long names I cannot be arsed to type come out in sexy earth-toned costumes and show us how Latin’s really done. Heck, they were so good, I will give you their names after all (Emmanuel Pierre-Antoine and Joanna Zacharewicz) but let it be known that if they had sucked Cheez Whiz, I wouldn’t have bothered.
The Magic of Live TV Continues…and Just Keeps Going
Are we ever getting to any more results? Not yet, first we’re subjected to a BS “We’re all one Big Happy Family” segment. Yeah right, you love each other sooo much you don’t want to see the other person fail. I’m waiting for someone to throw beads down on the stage, à la Showgirls. Every time I see Lisa Rinna’s distorted duck bill, I don’t know whether to cry in fright or sing the Duck Tales theme song.
Will we ever learn who America voted for? Not until we’ve heard Barry Manilow AGAIN! It feels like I have been watching this show for four hours! GOOD GOD when will the madness end?!! Barry does a leisurely version of “Unchained Melody” as video of past dance performances play on a vid screen behind him…The lyrics “time goes by so slowly” never rang more true.
FINALLY, after swooning away in the darkness to the dulcet tones of his beloved Barry, Tom Bergeron announces who will be returning: Drew & Cheryl and Jerry & Anna. Who will be going home? It’s between the George & Edyta and Tia & Max. Tia smiles bravely as they go to commercial, but behind her eyes is a definite look of “Oh crapness.”
The American voting public speaks: Tia & Max are out. Tia’s farewell montage shows her to be not only gorgeous but a sweetheart; also, it reveals that dancing just might be the best way to lose post-baby weight! Tia leaves gracefully, saying she hadn’t even expected to make it past the first round, and expresses excitement that she can spend time with her new baby and husband. She also expresses gratitude to Max, who seems truly fond of the relationship he developed with Tia.
The show closes with Barry Manilow crooning “Can’t Smile Without You” as Tia and Max give their farewell dance, an odd, compass-like spin in the middle of the dance floor. Tom Bergeron tries to steal away backstage before anyone notices to go steal underpants from Manilow’s dressing room. Fin.
Tonight, I will have nightmares about Lisa Rinna’s lip implants: snowflakegirl@fansofrealitytv. com