ABC must be jumping for joy, not because our favorite dancing show is getting boffo ratings, but because this season’s stunt casting is really paying off in watercooler talk and viral video clips. “OMG, Sarah Palin got booed!” (She didn’t) “OMG, Len gave Bruno the smackdown for being a little beyotch to Michael Bolton!” (He did and he did) “OMG, Brooke said something witty and thought-provoking!” (Yeah, keep dreaming) So, let’s see if anything from tonight will make the watercooler bubble and froth tomorrow.
Tom and Brooke greet us and dive right into some early results: Kyle and Lacey, who once again charmed the judges and the crowd, are safe. Meanwhile, an overbearing Brandy and a frustrated Maks bicker their way into a red “jeopardy” spotlight.
The Mouse That Roared
Tom welcomes the judges with a joke about Bruno also being in jeopardy with the audience for his scathing comments to Michael Bolton about his tepid Jive. Bruno, who must have been rehearsing in front of a mirror all afternoon, instantly shoots back with a veiled threat to jump over to “Fox” (meaning the Oscar to DWTS’s Felix, So You Think You Can Dance). The ABC bosses must have spit out their half-chewed Tums at that liiiiiiive nod to the enemy. I expect Bruno will be receiving a strangled Mickey Mouse doll in the mailbox tomorrow. (Get over yourself, Bruno. You went overboard and got nailed for it.) As Tom tries to reason with him, Bruno takes yet another shot at Michael, as the camera cuts to him in the Sky Box, scowling as he did the night before. It’s on, twinkle toes.
Len takes Bruno to the woodshed yet again for not adding something constructive to his cracks, and Bruno tries to pooh-pooh him but can’t be heard over the crowd’s cheering. Meanwhile, Carrie-Anne has slid under the desk to avoid stray bullets as Len introduces tonight’s encore performance: Kyle & Lacey’s fun Quickstep, which charms like it did 24 hours before.
UNH! I feel good!
For our first filler course this evening, Tom introduces an artist I’ve never heard of, Janelle Monáe. Well, I’ve heard of her now! She is a soul spitfire who puts on a James Brown-style revue complete with a large band and several possessed backup dancers. The judges and the crowd are already on their feet by the time the number concludes. Filler nutritional value: 9 (out of 10)
From this high we descend rapidly to Brooke interviewing couples in the star tank. Anyone else get a nosebleed? First up, Florence ups the ante in her quest to seduce Len for some better paddlings by locking not just lips, but hips with him. Granny’s frisky tonight! The Situation babbles something that closed-captioners will have trouble following, and Bristol Palin says something into her navel.
Then Brooke pushes everyone aside to corner Jennifer and Derek, in order to address Boo-Gate from last night. We get to see B-roll of the judges as the booing started, and it appears that the crowd was indeed taking on the judges for their light scoring of Derek & Jen, and not booing Sarah Palin once the spotlight hit her (which, interestingly, they didn’t show us…hmm…) Brooke lets the couple bask in the glow of the crowd’s support until Tom yanks the show back from them.
Three paddles in search of a lifeboat
More results: Florence and Corky (the Brady they kept locked in the cellar) are thrilled beyond Botox to be safe, and Bristol the Pistol finally lets herself exhale as she and Mark are pronounced safe as well. Mark celebrates by officially deleting Shannon Doherty from his Blackberry. Things don't look as good for an increasingly lost-looking Situation and a smirk-concealing Karina, as they receive the dreaded “in jeopardy” fish-slap.
After a commercial break, Tom and Brooke scoop out a couple of more results before the next serving of filler: Audrina & Tony are safe, but we never get to see if Tony’s legs are indeed newly smooth as a Hough’s behind. As for Jennifer & Derek…duh! Sooo safe!
And Sometimes I Stick My Hands Under My Arms Like This and I Smell Them…
A video segment follows where the pro dancers share their pre-show rituals and superstitions with us. Most of them involve eating homemade cookies or tossing a football around, but Corky wins this round by sharing his daily ritual of bending down and smelling the dance floor. Cheryl comes in second with her ritual of spreading Purell in her armpits. No, I’m not kidding. At the end of the segment, Tom is fairly speechless. Filler nutritional value: 5
Just be glad he doesn’t do the same thing to Florence.
Tom tells us that we voted for the cha-cha-cha as the mode of transport for this season’s much-anticipated (cough) Macy’s Design-a-Dance. (Do you remember voting? I don’t) This week we can vote on the song, which will probably be from another list of awful 80’s power ballads. For tonight’s Macy’s Stars of Dance, we get something…something…what the heck was that? Well there were some contortionists and some tumbling and some harpists, and a stage that looks like the set for Project Runway in the 24th Century. Memo to whoever this was: tossing in a ballerina and some guys on wires doesn’t make you Cirque du Soleil. This act looked like one of those snooty perfume commercials mixed with an old Mike Myers/Dieter skit. Filler nutritional value: 2
Now is the time on Sprockets when we dance! Touch my monkey!
Realizing the trauma that the show has just inflicted on America, a quick-thinking Tom pushes Seal out on the stage to sing a song. It’s supposed to be a new song, but it sounds like a lot of his old songs. But that’s okay with me. Like Sade, Seal just makes anything sound good. No sign of his lovely housefrau Heidi in the audience, though. Filler nutritional value: 8
Really pressing their luck, the producers throw another video segment at us. It’s their standard, generic buildup of the dancers, talking about how the pressure’s on but they’re all competitors and they’re here to win, all underscored by some bland, pulsating ESPN sports theme. If this were Big Brother, this is the point where Rachel would chime in with her “I’ve been fighting since Day One” whine. Filler nutritional value: 0.5
Bootyshakes and Buttkickings
Suddenly remembering that this is a results show, Tom & Brooke pick off a few more couples. We get a recap of Michael & Chelsie’s awful Jive, followed by Bruno blowing his poison darts at them. We also see bits from Kurt and Rick’s routines, which fared much better. Also, Rick shakes his rump at us in the Kiss & Cry area, apparently a teaser for next week’s dance if he survives.
Mistress Cheryl plans the menu for her upcoming barbecue.
Then, just when we thought we could get through a whole week without a cryer, Margaret unleashes some tears (of joy, really) at the revelation that she’s actually becoming a dancer. She then presents her behind in the Kiss & Cry just like Rick did, only hers is reserved specifically for Bruno. As are many behinds all across America this week, I suppose.
The couples line up to take the hit: Kurt & Anna are safe, as are Margaret & Louie. Rick & Cheryl and Michael & Chelsie are the unlucky couples left in limbo before a commercial break.
Brooke interviews Michael, who talks about how great the experience has been, except for Bruno who was “inappropriate and disrespectful”. The other couples cheer him on, as Bruno clowns around at his desk, slapping his own hand.
How Am I Supposed to Jive Without You?
Back on the floor, Rick & Cheryl are safe (duh), which leaves The Situation, Brandy and Michael as the sacrificial lambs. One more commercial break later, the extremely expected occurs: Michael & Chelsie get the heave-ho. I wonder how many weeks the Situation is going to endure being in the bottom two before he finally goes. What’s the record for that?
Michael is surprised to be going home (see The Hoff’s speech last week), and talks about how great and gracious everyone has been, as Bruno picks his nose and eats it. Oh wait, that was that local newscaster the other night. Anyway, Michael & Chelsie bounce around the floor one final time and receive their hugs from the rest of the cast. The credits roll as Bruno is found in the parking lot, slashing Michael’s tires.