After a week of agonizing, hyper-analytical speculation over “will SHE go this week”, I was expecting the suspense over Kate Gosselin’s fate to be drawn out till the end of the hour as usual. But tonight, we could barely catch our breath from the opening credits when Tom Bergeron said those fateful words, “Kate and Tony…you are in the Bottom Two!”
See thread title.
Gone in Sixty Seconds
(For those wondering, it happened at exactly 2 minutes and 17 seconds into the hour.) Well! So much for suspense! Honestly, just knowing that much is enough to satisfy me until 2 minutes to 9. After all, and unbelievable as it may seem, this is the first time all season that Kate has been in the actual Bottom Two. Let's hear it for hope and change!
By the way: before the skies opened up, Derek and Nicole were pronounced safe. Continuing the brisk pace of the show, Tom and Brooke lead us right into Len’s take on this week’s Movie Night-themed competition:
- Len was disappointed in Erin & Maks’ slow-starting Pulp Fiction jive, as was Erin, who couldn’t stop beating herself up backstage afterward.
- Jake became a real contender in Len’s eyes with this weeks’ pantsless Risky Business routine.
- Pam’s stock plummeted this week, even though she was a perfect Dolly Parton in her & Damian’s otherwise entertaining 9 to 5 quickstep. But Len hates non-dance action on the floor, even more than Carrie-Ann hates lifts…
- Len refers to these first three couples as the middle of the pack. Mincing no words, he lays into the couples who are scraping the bottom in his eyes, beginning with Niecy & Louis. Niecy jiggled everything but the toilet handle for Len, but he wasn’t having any of it this week.
- Cheryl looked like she was hanging on for dear life in her & Chad’s quickstep. Len thinks Chad has far to go in terms of living up to his potential.
- Kate and Tony’s bizarre, zombified walk-through of a fox trot loosely tied to The Breakfast Club left Len, and everyone, mystified. Detention is too good for them.
- From the bottom to the top: Len is enjoying the ongoing battle between Nicole and Evan for the top spot. Evan & Anna’s rumba was quality, and Nicole & Derek’s Pretty Woman tango left Len excited, as well as Derek, who toppled over the bench as they approached the Kiss & Cry room after the dance. Down, boy!
For the encore performance, Len surprises us by requesting to see Jake’s tighty whiteys once more. Then again, this may be one of the few chances to give an encore to Jake, so why not. For all the worry about Jake having a wardrobe malfunction, this time Chelsie is the one who has to do some quick thinking in between steps as her shoulder straps keep slipping. Nothing to see here, FCC, flip back to Fox!
Mo’ Better Blues
After the break, we are treated to a hot performance by R&B superstar Maxwell, who sings his #1 hit “Fistful of Tears” while a semi-identified couple burn up the floor with a smoldering duet.
Tom and Brooke recap the leader board for us, and then Tom calls two more couples front and center, so they can hear their fate: Chad & Cheryl are “in jeopardy” (not in the bottom 2, but left dangling for the sake of drama), and Niecy and Louis are safe.
One Flew Over the Cukoo’s Nest
Brooke interviews Kate, who at this point is fairly catatonic, and Chad, who makes vaguely threatening remarks towards the judges. Crazy eyes all around! Medication time! Next, Adam Corolla returns in “Between the Mirrorballs” to give his impressions on this week’s dances. Niecy gets skewered for her constant “thick girl” references. Pam & Damian get fake-skewered for all the props used during their dance, as we are then treated to a flashback to Adam’s unicycle ride when he was a contestant. Oops! Kate doesn’t escape the segment, as Adam believes he is watching her routine in slow-motion (he’s not). Finally, Adam wonders why Evan gets praise for his spins, when hello, figure skater!
Austin Powers in Blue Skies on a Saturday Night Fame Fever?
This week’s Macy’s Stars of Dance segment is what we on the internet like to call a mash-up: Film choreographer Marguerite Derricks recreates her more famous routines from some of the movies mentioned above. Each one lasts about 30 seconds. Time is money! For the Fame segment, Debbie Allen briefly pops into the frame to utter her famous line, introducing a dance from last year’s awful remake that resembles nothing more than a “Solid Gold” routine, with lots of pirouettes thrown in to make you think of the performing arts school. I liked the Austin Powers part, as well as the first segment that paid tribute to a classic Fred Astaire routine.
Four Men and a Hot Little Lady
Following this is Debi Nova, making her U.S. debut with her hit single “Drummer Boy”, accompanied by the all-star quartet of Derek, Tony, Damian and Dmitry Chaplin. It’s one of the hottest things I’ve ever seen performed on that floor. If you didn’t see it, find it.
The Pajama Game
Next up is a clip package about how the stars are designing the costumes for the coming week’s dances. Expect tackiness from Niecy, hotness from Pam, sheerness from Chad, color-blindedness from Jake, thoughtfulness from Evan, and tightness from Nicole.
Two more couples take their place under the hot lights, as we find out that Evan & Anna are safe, and Jake & Chelsie are in the phantom “jeopardy” zone. Afterwards, Brooke interviews the luckier contestants, who tend to babble, until Louis wakes up the proceedings by announcing that he will be offering food to Niecy as enticement to work harder this week. Upon hearing the news, Niecy jumps for joy.
Briskly, Tom takes over and calls out Erin & Maks and Pam & Damian. As they find their marks, Tom informs Erin & Maks that they are safe, and Maks jumps and runs around the room as if he just won a car on “The Price Is Right.” He then remembers that he has a partner, patiently waiting for her hug. As for Pam & Damien, their game show of choice this week is “Jeopardy.” Damn that Len!
Throw Momma from the Train
After a recap of the dances performed by the four remaining couples, Tom & Brooke stretch out the drama as much as possible, which is surprising since the show so far has traveled at light speed. The first “in jeopardy” couple pronounced safe are Jake & Chelsie, followed by Chad & Cheryl. This means that Pam & Damian inexplicably spend another week in the Bottom Two, this time with Kate & Tony. Len and Carrie-Ann offer some kind words for both stars, and then Tom lowers the ax upon the heads of…Kate and Tony. Kate is devastated, and needs a minute to compose herself before answering any of Tom’s questions. Tom kindly skips the “memory lane” clip package so that more praise and fond words of farewell can be heaped upon the simple mom who gave her all so that her 8 kids won’t starve. Adios, Kate. What’s next for her, one wonders. My money is on Toddlers & Tiaras…