Results, results, results…you know, I think we have become much too results-oriented as a society. Why can’t we simply applaud each other’s drive and spirit, and then continue dancing? (That is, after Kate is dumped to the curb—c’mon America, stop doing her favors! Someone’s gonna write an opera about her someday, and it’s not gonna have a happy ending!)
As surprising as Shannen’s elimination was last week, Tom and Brooke hint that this week could prove to be just as shocking. With that, the floodlights go haywire and the music gets dramatic, and the couples are lined up (without blindfolds), ready to hear the first bit of news…which is that Aiden and Edyta are safe! Aiden is happy, but Edyta is positively shocked, as if someone just told her she won…a brand new car! Also returning for another grueling week: Erin and Maks! Erin breathes a sigh of relief, and Maks takes a curtain call…you can just see the variety show these too are going to star in this summer.
Time for Len’s Perspective on the dancing this week:
By virtue of their heap-topping, Evan and Anna get tonight’s encore, and the quickstep looks even better than it did on Monday.
- Not that you would have known it on Monday, but overall Len loved the show!
- Jake & Chelsie are “just okay,” which means doomed, due to his “soft legs”
- Len is over the current Niecy, and wants to see Niecy v2.0
- Pam’s paso doble was one sloppy burrito of a dance, but it was hot and spicy
- Len saw a slight improvement in Chad, while Chad saw a huge improvement in Chad. Cheryl just sort of nods supportively…
- Aiden suffers from “analysis paralysis” or the inability to stop thinking and just dance in the moment
- Nicole & Derek’s rogue quickstep was “just a slapstick number”
- Fire! Aggression! Attack! These are all the things that Kate’s paso doble lacked
- Buzz…poor Buzz…”they story was charming, the dancing was alarming”
- Len confesses to Erin that he should have marked her waltz a 6 instead of a 7, for the lack of pure waltz content. (What, was he drinking or something?)
- Evan came out on top of the heap, ably handling Anna’s quickstep
While we are left to contemplate who else is safe tonight, Tom introduces country superstar Reba McEntire, who runs through her huge hit “I Want a Cowboy” while Maks, Val, Edyta and Snejana whoop it up Western style on the dance floor. Tom can’t help but comment: “The old American West, as danced by three Russians and a Pole!” Ba-zing. After the song, Tom asks Reba for her impressions on this season’s stars, and she lists Erin, Evan and Nicole as her favorites. There’s one mom who isn’t on Team Kate!
"Back home in Russia, cows poke YOU!"
Reba runs off to avoid thrown objects from the other dancers, but she’ll be back later. Meanwhile, Tom runs down the scores from last night, from last-place Buzz & Ashly with 13 points, all the way up to Evan & Anna with 26. But how have America’s
crazy-assvotes affected the leader board? The dancers line up again to be picked off, as Tom and Brooke offer a lifeline to…Niecy & Louis! They take their salvation graciously.
After a break, we are treated to something unique: Derek and Chelsie perform a paso doble (probably to show the others what theirs should have looked like), accompanied only by acoustic guitar and violin. As the number begins, an acoustic guitar is being played by…hey, that’s Derek! Once Chelsie takes the floor, Derek hands his guitar over to his injured best buddy Mark Ballas, who continues playing as the couple burn the floor in a paso that is both understated and wild, but mostly hot. Except for the usual leap onto the judges’ platform that has become the most tired move ever, the number is original and awesome. Chelsie is smoking, and Derek shows a maturity that people don’t usually think of with him.
Bruno loves his job.
While Derek & Chelsie cool off and reapply, Brooke interviews saved celebs Aiden, Niecy and Erin. Aiden tells us ten different ways that he’s never danced before (that’s why you’re on the show, genius). Erin talks about being sick this past week, while Niecy registers concern that she won’t be able to fully utilize all her “jiggly parts” next week as she is dancing the rumba. (Obviously she hasn’t seen one before…)
Tom then scares the heck out of everyone by announcing in a booming, reverb-enhanced voice that next week will feature a Double! Score! Showdown! Len explains that the couples will receive two sets of marks instead of one, for technique and for performance. Obviously, they have finally figured out a way to push Kate out the door no matter how many votes her
rabid loonsfans throw her way. I’m excited! Len also says that all the routines will have to include a list of specific moves provided by the show.
Hear that Derek? Len’s puttin’ the chains on ya! Forget Kate, if Buzz were still around next week he’d end up in traction. Let’s start an injury pool right now…
Len then makes a silly pun about Season Ten and Tension, but it’s not worth recapping. What is worth recapping is that Nicole & Derek are the next pair to be pronounced safe! They are officially out of the doghouse.
Reba returns to perform another smash hit, assisted by Lacey (all legs) and Dmitry (open-shirted) on the floor. They provide a steamy, acrobatic routine with more spins that an entire day of Fox News. The crowd loves it, and Reba applauds Lacey and Dmitry along with them.
Tom then reminds us about the upcoming, hopelessly anti-climactic Macy’s Design-A-Dance performance, letting us know that we picked Joey Fatone to dance with Melissa Rycroft (Did you do it? It wasn’t me!) to that romantic American standard, "Rock And Roll All Nite" by KISS. Really, America? Really? This week, we can log on the ABC’s website and vote on their costumes. I hope there’s a field where I can write-in my vote for Godzilla outfits…
Speaking of Melissa, there she is! Isn’t she cute? We are treated to a taped segment where Melissa takes us through the process of being an audience member for the live show. The highlight comes when she flunks the entrance exam. But isn’t she cute?
The penalty for carrying a recording device into the show: Behanding.
After that calorie-free delight, it’s back to business, as the usual suspects return to the line-up, hoping that America provided them an escape from the dreaded Kaiser Soze. The next safe couples are Evan & Anna (no surprise), followed by Chad & Cheryl (surprise!). Oh, man, they are going to torture Pam Anderson again! It’s down to her & Damien, Kate & Tony, Buzz & Ashly, and Jake & Chelsie.
Tom throws the show over to Brooke in the Star Tank, where she interviews more survivors. Nicole promises that she and Derek will repent for breaking the Len Commandments this week. Derek defends his outlaw choreography, saying the music made him do it. He must be great in bed…wait, was that out loud? Moving on, Evan gives his usual “pro athlete” answer to Brooke’s question, stating that the dances are a real challenge, but they’re really going to put the ball in play next quarter. Brooke asks fellow athlete Chad if he and Cheryl are going to “bring the love to the dance floor” with their rumba next week. He does her one better by stating that they will be making love on the dance floor. Cheryl breaks into her mock-shocked face for the 34th time this season, while fighting the impulse to run for the nearest exit.
For the final time-killer of the hour, a montage is presented of the cast in rehearsal, getting along like a close-knit family: we see them supporting each other, joking around, texting, snacking, and lots of other warm, friendly things as mandated by their contracts. We are not convinced…
Finally, the moment of truth arrives. I am relieved to know that I will continue to be watching this season, as Pam & Damien are pronounced safe. After a final batch of commercials, Tom informs us that the first couple in the bottom two are Buzz & Ashly (no surprise). However, the second couple are…Jake & Chelsie! Jake is crushed, devastated, and suddenly wondering if he isn’t the most popular Bachelor any more.
Realizing she is safe, Kate looks as shocked as we are, and pretends to faint in Tony’s arms. He decides at the last possible moment to catch her. Thankfully the spotlight goes out on them and we are left with the final two couples. Tom quietly announces that Buzz & Ashly are going home, but not without a ton of applause, thanks and praise from everyone with a microphone, and a montage of Buzz & Ashly’s time on the show. Good job, sir.
Two ways a man can act in the face of defeat.
Next week, we find out whether or not it’s possible to defeat a Mombeast. If only the Scooby gang were still around…
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