Hello dear readers, tis I, iguanachocolate, here to bring you the much ballyhooed finale of Dancing With The Stars. Happy as I am to have reached the end of the season of the dancing almost stars and
people taken at random off the streetMelissa, I am sad that so many people will be out of a job. I mean, what are the poor workers to do now that the demand for body glitter and sequins is no longer there? Thousands will be out of work and factories closed down. And I am not even talking about the one person who had the job of bedazzling Melissa’s tramp stamp every week. I shudder to think of the next round of unemployment numbers.
However, I will persevere and bring you all the happenings of tonight’s gala and the awarding of the prized Mirrorball Trophy. If you missed last night’s performance show, please read the fantabulous MsFroggy's recap of the event here.
The night begins with a performance of Lady GaGa singing ‘Just Dance’. She is well, Lady Gaga, and frankly that is enough said about her. I am not particularly fond of her singing, but she was very cute last week when on ‘Ellen’ and she was just gushing with fangirly charm over Ellen herself. Adorable.
After the performance art we begin the inevitable dance down memory lane by parading all the Ballet Met performer wannabe’s in front of the audience and judges one last time. In short order, we see Belinda Carlisle and Jonathan, Denise Richards and Maksim, and Holly Madison and Dmitry. They all get a quickie group interview with Tom and Samantha then all troupe backstage to receive their final checks and their time on our screen is done. 3 down, and too many more to go.
We get a montage of Steve Wozniak moments which warms my heart. He’s adorable for a geek. Then we get to see Woz and Karina perform their nerdy quickstep and during their interview Samantha and Tom implore Steve to do the worm again and after Katina dares him, he does flop to the floor in a half hearted worm. David Alan Grier and Kym dance next, followed by Steve-O and Lacey. In his interview, David tongue in cheek raves about the judges and how they are just so special.
And now, to the Pro Competition: Mayo and Anna wait breathlessly to see who will be pimped with a star next season and who will slink back into obscurity. Will it be a condiment or my girlfriend? I am all a tither. Yes! It’s Anna who has won the coveted spot and she claims it has been her lifelong dream to dance on the show. Oh my, sad life, dear. Oh well, she is happy so therefore I am happy. She and Maksim reprise their two step again and it is heaven. Ok, she is heaven. Please, dancing gods, give her a good partner next year so that she will grace my screen for the entire season.
All right, I simply cannot let another moment go by without commenting on Samantha’s dress. Anyone else see those curtains on sale at Walmart? And whoever her seamstress obviously had no idea how tall she is because her dress ‘puddled’ on the floor just like all the designers do with drapes for dramatic effect. Puddled drapes = dramatic. Puddled dress = stupid.
Lawrence Taylor is back from the gold course to fulfill his contractual obligation and get some more money for greens fees. They dance and then participate in a conversation rife with sexual innuendo that just seems a bit off for prime time tv – then again I never ‘get’ the wacky hetero sense of humor. Maybe I am just a prude. I did think at one point though, that Edyta was upset because LT maybe be impinging on her lap dance business – rude, Mr. Football, if you are – get your own corner!
Chuck Wicks and Julianne are back sambaing in their jammies again. During their post dance interview, Chuck claims to have a new respect for satin, glitter and thongs. Hey, what you do in your private time is your own thing, Chuck – but I wouldn’t be saying glitter to loudly around your cowboy pals.
Ok, having not seen last season, I have no idea who this Jeffrey Ross is, but apparently it is ABC’s attempt to get in on NBC’s Las Comic Standing crowd and bring them over to the sequined side. He some funny lines, I have to admit – “Bergeron is an old French word. It means Seacrest” hehehe. Carrie Ann, Len and Bruno are “smokin’ croakin’ and flamin’” Hehehehehe. “The show is called Dancing With the Vaguely Familiar.” Hehehehe. And finally, to the final three, “the underage, the unwed, and the unpronounceable.” Hehehehehehehe. He makes jokes about Woz’s weight, Gilles nakedness in that one movie and the fact that Shawn would be too short to ride any of the rides at Disneyland.
After the brief comedic interlude, Lil Kim and Derek recreate their Jailhouse Rock jive, which is as adorable as it was the first time. Ah, Lil Kim, you should have been in the final. Miss you my little prison junkie! Ty Murray and Chelsie do their Lindy Hop which while still fun has not gained any ground by not having been done for a few weeks.
Finally we are to the last performances of the final three. Shawn and Mark are up first. They redo their cha cha cha and it is better than the first time. Less gymnasticy (<--actual made up word) and a bit more dancey (<-- another authentically made up word) , though still heavy on the tricks. And yes, the judges loved it yada yada yada – they receive all tens. With their score from last night, they are at 88 points.
Melissa and Tony dance their samba and it looks like it did the first time – a famewhore earning her Friday night drinking money. However, the judges loved it and Carrie Ann called her a ‘muse of dance’ which means Carrie Ann needs to stay away from Paula’s cup. Anyway, they receive all tens as well, and with their scores from last night, they are at 86.
Gilles and Cheryl reprise their Argentinean Tango. Loved it the first time, loved it the second time. These two are just a good partnership. The judges loved it, yada yada yada. And oh my god, I just can’t believe it, what are the odds, someone pick me up off the floor, they earned three tens and together with their score from last night they are tied with Shawn and Mark with 88.
While they tabulate all the scores – seriously they need to tabulate the scores? – Lady Gaga comes out and performs another one of her songs, ‘Love Game'.
When that is over, I finally get to hear those magic words: Melissa get of the stage you are eliminated never to be seen on a reality program again, you are banned from all forms of entertainment until the end of time. I may have paraphrased it. But, the important thing is she didn’t win.
That leaves Gilles and Shawn to wonder and when we get back from commercial break the winner is finally announced:
Shawn wins the coveted Mirrorball Trophy! Good on ya, Shawn. I bet it is going on the mantle right next to those Olympic gold medals, right?
And that is all, folks. The season is wrapped and the glitter has been cleaned up. The stars put back into their boxes until next year. On behalf of MsFroggy, MFWalkoff and myself, we bid you adieu and thanks for reading!