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Thread: DWTS 5/1 Results Show Recap: Hop-along, Little J-Rat

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    DWTS 5/1 Results Show Recap: Hop-along, Little J-Rat

    Well now we’re getting down to it people. With any luck in a few weeks, only the top dancers will remain on Dancing With the Stars and the competition will really get started. Sorry John and Billy Ray, but that means you have to go. I’m not fussy about who gets the boot first, just as long as one of them goes tonight. With the way the scoreboard looked at the end of last night’s dance marathon, I don’t think I’ll be disappointed.

    Last night’s episode, much to the horror of my friend, MsFroggy, was even longer. Each couple performed both a ballroom and a Latin number, which Tom claims meant twice the excitement. Even though the judges continued on with their demanding ways, two couples – Laila and Maks and Joey and Kym - got perfect scores of 30. Unfortunately for Apolo fans, he and Julianne hit a bit of a snag. Fortunately for Ian, he finally managed to break through and show a little personality. John seemed to answer questions about whether he could deliver two dances in one week when he managed to impress the judges with his rumba and his foxtrot. Billy Ray actually exceeded expectations with his samba and his unconventional waltz. Really, if Billy Ray manages to not clothesline Karina with those Frankenstein arms of his, he exceeds my expectations.

    We saw two perfect routines last night. Who gets tonight’s encore? It was such a tough call that Len decided to flip a coin. The winners were Maks and Laila, who perform their samba again. Like MsFroggy, I am mesmerized my Maks', er…. shirt.

    Here’s Meatloaf. I’m Becoming a Vegan
    Much to my horror, tonight’s musical guest is Meatloaf. No, the theme of tonight’s show is not comfort food. It’s more like “aging rock stars who don’t want to have to work a construction job to pay the bills.” I wonder who canceled at the last minute. This couldn’t have been their first choice. What a let down from Joss Stone last week. Meatloaf must be trying to pimp a new greatest hits album. He performs “Bat Out of Hell” while three couples – Brian and Kym, Cheryl and Louis and Alek and Elena – perform five different dance styles. Even with the bizarre music choice – although Hell, they’re all used to it, being on this show – the dancers all look fantastic.

    I can’t help thinking that these dances aren’t such a good thing. They remind us how very far our celebs are from being actual ballroom dancers. It's like how I fool myself eating light ice cream and trying to tell myself it's just like the real thing. Then I accidentally buy real ice cream and realize how crappy the light stuff really is. Random observations: Cheryl is very bendy, Brian still looks like Chucky and Alek needs to cut down on the hair product – his ‘do is looking bullet proof. Meatloaf = not aging well.

    Shiny-Shirted Sports Commentating, Part I
    Backstage, Samantha has a little confab with Ian and Joey. Ian scored all nines last night. What will it take for him to break through and start scoring 10’s? Ian vows to stop drinking beers during the commercial breaks and really get serious. Joey got five 10’s last night. Has he been holding back up until now? Nope, he’s just trying to raise the bar and take the competition seriously. Cue the mock snarkiness between Ian and Joey and the obligatory NSync joke. Moving on.

    Just in case you haven’t blotted Kenny Mayne’s stint on this show last season from your memory, he’s back to remind you all about it. As if there isn’t enough filler on these results shows. Here comes a little thing called Dance Center. Joining him are season 2 runner-up Jerry Rice and perennial sourpuss, Len Goodman. Kenny and Jerry are decked out in their shiny shirts, complete with rhinestones. Fancy. What follows is a Sport Center-style analysis of our celebs.

    First up is a video break-down of Ian’s hip action and his little footwork errors, which they circle on the screen as if analyzing a play. Laila, who Kenny calls the female Emmitt Smith (much to Jerry’s chagrin) is deemed a fierce competitor. Len still feels that Laila needs to be challenged by her choreography. Kenny moves on to Joey, saying that he’s lost at least 75 pounds during the competition. Jerry says that interaction with the audience is key, while Len praises Joey as technically sound and a great performer. His big problem? The butt. Cue the freeze-frame shot of Joey’s derriere being slowly circled on the monitor. See, it’s big, so it takes a long time to draw a circle around it. Har. That does it for part 1 of Dance Center. Part 2 is coming later in the show. I can hardly wait.

    Seventies Flashback
    It’s time for two couples to learn their fates. Safe this week are Laila and Maks (yay!). The first couple to be bathed in the dreaded red light this week are John and Edyta.

    With that little piece of business out of the way, it’s time for us to watch a bunch of baby ballroom dancers who will, no doubt, annoy the snot out of me. It’ll be just like those 7-year olds at the ice skating rink who make me feel like a giraffe on figure skates. Usually, I suppress the urge to trip them. Usually. I’m sure tonight will be no different.

    Our dancers range from 9 to what seem to be teenagers. We start out with the youngest couple and work our way up. They all dance to “Boogie Shoes.” Yes, the one by K.C. and the Sunshine Band. Now why couldn’t they have gotten him on the show instead of Meatloaf? I’m sure K.C.’s schedule is wide open. As far as our junior ballroom dancers go, they’re pretty good, although I’m sure those boys gets the crap beaten out of them like 5 days a week.

    Samantha is backstage with the couples who are still waiting to hear their fates. None of them have ever been in the bottom two. Billy Ray, who is clearly a realist, knows he’s destined for the bottom two; he even told John he’d see him a little bit.

    The Part Where I Actually Cry. Over Me.
    Next up is part 2 of Dance Center and the guys are starting with the two ”challenged” celebs in the competition. First is John, aka “J-Rat,” who Kenny says is lovable in spite of the fact that he has no skills and is 70 or 80-years old. John does have some physical challenges, but Len reminds us that success comes in cans not in can’ts. Like John, Billy Ray has no talent, but he makes up for it with effort. Apolo may be the fave but, because he’s technically superb, he won’t be getting any charity votes thrown his way. What about the facial hair? Len says that no one ever won a ballroom competition with facial hair. That little bit of info probably sent the odds-makers scrambling.

    As if once wasn’t enough, here’s Meatloaf again. He’s going to perform the first single off his new album. The song is called “Cry Over Me.” I am. The nine-time champion ballroom dancers of something or other (and whose names I’m too lazy to rewind the video to hear) will be performing. You know, I really want to recap this for you, but I just can't bear it. The dancers are lovely, but the song is just more of the clichéd rock ballad stuff we expect from Meatloaf. Whoever is booking the musical guests made a serious error this week. Even Meatloaf doesn't look all that happy

    The Nipples I Never Wanted to See
    Next week, couples again will be performing a ballroom dance and a Latin dance. Here to school us in the Cha Cha are Jimmy and Guillermo. Guillermo has really turned the heat up this week in a hot pink and chartreuse two piece number. Jimmy claims he has been so excited about the Cha Cha that he had a dream about it. He was surrounded by beautiful women, all cooing “Cha, cha, cha.” – we see Kym, Cheryl and Elena all floating around his head. Oddly enough, Guillermo also have a sexy dream like that, only it was in Spanish and he was surrounded by beautiful men. Cut to John, Ian and Jerry Springer all saying “Cha, cha, cha” as they circle Guillermo’s sleeping head. What do these dreams mean? Too much tequila. The segment takes a horrible wrong turn as we see Jimmy and Guillermo in bed together with a shirtless Tom. Seriously. That was not necessary.

    Before the lame-o audience response segment, we learn that Apolo and Julianne are safe. In the audience tonight with their opinions are Jennie Garth (who looks fabulous) and Tori Spelling (who….no comment), both rooting for Ian and Cheech Marin, who seems to be rooting for John. Moving on.

    Every Time You Hop Away
    It’s finally time for the results. Safe this week are Ian and Cheryl and Joey and Kym. That leaves Billy Ray and Elena in the bottom two with John. Billy Ray is clearly unsurprised as he calls out “Understandably so!” He can’t dance for crap, but he’s a good egg.

    Looks like that egg will be around another week: John and Edyta are out this week. Billy Ray might be more charming, but I can hardly bear to watch him any more. Billy Ray looks both crushed at the thought of another week of this torture and guilty, because he knows it should have been him packing his bags.

    John and Edyta get a standing ovation. John says he was so excited to have been a part of the show. He thanks everyone involved and praises Edyta. Edyta says she really learned a lot from John and his work ethic and sense of humor. Elena could take a lesson. John and Edyta dance their way out to – no lie – the Bunny Hop. To the tune of “Every Time You Go Away,” the entire cast Bunny Hops their way across the stage.
    Anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that 'my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge.' - Isaac Asimov

    I was thinking of the immortal words of Socrates, who said, "... I drank what?"

  2. #2
    Peace MsFroggy's Avatar
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    Re: DWTS 5/1 Results Show Recap: Hop-along, Little J-Rat

    Thanks for a really funny recap Critical!
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    Re: DWTS 5/1 Results Show Recap: Hop-along, Little J-Rat

    Quote Originally Posted by Critical;2368963;
    Much to my horror, tonight’s musical guest is Meatloaf. No, the theme of tonight’s show is not comfort food. It’s more like “aging rock stars who don’t want to have to work a construction job to pay the bills.” I wonder who canceled at the last minute. This couldn’t have been their first choice. What a let down from Joss Stone last week.
    Agreed. It was almost as scary as when he showed up on AI last year. Great recap, Critical!

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    Re: DWTS 5/1 Results Show Recap: Hop-along, Little J-Rat

    I'm so glad Billy Ray Cyrus is still in it. He's an entertaining dancer.

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    Who Dat lildago's Avatar
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    Re: DWTS 5/1 Results Show Recap: Hop-along, Little J-Rat

    Fantastic recap, Critical!
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    Just Forting Around roseskid's Avatar
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    Re: DWTS 5/1 Results Show Recap: Hop-along, Little J-Rat

    I haven't been able to catch many of the shows this season, but with your snarkalicious recapping, I'm decidedly better off especially with Billy Ray still stomping around. Some of my favorite lines:

    Quote Originally Posted by Critical
    Really, if Billy Ray manages to not clothesline Karina with those Frankenstein arms of his, he exceeds my expectations.

    It’s more like “aging rock stars who don’t want to have to work a construction job to pay the bills.” I wonder who canceled at the last minute. This couldn’t have been their first choice.

    I’m sure K.C.’s schedule is wide open. As far as our junior ballroom dancers go, they’re pretty good, although I’m sure those boys gets the crap beaten out of them like 5 days a week.

    The song is called “Cry Over Me.” I am.

    ...Tori Spelling (who….no comment)...
    Love The Bachelor? Catch the recap for this season's sacrificial lamb lucky guy here in Episode 1, Episode 2, Episode 3, Episode 4, Episode 5, Episode 6 and Episode 7.

  7. #7
    From the corner of my eye Jewelsy's Avatar
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    Re: DWTS 5/1 Results Show Recap: Hop-along, Little J-Rat

    Great recap, Critical.
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