It wasn’t so very long ago we met here, awed by the spectacle, dazzled by the delights – of ballroom dance, of course - and its biweekly slights. But let’s hurry along and listen, as results are up tonight and we need to find out who’s staying in this three ring circus. Some will draw gasps from the crowd as they ascend the sequined heights – and two Sad Losers will be going home stepping on empty peanut shells, trailing along behind the dancing poodles. Magic Mirror Ball, let’s begin! Tomberger hurls like a carnival barker: “Last night, raw emotion filled the ballroom. Romance! Rage! Tears! Our stars bared their souls to America.” That’s strange, I had my channel tuned to ABC. Which channel was he watching?
Tomantha announce that Nick Lachey (brother of last season’s DWTS winner) and Los Lonely Boys (did Emmitt bring them back from Texas? What about Peter the Bull – did he ride in Cargo?) will appear on today’s show. The audience – the audience stands up and Sambas, then orders pizza pie! No, the audience cheers. We see clips of last night’s Swiffer session with Monique and Louis. We hear Mo confess, “When I slid across that floor – I just - I don’t know, something happened, that was just…it was just incredible, you know? I wanted to be able to share that moment.” A splinter?
We see a brief clip of Jerkym’s Waltz, which really was sweet and sentimental; and Jerry tells the camera, “You tell your daughter you love her in front of 30 million people. She didn’t need that, because she hears it from me every single day.” He continues, “I’ll make a fool of myself on the air. There is nothing that I won’t do for you.” Is he talking to his daughter or to Nielsen families? Joeyta’s clip is next, complete with a more modest camera angle, and Tom sets a Guinness record for superlatives. Joey & Edyta gush into the camera. They’re thrilled with their performance.
Then, a montage of the various Bulls and Doblers, or Paso Doble pairs. Emmitt felt “intense, strong, in command, in control” – but I can’t help seeing him as a cuddly wuddly teddy bear. I can practically see him crawling all over the Downy softener commercial. Seeing the clips from Vivica’s dance last night, strung together in close-up, it’s even more apparent that she was way too strident in her dance movements. She was all She-Ra on the dance floor, and I think she forgot who the bullfighter was supposed to be in the pair. Ballroom dance is pretty traditional about its gender roles… And this may cost her. I don’t want to imply she wasn’t feminine enough for ballroom dance. But if this gig doesn’t work out - with her toned, muscular physique? Her sexual tigress presence on a stage? She can always star in the remake of Stay Hungry – in Arnold Schwarzenegger’s role.
Sara & Tony (Sa-rony?) are being dinged by Tom for their “passive Paso”. Sara again blames her dress – she kept catching her heel on the front hem. That’s why she’s supposed to point her toe, but oh well. Mario and Karina’s performance is widely praised again, and Mario confesses that when he saw the high scores, he wanted to “bust out the Cabbage Patch”. Aww, who knew - Cabbage Patch? How cute. The round face, the deep dimples, the button-big eyes – I knew Mario looked familiar!
Willa & Maksim are deemed the “Comeback Kids” and we see a review of their 28 score. Confessional video: Maks praises Willa’s glamorous new look. Willa gives him the credit, saying he dusted it all off. “Or maybe put clothes ON” Maks corrects. Willa isn’t sure. Maks, I agree with you. She looks so much better with her navel hidden.
Now the list is shown, and the judges’ scores rank the dancers thus: Mario & Karina = 29; Willa & Maksim = 28; Joey & Edyta = 27; Monique & Louis = 24; Emmitt & Cheryl = 24; Vivica & Nick = 24; Jerry & Kym = 22; Sara & Tony = 20. I really wish the show would list the audience votes in the same way; it would make the importance of each score more apparent.
The judges’ choice for this week’s spotlight dance is as Len put it, “Willa the Thrilla, Marverlous Maks, with their Wonderful Waltz”. That’s good Awitteawation, Len. And may I mention: you have good taste?
I feel sorry for the singer. So many nights, she’s sat by her window. She seems to be singing right to Maksim. The brute ignores her. She’s only waiting for someone to sing her his song. So many dreams… (is the site gonna have to pay royalty for this? No? Okay…) she’s kept deep inside her. Alone in the dark. And now he’s come along. And Maks… lights up my life…
Oh, sorry, I got distracted there. Yep. Dancing. Show. Recap. What? Oh yes. Back to the Recap. Heh. Maks and Willa are Waltzing. He is twirling her around, and she’s floating gracefully in her very stunning snow-white gown against her California spray Tan skin. Her hairdo is a gorgeous compliment to her gown, which although backless, manages to remain tasteful. Then Maks the Pirate swung into the room and… I mean, Maks and Willa continue dancing around the stage. Yep.
And the song continues – “You light up my days, and fill my nights with song”. Maks and Willa manage each aspect of the Waltz with assurance. Willa really does have a classic type of beauty she should showcase more often in such a style. I understand, she needs to rock out sometimes, but this is ballroom and she should work it.
And then Maks the Lumberjack ambled into the room with a large cheese log. Pardon me Ma’am, he said… Oh, sorry.
The Waltz ends, and Willa rests her head upon Maks’ barrel of a chest, and grins like she just won free hair extensions for life. Who wouldn’t? I’m just saying.
Back from the commercial, (but who noticed – I was lost in thought) Los Lonely Boys take the stage for a live performance. No lip synching for this band. The 2005 Grammy winners bust out with “My Way” – while several women in matching red dresses line up behind them – “Deal? Or no deal?”. Deal, I guess, because the women begin dancing – a bit out of sync with each other, but hey, it’s not like this is a dancing show or anything. Lonely Boys aren’t bad, but I’m wondering why the show chooses some of the acts it chooses, and who it sees as its demographic? They have a sort of bar-band sound that they themselves dub “Texican” music.
Samantha talks to some of the dancing pairs backstage now. She tells Jerry & Kym next week they either have to do “the dance of love, which is a Rumba, or the dance of the Rio Carnivale, which is a Samba”. She asks Jerry which he prefers to shake his hips to. Jerry quips “At my age, we don’t shake hips, we replace them”. Samantha rewards him with the dustiest laugh since the Crypt Keeper met Bobcat Goldthwait. Emmitt next tells Sam that he had to “conjure up some negative energy” to give his Paso Doble the emotion it needed. So that’s why he’s so tired from travel. He took a detour to see if he couldn’t locate a boojee woman. You’re still not scary, Em. Anyway, I have a feeling Vivica has some shrunken heads she can lend you.
Speak of the devil woman! No, Vivi, you know I keed! Don’t look at me that way – Harry, throw me that shiny shield! Phew, close one. Now we see
The Gorgon’s Headaudience reaction clips taken from last night’s show. “Mario’s butt” has a few fans, and one guy keeps popping up wanting Len’s job apparently. He really makes with the alliteration praising different dancers. (Naw, I didn’t just do it myself – it has to be three consonants in a row to be truly obnoxious.) I have no idea who he is – who are you, Mr. Neatly Trimmed Van Dyke Guy? But I do recognize Lela Rochon and Shannon Elisabeth, who voice support for Vivica Fox and well, no one – Shannon didn’t really say anything in particular. Waksim and Jerkym also had their fans – with both dances garnering lots of praise for grace. Announcements are in: “In no particular order” (and why not?) Mario & Karina and Jerry & Kym are voted in for sure. Wow, a quick shot of Nick’s face? He looks sad and doomed. Poor guy.
The second performance of the night will be: The DelGrosso Sisters. Ashly from Team Hashly is one among them; her sisters’ names also all begin with A. Well, her parents were new to the country, right? Maybe they were still learning the alphabet. I’m not a fan of their dance number; it’s strange and flat-footed. They’re wearing flesh-color ballet slippers that make them look barefoot. I wonder if they learned this dance at home? Six sisters, one bathroom… I’m thinking there was a lot of dancing in that hallway. I want to like them – they seem like sweet young ladies – but they’re just not dancing ‘together’ at all. And the steps are supposed to match, I checked. They’re wearing dresses that look made from sunset tablecloths at some Florida cafeteria. We get a Chyron printout of their first names at the bottom: Abrea! Averie! Afton! …Autumn! Amber! (Did anyone in their family frequent strip clubs? I’m just wondering out loud) …and lastly, Ashly. Harry and Lisa Hamlin-Rinna/Rinna-Hamlin are in the audience tonight to support Ashly’s segment though, which is kind.
Backstage, Mario hits on Karina openly and without shame… oh, I mean praises her teaching skills. Winky, wink. Jerry quips he’s often mistaken for Mario in public. Nick Lachey will be up soon but first… let’s check in with SlimFast Challenge
torture victimwinner Tysonia shall we?
Tysonia and her
taskmasterteacher Christian are in the dance studio rehearsing for a Samba performance. Christian tells Tysonia that she, a dress size 12, must fit into a size 8 dress “by Friday”. Yes, that’s a healthy weight loss technique to teach home viewers. Christian proffers a slinky size 8 and keeps it just out of reach as Tysonia keeps stepping toward it. C, just because the dress is carrot-colored doesn’t mean you can dangle it in front of her nose. Soon, Tysonia is humiliating herselfdancing the Samba in that dress, which has a suspiciously large panel of black cloth added to the front. Even one dress size in a few days’ time would’ve been unhealthy anyway, Christian. Slim Fast, but not THAT fast.
Back in the ABC live studio, Drew Lachey watches from the audience as his brother Nick (who garners a loud female cheer from the live audience) sings. While Nick sings “I Can’t Hate You Any More” (gee, I wonder who that song’s about?) US and World Rhythm Champions Nick Davelani and Elena Grinenko will dance. The segment begins with a closeup on Elena’s lower arm which is bedecked and bedazzled with bracelets (sorry Len) that look like miniature collars left over from Project Runway’s (another network, I know) dog challenge. When the camera zooms out it’s obvious why the shot focused there. Apparently the costume budget is nil – we’ve already seen some strange stuff onstage but Elena’s costume seems made of fabric trim and handkerchiefs. No really, it looks as if she is wearing a shiny bikini, and someone ripped a bedsheet into strips and layered those over it at an angle. She’s mostly dancing in a bikini. It’s a really strange get-up but I’m sure the men in the audience won’t mind.
Nick is singing about a love story gone very wrong – Odd how heartbreak can be turned into entertainment. Elena and Tony dance well, of course. Elena’s rhythm is impeccable; she is going by some inner metronome. Her movements are smooth and precise. Most impressive is the way she blends one move into another, even steps that are not alike. Unlike some of the actors who are dancing, she isn’t dancing to the audience, to their approval. Nick is a solid partner for her, in a plain white shirt, black pant costume.
The next segment is a series of dance, interview and backstage clips designed to let us know what it’s like to be part of the show. We hear words like “it’s crazy”, “there’s cliques”, and talk and footage of the cast in the wardrobe and makeup departments at ABC. Sara says the hair and makeup are “over the top”. Jerry remarks on the wide use of spandex. We see the men preening in front of mirrors and someone remarks against Maksim’s use of a very low V neck shirt. Oh, spoilsport. Jerry says in regard to someone’s claim the men are more vain than the women, “You could get hurt if you’re in the way of a mirror”. We see Maks primping in front of a mirror, using a small hand mirror as well. Willa says “My favorite is when Maks gets his body makeup and…” “takes his shirt off”… and… Wait, Maks is in the makeup trailer now, a makeup brush glancing across his adam’s apple. He stands up and reaches for his collar. It’s time for his California Tan. And Maks……Maks……..
………………………… off ……………………………………………………………………………… ………………………….
Sorry, I fell off my chair. Maks! With his shirt completely off. Apparently he walks around the ABC Studio Lot, all day, that way. (And now no one reads the end of this Recap, all the women just went to Mapquest.) What, is someone else talking on my Tv screen?
Oh, ohhkayy. Monique says she’s among those who got ‘sucked in’ to using California Tan, and she laughs because “I’m a black girl!”. Back on the live show, Tom Bergeron jokes that he “gets Pasty White Guy” sprayed on himself. Thanks, Tom. That was the mental sherbet course I needed to concentrate on this recap again. Anyway – back to business – who will be the next couples to stay? Willa and Maks. (ABC is no fool – would they waste that shirtless footage if he wasn’t?) Cheryl and Emmitt will also dance again Tuesday. Peter the Bull put in a good word for them – right before Ruby’s Rib Shack called.
Keeping the fine tradition of pimp-strolling its other Tv stars, ABC has nailed Prince Lorenzo Borghese to a chair in the audience. Tom B introduces him “as royalty”. And well, he is, right? But what’s he doing on reality Tv? Property taxes must be sky high for aristocrats. Prince L looks positively thrilled to be there. If by thrilled you mean the look someone gives just before gum surgery.
ABC, there’s this little thing called TV ads for your shows. You ought to look into it – maybe if you think real hard, you’ll figure out a way to get in touch with a network.
Now, filling more time in the show, we’re subjected to a video segment – yes, another one. The 3 judges assess the strengths of each dance team. Does it really matter? Bla, bla. The highlight for me was when Mario hit on Karina in the dance studio, but then blamed it on his distraction “because your outfit was all cute and everything”. Complete with wrist flourish. Innnteresting. Maks and Willa enact their own private soap opera in the rehearsal studio. I’m unsure if it’s really their codependent work dynamic or an improv audition for The Bold and the Beautiful. Hmm, actually they’d both be good on that show. It’s all about fashion, and the reasons people remove it. They’ve both shown a tendency to get rid of pesky fabrics, so it could work. But for now, let’s count down to tonight’s Losers.
The four couples in danger tonight are: Monique and Louis; Joey and Edyta; Sara and Tony; and Vivica and Nick. Joey and Edyta are moving on to next week; so are Sara and Tony. Tony lets out a shocked expletive which is bleeped but easily lip-read. Vivi & Nick, despite their precarious position, can’t help but giggle at this. Back from a quick ad break, Monouis and Nickica remain on stage. One of these dance teams will go home tonight and – here’s the difference – not come back on Tuesday. Vivica and Nick are the unlucky couple. Monique hugs her (mentor?) castmate Vivica and begins crying. Viv handles her exit with professional aplomb. Nick looks sad. He really never had a chance, in my opinion – for a lot of reasons not his fault. Vivica gives a show-bizzy speech about wishing everyone the best and what a wonderful time she had. She’s talking a bit much though, and neither Host Tom or Dance Partner Nick (remember him?) can get a word in edgewise. “Drop it like it’s hot!” Vivica keeps advising the teams who are still IN. “Drop it like it’s hot!”. No, I think that’s what the producers just did to Team Nickica. Oh well. Time for their Final Dance.
Now this is where the producers have gotten cruel – last week, with the grief clearly etched on both Harry and Ashly’s faces at their being voted off, the show chose to serenade their final dance with a plaintive wail “Alll Byyy Myyysellfff… Don’t wanna live…”. Tonight’s Final Dance song lyric goes – “Take a look at me now, there’s just an empty space…” SUBTLE, ABC.
And I have to say… as the camera pans past her former castmates… there isn’t a wet eye in the house.
And that’s all for this week! I hear the strains of music – the Samba and the Rumba are being practised in some dance studio somewhere in L.A. Waksim are arguing tempestuously (oh you mad Russian!) and Emmitt is picking the last of Peter the Great from his back teeth. Jerry is haggling with wedding vendors in between rehearsals; Sara is crying every time someone says “Hey, Break a Leg!”. Joey is busy paying off San Fernando Valley window decorators; Monique is memorizing every one of Vivica’s films. Mario is hitting on himself, And AJane is suiting up to write her Recaps. It should be a lively week! Be sure to tune in – same thread, same forum. See ya!
I'll be training to be a makeup artist - but you can email me at: Brandy@realitytv.com