Another week, another DANCING WITH THE STARS results show. Ah, but it’s not just any results show, it’s the semi-final results show, which will determine which three couples go on to compete for the ultimate in celebrity dance competition prizes! Sound exciting? Theoretically yes, but throw in a soporific, sophomoric crooner, an unexpected upset, and vestigial resentment over having to sit through so much worthless, recappy filler on a frackin’ Friday night, and the scales start to tip to the side of Oh God, just end already!!!
The show begins by refreshing our memories about what happened the night before, and over the course of the past season, and then reminding us again, and then, as if we were Memento’s Leonard Shelby, reminding us again and again until we feel like we are in some horrible loop of time from which there is no escape.
What you need to know: this week the contestants needed to learn two dances, and last night was chock full o’ tension, such as the Carrie Ann giving Stacy grief for her “Angry Face” (more on this later) and Drew giving Len grief over the curmudgeonly judge’s, ahem, potency (by suggesting Len take Viagra when he doesn’t get the “passion” in Drew & Cheryl’s rumba).
The scoreboard had stars Stacy and Drew tied for the top spot. Lisa, however, was only two points below the winners. Jerry hopes to get an A for effort from the American voting public, because according to the judges’ scores, he sucks huge Donkey Kong. Oh America, you tricky little monkey, what will you do?
Total Eclipse of Len’s Private Part
Time for the judge’s encore, this week performed by Drew & Cheryl. They dedicate their dance to Len, and yes, it’s the dance that had Drew questioning whether Len had erectile dysfunction. Shame on Drew for making anyone, even fleetingly, consider anything to do with Len Goodman’s penis.
At any rate, they proceed with their passionate rumba—not to be confused with Roomba™ the creepy robot vacuum, although the wonderful way they sweep across the dance floor has me thinking these two must have certainly cleaned up in the vote department.
The vocalist’s off-key warbling of the supremely cheesy power ballad “Total Eclipse of the Heart” is slightly distracting but still doesn’t prevent me from appreciating the drama of Drew & Cheryl’s dance! I’m finding myself liking Cheryl Burke a lot, and starting to enjoy Drew though I still have no idea what else this guy has done.
At the conclusion of their sexy rumba, Drew & Cheryl get a standing ovation from Len himself. Whether or not “Little Len” is able to stand up for his own ovation is still up for grabs. Ew, poor choice of words there.
Time to talk to the rejects, but not after a look back (again!) to their dances from the other night. They start off with Stacy & Tony’s quick step and cha cha (only vacuous brunette co-host chick adds a third “cha” for no reason other than…to fill more time on this already bloated results show?). I can’t believe they danced to a Phil Collins song for the fox trot! I am filled with a sudden, murderous dementia, like Patrick Bateman. Then of course, we are treated to Stacy’s notorious “Angry Face” during their cha cha to “Since You Been Gone.” Vacuous brunette co-host chick tries her best to make a funny, ad libbing that the clip probably has lots of guys in America wanting to “make [Stacy] mad.” [insert canned laughter] No, honey, I think most of these guys would rather see her “Oh Face” than her “Angry Face” (and if you don’t get that, go see Office Space—in fact, if you haven’t seen it, I command you to, it’s one of the funniest workplace comedies ever made).
Next up, they show Lisa & Louis doing their dances. Finally, something to distract me from Lisa’s preternaturally puffy puss—I don’t understand the dangling white banner of fabric hanging from the crotch of Lisa’s cha cha costume.
Finally, we see clips of Jerry stomping stiffly around like Frankenstein with a cricket bat up his butt. Sorry, if you take away how nice he is or how far he’s come blah blah, this guy dances like he has rheumatoid arthritis.
After this barrage of dance clips, I wonder…Was lame, easy-listening music this week’s theme? Oh I’m sorry, that’s every week’s theme. Even if a song is half-way decent, the band (or, more specifically, the singers) manage to make me feel like I’m in a skuzzy bar waaay off the Vegas Strip. Only thing is, I’m not drunk. Oh how I wish I was.
May I take this moment to mention I can’t stand Michael Bublé? If I want to listen to some old-fashioned crooning, I will listen to Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, or the “Velvet Fog” himself, Mel Tormé. Or if I want a younger stud to serenade me with the standards, I’ll listen to Harry Connick Jr. who is at least cuter than this pasty, puffball who looks like he ate too much salt and is now retaining a whole lot of water. I apologize to any Bublé fans, but I just don’t get what makes this guy any better than your average lounge singer playing, well, in the same off-the-strip bar I mentioned earlier. And what makes it worse to me is that he brings nothing new to the crooner style, making him seem like an out-of-place throwback.
So the Bublé works his sleep-inducing magic on me to the tune of ”Moondance” while pros Nick Kosovich & Andrea Hale come out to dance. At one point, Bublé, walks onto the dance floor and for a moment I’m worried—no, I’m hoping—the dancers will crash into him. The number ends with Bublé, Kosovich & Hale in a stupid threeway pose, as if they are trying to be the Charlie’s Angels of ballroom dancing.
Judges Bitchin’ & Fillin’ Time
The judges share their thoughts on the dancers and the very different characters they bring to the competition. Bruno calls it a “Clash of the Titans”—perhaps a cheeky nod to Lisa’s hubby Harry Hamlin’s memorable turn as Perseus in the early eighties mythological epic? Think Lisa was the only one in the family to strut around in skimpy costumes or look like the unnatural victim of poor special effects? Think again, my friend.
The judges have divided the final four into these [s]stereotypes[/i] personalities: Stacy is “The Natural,” Drew is “The Fighter,” Jerry is “The Competitor” and Lisa is the “The Charmer.” They discuss the pros and cons of each, as I snooze away, indifferent to Stacy’s legs and Jerry’s pluck. I am more excited to see Jon Stewart in a commercial for the Oscars than sit through this pointless timewaster. When we return from break, the judges re-reiterate what we have already heard a gajillion times (and I didn’t even watch the other night).
Bergeron, Please Begone
I already feel like I’ve been watching this show four 78 hours when they decide to throw in an eyerolling segment about annoying-ass Bergeron attempting to dance the quick step. There is the requisite “it’s such hard work” training sequence, and an overabundance of Bergeron taking himself far too seriously.
Finally it’s time for Bergeron to strut his stuff with pretty pro, Ashly Delgrosso. He appears onstage dressed as Charlie Chaplin, debasing the classical comedian’s legend forever—although, somewhere out there, a French person is probably hailing the genius of Bergeron and this act. The female vocalist from the band is so appalled, she misses singing the first line from “Get Happy”; either that or she’s drunk, in which case I envy her, because it’s really the only way to get through this show without going stark raving.
Nap time! Bublé returns with an extra schmaltzy rendition of “Save the Last Dance for Me,” as season one champion Alec Mazo & Edyta Sliwinska come out to rock the dancefloor and our worlds with their inordinately toned and tanned bodies. Not be outdone, as Bublé sings, he does a weird half-dance while perched atop a stool, which consists of one foot kicking spastically as if in death rattle.
Edyta slinks around sexily in a dress that looks like two tea towels stapled together at the top, and mini-legwarmers. MINI-legwarmers! Only dancers can get away with wearing crap like this. And Alec? He wears all that he needs, a sensual tuft of dark man pelt on his chest and arms. Rowrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
Oh God Why Won’t This Show End?!!
Another barrage of video clips show yet more proof that everyone involved is working very, very hard—this time from the perspective of the dancer’s loved ones. We meet Jackie, Jerry’s wife, and see his daughter again; Harry Hamlin, Lisa’s hubby; Lea Lachey, Drew’s wife and Drew’s brother—oh yeah Mr. Simpson himself, Nick Lachey (okay so now I finally realize who this guy is) ; Stacy’s parents and…no husband or even wife, but Hulk Hogan?
Actually, the clips do succeed in showing us more of what our star dancers are like behind the scenes and at home, and the effect is very humanizing. It will be sad to see someone go by the end of the show. Oh my God, am I starting to…care?!!
Kiss These Lips Goodbye
At long last, we arrive at the moment of truth. Who will be moving on to compete in the finals for the coveted DANCING WITH THE STARS title? The first two couples declared safe from elimination are Drew & Cheryl (notch), and (not as notch) Jerry and Anna (!!!). America, are you bloody non compos mentis? Even Jerry looks shocked as she*t that he is moving on. The crowd goes nuts and chants and hoots like Jerry Springer audience as the other couples onstage look like they’re all thinking the same thing: What the hell?
So it’s between Lips or Legs. Lisa waits patiently, poised as ever; in contrast Stacy fidgets and looks downward like a child off its Ritalin. They stall, they go to commercial, they keep us in suspense, they keep me from getting on with my life and enjoying my weekend…until finally they reveal that the couple getting the Big Kiss-Off this week is Lisa & Louis.
Maybe before I might have felt that my time spent watching this deck would be made worthwhile by witnessing the expulsion of Gargantuan-Lip; however, on this night, I feel they done her wrong. Lisa tries to remain poised as they run her Goodbye Montage, then she breaks down. “She’s my favorite student forever,” Louis says, getting emotional, and wiping away tears of his own.
Lisa then takes a touching moment and transforms it into something troubling when she declares Louis her “soul mate,” as she clings to him, arms grasping Louis as if she is hanging on to him for dear life. Hello! Husband in the room! Odd, come to think of it, these two always seem to be touching each other, even when not dancing. I could even swear that earlier in the show it looked like she patted his hand while he was touching her butt. Cut away to shot of Harry Hamlin in the audience and an unidentified blonde lady next to him (perhaps his soul mate?) looking quite grim.
Lisa & Louis do their farewell dance to the cruelly apropos tune of “Didn’t We Almost Have It All” as the semi-final results show comes to a close. Tune in next week to see our final three dancing duos compete, and remember the results will be revealed at the grand finale next Sunday.
Lisa Rinna’s trout pout gives me the howling fantods: snowflakegirl@fansofrealitytv. com