Six weeks ago, six stars came to do battle on the dance floor. One by one they have fallen....now, only two remain for the ultimate ballroom showdown. Kelly Monaco, the comeback kid who never says die. John O’Hurley, the king of sophistication. Who will become the champion? This….is Dancing With The Stars! *cue cheesy Latin music*
Welcome to the finale of Dancing with the stars! Tom Bergeron and Lisa Cannings greet us for the very last time, and tell us that this week, our last two couples will be dancing their best performance of the competition, and also a no holds barred freestyle performance. Also, as an added treat, Trista, Evander, Rachel, an Joey will all be returning to dance for us one last time. Can I get a yay?
Ok, so let’s get this show in the road…
More Old Stuff
John O’Hurley and his creeptastic dance partner Charlotte Jorgensen are up first tonight! John is having trouble with his lifts in the freestyle dance, so who do they call? Forget the batman signal and shine the ballet slipper signal…call Patrick Swayze! P. Swayze, why? How is it that two minutes On Dancing With The Stars discredits your entire career, and why do I feel so bad snarking on Patrick Swayze?
John and Charlotte perform the quick step again, and do it even better this time! The judges agree, and give them straight nines for a total score of 27!
Kelly and Alec are up next, and Kelly says she is pulling out all of the stops on the freestyle routine. These stops include lifts, wearing a skirt and boots to practice, and inviting Alec to her pool at her house. Alec says that Kelly has an amazing ability to turn it (him) on when she needs to perform.
They perform their samba routine again, and Carrie Ann says that she liked it better last time. Ouch! Carrie gives them a seven and the other two judges are clearly boobmatized and give her nines for a total score of 25.
I’m Drinking Vodka…And I Just Can’t Fight It
Dancing their last dance of the season next are John and Charlotte. John says he feels like he is 30 years younger, and Charlotte jumps in and adds that he’s also lost twenty pounds. Charlotte says that she has had many professional partnerships, but this has been one of the best ones.
John and Charlotte are dancing their freestyle to “I’m So Excited” Charlotte is wearing a suspicious black coat, and John is wearing black pants and a white suit. “I’m so excited…I’m so excited…I’m so…Scared!” Quiet Jessie! If you had listened to Slater and stopped taking those pills you wouldn’t be in this mess. Anyways, as expected, Charlotte just can’t hide it, and takes off her black coat revealing a small pink dress. Surprisingly, however, John loses control too and rips off his tie. Their performance is excellent, and the audience gives them a standing ovation!
Carrie Ann: I think that was fantastic! That was so much fun to watch, and it was so nice to see you let loose…I mean ABSOLUTELY let loose…great hip action!
Score - 9
Bruno: John you have hips! You have hips! It took five weeks, and you have gotten there! *babble scream babble squirm babble spazzes out*
Score - 9
Len: Well, I thought you were going to play it safe. Fantastic! You danced right on the edge, and it was entertaining.
Score - 9
Total Score: 27
Cumulative Score: 54
“Yahtzee! Dance On!”
Last, but not least is Kelly Monaco! Kelly says that she started at the bottom, and each week, has been climbing that icy rock higher and higher. Alec says that he’s learned that it isn’t about winning, and that he might not have been given the partner with the best training, but he was given the partner with the biggest heart. (or at least the biggest….never mind, its just too easy)
Kelly and Alec are dancing their freestyle performance to “Let’s get Loud” by, sorry can’t resist it, Mennifer Lopez. The performance is excellent! They lose clothing pieces, spin, jump, flip on the stairs…the whole shebang!
Len: That was unbelievably great. I tell you, I loved the entertainment. I saw salsa, cha cha…I loved all that stuff up on the stage, the way you came down, the lifts. That, I think, was the performance of the series!
Score - 10
Bruno: That was the hottest Latin American potpourri I have seen in this series. Hawt! Hawt! Hawt! Hawt!
Score - 10
Carrie Ann: Was that the same girl that I called an awkward mover in the second episode? Did you do a back walkover off the stairs, and did you fly a helicopter on his head? You go girl, that was great!
Score - 10
Total Score: 30
Cumulative Score: 55
The Dance of Shame!
Yes, it’s that time….to dance with the losers. Each eliminated couple will dance a short piece of their best performance in the competition. First, however, we find out that there’s very little meat in this gym mat of a show, when we have to see a montage of everything that has happened until this point. Shall we start?
Week 2: Our favorite bachelorette and cracker, Trisquit is eliminated! No one seems to mind.
Week 3: Evander thinks of himself as the jive turkey, but the audience and judges don’t like turkeys on the dance floor, they like them next to cranberry sauce. See ya Evander!
Week 4: Rachel gets the ax, and leaves the show in tears.
Week 5: Joey gets the boot, as Kelly slips into the finals. It is time to dance!
First up, Trista and Louis dancing the Rumba! I guess they didn’t get to pick their song since they only danced one. They do look excellent, though, better than someone who I won‘t mention, but is in the finals. “And I….I want to share, all my love with you. No on else will do. O-o-o-o Yeah”
Dancing the jive, it’s Evander Holyfield and Edyta Sliwinska! Evander looks as stiff as ever, and does his corny underwater move. “Well She’s so fine, fine fine!”
Dancing the tango Rachel Hunter and Jonathon Roberts! Still hate the song, but they do well. “With the taste of your lips I’m on a ride…I’m addicted to you, don’t you know that you’re toxic?”
Dancing the Cha Cha Cha..Joey McIntyre and Ashly DelGrosso! They do really well, but why do they use a guy for the intro to the song? It just doesn‘t sound right. “Yes, It’s so C-arazzy right now!”
The Producers Came Over To My Pool…one thing led to another…
It is now time to announce the winner! Yes, after six weeks of entertainment, the show is almost over! *tear*
"John and Charlotte, earlier the judges said you are the queen and king of the ballroom. Kelly and Alec, the judges thought you gave the performance of the series…but what did the viewers think?"
The champions of Dancing with the stars……….Kelly and Alec! Woo! Kelly jumps around and looks stunned. In the background, four short farts of fireworks go off. Kelly says that all her life she has been the underdog and that this experience has been great. John says that he danced with his heart, and they came close.
Tom gives Kelly and Alec their prize, an Epcot Center statue, and shiny confetti falls from the ceiling. Is that it? Oh wait, we get to hear who the contestants are for season 2! They include Donald Trump’s hair, Katie Holmes, after Tom dumps her for publicity right before the release of War of The Worlds on DVD, the man under the Barney Costume, Gary Coleman, Vanilla Ice, and Pamela Anderson’s left boob.
See you guys, it has been fun!
Sorry so late guys, trying to adjust to a new class schedule.