Hi everyone! I’ve been cut off from the entire world, including the buffet of life known as the internette, for the past few weeks, so I have to admit I have no idea what has transpired on our favorite carnival of spray tanner and semi-celebrity in the meantime. However, I’m here now, and ready once again to sink my teeth into as much chewy nonsense as they can dish out. Good thing I’m starting with a results show.

Cue the Black Clouds and Thunderclaps

“What have your votes decided?” asks Tom, giving the whole show a sense of drama and portent I personally have not experienced since that “follow the money” scene in All the President’s Men. What have we done, America? What have we done?

We’ll find out soon enough, but first we must have an encore dance! Len is very gracious as he tosses the floor to Mya and Dmitry to reprise their sultry samba. It is again very sultry, and I’m sure Mya’s solo is again causing minds everywhere to burst into flames. For various reasons. Recap of last night: CA is now in love with Kelly, even though she totally winged her solo and then says that she and Louis have “achieved the impossible” by dancing on this show for 10 weeks. Indeed, Kelly. And yet, where is her made-for-television movie? There’s just no justice, I’m telling you.

Meanwhile, Joanna’s still here – surprise! Even though no one cares for her that much and her face looks like she’s aware that her time is running short. Donny apparently had a dancing disaster to rival his sister’s famous fainting spell of a few seasons back when he … forgot the steps to his dance? I can’t tell what happened, but I know something did, because both his footage and his music are slowed to a crawl, and that can only mean doom. His and Kym’s post-show confessional is somber and should’ve been shot on sepia film, but luckily his two following dances were successes. And of course we all know Mya ruled, and is happy about it. The leader board is quite wide – Mya and Dmitry of course lead with an impressive 87/90, while Donny and Kym bring up the rear with 74. Who will be the first team into the finals then? There’s just no way to know. Unless you listen as I tell you: it will be Mya and Dmitry.

However, commercials. And then we get to listen to all the contestants make nice about all the other contestants. Instead of transcribing, I’ll just throw out some random quotations and let you match them with the people you want: “Sometimes I wonder which one’s the pro.” “She just has to stand there.” “She’s a witch! Burn her!” “My biggest obstacle is me.” Okay, one of those I made up. Try to guess!

What Have You Done to Deserve This?

And now a performance from Nine, so Fellini buffs make sure you have your tomatoes ready. Because it’s all about “being Italian,” ahaha! Sorry. Go see Nine.

And if you go see it within the next few minutes, then you won’t have to watch Alicia Keys whispering through her newest single. Try to make it back in time to see her final pose, though – eyes closed soulfully, head tilted skyward, self-satisfied smile – because that’s a moment to make your life richer.

And now, here tonight on American Idol, is a music video starring our stars “singing” “Under Pressure.” No wait, this must be [i]Dancing with the Stars[i], because this video isn’t selling anything. Best part? Watching Joanna Krupa try to have “singer” mannerisms. That’s a good “model.”

Oh, and also, results. Tom now calls Mya and Dmitry and Joanna and Derek to the floor in order to tell you what you already know because I told you: Mya and Dmitry are the first couple in the finals.

More music for you on this night of results: The New Alicia Keys Leona Lewis also sings a new single which you must recognize from the trailers for Precious and which you may have, like me, assumed was an Alicia Keys song. Yeah.

In Which America Answers for Its Actions

Hard-hitting Backstage Reporter Samantha asks Mya how it feels to have been already declared the winner, and Mya is like, “Don’t say that or people won’t vote for me.” She then asks Joanna how it feels to be a spectacular failure, and Joanna dorks out about how verklempt she got seeing her family discuss her right before she danced, and also how difficult it is to dance a sexy cha cha when you’ve just seen your mom talk about how much she loves her little girl. True enough.

Out in frontstage, Kelly and Louis and Donny and Kym await their fates, and although Donny bit it big time somehow last night, he and Kym are nevertheless through to the finals with flying colors. Surprise! Kelly looks brokenhearted to be still in jeopardy, and perhaps has already given up on life. Surprise.

Oh, God. Melissa Rycroft is back on the show. I should’ve known I couldn’t avoid the terror of recapping her forever. She and Tony are here this week to accompany the legendary Bee Gees with a hustle. No word yet on why the legendary Bee Gees are here. But they sing “You Should Be Dancing” wearing big smiles while Cheryl and Tony, Chelsie, Melissa and some guy I don’t know are dancing, yeah.

And speaking of professional dancers, now they talk about how rewarding it is choreographing dances and being professional with each other. This is followed by Joanna and Derek and Kelly and Louis yet again on the results platform. Tom toys with each couple for a moment, and then drops an “after the break of his own.”

And then, after the break, Joanna and Derek are eliminated. Surprise! The audience … cheers? Not polite, audience. Not polite at all. Samantha asks Joanna to speak about coming full circle from her dashed childhood ballet dreams, and then Tom asks them to reprise their V-Waltz, to remind us all of “the amazing level of” something or another they visited upon us this season. Very polite, Tom. Very polite indeed. So, while they dance sadly to “Hallelujah,” try to keep your glee at having a Hough-free finale in check.

Next week is the finale extravaganza – it will include of course the always-popular and rarely wise freestyle dance event, as well as the awarding of this year’s mirror ball trophy. Who will take the gaudy trohpy home? My money’s on Whitney Houston.