Last week, Toni became Cloris’ latest victim when she was unceremoniously voted out of the competition. This was not a shocking turn of events by any means considering that Dancing has a long history of featuring untalented people with curious delusions of grandeur and rabid, but perhaps deaf and blind, fans with mad speed dialing skills. What was and is shocking is that we put up with this idiocy by still tuning in to a show that this season has been no more than a comedy routine wrapped in a tasteless fashion parade while still earnestly and unbelievably pretending that it’s a dancing competition. Not when it allows somebody like Cloris to make it past the halfway point it’s not! Will the horrific embarrassment of weeks past finally end tonight? Read on.
The ghost of dance styles past
Len was absent this week, opting to leave the country
to escape Clorisfor a brief vacation. In his stead we have Michael Flatley who is not bad as a judge but lacks that certain something that Len brings to the show. Perhaps it's his Irish brogue which seems a bit weird coming from a Chicago boy, even one of Irish heritage. He promises to literally set the stage on fire with a “dangerous” performance that is going to leave all of us speechless. I promise to be appropriately impressed when I write about it. Unless I change my mind.
The celebs are wearing those horrid 80s style outfits from competition night and I have this sneaking suspicion that they'll be dancing that ridiculous routine again. Yay. When Tom and Jerry pop back in after the commercial break it turns out I'm right. Am I ever wrong when it comes to predicting the cheese on this show? If you were lucky enough to miss this amazing performance the first night, just imagine Cloris wearing a sideways baseball hat, orange leggings under jeans shorts and huge bling while trying to hip-hop. I apologize for that mental image. The rest are looking equally ridiculous as they hip and hop around making moves not seen since before the Berlin wall came down and MTV was still showing videos.
Some kids get their wish while others do not
Strangely, Tom and Jerry waste little time declaring Lance and Lacey safe along with Cody sans Julianne. Next week he'll be partnered by Edyta as Julianne is recovering from surgery. Such expediency is rare on this show, but never fear there's a reason for that. Two more kiddie couples are here to show us their skills and be instantly judged in front of millions of people. First up are brother and sister team Craig and Samantha who are 13 and 11 years old respectively. They have another sibling who was on the show last year and she is full of advice about how not to be a diva. There's rivalry, there's infighting, there's familiar affection and there's lots of practice and cuteness. Their Cha Cha Cha is fairly classic and the judges thought it was very good. Michael terms it sensational and congratulates them, Bruno calls them fantastic and vibrant while Carrie heaps on the praise by saying they were “poetry in motion”. The kids look pleased but it's not over yet. There's one more young couple ready to perform.
Their names are Lucy and Simon, both 13 years old. Simon was bribed with $20 to start dancing while Lucy forces him to do ballet at rehearsal. While he doesn't like that, he does like the little baking they do on the side. Cute but can they Samba? Yes, they can and do a better job of it than most of the celebrities on the show. The judges loved them and were wowed by Lucy's extensions.
But somebody needs to advance to the finals and it's going to be Craig and Samantha, by a unanimous vote.
Dolls in sequined corsets for the viewer who has seen everything already
With the kids out of the way, it's time for more grown-up filler. The Pussycat Dolls are here to provide said filler with a special, special routine they created for their performance with Missy Elliot. The five dolls show up in their usual getups which mostly consist of jeweled bras, skintight rubber pants, fishnet stockings, sequined granny panties, satin corsets and garters. They look very, er,
street cornerprofessional. The singing is nothing to write home about, something about tears tonight and baby, baby, oh, baby. They probably write this stuff on a template by mixing words they find in Playboy articles over a plain vanilla soundtrack. At some point Missy Elliot walks in and starts singing with the Dolls. I wanted to count how many times they said “baby, oh, baby” but decided to fast forward instead. There's only so many braincells I'm willing to sacrifice in the name of accuracy in recappage.
The next big holiday fire hazard: burning floors!
Before we can move on to more filler, chirpy Samantha chats backstage with Cody and Edyta and Lance and Lacey, an event which I'd normally just ignore but they're talking about Julianne's successful surgery and how happy Edyta is to be dancing with Cody even for a short time. I'm just happy Edyta is back. Speaking of happy, I am happy that Warren and Kym are the next safe couple.
As promised Michael Flatley is ready to put on a show to pass the time. The theme is Chicago gangsters because nothing says entertainment like old time stereotypes. There's a nifty red screen and Michael appears behind it in silhouette tap dancing before moving on to a little one man stage set up in the middle of the dance floor to do more of the same. He keeps at it as smoke is swirling around the stage floor as he moves round and round, tapping rapidly. Suddenly the perimeter of the stage is in flames and it explodes dramatically into a ball of fire just before Michael jumps off to safety. Cleverly done but the whole thing only lasts a few minutes and sadly this means that more padding will follow.
This is one gift that will keep on giving till the end of the competition
Did you know that being on Dancing is more than just a daily struggle to keep people in retirement homes and jails from voting for Cloris? Well, it is, and experts are here to help the stars sharpen their mental game. A steady parade of said experts from a sports psychologist, to Misty Mae's coach and husband, to some dude in a military uniform are here to weigh in on each couple. What, Mickey Mouse and Indiana Jones were booked? The experts weigh in about how tough each celeb needs to be, how tough they are relative to each other and how a lack of toughness can hurt them. I'm tough too but not tough enough to resist the call of my fast forward button, so we're moving on.
Brooke and Derek are safe along with Maurice and Cheryl, leaving Cloris and Corky and Susan and Toni in the bottom two. After some dramatic music, a commercial break and some more spotlight-hogging fake fainting from Cloris with Corky playing along with her in the most idiotic and undignified way, we finally find out that they're both gone for good. Hallelujah! Break out the champagne! We're finally free, gloriously, unbelievably free to watch this show again without having to avert our eyes or roll them in absolute disgust. But can Cloris leave in a dignified way without making a spectacle of herself one last time? I think she's genetically programmed to always be the most tastelessly ridiculous person in any room and her departure is typical in that way.
She spends her last minute on the show sucking up to the judges then sitting down on the floor, forcing Corky, Tom and Samantha to follow suit. Running her hands up and down Corky's thigh and the back of his neck she threatens to be back next week sitting in a costume on the side of the dance floor. The other couples are clapping awkwardly during all this and after some goodbyes we're finally rid of her.
Tune in next week when hopefully Cloris will not be allowed to monopolize any airtime anymore and we might just get down to some real dancing. I'll be reporting on their efforts on Monday's show night while the dedicated MotherSister will cleverly bring you news of all the elimination night filler.
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