In this week’s episode of Dancing With the Stars the wheat was finally separated from the chaf. The front runners emerged and we saw our first group number, a swing routine to “Rock This Town” that made me feel optimistic about the rest of the season. Tonight, we’ll be saying goodbye to one more couple. Will Billy Ray finally be put out to pasture? Only time will tell.
Last night, the top three contenders – Apolo, Laila and Joey – surged ahead, while the bottom three – Heather, Billy Ray and John – failed to impress the judges. That left Ian in the middle and not sure what to do. If you missed the show last night, I highly recommend reading MsFroggy’s take on it. Here’s the quick and dirty version: Joey’s samba had Len smiling and Bruno calling him a “randy, swashbuckling cockerel”; Laila and Maks’ kick-ass cha-cha led Bruno to call her a magnificent obsession; Apolo’s rumba divided the judges, with Len wanting less chair dancing; Heather hoped her troubled top half would be hidden by the passion of the Paso Doble; John’s samba was more “ho-down” than “carnivale”; Billy Ray and his jive showed us that attitude is everything and; Ian just did not impress with his Paso Doble. Personally, I think he looked a tad constipated.
Pants So Tight you Could Bounce a Quarter off of Them..... and I say “Hallelujah!
Because the judges just could not choose a favorite out of last night’s dances, the encore tonight goes to the group number. Maks’ pants are just as tight as they were last night, so I am happy. The ending is still odd and puzzling. Whose idea was that and can we not let them do it again?
Tonight’s special musical guest is not only someone who I have heard of, but someone who I actually like. Heck, I own one of her CDs! It’s Joss Stone, performing her hit “Super Duper Love.” Best. Musical Guest. Ever. Love her. Dancing tonight are Tony and Elena and Julianne, who will partner with her brother Derek. Derek is just as cute as Julianne. They should definitely bring him back for season 5. Luckily, while Derek and Julianne are great dancers, there is no sexual chemistry at all. Thank God, ‘cause that’s an ABC After-School Special….or a Lifetime Movie Event.
It’s time for the highly un-anticipated segment where we learn what last night’s audience thought of our dancers. The less said the better. Tonight’s interviews include Gabrielle Cateris – aka Andrea from 90210 – (what is she, like 50 now?) and George Wendt. I shout “Norm!” when I see him. That probably happens to him a lot. Also jockeying for face time is J.C. Chasez, who probably had nothing better to do than come and watch former “band”-mate Joey.
Without much build-up, we learn that both Apolo and Julianne and Laila and Maks (yay!) will be back next week. I’ve grown rather fond of Maks and his, um….pants.
The Part Where I Get a Snack
Do you love bad lip-synching as much as I do? I think we’re both in luck! Next up is a performance from some of the cast members from the movie Dreamgirls. I’ll be taking their word on that because I don’t recognize any of them. The group performs “Step Into the Bad Side” and I think one guy is pretending to be Eddie Murphy. Okay, so can you tell I did not see Dreamgirls? Anyway, what was the point of this number? Is the DVD coming out this week? I guess the performance was okay, but what does it have to do with ballroom dancing?
Backstage, Samantha talks to Apolo and Laila - the two remaining athletes in the competition. When asked who would win in a fight, Laila states the obvious: Apolo wouldn’t have a chance. Apolo thinks Julianne might have a shot. It’s a big love-fest as Laila and Apolo compliment each other in an effort to garner viewer support.
The Real Headliners
Okay, so why lie – this is officially my favorite part of the results show. I find myself looking forward to it every week. Because the couples will be tackling a ballroom dance and a Latin dance next week, we need to get educated on how those dances should look. You guessed it: it’s time for Jimmy and Guillermo! This week, Guillermo is looking très élégant in a pink, off-the-shoulder gown with feather trim. Tonight’s demonstration dance will be the fox trot. The music begins and we cut to two people who are NOT Jimmy and Guillermo doing a lovely fox trot. A man – is it Jonathan? Tony? (I can’t even tell the difference between them when they’re standing still) – whirls around a woman wearing a fake moustache. I wait for “Yoey Fatonee” to cut in but, alas, I wait in vain.
Joss Stone is up again. Her new album just debuted at number two on the North American charts and, in order to push it to number 1, she must come and pimp her CD on this show. No dancing this time, just backup singers, as she performs “Tell Me About It.” To answer MsFroggy’s question: apparently, Joss does NOT own a pair of shoes. She needs some too – that floor is filthy. I know this because we got treated to a beauty shot of the bottom of her feet. Not pretty.
After yet another segment of clips – this time about how freaking nutty those celebrities are – we learn that Joey and Kym are also safe to dance another day. Not-so-safe are John and Edyta; they’re in the bottom two.
Happy Trails to You….
Because we just got a segment of clips, what, five seconds ago, here’s another one! This time, we learn about how the celebs prepare for performance night. Apparently, Joey likes to shake the trailer that he and Kym share. John reads a book, while Apolo works out. Billy Ray plays his guitar and Ian makes sure to kiss his dad on the cheek before he goes on stage. I actually get a little teary over how damn sweet that is. Heather says she always kisses a penny her daughter gave her and then she hides it in the dressing room. The one week she forgot was the week she fell.
Finally, the show is coming to a close and we’re about to find out who will be hanging up their dancing shoes. Safe tonight are Ian and Cheryl and Billy Ray and Karina. Billy Ray looks less horrified at the notion of sticking around another week than he did on the last results show. That leaves Heather and Jonathan in the bottom two with John and Edyta.
After packing the show with filler, they never seem to have enough time at the end. It’s almost at afterthought when Tom breaks the bad news to Heather and Jonathan – they’re going home. The audience gives them a standing ovation. Heather is clearly not surprised. She’s even prepared a little farewell speech. She thanks Jonathan, saying that she feels bad about him not getting paid any more (the pros only get paid as long as they stay in the competition). She also sends shout-outs to hair and make-up, the orchestra, the folks in wardrobe and the public. The best thing about the experience for her was being able to raise some money for charity. She implores the viewers to try a No Meat Monday if they can’t go totally veggie. I toast that idea with a burger and a Slim Jim.
Heather and Jonathan dance their way out to “When Will I See You Again?” which always makes me think of Can’t Hardly Wait and my slightly inappropriate crush on a young Ethan Embry. Ah, good times!