Welcome everyone…Well straws have been drawn among the writers group here at the FORT and lucky for everyone here I got the short one. For the next two hours we are going to be entertained with dancing, singing and more filler than your run of the mill hotdog factory. Let’s get this yawnfest started!
Is it over yet?
All the eliminated contestants are introduced and welcomed back to the dance floor, each taking the opportunity to do a little solo number. The little dances they perform bring me back to the most recent wedding I was at, I am a little embarrassed for them. We then get introduced to the band, singers and bandleader who all hide their faces from the camera. Who can blame them with the crap they are asked to perform each week?
The first of many recaps within a recap
Before the show can officially start we need a recap of the show from Thursday. Last Thursday’s show people danced, scores were given, and Lisa and Louie were eliminated. At this point I am feeling okay, signs of boredom are starting to kick in but as soon as the dancing starts that will hopefully go away. I still have one hour and forty-five minutes left to go.
Are we on a Jerry Springer show?
All right it’s dancing time. Jerry and Anna are up first to perform a Cha Cha Cha. They feel great about the improvement they have made over the past couple of weeks and now they need to just put everything together. Anna has high expectations for them and Jerry feels like they are the underdogs of the final three.
Jerry and Anna start their dance and are all over the floor in no time. The footwork looks good but who am I to judge, I can barely walk across a room without running into something. At the end of the dance the crowd starts chanting “Jerry, Jerry, Jerry.” While listening to the continual chants of “Jerry” I smile and think, things could be worse right now, I could be stuck recapping a Jerry Springer episode.
The judges enjoyed the number and this is what they had to say:
Len: You have mastered ballroom and Latin dancing.
Carrie: You just had the dance of a lifetime.
Bruno: Lady and the champ!
Overall total including Thursday’s score: 80/90
Shake your bon bon
Up next we have Stacy and Tony who are going to be performing a Samba for us. Stacy and Tony were very disappointed in the judge’s remarks and scores from last week, they felt they did better than that. They are going to work hard this week and do everything they can to get a perfect score. They do have one obstacle to overcome, Stacy hurt her foot this past week so Tony brought in a stretch specialist to help her out.
Stacy and Tony are off dancing to the slow rhythms of Livin’ La Vida Loca. I always thought this song was much faster but I guess the house band is not channeling Ricky Martin tonight. Stacy and Tony are all over the floor and up the steps, they look really good, the dance is very impressive.
The judges give them a standing ovation and this is what they had to say:
Bruno: Behold the power of the weapons of mass seduction.
Len: If there are 50 series of this show (Please god no!) I doubt a celebrity will ever dance a Samba like that.
Carrie: You set the standard of excellence for this competition.
Overall total including Thursday’s score: 86/90
Blue Suede Shoes
Last to dance tonight is Drew and Cheryl, they will be dancing the Jive to an old Elvis favorite. I happen to glance at the clock at this point and notice the show is not even half over. What do they have in store for us? Does this show really need to be longer than 10 minutes? Is anybody still reading this recap? Drew and Cheryl are working extra hard this week after the perfect scores they received last week. Drew is very stressed coming into the competition this week, he wants to win but he is also worried about his wife because their baby is due any day now.
The dance starts up and right away I become fixated on Drew’s shoes, they seem to be blue sequined. I barley notice the dance because I am so concentrated on figuring out if those shoes are blue or not, I finally determine that they are just in time to see Drew do a huge leap over Cheryl and the dance end.
The judges looked pleased and this is what they had to say:
Carrie: You have been the most exciting to watch since day 1.
Bruno: You never fail to deliver, you are so reliable.
Len: You are enjoyable to watch, you dance with such enthusiasm.
Overall total including Thursday’s score: 87/90
The dance portion is over now all they need to do is announce the winner and I can relax for the rest of the evening. I glance at the clock and the show still has a whole hour left, what can they possibly fill a whole hour with? I consider smothering myself with a couch pillow to end this misery but decide I will continue on for all the people who decided not to watch the show and are depending on this recap. This one is for all 3 of you out there!
Let's get it crunk, we gon' have fun
The salsa champions of the professional ballroom circuit are going to dance while Mary J. Blige performs her song Family Affair. The salsa dancers dance, Mary sings, we are moving right along again.
Seriously, is this show over yet?
All right, now we’re talking, it’s time to eliminate some people. All three couples are lined up on the stage and Stacy and Tony are the first couple eliminated. Stacy says this has been a life moving experience for her and Tony has been a fantastic teacher. We get a little review of their history on the show and Tony says they have become friends and he will take that with him. I would like to say that Stacy handled her elimination very well, better than I am handling the watching of this show.
Where is John O’Hurley?
Just in case anyone was wondering Kelly and Alec, last season’s winners are in the audience cheering on the teams. Yeah, woo, hurray! Sorry that is all the excitement I could muster.
You were already kicked off, why are you back?
This is the part of the show I am sure someone is looking forward too. All the old contestants will join their partners and dance, each pair gets a different type of dance and song to perform. A couple of notable performances, Kenny still looks completely awkward while dancing, it seems like he has no control over his own legs. Master P is still a horrible dancer and it looks like after the show someone’s agent is going to get fired. I am still feeling okay but boredom has struck, I can barely sit still and I still have about 45 minutes left to go. I decide to run outside and do a quick lap around my house to wake me up and keep me alert so I don’t miss any exciting detail.
The definition of torture
What happens next is almost too much for me, a recap of the whole season week by week. They decide to show the highs and lows of every week and who goes home.
It’s time for the last performance by Mary J. Blige, she is going to perform her new song Be Without You. Really, this 3-time Grammy winner has nothing better to do than Dancing With the Stars? Another agent should lose their job tonight!
Recap after recap after stinkin’ recap
So we are dancing into the home stretch, although very little dancing has been done tonight. Before we can find out who the winner is we need to be reminded for the 100th time tonight what everyone did during the season. We first get a mini montage dedicated to Jerry and Drew and their journey this season. Great it’s time to announce the winner. Now we get a montage dedicated just to Jerry followed by one dedicated just to Drew. Note to self: Only watch Dancing with the Stars Finale from now on because so much past footage is shown I can save so much time by not watching it in the first place.
Who wins already?
The time everyone has been waiting for, it’s time to announce the winner. Everyone who just skimmed this whole recap to get this information, you did the right thing. The show was horrible and I am now stupider for having watched it.
The winner is: Drew and Cheryl! This show has totally redeemed itself. Not really but I felt like I needed to say something nice.
Make sure to daily check you TV listings to find out when the next season of Dancing with the Stars will air, I know I will be.
I’m off to figure out how to get these two hours of my life back. If you have any suggestions email me at Yardgnome77@fansofrealitytv.co m