Last week, Trista and Louis were the first to be eliminated. Now, only five stars remain and the judges are demanding perfection. With only a week to learn the dances, the tension is fever pitched. Tonight, another couple must go! Live, this….is Dancing With The Stars! *cue cheesy latin music*
Welcome to the third episode of Dancing With The Stars! Our hosts, Lisa and Tom greet us, and tell us that tonight, the couples will be dancing either the jive or a tango. Before the show starts, we get to see what the judges are looking for in each dance. In the tango they want to see slow deliberate walks, and sharp head snaps. In the jive, they want heaps of energy, pointed down toes, and lightning fast turns.
Let's get it on!
Mom, My Jive Turkey Tastes Funny.
Up First this week is everyone’s lovable lug, Evander Holyfield, and his partner Edyta Sliwinska. Last time, Evander stunk it up, but he is excited about dancing the jive. He says he was born dancing the jive, and his mother used to call him the “jive turkey.” Evander and Edyta head to a club to learn some new dance moves, and my suspicion that jive dancing is not “cool” is confirmed.
“Hey Burnt, let’s go jive dancing with Petal and Ethel!”
“ No thanks, Begonia, no thanks. Besides, I already wore my Sunday church hat last week. I wouldn‘t want to wear it out.”
Enough lollygagging, let’s get to the dance! This week, Evander and Edyta are decked out in bright yellow. Edyta has three fluffy orange things that look like puffed cheetos hanging from her skirt. I never knew accessories could look so delicious. The couple will be dancing the jive to “Night,” by Jackie Wilson, and let me tell you, it was a long one. Evander does very little jiving, and he manages to make Edyta look bad in the process. He looks like a big frankenstein on the dance floor for the entire time. Mothers stop lying to your children. If your son is not a jive turkey, please don’t tell him he is. *shakes head in embarrassment for Evander*
Len: Well, I have judged jive competitions for about forty years, and I don’t think I have ever seen one quite like that. The jive is a crisp, sharp dance, like a pickled onions, this was like a bowl of custard that my mum makes, thick and lumpy. You have got to go, you are not a dancer.
Carrie Ann: I appreciate that you guys gave a crowd pleasing piece, but like Len says, this is a dancing competition, and you were still heavy on your feet. Your shoulders were hunched in. I am sorry.
Bruno: Yeah Evander, you’re a cool guy, and it shows, but in this dance you have to be very very sharp. The synchronization of the dance has to be razor like, especially when you dance in parallel with each other.
Total Score: 13
Toxic Song, Killer Performance
Second in line this week is Rachel Hunter, who was almost eliminated last time. She says she has to work extra hard, since she can’t count on the audience vote to pull her through. Jonathon, her dance partner, says that he has trouble with Rachel, because she tends to want to lead.
Tonight, Rachel and Jonathon will be dancing the tango to “Toxic,” which gets my vomit senses tingling. Haddaway did this song last week on “Hit Me Crappily One More Time,” and it was just bad. The viewing audience should only be subjected to one Brittney Spears song in a seven day span. Start writing your letters people! Rachel is wearing a lovely dress which is half pink and half black, while Jonathon is wearing your standard black tuxedo with a matching pink tie. To start off, Rachel places her leg on Jonathon’s hip, and then they rotate in place. They look like they should be in a music box. Very nice! The arrangement of “Toxic” was better than expected, but it still got a few giggles out of me. In the post-performance talk, Jonathon reveals that Rachel agreed to let him lead if he wore pink. I’m pretty sure they edited out the part where he suggested a dainty lilac with brushes of periwinkle.
Len: It had passion, it had aggression, it had that fabulous tango hold. Your knees were flexed, beautiful choreography…an absolute delight!
Carrie Ann: I agree, what I think is so wonderful about you is your posture. The lines of your neck, the way you articulate your arms and your legs is amazing…but, in the middle, I felt like you lost it for a second there.
Bruno: That wasn‘t toxic, that was sexy! *babble babble* This was top Hollywood style!
Total Score: 26
Sandwiched in the middle this week is sexy soap opera star Kelly Monaco. In response to Carrie Ann’s “awkward” critique last week, Kelly says what was awkward was the comment, because she thought it was one of the hottest dances out there. Kelly, please don’t ruin this for me. Play nice and look pretty.
Tonight, Kelly and her partner, Alec, will be dancing the jive to “Footloose.” Kelly is wearing a little red pixie number, while Alec is wearing a red shirt, black pants with suspenders, and a black hat. The performance is great in my opinion. They use the black hat as a prop, and Alec does this cool backward slide under Kelly’s legs near the end. Sure, his amazing dance skills distract from her dancing, and every time there is a close-up, Kelly’s mouth is hanging open in concentration, but knockers knockers bazongas!
Bruno: Kelly, I really like a competitor. I like someone that takes advice, works at it, comes back the next week, does it, and improves. This was the best you’ve been until now. Your footwork was very, very sharp, and if you have time, get some ballet classes. …..At this point, Tom interrupts Bruno and cuts him off, which is starting to annoy me. Carrie Ann and Len talk louder and overpower Tom, but Bruno gets distracted and loses his thoughts.
Len: Different dances suit different people, and this jive suited you. You’ve got that fabulous pump action with your legs. You did a great routine.
Carrie Ann: I think you’re a firecracker! This was by far your best routine yet. One thing I want to say is that when you dance, I don’t feel like you feel the music, but this was by far the best.
Total Score: 21
Sweating With Shar-lotta: Manboob Eliminator In Six Weeks, Or Your Money Back!
Next to perform is John O’Hurley, with his dance partner, Charlotte Jorgensen. John and Charlotte tell us about the pressures of being “the couple to beat,” and the difficulty of learning a new dance in just one week.
Tonight, they will be dancing the tango to “Dance With Me.” Charlotte is sequined-out in a black dress with a red rose attached at her hip, and John is in a solid black tuxedo with a matching red hankie. They start off impressively, with Charlotte sliding across the dance floor on the tip of her toe, and they continue to do well. My only complaint is that John was sluggish with his head snaps. In the post performance interview, we learn that John has lost thirteen pounds since he started the competition. Charlotte says that if she can get him to lose twenty pounds, he will perform in a speedo. Only a few screams from the ancient oldies in the audience tell us that this is not going to be a pretty sight. Believe me, I won’t be writing about it if it happens. I will just block it from my memory like I did with my webbed toes, and that overdue 1-800-HOT-CHAT phone bill sitting in the junk drawer.
Carrie Ann: What I love is that you make every dance suit your personality really well. Last week I said you were the couple to beat, I still think you are.
Bruno: I disagree, I think this week you were not as good as last week. There were lots of unevenness in your dance. Some moments you were right on top of it, and then there were some moments where you went from Rudo Valentino to Ricky Ricardo.
Len: It was just what I like. It was like a panther stalking prey, slowly across the floor, and then Snap! Not as good as last week, but a good performance.
Total Score: 24
Screw The Jive, Quick Leg And Arm Flapping Rule!
Last and definitely least, is Joey McIntyre, and his unfortunate dance partner, Ashly DelGrosso. Joey feels that the dance needs to tell a story. Lame. He says to take it to the next level, you have to put in some cool little spins and jumps. Lame. Ashly doesn’t look pleased, but she has a smile on her face regardless.
Tonight, Joey is going for the old army look with a paper bag brown outfit. Ashly is wearing a nice pink dress. They will be dancing the jive to “I’m Still Standing.” Ashly does well, but Joey is all cheese and no substance. Soon, Joey will join the ranks of Paulie Shore, Gilbert Gottfried, and the head honcho, Barry Manilow: the cheese that transcends time. A little more jive, and a little less Richard Simmons would have worked for me.
Bruno: G.I Joey you rocked! Finally, you are actually competing with us. He took three weeks, but better late than never.
Len: It was a little bit loose and filleted, but generally great, and a good show.
Carrie Ann: I thought you were great, your performance was great, but I do think that this is week 3, and the competition is getting serious. I did see a little bit of sloppiness in your arms, and I felt your feet were flailing a little bit. I loved the knee slide.
Total Score: 22
Farewell Fair Frankenweenie
Well, it is that time again, and one couple must leave the competition. The couples still in the competition are revealed in random order...
John and Charlotte.....Safe!
Kelly and Alec.........Safe!
Rachel and Jonathon....Safe!
Which means that our bottom two are Evander/Edyta and Joey/Ashly. Who will be "knocked-out" of the competition? Who will take a left swing to the face and be carried out on a stretcher? Who will get their ear bitten, and leave the dance floor a bloody mess? I said WHO is the jive turkey that will be served up for elimination? Ok, that's enough, Evander and Edyta are announced as the eliminated couple and dance their last dance.
See you guys next week. I am off to get these catchy tunes out of my brain. "Tonight I gotta cut loose, footloose, kick off your Sunday shoes."
If your name is calculus please do not try to contact me.