Last week, our six stars set the dance floor on fire and faced the wrath of the judges. Now, the pressure is mounting. Tonight, there is everything to dance for. One couple must go! Live….this is Dancing With The Stars! *cue cheesy latin music*
Our hosts, Tom and Lisa greet us, and let us know that tonight, someone will be going home! At the end of the show, the audience vote will be combined with the judges score from the past two weeks, and then, we are reminded yet again that someone will be going home. Tonight, each celebrity couple will be dancing either the rumba or the quick step. Let’s get this party crunk up in hurr shall we?
Someone Put Too Much Hot Sauce On Those Legs!
Up first this week is our very own human giraffe and supermodel, Rachel Hunter. In the pre-dance montage, Jonathon tells us they will be attempting a one leg hang, a deathdrop, and a backspin clothesline to impress the judges. I have been on all three of those rides at Disney World, so it will be interesting to see if they can pull them off in a dance routine. Rachel is worried about hurting herself, but Jonathon says he has never dropped a partner during a dance.
It is time for the performance! Rachel is wearing a carnation pink (thanks google) dress with sparkles and matching earrings, while Jonathon is wearing tuxedo pants, a standard white tuxedo shirt, and his tie hung over his neck. They will be dancing the rumba to the overly used reality television song, “I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing.” Rachel starts off with a slow split, and then the fancy moves keep on coming. They pull off all three of their dangerous moves, have great chemistry, and Rachel even manages to lift her leg up until it is almost touching her nose! The only thing missing was The Rock coming out, body slamming Jonathon, and calling him a Jabroni. Now that would have been a good ending!
Len: In a rumba we wanna see interplay within the couple, good hip action and romance. In this performance, I saw everything! It was fabulous (He must have had a good angle when Rachel did her split)
Score - 8
Bruno: Rachel, you have the potential to become a love goddess of the dance floor. Rita Hayworth! Think about that, that was wonderful. (Michael Flatley just called, he begs to differ. HE is the ONLY love goddess of the dance floor. *snap snap*)
Score - 8
Carrie Ann: You started out a bit nervous, but then you lost all of that. That was beautiful, elegant, great hip action, great chemistry…nice work.
Score - 8
Total Score: 24/30
“J” Is For Jadulterer
Next, is former boy band member, Joey McIntyre, with his dance partner, Ashly DelGrosso. This week, Joey is frustrated because they were given a challenging dance, the quick step. “It’s too fast!,” he whines, as Ashly calls him a big baby. Oh suck it up Joey! If it weren’t for this show, you would be counting ceiling bumps back at home.
For their performance, Joey is wearing black pants and a little black vest with a large “J” embroidered on his left chest pocket. Ashly is more subdued this week, wearing an ankle length dress, streaked with sparkly pinks, purples, blacks and grays. They will be dancing the quick step to “You Are The One I Want.” The performance is not good in my opinion. Joey seems to be running around the dance floor the entire time trying to keep up with Ashly. You can tell he is concentrating too much, because he has the same facial expression throughout the entire song. Another flaw is that the song track does not seem to go with the dance. Here is where I think the producers cheated the audience. Instead of educating the public on the music of ballroom dancing, they decided to appeal to the masses and make the couples dance to relatable songs. If anyone has a chance to hear some quick step song samples you will see what I mean.
Len: The quick step is a light fluffy dance, like a soufflé. In the quick step, we look for movement across the floor like hot coals, and Jonathon….oh sorry, Joey, that is exactly what you did. Your footwork was incredible, you were light, you were lovely, you just gotta concentrate on your posture.
Score - 7
Bruno: Joey, maybe I just expect a lot out of you, because I know that you can be amazing on stage. I still feel that you slightly under performed. To achieve the lightness of the footwork you have to do smaller steps. I know you can do it…I. Tom interrupts him at this point and says he thinks Bruno has made his point. Bruno spazzes out and gets all squirmy like a hyper-active ferret. I guess he really wanted to finish his thought.
Score - 6
Carrie Ann: I think you didn’t miss a step at all, and what you lacked in posture, you had in presence. I thought that was wonderful and fun.
Score - 8
Total Score: 21
Overall Score: 41/60
I didn’t know there would be touching in a dancing competition!
Up next is Trista Sutter, with her dance partner Louis Van Amstel. Breaking the annoyance level through the roof, Trista complains that the rumba is a very sensual dance, and she is not sure if it is all right, since she is married. Louis tries to talk to her about it, but she cuts him off and takes a break. Tell her how you would never be interested in a prune like her Louis, tell her! Ryan comes in to rehearsal, gives the dancing two thumbs up, and Trista continues with the lessons.
Tonight, Trista and Louis will dance the rumba to “Endless Love.” She is wearing a white dress with blue flowers in her hair, while Louis is wearing black pants, and an open tuxedo shirt. Their performance seems forced, but I am biased, so let’s just go to the judges.
Carrie Ann: I think you are a good dancer, and you showed us that two weeks now, but that was the rumba, and the rumba is the dance of seduction. I don’t think you seduced your partner.
Score - 6
Len: I was pleased to see that you put in a basic dance step, that was pleasing.
Score - 7
Bruno: Trista, not enough chili. This is a hot bloody dance and I didn’t feel any heat, any passion between the two of you.
Score - 6
Total Score: 19/30
Overall Score: 37/60
My Eyebrows Command You To Like Me!
Halfway done here, and up next is John O’Hurley and his partner Charlotte Jorgensen. She says that the quick step is the dance that separates the men from the boys. Worried about his stamina, Charlotte and John run up and down stairs to make sure he is in the best of shape for their performance.
John is wearing a black tuxedo, and Charlotte has picked out a beautiful blue dress. They will be dancing the quick step to “Let's face the Music and Dance.” They start out with a cute little exchange where Charlotte refuses to dance with John. He gets on his knees and begs before they start. John pulls off the dance with a bang. His easy going personality even shows in his dancing, as he makes the most comical faces on beat with the routine.
Bruno: Well, now the competition really starts, because you set standards now! This is a performance…this is class, this is elegance so everybody, you got to live up to this.
Score - 9
Len: If you were to know how difficult this is for these male celebrities to produce this sort of work. The posture was great, the footwork was pretty good, it was fabulous.
Score - 9
Carrie Ann: Even without spandex, you are the couple to beat.
Score - 8
Total Score: 26/30
Overall Score: 46/60
We’re Too Sexy For This Show, Too Sexy For This Show...So Sexy It Hurts
Kelly Monaco and her dance partner Alec Mazo are up next. Kelly says it is not fun to be humiliated on national television, but that she is going to kick butt this time, because they have nothing to lose. She says this performance will be rumbalicious.
Kelly is sexily clad in a two piece blue number, while Alec is wearing black pants and a sleeveless vest. They will be dancing the rumba to “Hero.” First let me see say that I enjoyed the arrangement of “Hero.” It was a male/female duet, and the saxophones gave it a jazzy feel which Enrique Iglesias couldn’t pull off even with four moles on his face. On to the performance. Kelly and Alec steam up the show with their sensual rumba, but it seems like they are dancing at a strip joint instead of a ballroom dance floor. I don’t really care, though, I would have tipped her. Anyways, the performance was so hot, I took three showers during the performance. It was so hot, my grandmother was rubbing ice cubes on her forehead. It was so freaking hot I am cooking my dinner on my television screen tonight. Thank you Kelly Monaco for that performance, AND saving me money on my electricity bill.
Carrie Ann: First of all, that was very, very sexy, but this is dancing, and I didn’t see dancing. I saw some great moves, and the chemistry was amazing, but still…you’re an awkward mover to me.
Score - 6
Len: It was better than last week, but it’s still brittle. It doesn’t have enough impact for me. (I agree…It was like peanut brittle…delicious!)
Score - 5
Bruno: Kelly, you have improved since last week. If you stay in the competition you have to concentrate on extending your lines, using your arc, and holding your posture all the way through.
Score - 6
Total Score: 17/30
Overall Score: 30/60
I'm A Fighter Not A Dancer!
Last but not least, is Evander Holyfield and his partner, Edyta Sliwinska. Edyta says that the problem with Evander is that he is 250 pounds and he has huge feet. She decides to take him into the boxing ring to practice some moves.
Edyta is wearing a lime green dress with sparkles on the top part, (sorry, I only know them as sparkles. I am sure they have a proper name, but I have no clue what it is) and Evander is sporting a black tuxedo with a lime green tie. They are dancing the quick step to “It Don't Mean A Thing.” It starts off well enough, but then it seems like Evander makes a mistake, and it all goes downhill from there. At one point, I don't think he was even dancing, just walking. Edyta and Evander try to keep a smile on their faces, but you can see the disappointment in their eyes.
Bruno: Evander, it was a bit like watching terminator keeping up with tinkerbell. It wasn’t exactly like walking over hot coals, it was more like walking over sticky paddles. I am sorry Evander, it wasn’t your best dance.
Carrie Ann: I think it is unfortunate that your second dance was the quick step, because I think that was going to be the most difficult for you, but I admire what you went for.
Len: I think of all the celebrities, you had to come the longest way. I would like to see Bruno train for five weeks and get in the ring with you!
Total Score: 14
Overall Score: 32
Yes We Hate You, We Really Hate You!
The time has come for one of our couples to leave the show…for good! The couple with the overall lowest combined judges score, and audience votes will be eliminated from the competition.
Joey and Ashly…Safe!
John and Charlotte…Safe!
Evander and Edyta…Safe!
Sexy and Alec…Safe!
Which means that Rachel/Jonathon and Trista/Louis are the two couples with the lowest combined score. The couple leaving us tonight is….Trista and Ryan! Trista says that this really sucks, but she had a lot of fun and will continue dancing. As long as she dances her way home, I don’t care. We didn’t stutter Trista Sutter, get to steppin’!
Only five couples remain, who will be eliminated next? See you all next week!
Please do not send me spam sandwiches, I’m a sloppy joe kind of guy.