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Thread: 6/1/05 recap - Dancing Stiffly With Those People I Saw Somewhere

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    Too cold to run away! Burntcrow's Avatar
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    6/1/05 recap - Dancing Stiffly With Those People I Saw Somewhere

    Five grueling weeks. Six stars have been training to master the art of ballroom dancing. Tonight, it all comes down to the ultimate ballroom showdown. Live…this is…Dancing With The Stars! *cue cheesy Latin music*

    Welcome to the very first episode of Dancing With the Stars! Our hosts are Tom Bergeron and Lisa Cannings. They tell us to hold on to our seats, because this will be a summer competition like we have never seen before. Before they can start the show, we have to meet the stars! The six celebrities are John O’Hurley, Kelly Monaco, Joey McIntyre, Trista Sutter, Evander Holyfield, and Rachel Hunter.

    It is time to explain what this whole show is about. Tom tells us that the stars and their dance partners will perform each week for the three judges and the audience at home. Half of their score will come from the judges, and half from the viewing audience. The couple with the lowest score at the end of the week will be sent home. This episode, each couple will be dancing a Waltz or a cha cha cha.
    So, let’s get this party started, shall we?

    Step By Step: How To Lose Your Manhood
    First up, is Joey McIntyre. You might remember seeing him on posters, key chains, mugs, shirts, sleeping bags, lunch boxes, pencils, notebooks, folders, and from your dreams in the late 80’s and early 90’s if you were a twelve year old girl at the time. (or a 30 year old woman in the New Kids On The Block closet) Joey tells us he is doing the show because he could not resist the opportunity to learn how to dance professionally. Really? I figured it was because he was broke and had nothing better to do. His partner is the lovely Ashly DelGrosso, a professional dancer.

    What would reality TV be without a little drama and romance? Ashly giggles loudly and tells us she had a huge crush on Joey when he was on New Kids On The Block. Joey is worried about looking too feminine, and questions a couple of shirts that Ashly wants him to wear. Dude, when you are on national television flailing your arms about, spinning in place, and bumping bums with your dance partner, you pretty much have lost any manliness you thought you had. Besides, you were in a boy band! Choreographed un-manliness is in your blood.

    Joey comes out on stage wearing tight black pants up to his belly button, and a tight, elbow length, white collared shirt. No worries, though, Joey sprayed the outfit with testosterone before he put it on. Ashly is wearing a beautiful yellow dress. They will be dancing a cha cha cha to "Crazy In Love", sung by Beyonce’s long lost cousin, Dee-yonce. Ashly and Joey do a good job, but it is hard to follow since “Crazy in Love,” does not really scream cha cha cha. Let‘s see what the judges have to say.

    Len Goodman: What a fabulous way to start this off. I was concerned that their nerves would take over, but it was just terrific.
    Score - 6
    Carrie Ann: Well, I think Joey, you don’t have any reason to question your masculinity. I do think you could be a little lighter on your feet. You were a little heavy like stomping. I think you could work on that a bit.
    Score - 7
    Bruno Tonioli: What a joy! Obviously you spend a lot of time around the block and on the dance floor. Nevertheless, your posture sometimes suffered, so for the future, try to have this Latin stance…nose in the air! (Did everyone catch that New Kids on The Block reference? Bruno, you kill me! I spit my sarcasm lemonade all over my monitor when you let that gem out. Please, give us a warning before you crank out another one of your memorized zingers.)
    Score - 7

    Total Score: 20/30

    Stacy’s Mom Has Got A Great Pair Of Legs
    Up next is actress and model, Rachel Hunter. Her dance partner is Jonathon Roberts, US rising Latin Champion. Jonathon arrogantly tells us that he is the top American ballroom dancer, and that he can make any partner he has look amazing. He says Rachel is easily distracted, and his words are confirmed when Rachel is seen goofing off and getting Jonathon’s panties in a bunch. A frustrated Rachel says she is not a professional dancer, but Jonathon quickly man-snaps his fingers in her face and tells her that she is going to look like one after he is done with her!

    Rachel is wearing a beautiful light blue gown for her debut performance, making her look like she is straight out of a fairy tale book. Jonathon is wearing a tuxedo, with a light blue hankie in his coat pocket to match Rachel’s dress. They will be dancing the waltz to “Three Times A Lady.” They pull it off, and their dance, in my opinion, is fluid and beautiful. A post performance chat with Tom makes it known that Rachel came down with a stomach flu and has been vomiting for the last twenty four hours. Let’s go to the judges.

    Len: In the waltz you look for a beautiful hold, posture, movement…You want to see a few steps that move away, and seamlessly come back. Unfortunately, this wasn’t my cup of tea. I wanted to see a little more waltz. The audience boos and Jonathon looks outraged that he has received a bad review. (Clearly, Rachel should have strapped some crumpets to her legs. No matter what the cup of tea, it tastes good with crumpets.)
    Score - 6
    Carrie Ann: Rachel, I thought you did amazing! Most of the time you think that models can’t move well,
    and you proved us absolutely wrong. You have gorgeous feet and beautiful posture.
    Score - 7
    Bruno: You were a turquoise dream! *babble babble* Did you watch her tapes, that was wonderful! You started this competition in a wonderful way. (Seriously Bruno, put down the crack pipe and the crayola box and simmah down.)
    Score: 7

    Total Score: 20/30

    Oxymoron Alert: Toughest Man in The World Does the Cha Cha Cha
    Up next is four time heavy-weight boxing champ, Evander Holyfield. His dance partner is Edyta Sliwinska. She describes herself as animalistic, exotic, and sexual dancer. Edyta is worried about Evander’s bad footwork, while Evander hopes he doesn’t go out there without some rhythm.

    Evander has on the typical white shirt and black pants, while Edyta is wearing a sexy white dress that exposes her back and stomach. They are dancing a cha cha cha to “R.E.S.P.E.C.T.” Evander is a really stiff throughout the performance. He looks like a mummy, a lost zombie, and the pink panther all rolled into one. Nevertheless, his dancing is entertaining and he pulls out a good first performance. I am sure if Evander was allowed to dance this song the way it was meant to be danced, he would have knocked it out of the ballpark. Let us see what the judges, who have still not been introduced, think of the performance.

    Bruno: Well, I got P. Diddy’s security for the next three weeks. Respect, you’ve got it by the truckloads. Footwork, think Muhammed Ali, the way he runs around the ring. Light on your toes, use your toes!
    Score - 6
    Len: I thought the fantastic thing was the anticipation of seeing you dance. I thought you were terrific!
    Score - 7
    Carrie Ann: I think you’re a great strong partner, but watch your feet. I didn’t think your footwork was very good, and I thought your facial expressions were very odd.. You kept licking your lips like you were going into a fight. Be careful, because you have great potential to go very far.
    Score - 5

    Total Score: 18/30

    The Best Looking, Overly Tanned, Plastic Fantastic Dancer
    Up next is the beautiful Kelly Monaco, star of General Hospital. Her partner is Alec Mazo, a professional dancer and Emerald Ball Latin Champion. Alec explains to us that looks are very important in professional dancing. He says that when he walks onto the dance floor, people will see that he is the best looking guy on the floor. Wow, I guess humble never came up in his elementary school vocabulary list.
    Kelly complains that Alec was like an Ice Queen at first, oh I am sorry Ice man…she said Ice man. She tells him that she blew out both of her eardrums scuba diving, so her equilibrium is a bit off.

    Alec is wearing a black tuxedo, while Kelly looks stunning in an orange dress, with her hair pulled back into a bun. They will be dancing a waltz to “I have Nothing,” sung by another great, Whitney Screwston. Kelly looks nervous, and the dips in her performance do not flow and seem mechanical. She still does well in my opinion, but what the heck do I know.

    Carrie Ann: Well, you both make a stunning looking couple. Kelly, I didn’t enjoy your dancing. You looked very stiff, and it was very refined. Score - 4
    Bruno: Kelly, is there a death in the family? Your face..it’s like somebody died. Waltz is romance, you have to give me some sense of romance….give me a story! You look like you just came from the hospital. (Wow, talk about over the line)
    Score - 4
    Len: Well, you know…a dance routine is like a garden. You want some lawn, and you want some flowers. The lawn is the basic dance, the flowers is the choreography. This, was all flowers to me. (Watch out for rolling eyes!)
    Score - 5

    Total Score: 13/20

    A Really Old Peter Pan In Black Tights
    Up next is John O’Hurley, who can be seen in syndication at anytime of the day, and any day of the week. Seriously, just flip the channels…Seinfeld should be on. John tells us that it is difficult for the men because they have to lead. His dance partner is Charlotte Jorgensen, who says she is the Grace Kelly of the dance world. It looks like these professional dancers have been hanging around brown-nosers for too long.

    John is wearing what is looking to be the standard for the males, high pants, and a collared shirt. Charlotte is wearing a little red number that flutters about as she dances. For some reason, John reminds me of Dorothy from the Golden Girls. Probably because of the unique white hair and black eyebrows. They will be doing the cha cha cha to "September." Despite looking like a flamingo doing his mating ritual while moving his legs, John does well. Charlotte truly lives up to her reputation, giving off a certain elegance and grace while dancing. At the end of their performance, Charlotte taps John on the chin and they touch noses. It looks like Charlotte (pronounced Charlotta for some reason) has a little crush on John. How cute. To the judges batman!

    Bruno: You gave a very good performance. You are not quite Gene Kelley yet, so I am looking forward, the next few weeks, to build up on this.
    Score - 6
    Carrie Ann: I thought that was fantastic. You had one little booboo on the feet, but that’s ok.
    Score - 7
    Len: That routine had class…I know you like golf, that was a hole in one. It was a fabulous routine.
    Score - 7

    Total Score: 20/30

    Hobbies: Dancing, Eating Worms, And Being A Fame-Whore
    The final performer of the night is ABC veteran, Trista Sutter, from The Bachelorette, and Fear Factor. You can also watch her soon on The Bachelor: Trista Gets a Sex Change to Star in Another Reality Show, and Survivor: Streets of L.A. Trista hopes that America will come to know her as more than just “The Bachelorette.” She tells us that she has back trouble, and is worried about the dips and turns. Her dance partner is Louis Van Amstel, who says he is a living legend in ballroom dancing. Louis can do it all, apparently…splits in the air, pirouettes, and the quickest spins on Earth. He says it is good to be worshiped. Yeah, Yeah, Louis, but can you see why kids love cinnamon toast crunch? No!

    Louis is wearing the normal attire for the men, black pants and a long-sleeved black shirt. His hair, however is hideously wrapped up into what looks like a burnt sausage ponytail. Trista is wearing a pink dress that looks like a flower in the wind when in dance. They will be performing a waltz to “Come Away With Me.” They do a good job, but Trista’s constant smiling seems fake, and lessens the performance.

    Carrie Ann: When I think of a waltz, I think of a fairy tale, and I definitely felt like I was watching a bit of a fairy tale. However, I think Louis should be careful, because when you dip her, it felt like she was being thrown around. You need to have a little more strength in what you are doing.
    Score - 6
    Len: I thought it was a very balanced routine. I liked the mixture of basic dancing and clever choreography.
    Score - 6
    Bruno: Trista, you show a lot of potential , but remember, work on your lines, work on the lines of your arms. When you do a line, finish it, cover the room.
    Score - 6

    Total Score: 18/30

    Save Kelly Hotnaco!
    We have come to the end of the very first episode of Dancing With The Stars and it is now up to the audience to decide who goes home. The scores from the judges will make up one half of the total, and your votes will make up the other half. You can vote either by phone, or on the show website. You are allowed to vote up to five times per phone number, and once per e-mail address.

    Here are the standings after episode one, and the phone numbers to call in your vote.
    1. Joey and Ashly : 20 (1-866-613-0001)
    1. Rachel and Jonathon: 20 (1-866-613-0002)
    1. John and Charlotte: 20 (1-866-613-0005)
    4. Evander and Edyta: 18 (1-866-613-0003)
    4. Trista and Louis: 18 (1-866-613-0006)
    6. Kelly and Alec: 13 (1-866-613-0004)

    Sorry to cut the recap short, but I have to waltz on over to the toilet and do the cha cha cha. See you guys next week!

    Upset because I didn't mention the third host of the show, Lisa Cannings's belly? Let me know! burntcrow@fansofrealitytv.com
    Last edited by Burntcrow; 06-06-2005 at 04:05 PM.

  2. #2
    Courtesy and Goodwill Mantenna's Avatar
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    Ah, Burnt, you're fantastic. Bravo, bravo! With recaps of this caliber, you'll be waltzing away with Kelly Monaco in no time.

    Quote Originally Posted by Burntcrow
    First up, is Joey McIntyre. You might remember seeing him on posters, key chains, mugs, shirts, sleeping bags, lunch boxes, pencils, notebooks, folders, and from your dreams in the late 80’s and early 90’s if you were a twelve year old girl at the time. (or a 30 year old woman in the New Kids On The Block Closet)

    Joey tells us he is doing the show because he could not resist the opportunity to learn how to dance professionally. Really?

    Dude, when you are on national television flailing your arms about, spinning in place, and bumping bums with your dance partner, you pretty much have lost any manliness you thought you had. Besides, you were in a boy band! Choreographed un-manliness is in your blood.

    They will be dancing a cha cha cha to "Crazy In Love", sung by Beyonce’s long lost cousin, Dee-yonce.

    Did everyone catch that New Kids on The Block reference? Bruno, you kill me! I spit my sarcasm lemonade all over my monitor when you let that gem out. Please, give us a warning before you crank out another one of your memorized zingers.

    Seriously Bruno, put down the crack pipe and the crayola box and simmah down.

    Oxymoron Alert: Toughest Man in The World Does the Cha Cha Cha

    He looks like a mummy, a lost zombie, and the pink panther all rolled into one.

    Wow, I guess humble never came up in his elementary school vocabulary list.

    They will be dancing a waltz to “I have Nothing,” sung by another great, Whitney Screwston.

    Despite looking like a flamingo doing his mating ritual while moving his legs, John does well.

    You can also watch her soon on The Bachelor: Trista Gets a Sex Change to Star in Another Reality Show, and Survivor: Streets of L.A.

    Sorry to cut the recap short, but I have to waltz on over to the toilet and do the cha cha cha. See you guys next week!

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    Retired! hepcat's Avatar
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    Step By Step: How To Lose Your Manhood

    Besides, you were in a boy band! Choreographed un-manliness is in your blood.

    Oxymoron Alert: Toughest Man in The World Does the Cha Cha Cha

    He says that when he walks onto the dance floor, people will see that he is the best looking guy on the floor. Wow, I guess humble never came up in his elementary school vocabulary list.

    Save Kelly Hotnaco!
    Awesome job, Burntcrow!
    You've gotta hustle if you want to earn a dollar. - Boston Rob

  4. #4
    Livin' the life Dinahann's Avatar
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    Great recap, Burnt!

    I especially loved the segment titles:

    Step By Step: How To Lose Your Manhood
    Stacy’s Mom Has Got A Great Pair Of Legs
    Oxymoron Alert: Toughest Man in The World Does the Cha Cha Cha
    A Really Old Peter Pan In Black Tights
    Forget Stacy's Mom, You've got it goin' on!
    Well I was born in a small town
    And I can breathe in a small town
    Gonna die in this small town
    And that's prob'ly where they'll bury me

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    FORT Fan dietcokegirl's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Burntcrow
    Louis can do it all, apparently…splits in the air, pirouettes, and the quickest spins on Earth. He says it is good to be worshiped. Yeah, Yeah, Louis, but can you see why kids love cinnamon toast crunch? No!
    HAHAHAHA .. that was really funny. Makes me want some cinamon toast crunch though. Hmmmm..

    Anyway, I missed the show but it looks fun, I'll have to catch it next time.

  6. #6
    Shark Week! dagwood's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Burntcrow
    Bruno: You were a turquoise dream! *babble babble* Did you watch her tapes, that was wonderful! You started this competition in a wonderful way. (Seriously Bruno, put down the crack pipe and the crayola box and simmah down.)

    Hobbies: Dancing, Eating Worms, And Being A Fame-Whore

    You can also watch her soon on The Bachelor: Trista Gets a Sex Change to Star in Another Reality Show,


    Great recap, Burntcrow.
    He who laughs last thinks slowest

    Maybe we should chug on over to namby pamby land where we can find some self confidence for you, you jackwagon!

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    Fort Freak! funnygirl422's Avatar
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    For some reason, John reminds me of Dorothy from the Golden Girls. Probably because of the unique white hair and black eyebrows.

    I couldn't quite place my finger on it, but you nailed it on the head Burnt.

    Great recap!

  8. #8
    Staying Afloat speedbump's Avatar
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    Not only was your entire recap fun to read, but your caption titles were hilarious! Great job, Burnt!
    You got to cry without weeping. Talk without speaking. Scream without raising your voice.- U2

  9. #9
    LG.
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    very funny stuff, Burnt. I loved this part:
    you were in a boy band! Choreographed un-manliness is in your blood.
    Help fight cystic fibrosis or just learn more about it at the cystic fibrosis foundation website, www.cff.org and help give my little guy a better future.

  10. #10
    That's all folks! Unklescott's Avatar
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    Burnt.
    You can also watch her soon on The Bachelor: Trista Gets a Sex Change to Star in Another Reality Show,
    That killed me.
    Last edited by Burntcrow; 06-10-2005 at 02:30 AM.

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