*Snnnnaaarrrrggggg* Oh! I’m sorry! I’m awake, really I am! I was just resting my eyes for a moment, honest! How could I have fallen asleep during that wacky, fun-filled hour that is the Wednesday night Dancing With The Stars elimination show? How about I just rewind my VCR to the parts where the Scissor Sisters perform and we’ll leave it at that? No? You want actual results? *Yawns and stretches* Oh, fine then. I’m sure there’s at least a couple of interesting bits I won’t want to fast-forward through. A shocking elimination, you say? Intriguing. Since you insist, I’ll watch the whole thing through, and stifle my recurring impulse to hit the mute button every time Tom Bergeron starts to speak. And just for you guys, I’ll even google the correct spelling of “Paso Doble”. Call me a stickler for detail, but it just didn’t look right spelled phonetically.
First off, we get a second look at the previous night’s flashy faux pas by our insubordinate dancing celebrities. Especially those former teen sitcom stars, Mario Lopez and Joey Lawrence – who do they think they are, breaking holds and flinging their partners into the air? They certainly have been very, very naughty…and should be punished for their rebelliousness. Not that I’m volunteering or anything. I’m sure Bruno would beat me to it anyway. So out of last night’s rule-breakers, which couples behaved themselves the best? The standings after the judges’ scores were tallied stacked up like this:
Monique & Louis
Vivica & Nick – tied for 1st
Sara & Tony
Harry & Ashly
Willa & Maksim
Mario & Karina
Joey & Edyta
Jerry & Kym
Emmitt & Cheryl
If you missed the judges’ critiques last night, you may be wondering why some of the more boring numbers *coughVivicaandNickcough* were rated so high and why some of the more entertaining performers are sitting near the bottom. Well, it so happens that ballroom dancing is not all fun and games, people! There are rules, and there are many, many, MANY of them! Cranky head judge Len enlightens us by explaining that first off, no lifts are allowed. That’s when your partner lifts you off both feet – basically, it’s a move you can’t do on your own. Willa, Mario, and Joey were all guilty of using lifts in their dances last night, and Len is still pissed. The tango has its own special set of rules – you must maintain a “ballroom hold” throughout, except for 10 seconds before and after where you can get creative and do your own thing. Keeping that in mind, it’s no surprise that Vivica & Nick get the nod for the encore dance. And I’m going to assume that it’s OK with you if at this point I fast-forward this sucker up to the first commercial break.
The special guests tonight are the Scissor Sisters. Never heard of them? Think of Hedwig, except not in drag, and sprinkle in a dash of ABBA. They perform one of their hits, Take Your Mama, while Cheryl Burke and Jesse DeSoto – unlucky partner to last week’s elimination victim, Shanna Moakler – perform in front of the band. My newly acquired knowledge of ballroom dance rules indicate that the dance they perform is not the tango, because they’re breaking holds all over the place, but maybe Len is just looking the other way.
Next there’s some dull backstage banter with Samantha, but in her defense - girl hasn’t got much to work with when it comes to improvisational banter with this bunch. I’m sure Sara Evans is a lovely person and a talented singer, but she has the personality of a tub of dishwater. Jerry’s the only one who can keep up somewhat entertaining patter with Sam, and he’s nowhere in sight tonight.
The producers continue their charade of pretending to care what the fans think by giving them the chance to tell us what they thought of last night’s flagrant disregard for the rules, and surprisingly, the fans are almost overwhelmingly in favor of sending the rule-breakers home. Does the voting public agree? Are the fans in the studio audience mere puppets of Len’s outrage? Maybe the first three safe couples will be some indication. The lucky 3 are:
Willa and Maksim (Willa’s short-shorts must have distracted everyone from their illegal lift, and they are saved from a third consecutive week in the bottom 2)
Sara and Tony
Monique and Louis
kill some more timeentertain us further, the producers have enlisted Italian tenor Vittorio Grigolo, with an accompanying choir, to provide the background noise for the pros’ group effort. The dance? The Paso Doble. The music? Something like the sounds monks make when they self-flagellate. The total effect? Imagine, if you will…The DaVinci Code-The Musical.
After some backstage celebration by the safe couples, Tysonia Sichinga, Slim-Fast schill, waltzes into her segment – literally. Tysonia has learned the waltz this week, apparently none too well as we see very little of her actually dancing. She performs in front of her co-workers this week, and afterwards is presented with a skimpy yellow dress and told she will have to wear it when she masters and performs the samba next week. Hopefully Tysonia will be hitting the Slim-Fast hard for the next few days, because frankly, that dress does not look like her size. It’s an “after” kind of outfit, and poor Tysonia looks to me like she’s still in the “before” stage of her Slim-Fast makeover.
The Scissor Sisters take another turn on the stage to perform I Don’t Feel Like Dancing – a sentiment no doubt shared by Jerry and maybe a couple of the other stars - we are treated to yet more lectures from all three judges on what they are looking for in a champion dancer. I took lots of notes during this part – I could probably write a great essay on How To Build A Perfect Ballroom Dance Champ. But then again, I promised at the beginning to stay awake for the hour, so briefly – the judges are looking for technique, hold, and posture. Got that? You have to sell your performance to the audience. Jerry does that by smiling throughout his performance, and being innately charming. Mario does that with his high energy. If you’re neither charming nor a firecracker, you have to be unafraid, like Vivica, or dedicated, like Monique and Willa. If you lack any kind of charisma whatsoever, then you have to be hardworking stiffs, like Sara & Harry, and try to improve a little more every week. That brings the educational part of this recap to a close, but feel free to clip this paragraph out and tape it to your remote control for reference during next week’s shows.
To keep us semi-interested in tonight’s proceedings, hosts Tom & Samantha throw us a bone and give us the names of the next 2 safe couples, who are Vivica & Nick, and Joey & Edyta. They can relax as we listen to yet more bitching and moaning from the stars about how tough the competition is this year, and how much time and effort they need to invest in their dancing. Hey, no one put a gun to anyone’s head here – assuming they all can’t owe ABC a favor, this was a voluntary gig. Besides, is there anyone here besides Jerry & Sara who have some kind of regular paycheck coming in? In spite of the Herculean task of learning to ballroom dance, there’s still some spirit left in some of the remaining competitors – Emmitt again tells us he’s in it to win, Sara will gamely give it her all, and Harry vows to live to fight another day. Wait…who’s that who just showed up? Why, it’s our old friend, Mister Foreshadowing. Haven’t seen you around this forum, but thanks for coming out. Are you here for the shocking elimination too? Certainly, there’s plenty of room for you to sit down – give me a sec, I’m almost through here – but then of course you already knew that. We’ll have a drink afterwards and catch up. Now where were we again? Oh yes, about to find out who will be in tonight’s bottom 2. There’s several minutes to go, so if you missed the show, imagine Tom reading out the names, reeeeeaaaaalllly slow, with equally long dramatic pauses in between.
Mario and Karina – safe
Jerry and Kym – bottom 2
Harry and Ashly – bottom 2
Emmitt and Cheryl – safe
And the third eliminated couple is…Harry and Ashly. We haven’t seen Lisa Rinna all evening, but the camera quickly pans to her look of grim disappointment before settling on a tearful Ashly, who is too overwhelmed to speak. She seems so sincerely stricken with emotion, even Tom & Samantha’s eyes are glistening. *sniff* OK, so I’m a little touched myself. Good-byes are always so difficult to say – and on that note, good-bye to you all for another two weeks, as Brandy will be your recapper again next week, guiding you through the finer points of the waltz and the Paso Doble. And remember – no lifting and watch those holds!
I promise to lay in a supply of No-Doz for my next results recap. firstname.lastname@example.org