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There are some moments in life that define us and shape our existence in profound ways. The moment that Steve Wozniak and Holly Madison got kicked to the curb last week on Dancing was certainly not such a moment but I still found a fat crocodile tear running down my cheek as I watched them depart the show. Oh, okay, not really, but I could have theoretically squeezed out a tear if I were at all inclined to be sentimental about cheap cheese and bad dancing. Which, I assure you, I most definitely am not. But enough of my emotional difficulties, this week our remaining nobodies are valiantly butchering the Viennese Waltz or the Paso Doble and I'm ready to gleefully document all of their missteps. Let's get to it.
Host Tom and Whatshername are always aunwelcome sight although I normally resist the urge to write about them in the interest of brevity and because they never say anything worth putting down in black and white. However, it looks like Samantha's hair is extra poufy tonight and she's wearing a teal colored one shoulder dress. Just thought you'd like to know. In other news, Melissa is wearing another outfit comprised of a sequined bra and an extra low waisted full skirt and yet another shiny patch over her tramp stamp. Oh, and her grinning face is again bedazzled with fake jewels! Yeah, somebody in the wardrobe department is having heaps of fun. Remind me to drop them a thank you note later.
Gratuitous picture of Gilles #1
Always good for a chuckle
Chucky goes first tonight. Poor boy, he's so sweetly bland and so generically farm fresh, I keep dreading the moment when Julianne finally makes him cry like a baby in the studio. I think all it would take is a cross word or two from her and he'd be balled up on the floor in the fetal position, poor thing. This week our farm boy wants to break away from his inner wimp and become a dancer. He also wants to break out of perpetual mediocrity. Aww, that's nice, but sorry, that won't be happening. Chucky tries hard in rehearsal, even attempting crazy stuff like more controlled arm positions, but the proof will be in the Viennese Pudding. She is wearing a sweet baby pink dress, he is attired in a neat gray outfit which is nice, but the dancing is only passably average. I do see more effort in his footwork and arms which, I guess, is progress for him. They end with Chucky on one knee in front of Julianne. Oh, and Heather Mills is in the audience!
Len says he's “finally out of hibernation” with somewhat better footwork. Bruno, master of meaningless but flowery language, declares that Chuck is emerging from Julianne's shadow. He wants Chuck to maintain his confidence all the way through. Carrie Ann says that she saw a questionable lift and she was irritated that “it's not quite coming together” despite Chuck's ability. Ability? Well, her hair is extra volumized and extra curly tonight, so it might just be hairspray fumes talking. Backstage Samantha with the poufy hairdo wants to know whether the bended knee thing means that there will be a bride of Chucky sometime in the future. She didn't say it that way but I wish she did. The answer was “no”, by the way. Bummer. Their scores are 7-8-8 for a total of 23 points.
Please donate to the Lawrence Taylor Foundation for the Promotion of Words in Music. Thank you.
Lawrence Taylor claims that he can't get comfy with a song unless it's got words in it, which is why last week's Argentinian Tango was a bust. I wonder how he feels about books with pictures in them. The Paso Doble presents the same problem for him; he says can't feel the music and can't get the rhythm of the Paso. Edyta wants him to dig up some power and intensity which Lawrence claims he can if he reflects back on his football days. Is that what he is doing? 'Cause all I see is Lawrence with a serious face ambling about robotically, letting Edyta do all the heavy Paso lifting. He couldn't be less sexy and less believable if he were wearing tights, shoulder pads and a helmet for this dance. There's some fumbling with the holds, awkwardness, stiff arm waving and not much else besides.
Bruno babbles about “the prince of darkness, strong, fearsome and powerful” but that's probably because Bruno (or the show writers) prepares all his clever quips weeks ahead and it looks like he can't stray from the script. He says Lawrence only started moving halfway through. Carrie Ann thinks his range of motion is limited but he tried to work with the music. Len thought it was his best dance so far despite the fact that the quality was lacking. Their scores 6-7-7 for a total of 20 points.
Gratuitous picture of Gilles #2
Somewhere over the heel
Can Shawn vault ahead this week after flipping out Len with her back flips last week? Mark wants to polish her technique but Shawn is frustrated. I assume, since there are no major acrobatics involved in the Viennese Waltz. Still, she is determined to snap back to the front of the pack this week. Their music is something called Ordinary Day by Vanessa Carlton and it's all about a boy and girl, very cutesy. Shawn looks sweet and innocent in a long white dress and her posture is pleasant. The whole dance is smooth and pleasant, elegant and sweet but not terribly inspired. They end it all with Mark lifting Shawn into his arms and carrying her off-camera. Is that a lift? Aww! The audience gives them a standing ovation, but the judges are more subdued.
Carrie loved their beautiful simplicity and has no problem with that last bit of lift, calling it part of their artistic finish. Len liked their lyricism but wasn't wild about the lack of heel leads. Bruno loved her sweetness and musicality. He does want her to press her shoulders down for a more elegant posture. Their scores are 9-8-9 for a total of 26 points.
Minnie GaGa
Last week, Minnie Mouse hopped and grinned her way to a score of 29. This week, Bachelor megastar and undisputed A++ list celebrity *snort*, Melissa Rycroft, needs to find her aggressive, serious side. Tony explains it all to her about the importance of being serious for the Paso Doble and Minnie tries her best to scowl but it's clearly a chore for her even though she claims to be angry enough to pull it off. Ironically, or perhaps, as an inside joke by some clever producer, their music is Poker Face by Lady GaGa. Insert hysterical laugh here. Minnie Mouse is trying valiantly to inject some aggression into her grin but it comes out as a frozen half-scowl that's about as believable as the show's flimsy attempt at downplaying her. Dancing fourth? Tsk, tsk, tsk, ABC. We're not fooled. She concentrates so hard on growling and pouting that there are several stumbles, one of those nasty lifts and finally another wide grin towards the end when she just can't hold it together anymore. On a positive note, the show spared no expense with the spray tanner and she looks properly baked to a nice dark crispy shade of brown.
Len appreciated the difficulty but noted several mistakes in the routine. He also didn't see much of the aggression that she was trying to show. Bruno prattles on about Carmen, the bullfight and some such, but also noted her mistakes. Carrie Ann liked Tony's choreography, however, she didn't like the lift and the fact that the whole thing didn't quite come together. Their scores are a generous 8-8-9 for a total of 25 points.
Another gratuitous picture of Gilles
Dry spell
Another contestant looking to break away from the middle of the pack is David Alen Grier. He's looking to improve with the Viennese Waltz but most of all he hopes to keep that big booty of his nicely tucked. I hope he can too, for all our sakes. They start off with an intense look from DAG which would go better with the Paso, actually, and some fancy work with two blood red ostrich fans from Kym who is wearing a matching red outfit made up of some sequins, a couple of yards of soft red fabric and big 80's hair. Perhaps she wants to hypnotize the audience a bit before David starts dancing, which might not be a bad idea seeing the weird pout on his face and his wooden delivery. The routine, set to I put a spell on you, is as short as their rehearsal footage was which means that criticism comes swiftly.
Bruno says “the spell worked at times”. He didn't like the unnecessary leg lifting tricks which made David look like he was trying to bless a fire hydrant – hee! - and would've liked the whole dance to be more simple and classic. Carrie Ann liked his lines but felt a disconnect between Kym and David which prevented her from getting into their performance. Len liked the story and was pleased with their best performance to date. Maybe he took a nap while they were dancing and didn't quite catch all of it. Their scores are 7-8-7 for a total of 22 points.
Bare naked Gallic bullfight with a side of Martial Arts
Last week, Gilles dropped a super hot Tango that was worth a cool 30 points. Will he contribute to global warming again this week? Cheryl certainly wants to tap into all of Gilles' skills and since he is into Martial Arts – who knew? - they get to go on a field trip this week to a real Martial Arts studio to rehearse some aggression. Gilles' shows up with his young son – aww! - and they practice being angry and aggressive for the Paso Doble which Gilles says is not too hard for him given his background. Rehearsals are intense because Cheryl is a tough taskmaster and Gilles is determined to get it right. And does he ever! I can tell that this one is going to be a winner right off the bat since Gilles is wearing a pair of black matador pants, black eyeliner, an intense, smoldering expression on his face and no shirt, which is certainly as it should be. Unfortunately Cheryl shows up with a short bolero jacket which she puts on him after which the fun starts to – what else? - Habanera. Aside from the jacket, the dance is one sexy, vibrant, exciting Paso that I have no problem appreciating. The bullfighter ends up killing his beautiful dance partner at the end with a dramatic stab straight to her heart and the audience are instantly on their feet roaring loudly along with Carrie Ann and Bruno.
Carrie Ann was dazzled by their passion; she felt they really got the essence and soul of the dance. Len thought it a bit hectic but liked their passion. He wasn't sure about the jacket off situation, but then Len wasn't the target audience for that move. Host Tom even accuses him of “pec envy”. Bruno says they went in for the kill in their “battle for supremacy” and he feels they nailed it. Their scores are 10-9-10 for a total of 29 points. Boo hiss, Len.
Penultimate gratuitous picture of Gilles
Le mime et la fille
Steve-O didn't do so well last week, but even with a score of 15 his fans weren't going to let him go gently into that good elimination night. So here he is again this week with a fresh opportunity to either get injured or get better. And he will try to make the most of his third or fourth second chance in the Viennese Waltz especially since his Jackass buddies stop by to show their support. They show up for rehearsals to encourage him and help him master Lacey's choreography. It's all very sweet but can Steve-O remember the steps this week? Imagine a Parisian mime themed Viennese Waltz set to a Rufus Wainwright song with French lyrics, Steve-O in a striped shirt and a beret and Lacey with big fake eyelashes and a flowing plum colored dress gliding around in a haze of pretend grand amour. If you have a bit of trouble with that, I won't blame you. It's not a bad dance precisely but with little real technique and a stone-faced Steve-O it's all a bit too... mimed.
Len thought it was their best dance. Bruno liked their timing and appreciated the Marcel Marceau infused performance. Carrie Ann liked the sweet innocence of their delivery but she'd like to see better posture from Steve next week. Their scores are 6-6-6 for a total of 18 points.
Mechanical bull
After a brief plug for Bob Saget's new ABC comedy, which I won't be watching, we're on to Ty. In theory, the Paso Doble should be a good dance for Ty given all his expertise with bulls and such and Ty thinks so too. Not only is this an opportunity for Ty to show his bullish side but it's also a chance to kill some time with another field trip. A meet and greet with a real live bull sounds exciting but Chelsea looks a bit frightened. Less scary than an encounter with a bull is Ty's proper matador costume. However their music is Heart's Barracuda sung so badly that I had to mute my TV. While this saved my eardrums, watching them without music revealed that Ty is robotic, has no rhythm, no grace and is one unmoving block of wood. However, he did look properly angry at times.
Bruno thought he was seeing a Transformer doing a stiff Paso Doble. Carrie Ann felt he was overthinking the moves and didn't let loose. Len didn't think this was a good dance for Ty, not compared to the last two weeks at least. They rake in all 7s for a total of 21 points.
Last gratuitous picture of Gilles
Waltz Lite
Last to dance tonight are Lil' Kim and Derek. They rehearse their Viennese Waltz around Kim's photo and video shoot but her frustration is at an all time high. Derek tries to find the right moves for Kim, abandoning stuff that's too complicated or is not easily learned. Kim is wearing a light peach dress and she looks elegant with Derek but I'm distracted by her facial expressions which don't quite match the dance. Too much open-mouthed grinning and perhaps not enough serious content in the steps either. The choreography seems a bit thin in places as they glide from one easy move to another.
Carrie Ann felt almost maternal in her pride while watching them. She says they match each other well. Kim beams and opens her mouth for a big grin. Len liked the floaty quality and the musicality but wanted a bit more content. Kim looks cutely disappointed. Bruno thinks she made the Viennese Waltz look sassy. Kim giggles. Bruno says it takes two people to win. Kim giggles some more. Backstage there are more sweet giggles and when the scores come in they are 9-8-9 for a total of 26 points.
[Insert gratuitous picture of Gilles here]
I've run out of pictures of Gilles'chestperformance so this recap is officially at an end. Get back here next week when another one of our master recappers will carry on my new sacred mission of bringing you all the action and drama ofGillesDWTS.
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Originally Posted by waywyrd;3407851; 
Now I need to go back and actually read the recap. 
