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Welcome, dance fans! I’ll be dusting off my dance shoes and stepping in for your regularly scheduled recapper, the wonderful MotherSister, for this results show. Ah, the results show. Where they could really get the thing over with in ten minutes, but instead decide to foist a bunch of questionable guest “talent” upon us and jam the rest of the hour full of snooze-worthy filler. But they know they have us hooked. So let’s get this thing going and find out who gets the rug yanked out from under them this week, shall we?
Why Do They Torture Us So?
Of course, they begin the show by recapping the very same stuff we just saw the previous night. Do they think our short-term memories are that bad? Bah. Tom and Samanthawarntell us of tonight’s very special guests: Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance, and Avril Lavigne, Princess of Crappy Pop. Samantha, resplendent in her boobalicious dress, crows that one pair of dancers will suffer the cruelest cut of all: to be booted one week before finals. Yeah, I’m sure this will scar them for all eternity, toots.
Rehash alert! Tom reminds us that the remaining four “gave their all” last night during each of their two performances: Marie’s not-so-Quickstep and Mambo, Jennie’s “red menace” Tango and Cha Cha, Mel’s Viennese waltz and freaky Paso Doble, and Helio’s Foxtrot and Cha Cha. Too bad the judges didn’t give their all, flinging perfect scores left and right whether they were deserved or not. Looks like they’ve left it all up to the viewer’s votes, as there are only four points separating the top team from the fourth place team. Way to go, guys. They choose Jennie and Derek’s Cha Cha as the encore performance o’ the night, and they do a respectable job. Is it just me, or has Jennie really toned up those legs since this thing started?
It’s time for Miss Lavigne’s plug for her upcoming tour (tickets are on sale already! Hint hint!). I think the song is called “Hot” or some such - the opening line was something about locking a guy up in a closet, so I decided it was time to make a snack run. She’s still wailing when I get back, unfortunately. I’ll give her this - she’d make a good spokesmodel for false eyelashes. Sheesh.
Queen of the Obvious
Time for the backstage chit-chats, hosted by Samantha. She asks the four remaining stars how hard would it be to get booted at this point in the competition? Well, duh, Sam. They all reply that it would basically suck to come this far and get sent home, they’ve all gotten so close, yadda yadda. Fortunately, they’ve limited Samantha to one inane question at a time, so we head back out to Tom on the stage and a few cameos of some very hyped-up audience members from last night’s show, giving their thoughts about the performances. Why I should give a rip what these people think is beyond me.
Just in time to wake us back up, Tom announces the first couple of the night that is safe. It’s....*drum roll*....Marie and Jonathan! Do WHAT? Marie looks even more shocked than I do as the crowd erupts in applause. Samantha asks Marie if she thinks the “Osmond following” is helping her stay in the competition - is that some kind of cult? Marie says her fans are the bestest ever. They sure are, to have kept her in this thing for so long.
Knowing that some comic relief is in order after that little bombshell, we get a tongue-in-cheek “special report” from Kenny Mayne on the dark side of ballroom dancing. He follows past contestants Lisa Rinna and Harry Hamlin, Laila Ali, and Tucker Carlson to their dance “rehab” meeting, where they admit that they can’t let go of the show. “Sometimes I’ll be in the grocery store, and I’ll just break out into the Paso Doble!” says Laila. Lisa also snarks on herself and her tanning “addiction.” It’s a cute clip, and much better than listening to Ms. Lavigne’s caterwauling. Up next, because you just can’t have enough filler, is Michael Flatley and his dance troop. They do give a flawless performance, and the audience gives a standing ovation. If you've never seen them perform, check them out.
Save the Drama for your Momma
When we come back from the umpteenth commercial of the night, Samantha informs us that this has been the most dramatic season evah, with Tom piping up that the media is even more enthralled this go around. Probably because they got to replay Marie's fainting spell over and over. Cue several media goofs giving props to the show, the drama, the music (?!), and even Tom, who is called the best live show host ever. Even better than Seacrest! Well, that’s not a big feat. Neither is the next song from Avril, which sounds awful. Cheetah Girl Sabrina is brought back to dance for everyone as Avril squeaks out “Complicated.” I think Sabrina got more applause. No, I know she did. Avril gives a rude little golf-clap for Sabrina and Mark, who upstaged her. Ha.
We must be winding this thing down, as they decide to trot out the “it’s been so tough” interview clips from each of the stars. Sigh. Tom finally announces the next couple that is safe: Mel and Maks. Yay Maks! Oh, and Mel, too. *ahem* This leaves Jennie and Helio to sweat it out on stage as we go to commercial number 5,793. I can really do without seeing that gross little Mucinex blob guy. Seriously.
Finally, it’s time. After Tom and Samantha have wrung all the drama possible out of the waiting, we learn that our bootee of the night is....Jennie. Boo! The crowd rises to give them a standing ovation, and Jennie tells us that she’s gotten much more self-confident and is happy to have had the chance to be on the show. Now she gets her wish to be back with her family, I suppose. Of course we get her requisite “journey” video before Jennie and Derek dance off into the sunset.
So, is your favorite still in it, or are you just watching to see how long the Osmond steamroller will keep going? Check out the finals with us next week to see which star's fans have the fastest fingers....
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Originally Posted by waywyrd;2688412; 
Excellent recap, way!!
