Yes, the war is over! Unfortunately, there are many casualties. Many viewers fell as they realized the talent showcased equals that of a high school theater group that can’t carry a tune in a bucket. Others dropped as they tired of Bruno’s screeching critiques and Carrie Ann’s condescending tone. However, many of you stayed true to the cause. To those of you who have soldiered through, I give you back your Monday nights. Victory is ours!
From High School Musical to Vegas, Baby
What can we expect on this finale night? Of course, a winner will finally be crowned in this pseudo-battle. Either Team Bruno or Team Carrie Ann will walk away with a Hollywood Records contract. But first, Drew tells us that he’s been inspired by the dancers and forced by producers to perform live. Right! He has done more in his career than win
that useless disco ballthe DWTS trophy in season 2. Once upon a time, he was also a boy bander so he can sing and dance a bit. Also tonight, and quite possibly the reason for so many finale night viewers, the upcoming cast of DWTS will be revealed. “Ballroom Dance Expert” Kenny Mayne is there with Jerry Rice and Lisa Rinna for the big announcement. Kenny looks the part of a cross-dressing ballroom dancer with all of the stage makeup he’s wearing. Seriously, one cannot be a Ballroom Dancing Expert without sparkling blue eye shadow. It’s a must!
We’re now to the part of the show following the introduction where the entire season is recapped in a nice little edited package for us. We’ll skip right over this little regurgitation. If you’ve stuck with this entire debacle, you shouldn’t risk what’s left of your sanity by watching it again. And if you’re one of those casualties that bailed early and you’re only tuning in tonight to see who won, just remember : This is why you bowed out in the first place.
Now that we’ve been reminded of the grueling audition process, Bruno and Carrie Ann’s visions for their super groups, the countless hours of sacrifice and intensive training, and a rundown of each week’s performances, we can move on to the real filler. Performing “Steppin’ Out,” Drew takes the stage with Team Bruno and Team Carrie Ann. It’s not bad actually. Instead of a high school production, it’s more like a Las Vegas lounge act. That’s quite an improvement. Perhaps Drew should have been singing and dancing with them all along.
Over twenty minutes into the show and Bruno and Carrie Ann finally make their usual entrance. Bruno is grateful and excited over their first win last week. Tonight, they plan to entertain us. Now there’s a novel idea. Why on earth didn’t they think of that back at week one? We wouldn’t have so many fallen comrades. Bruno would love for his team of “talented individuals” to win but it’s all in America’s hands. Team Carrie Ann was devastated after their first loss last week but Carrie Ann says they pulled it together to give America a great finale performance. She hopes her team wins because they’ve given it their all.
Walking All Over Again
After an exciting first win, Bruno feels his team needs a little relaxation. He gives them a day to just frolic in the pool and bask in the sun. Lacey even has the boys go underwater to see who can hold their breath the longest but admits it’s just to keep them quiet for a little while. The day of fun is soon over and it’s back to the studio. Bruno is seeking to create a new all singing, all dancing American pop group. He doesn’t want to imitate anything else out there but to develop his own style. Tonight, they’re performing “These Boots Are Made For Walking” again. Bruno hails it their best performance and is confident they’ve improved since then. Zack, Kelsey, Lacey, and Phillip take the stage for their encore performance. The Daisy Dukes, red boots, and cowboy hats are back! If I’m being honest here, I must confess I don’t actually remember the first time their boots were made for walking; but I’m sure this time was just as good, if not better. Yeehaw! Grand Ole Opry, here they come! Bruno thinks they’ve not only improved but blossomed. According to him, Kelsey has transformed herself before their eyes. Lacey has become a class act. Zack, who is incredibly gifted, now has sex appeal. And Phillip is one in a million and can do anything he sets his mind to do. Carrie Ann was blown away by Kelsey and says Jessica Simpson has nothing on her! Kelsey chimes in about how amazing and fun the ride has been. They’ve all grown closer and she wouldn’t trade her experience for anything. All together now…Awwww!
Although Team Carrie Ann sizzled their way through Latin night, one of them had to be sent home. It was a heartbreaking decision but in the end, Alyssa was out. The team was crushed since they’d all become so much like family. For their encore performance tonight, Carrie Ann has chosen “Papa Was A Rolling Stone.” She feels it’s the performance that defined them as a group. In the beginning, Carrie Ann’s vision for her team was to have six unique individuals from diverse backgrounds and combine them into one super group. She feels they’ve accomplished just that and it’s nothing short of magic. They take the stage and damn, I hate to admit it, but I don’t remember this one either. I swear I was watching. I’m not a casualty of Bruno and Carrie Ann’s war. After the performance, Carrie Ann is beside herself with giddiness. She feels her team started this “incredible journey” quite raw but they’ve grown and learned who they are as individuals and as a group. Bruno was impressed with how engaging and entertaining they were. He feels it was twenty times better than the first time around. I’m sure he’s right! Elizabeth says the best part of this experience is the friendships they’ve made. They plan to be a part of each other’s lives
until they board their planes for homeforever. Once again…Awwww!
My Latin Remedy
The wait is over. Drew sends us to DanceCenter where the so-called experts are waiting to give us the big Dancing With The Stars reveal. Sorry, but before I go on, I must once again comment on Kenny’s makeup. It’s hideous and someone backstage in makeup must be playing a cruel joke on Kenny. Either that or they need to be standing in the unemployment line come tomorrow. Now for that big announcement! The first three celebrities on the season six of Dancing With The Stars that premieres March 17th are :
- Marlee Matlin - 1st deaf actress to ever win an Academy Award
- Penn Jillette - magician and one very tall dude with big feet
- Marissa Jaret Winokur - Broadway star, Toni Award winner with big hair
And since giving us all of the names at one time is just too damn easy, the others will be revealed later in the show.
Earlier in the week, Team Bruno recorded a song called “Fallin’ In Love” with Hollywood Records to get a taste of what it will be like should they win. The team was nervous but loved the experience. Afterwards, Bruno surprised them with a copy of the CD. They were excited and surprised to hear themselves. Of course, the pressure of the competition is setting in. A win will change their lives! Team Bruno takes the stage once more to perform their recorded single, a Dance War original. History in the making, folks, and you were a part of it. Something to tell the grandkids about, no?
Back to DanceCenter and our panel of experts *cough, cough*, for the next revelation of C,D,E, and F-listers to appear on the next season of Dancing With The Stars. Without further ado, they are…
- Adam Carolla - comedian and co-host of “The Man Show”
- Kristi Yamagughi - figure skater and Olympic gold medalist - early favorite to win
- Cristian De La Fuente - Who cares who he is or what he does? He’s smoking hot! Without Maksim on the show this time around, I need smoking hot to delay the onset of my withdrawal symptoms.
- Monica Seles - tennis champion with nine grand slam titles
- Mario - R & B singer
- Steve Guttenburg - actor who is terrified of dancing
Team Carrie Ann also experienced what it would be like as a super group as they hit the recording studio to record their first single, “Come With It.” According to Carrie Ann, it’s a little bit hip hop, a little edgy and approachable. In rehearsals, Carrie Ann’s team has been a little scattered now that the voting is over. She keeps pushing them because debuting their new single live is a huge deal and she wants them to be ready. Their live performance excites Carrie Ann so much that she runs onstage as soon as soon as the song ends to hug her team. She’s so proud of her team and the way they’ve developed their own chemistry. Bruno loves their vibrance and energy.
Big Feet Means Big Shoes, Of Course
Time for one final trip to DanceCenter for the remaining three celebrity dancers. Don’t fret. I’m sure Kenny and the crew will be back for commentary on Dancing With The Stars. They are the experts, after all. So, the final three wannabe ballroom dancers are…
- Jason Taylor - pro football player with the Miami Dolphins and more eye candy to lesson those Maks withdrawals
- Shannon Elizabeth - actress voted Maxim’s “hottest woman in the world”
- Priscilla Presley - actress formerly married to Elvis Presley sure to provide plenty of material for snarky viewers such as myself
So there you have it, dance fans. Be sure to tune in March 17th for the premiere of Dancing With The Stars, season to see
the smoking hot Latino move those hips if you can guess how many plastic surgeries Priscilla has hadif these people can really dance. Naughty Bruno notes that all of the men have big feet. I’ll avoid the obvious pun here but something tells me Bruno is going to need a cold shower after the premiere.
Because we haven’t suffered enough loss in this war, Team Bruno and Team Carrie Ann perform together one last time. They’re dressed like Solid Gold dancers and give an original performance of “One Night Only” that brings Bruno and Carrie Ann to their feet. Finally, the battle is over. After over 1,000 hours of training and 40 live performances, the winner of the first season of Dance War is…..whoa, hold on! Did Drew just say “the first season? Surely that doesn’t mean an upcoming season two. I’ll need a padded room and strait jacket if that happens. Or a season’s supply of Vodka. I suppose the one good thing about that is Drew still has a job. Oh right, the winner is.....Team Bruno!!! Bruno is speechless but only for a second and his team is over the top excited. Now, rush over to abc.com and download their new single.
What color eye shadow do you think Kenny should wear? PM me.