NOTE: If there are any TV writers reading this recap, please go back to work…NOW! I mean seriously, it’s been almost three months already. I’m all for you getting the money you deserve but I’m no longer willing to sacrifice my personal entertainment. Since you aren’t writing brilliant material to pump up the networks’ ratings, they’re desperate. So desperate that television addicts like myself are left with no choice but to watch cheesy filler shows such as Dance War: Bruno vs. Carrie Ann. If you’d just return to work, these subpar attempts at entertainment would surely get the axe and we’d once again have satisfactory options. Otherwise, we’re stuck with this mind-numbing dance show or reruns of Knight Rider, and I just can’t handle the Hoff.
All This Aggravation Ain’t Satisfactioning
Tonight, teams will perform live for the first time. It’s also a big night for the viewing audience, all 3 of us with nothing better to do on a Monday night. At the end of the show, we can vote for our favorites and if the show isn’t cancelled by next week, Bruno or Carrie Ann will eliminate a member. But first, Drew tells us we need to take a look back at what brought our teams to this point. If he’d just told us how long that look back would take, I could have grabbed a snack, took a nap, painted my bathroom, and donated a kidney. Seriously, does it take that long to recap? Talk about cream filling! A third of the way in, the show finally begins. Bruno and Carrie Ann are introduced and join their teams onstage. They’re both pumped up and Bruno promises a surprise. Hollywood producers pulling their heads out of their asses and paying writers so the WGA can call off this strike and give us some quality entertainment before we all go mad. Now that’d be a good surprise!
Team Bruno checks out their new digs, a studio painted bright red. Bruno tells them it’s red hot just like them. They get right down to business and start rehearsals. Phillip is forced to sit back and watch since he lost his voice. Bruno is concerned that Phillip has already burned himself out so he has the vocal trainer work with him. When they take the stage, Team Bruno butchers Elvis Presley’s “A Little Less Conversation.” Zack is the only one who is close to the right key. They did have Elvis’ signature hip-gyrating moves down. I’ll give them that much but overall, the red hot Team Bruno fizzled out. Bruno must be drinking because he thinks they nailed it. He admits he was wrong about Phil’s voice because he delivered. Carrie Ann is impressed with how slick and sophisticated they are but warns them to look out. She plans to bring it!
Carrie Ann tells us that she believes in her team because they’re such a diverse cross-section of humanity. Hee. She plans to kick some Bruno “boo-tay” so her team gets busy. They meet in their studio and she puts them on the spot asking them to sing the song she’d given them the night before. The girls can’t remember all of the lyrics and hard ass Carrie Ann lets them know she expects perfection. Their first live performance is a hip hop routine to Chris Brown’s “Run It.” It was reminiscent of the hip hop scene at the end of Sister Act 2. Only not as good. Perhaps Carrie Ann should don a habit or see if Whoopi is available for the next show. There was a technical problem with Chris’ microphone but he kept performing and Carrie Ann feels they brought it. Bruno thinks their performance was safe and would have liked to seen more content. He wants to see some dancing. Carrie Ann argues that they’re performers and don’t need a lot of steps to win the audience over. Forget about the fact that this is a dance competition, Carrie Ann.
Team Building 101
A choreographer is brought in to whip Bruno’s team into shape. She has them power walking, doing sit-ups, and team building exercises. Because sitting in a circle saying mushy things about each other evidently makes you a better singer and dancer. Who knew? Kelsey gets frustrated working with the vocal trainer to get her note. After a good cry and more practice, she finally gets it. The team hits the stage once more with an Asian hip-hoppy rendition of Rihanna’s “S.O.S. (Rescue Me)” that was even worse than their first performance. The girls were very pitchy and the dancing was sloppy. Bruno, of course, loves it. He feels it was sleek and sexy. Carrie Ann was once again impressed but felt they were more like an exceptionally talented chorus. She doesn’t feel Bruno brought out their best. Bruno disagrees and promises that this is just the beginning. Oy vey. Please writers, go back to work!
Over at Team Carrie Ann’s studio, she’s confident her team consists of six people who could take the lead at any time. Although their performance is a little raw, she feels they’ll soon be unstoppable. After an intense workout with a choreographer, Carrie Ann is still a little disappointed in her group. She brings them together for a chat where she asks them how they feel. Bradley feels he’s letting the group down. Carrie Ann senses a vibe of uncertainty in the room and reminds them it’s going to be an emotional road. She pulls Mariel aside and tells her she is the soul of the group. Mariel feels she’s actually the weakest link because she’s not a dancer. Carrie Ann allows her to call her grandmother to give her some encouragement. She thinks if Mariel channels her emotion in the performance, she’ll be phenomenal. Team Carrie Ann does Blondie’s “Call Me.” The song features the girls who have decent voices but is still lacking in the talent department. Carrie Ann is ecstatic over their performance. She found them strong and sexy. Bruno was equally impressed and compliments the girls on their vocal ability.
Both teams appeal to the viewers to remain in the competition. Bruno feels his group has incredible talent. They all feel as if they’re living a dream and can’t imagine going home. In their minds, they have what it takes to make a “super group.” Carrie Ann’s kids are her dream team. They feel like a family and hope that America sees their collective talent and votes for them to stay in it.
Settling For The Hoff
Because we haven’t been tortured enough, the teams give a joint performance of Queen’s “Don’t Stop Me Now.” Somewhere in the hereafter, Freddie Mercury is pissed. In spite of his theatrical quirks, he must be looking down(or up) in disgust at this pitiful display. It looks like a high school theater group performing a number from a wannabe remake of Grease. Thankfully, the fast forward button on my remote works well. I don’t want to be haunted unforgivingly by Freddie’s ghost for watching.
So there you have it…an hour and a half of inhumane treatment to devoted reality TV fans. Once again, I appeal to you television writers to please go back to work. Our very sanity is threatened every week you remain on strike. Just imagine what will happen in 3 weeks if this show reaches a finale! Bruno will spontaneously combust from all of the excitement and we, the faithful viewers(all 3 of us), will need hypnosis to erase the cheesy high school musical-like performances from our memory banks. And the psychiatric treatment that will be required if we succumb to those Knight Rider reruns? It’s going to cost us much more in the long run than you stand to lose by going back to work.
Disgruntled enough to cross the picket lines with me. Send me a PM.