No! There is no nude Tommy or comedy in this recap. No nude celebrities yes there are here! Don't Look away! Read on! I said look away! READ ON!!!!! Look away! Okay, if you must, stay.
Welcome to the land of the Cut, and a mini-recap-that-is-so-not-really-a-mini-recap. Give yourself a break if you're only here for the non-existent look for the links! nude celebrity photos. I know that's what I came here for. But if you merely want a semi-factual, humorless, semi-cheeky, and sleep-deprived recounting of the show, please, stay. *kicks out padded ottoman for your buttock's pleasure* Mmmmm....cushy.
First up, is breakfast in the Soho loft. We're skipping details, we're skipping the bagel flavors, we’re skipping it all but one thing: Jeff is delusional. As crazy as a crackhead. He goes around yammering on about how everyone loves him. Apparently Tommy gave him oodles of credit last week for being god-like, and Jeff's soaking in it like Palmolive™ liquid, inappropriately (you'll see) assuming he's in like Flynn! More foolish, he could not be.
Soon, all aspiring designers meet Tommy in his collection store in NYC (btw, why does an adult male refer to himself as Tommy? End statement.) He tells them the joyous story of his making: he was once formed from a resin and poured into a mold. Actually, he and a couple of buddies opened a store and sold a bunch of bell bottoms. The store was uber successful, causing him to open another store and so on and so on and so on and so on! <---shampoo commercial echoes, complete with Brady Bunch like boxes. Anyhow, he eventually sketched some ideas he thought his customers would want to wear, and bingo bango, he was an instant fashion designer. And it all started with a wee little shop......and a dream! *cue black and white scrolling film, and 30's style, phonograph crackles*
The task this week: each group gets their own little hovel/store, with $3,000 in cash money to scrounge every hideous thing at Goodwill they can find. Wes practically has an orgasm while hearing this, as he runs a clothing store with reconstructive vintage designs. The peeps have all day long to prepare and sell, with their doors officially closing at one. Whichever store makes the most, wins.
Prior to sweaty good clothing time, it’s time to resort the teams. This time, the indifferent and icy cool Shauna gets to pick, as well as the Chihuahua faced Felix.
The teams: On Shauna’s wagon: Wes, Deana, Chris C, and Jeff and Rob.
On Felix’s wagon: (purple team): Liz, Jessica, James, Princess.<---never got to say it yet, but what a horribly pretentious name!
The weekly carrot: This week, the Weekly Carrot™ being dangled above their hungry, rabbity-good choppers is a five hour plane ride with Tommy to the Sundance film festival! Five our plane ride with Tommy? Reward or punishment, reward or punishment? *weighs hands* It’s a toss up. Each person will get a chance to schmooze with celebrities, thereby giving themselves the opportunity to completely destroy their reputations via awkward, inappropriate stories about monkey love, uncomfortable fawning, or self-conscious, Jeff-like self-mutterings.<---foreshadow. They’ll see the movie Happy Ending, which means nothing to me, but perhaps you want to note it. Both team leads end up deciding to go, much to the irritation and Hulk-like rage of their teams. Especially James, of team purple, who is especially Hulky. Felix’s whole deal behind all this is: when will he ever get five hours on a plane alone with Tommy ever again? The restraining order says: never.
The Tickety Tack Task. *starts to play the spoons* <--nonsensical heading
The big, bad, orange team leaps right to action, with Deanna taking charge and giving orders in record time. It’s decided that Jeff and Chris will work on the interior of the room, and Wes and Deanna and Rob will work on the inventory itself.
The purple team has no such drive. They spend precious time either lamenting the fact that Felix is dancin’ at Sundance, or standing around arguing about what to call their store. They settle on the lame: “Garment Gallery”, to make heavy use of the idea of doing nothing to the space. White walls, dank floor….hey, it’s not a hole, it’s a gallery! Pre-naming, James shouts at his people that they MUST care about the name! They must! The shouting surprisingly works. Not.
The Orange team, however, actually has some really kick ass ideas. They warm up their little store with a rosey glow on the walls, and multi-talented Chris C. decides to use copper piping for shelving. The name, however, is not one of the highlights. They leave things in Jeff’s hands, and he settles on: "Comme Undone", which to me, sounds like...well I'm not going to say. If you're disgusted, then hey, YOU are the sicko! I said nuzzing! <---Sergeant Schultz-like voice. Anyhow: bad name. Yep.
Soon it's time to decide on clothing. The orange team, with sassy-haired Deana and company, all pick button down shirts, jackets, and dresses to jazz up. The purple team, however, dilly dallies as precious time flies by, ticking off a disgruntled and impatient Princess. In the end, team purple goes with simple, i.e. read: do nothing/the bare minimum/hardly anything. Jeans and t-shirts. Originality: thy name is purple.
Through the task, Wes and Deana furiously sew sew sew and work their digits to nubs, while both decide Rob and his shirt-painting are useless. This does not stop Wes from jumping up and down like a merry squirrel, deciding that merchandise making is F-U-N! <---in cheer form. Meanwhile, on team purple, Jessica is ready to blow big chunks. Too ill to keep on keepin’ on, she gets more and more green until she sacks it on the floor in a rag doll stance, while Princess weeps from stress and forces someone to bring ginger ale.
Up next is the whirring of spinning clocks, the movement of tectonic plates, and the inexplicable scent of mint! <----lies/bizarre outburst. Both teams work tirelessly through the day to get their overpriced little hipster stores up and running. Both teams have problems, as Jeff of the orange team ends up barking at a contractor for letting the other team borrow a precious vacuum cleaner, and James of the purple team calls Liz a beyatch. Gooood times.
Sell Sell Sell Sell, Mortimer, SELL! <--Trading Places (not on TLC, check your useless Trivia, babies!)
After an all night rhinestone and bedazzlin’ fest, it’s time for each team to pimp their wares! Up to pimp-it first, is the orange team, because with that one extra member, they are soooo ready to bring it! They open their rosey glowing store first, with Deana and Wes inside to work the customers over with oily compliments and rump paddlings, while Jeff, Rob and Chris are sent outside to blindly promote, soliciting people on the street to come in and slip into something more comfortable.
Meanwhile, team pruple is so not ready, and James laments that they’ll do the best they can with a staff member down for the count. The orange team is ahead, and they're still sweeping the "gallery".
Soon it’s time for the obvious Tommy plants, this time in the form of Jamie Lynn Discala of Sorpanos fame, and Simon Doonan of Barney’s. While Deana sells it hard to customers with, “you need to look like this!” pointing out ugly, assorted, flowery costume party garb, Wes greets Jamie as if he knew her from back home, and actually believes he does. Jamie thinks the store rules, but is irritated that there are no price tags on anything. Deana thinks the whole, no-pricing thing is cool. Simon Doonan arrives and also dislikes the no-pricing thing, but thinks Deana’s dresses kick ass.
Nearby, in the wasteland renamed a “gallery’, Jamie Lynn visits and examines the ladders and strewn paint cans skeptically, while Doonan arrives to see all the employees jamming fast food in their pie holes, no one taking notice of Who He Is. *shhhh* This disgusts him. I think.
As the day progresses to the cut off time, both stores furiously try to lure gullible gits into their stores to purchase the sundry of ugly garb. Jeff and Rob of the orange team hunt down girls, foolishly bringing in penniless teens at one point, and at another: scaring away a potential, curvy, female buyer with Jeff’s lurid ogling and cat calls of how HAWT she was in a tan little number designed by Deana, surprisingly with no ornamental stuffed buzzards or blooming silk hydrangeas attached.
In the end, it’s a mad rush as the underdog purple team tries to steal customers away from the orange, and the orange’s Wes decides desperately to give everything away at ten dollars per item. Princess hustles man-whores in her ho-like way, and in the end, orange thinks they’ve still got it in the bag. Do they? Buwahahaha!
Robert Redford Did Not Age As Well as I'd Hoped: i.e. Sundance
Choosing to stick it to their teammates, Shauna and Felix have escaped the rigors of resewn clothes by jet setting it with Tommy to Sundance. In their plush, non-paint-can-strewn limo, both pat themselves on the back and laugh with glee over the cleverness of choosing to
butkissadvance their careers with a little mano a mano with Tommy. The limo ride is also a glimpse into the ugly little premonition of things to come: Felix begins part 1 in his “I love skateboarding” lecture series. He cares not that the workload fell squarely on James’s shoulders. As these words escape his lips, somewhere, back in New York, the fuzzy headed James curses Felix to the grave. “Mothah #$@!” somehow echoes ominously in Felix’s head. Will this be his undoing? Buwahahaha! Felix is perfectly capable of hanging his own butt on the clothes line, thankyouvermuch.
Up next: the clothes line hanging. At the Premiere party for Happy Ending, starring Lisa Kudrow, a surprisingly still successful and omnipresent Tom Arnold, and Maggie Glyllenhall, best known for her friendship to Kirsten Dunst and her more famous brother, Jake, Felix begins to open his small, Chihuahua mouth wide, and jam his tiny size 7 feet in deep. Lisa asks if they’re designers: Felix talks about skateboarding. Jason Ritter talks about the movie: Felix talks about skateboarding. Felix talks about skateboarding: and Tommy’s eyes glaze over and we see Felix’s future go up in a puff of smoke.
The Style Room
It’s time for the poor recreation of the Apprentice board room, i.e. the “Style Room” *yawn, stretch, starts eating Doritoes* Tommy wastes no time by immediately firing into Felix for his obsessive skateboard yammering, saying Felix embarrassed him by talking too much about himself, something Tommy would NEVER do. <---barely veiled sarcasm. He blesses Shauna with moonbeams and clovers, and the store-as-a-gallery-idea is attributed to everyone.
Over on the orange team’s side, the team glows on about the goodness of Deana and Wes, while chastising Jeff for letting his “male energy” get too crazy. Deana comments on Jeff's aggressive ogling and fawning over the curvy female customer, while Jeff utters protest with a very witness-stand answer, “I didn’t know she was 17 your honor!”
Soon, to no one’s surprise, Doonan and Discala arrive, with sparklers in hand a set of 47 flaming rodeo clowns doing the moon walk. Both love the orange team better for the warm atmosphere and excellent service. The purple team is heavily criticized for the French fry eating and uggo space, save for Discala tossing out a few pitying compliments for the artful placement of the ladder.
In the end, the orange team wins by two hundred dollars, and all cheer. Yay.
Tommy immediately invites Felix and a surprised James into the pit. While the entire team attributes the loss of the challenge to the absent, skateboard obsessed Felix, and we think he’s about to go down, Tommy surprises us all by firing James, saying Felix has more promise, and James’s lack of leadership bugs him. Felix is still spanked for his poor choice to leave his peeps, but James still gets it.
On departure, James thanks Tommy for the opportunity and makes sure to tell everyone, through teary eyes, that they totally rock; he loves ‘em like his favorite binky! *sniff* Tommy calls James a gentleman, and all, especially Princess, weep upon his exit. James thought he would go long, and hopes to see all the peeps again in life.
Next week: Rock...and...roll...babies. Rock. And. Roll. We see the designers handling crazy, self-important rock start nobodies, all rough-housing and partying and trashing the studios. Tune in for lots of drunkeness. This includes the designers! <---forshadow.
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