Hi. You’re cute. Come here often? Can I buy you a drink? This is my first ever recap for Cupid. I had never even watched the show before. No, I’m not hitting on you. These are all just common lines that I’m sure you’ve heard recently. Like Cali before me, I’m hoping that I’ll be able to bring a fresh perspective to this, the final episode of “Cupid.”
Okay, so I’m new. I’m going to assume that I’m the only one – that all the rest of you are painfully familiar with our cast of characters, the concept of the show, and what’s at stake. Sadly, you probably even know how these people’s names are spelled, so you have me at a distinct disadvantage. Is it Lara or Laura? Frankly, if you care about such details I’m already screwed, so let’s get to the recap.
The show opens with a quick recap of who exactly is left. Our potential suitors are Dominic, a bartender who is the tender young age of twenty-two; Robert, thirty-five, an Austrian Fitness Model; Hank, who is twenty-five and I have no idea what he does; and Evan, whose age and occupation are a mystery to me. If only Cali hadn’t used the old “malfunctioning videotape” excuse last week. And I know you wouldn’t believe me if I told you that my dog ate the tape. Like I said, if you’re really into details, I’m screwed.
We see Lisa Shannon (who, by the way, is in my humble opinion, the most strikingly beautiful woman to ever grace the set of a Reality TV show. Something about the combination of that dark hair and blue eyes…but I digress. I mean, I’m still in parentheses here for goodness sakes) tell Hank last week “I most definitely choose you.” Wait a minute – “most definitely”? Just say “I choose you.” “Most definitely" is what a professional athlete says when asked “Are you ready for your opponent this week.”
Our host, Brian McFayden appears. I’ve never seen Mr. McFayden before (did I mention that I’ve never watched this show before?) but I’m instantly struck my his hair. Who goes to their stylist and says “I want a new doo. Make me look like a renegade Kewpie Doll.” The little man annoys me. He tells us that this week, we’ll find out who America picked, and find out if they’ll say “I do” or “I don’t”, and a million dollar dowry is on the line. This is news to me, which should surprise you. You since I’ve never, well, you know.
Next, our four potential grooms join Brian on stage. They’re all wearing tuxes and looking very dapper – pretty standard stuff for an reality dating show. But what’s this? They each appear to be carrying an arrow. Perhaps there will be a duel to the death. Could one of these men be the next William Tell? Shoot the apple off Lisa’s head and she becomes your bride. Miss, and well, let’s just say “ratings bonanza” and move along, shall we?
Laura and Kimberly arrive on stage and take their seats. Is their friend Lisa really supposed to be getting married tonight? Both ladies have chosen to wear elegant black evening gowns instead of a nasty bridesmaid dress. I hope bridesmaids all over the country will take this as their cue to rise up against the horror that is pink taffeta.
Finally, the lovely Lisa makes her entrance. She’s wearing a spectacular Ivory Vera Wang gown with a low back. Oh, who am I kidding, I don’t know fashion. I totally made up the Vera Wang thing. It could just as easily be a Wang Chung design.
We’re shown clips of how the Final Four spent their time at “The Cupid House” after last week’s show. I’m sorry, but if they want to marry Lisa (and if they don’t, they’re clearly bucking for a spot as a regular on “Queer Eye For the Straight Guy”) what on God’s Green Earth are they doing going to a brothel the week before America decides?!!! What’s that? Oh, the house the guys stay in is called “The Cupid House.” Well that’s just silly.
Back to the guys killing time. Evan suggests that they decide who should marry Lisa the old fashioned way; with a ping-pong tournament; the winner gets Lisa’s hand in marriage. And you thought my arrow theory was crap. Evan takes off his shirt and wears his necktie as a headband. I don’t know why. Dom beats Evan, and Robert loses narrowly to Hank. There must have been a round we missed, because somehow, this all means that Hank is the winner. Please tell me you don’t care, because I’m short on details here.
The First Funeral
Back to the studio. Our host (whose image I won at a carnival back in high school) asks Laura and Kimberly to reveal who they voted for last week. Both picked Hank. And with that, it’s time for our first elimination.
Brian asks the guys to stand next to him on the stage, and we’re shown clips of all four guys. Auditioning for Lisa. Going on dates with Lisa.
Robert apparently won the “Creepiest Date Ever” award from Kimberly, as he took Lisa to look at lingerie and then sprayed Tinactin or something all over a bra. I realize that the man smiles like Dudley Do-Right. Every tooth in the man’s mouth shines like a beacon; I fully expect the stage light to glint off of his teeth in a little star.
Dominic took Lisa to the zoo and wanted to play with the chimps. Odd that everyone thinks he’s immature.
It seems Evan has names for all his dates with Lisa. There was the “Karaoke Date”, the “Street Hustling Date”, the “Sleep Depravation Date”, and the “Fantasy Date”. Ah, yes, sleep depravation dates, always a winner.
Hank and Lisa obviously had fun on their dates. And we know that Lisa chose him. And that Laura and Kimberly chose him. Do we really think that America didn’t vote for Hank just to spite Lisa?
Dominic is the first contestant of the night to be eliminated. Brian takes Dom’s arrow and summoning every ounce of strength in his tiny doll-like hands, snaps it in two; apparently to keep Dom from using the arrow to harm himself or others.
Dominic tells the other three guys that “We’ll be friends for life.” Too young? He probably also told them “Stay cool”, “Have a great Summer”, and “See you in Geometry next year.” Young Dominic wishes Lisa well, and tells Laura and Kimberly that they think he’s too young to get married, and he agrees with them. So what – he was just here for the money? Wow, I can’t believe someone would go on a show like this just to win money and not really go to find true love. If I had a feather I’d knock myself over right now.
After the break, the next segment is devoted to meeting the six guys that were voted off previously. Brian calls them “The Broken Arrow Gang.” We’re shown six women in the audience who have won the match.com “Win a Date With a Reject” contest or something.
The first guy – Rob – says that he was surprised he was voted off first. He says that it’s because he wasn’t himself, and he’d like to introduce himself as Rob Lyles, or “Big Perm” as he’s known when he’s “representin’” Hermosa Beach. With that, he does some freakish backwards hop in which he thrusts his butt out repeatedly. I wonder if perhaps I didn’t hear him wrong and he’s actually known as “Big Perv.” Personally, I think he was voted off because he sounds like he’s got a family of frogs stuck in his throat.
Scott tells us that being on the show was completely out of character for him. But I trust that undergoing hair transplants is completely in character for him, because nobody has a hair line like that. Scott, you should have saved the money and bought a sports car. Of course, you still sort of have your hair, and I sold my Eclipse.
Ken tells us that America needs to understand that when Laura and Kimberly are seeing the dates on video in front of the audience, it’s the first time that any of the guys have seen themselves on their dates, too. Which seems weird, since they were actually experiencing the dates first-hand.
Joe didn’t bother wasting time on Lisa. Instead he hit on Laura, and went so far as to offer to make it a double wedding and marry her on the show. That, my friends, is confidence. Or insanity. Or desperation. Pick one.
There were two other guys there that I don’t really remember. One had big ears. Actually, they both might have had big ears, but one of them had this enormous mane of dark hair and he could have hidden his Rudolph’s Baby New Year ears in it. I’m sure Scott hates him with every fiber of his being.
The Second Funeral
It’s time for our second elimination. We learn that Laura has said there was sexual chemistry between Lisa and Evan. Brian asks “But will that be enough?” Evan says that he hopes so. Wrong answer, Ev. I would have gone with “I think we have an emotional and intellectual connection as well.” Simply admitting there’s nothing else there just makes you look like a guy going after some cheap thrills and a million dollars. Brian announces that Robert – and Hank – are safe. Evan asks Brian if he can break his own arrow, but heartless little bastard of a host insisted on breaking it himself.
And so it comes down the Robert and Hank. Brian asks Laura if she’s getting nervous about America’s choice. She says something like “I will be confident if they chose one, and I’ll be more confident if they didn’t chose one.” Okay, someone explain the rules to Laura, will you? They chose one. That’s sort of the whole point, honey.
We’re shown clips of Hank and Robert. How they feel about Lisa. How the girls feel about them. Hank and Robert bad mouth each other. Robert says “I’ll be back.” Okay, he didn’t really, but he and Arnold Schwarzenegger are both Austrian Fitness guys, so you’ll pardon my confusion. We see Lisa’s last chance to talk with each of them, and it’s made even more clear to us that she chooses Hank. Robert tells us in a clip that if he is selected, he will “honor America and the voters” and ask Lisa to marry him. If he loses the vote, I smell a recall election.
We see footage of Lisa and her friends as the chose a dress for Lisa. Nothing to add there. Oh, well there was a hideous lavender one that they thought looked like a prom dress. And one that was all cleavage. But the woman has class and taste, and she chose the perfect, elegant, understated dress.
The Third Funeral
Finally it’s the “Moment of Truth.” Millions of votes were cast, and America thinks the right man is… Hank. Robert unceremoniously exits Stage Left. I half expect Richard Dawson to show up as Robert is chased off stage by Dynamo, Subzero, and Buzzsaw. Sadly, my expectations are dashed on the rocks.
Hank and Lisa hug, kiss, and laugh. They actually look like a wonderful match, two people that are truly in love.With each other.
After the break, Brian tells us that we’ve got the nervous groom. They bring out Reverend Brock to perform the ceremony. Lisa’s dad escorts her to the alter and wishes Hank well, whatever his decision. The Rev asks him if he will take Lisa to have and to hold (lucky jerk) from this day forward, etc, etc. In a surprise move, Hank says that he adores Lisa. He thinks she’s special. He wants her to be able to pick all the details of their wedding. He wants her to have a Bridal Shower. He wants their marriage to be for the two of them and their families, and nobody else. He says he will marry her, but not on national TV. She smiles, and they hug again.
Clearly, Lisa thinks it’s pretty damned romantic that Hank just threw away a million dollars in exchange for having a more traditional wedding. Brian’s crestfallen expression tells us he doesn't agree. “When we come back, we’ll find out why he said no. I mean, he kind of explained it.” No, he explained it beautifully, and you’re just bitter that your show isn’t going to have a wedding to broadcast. Jerk.
We come back from break, and Brian has the nerve to ask if perhaps Hank thinks that since he’s always known the concept of the show, if perhaps he doesn’t “owe it to America to get married on TV.” What a complete ass. Hank handles the question with class, saying of his marriage to Lisa “I’m not going to cheapen it” by doing it on TV ad winning a million dollars. Lisa says that she met the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with, so in her eyes, the show was a success. I think she’s right. And I wish the happy couple well.
Brian tells us he’ll see us next season. You might, Brian. And by then Robert may have married a Kennedy and become Governor of California.
Care to fill me in on the details I missed? Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org