After last weeks premiere episode of CUPID I found myself looking forward to what kind of men New York and L.A. would have to offer. I also couldn’t wait to see what antics Laura had in store and what kind of men might crawl out of the woodwork. After seeing the girls in action last week I am convinced that they fit the definition of man-eaters. So with out further ado here is what the ladies who lunch and munch found on the man buffet this week.
The women of CUPID will be dining in New York this evening and as the show begins they seem rather hungry and are anxious to peruse the menu. The first man up to put his head on the chopping block is: Christopher, he enters with three dozen roses one for each of the ladies. Christopher has had a broken heart before and he shows Lisa his broken heart tattoo on his chest and says he wants to put her name in there to mend it. The whole time Christopher is talking huge chunks, yes I said chunks, of saliva are forming and flying from his mouth. The girls are gagging and retching and my appetite for all the yummy snacks I have ready for the show are of no interest. Laura takes this first offering and immediately snaps her fingers, waiter this is vile, greasy and take it away. Bye Christopher.
Next up we have Steve a 28 year old construction worker. Steve walks in and throws down! Literally he throws down two cardboard boxes. Steve then starts running around on them occasionally dropping to the ground and spinning. I am confused for a moment as are the girls. Is he a mute? Did the audition line form over the top of his home outside and he is showing them what happened? It is like he is trying to tell me something I just know it. Then the light goes on, he is break dancing! Because, break dancing is so important when trying to give a good first impression, if I had a dime for every guy who would have been the one had he only been able to spin on his back. Finally Steve speaks and he compliments Lisa’s teeth. Not her smile her teeth. Laura walks Steve out of the room.
I am getting a sense that New York put the audition flyers in the wrong place; I am thinking that the subway and the alleys were probably not the best place to post those things.
Zach 32 and unemployed walks into the room and asks if he can do his “ode to cupid” for the girls. Sure, they would love to see it. Again, I am at a loss for words and understanding as Zach removes his shirt, hides behind a chair, plays what can only be peek-a-boo with the women, jumps at them waving his arms and then again with the hiding and peeking routine. None of us get it, and Zach explains he is imitating cupid because people say he looks like a cherub as he tilts his head and dimples his cheeks with his fingers. Ok he has wildly curly hair and big blue eyes but other than that I am not sure. And I don’t think I would necessarily like a guy I date to look like a fat baby in a big diaper. I think removing his shirt and just plain being over the top goofy won out because the girls give him a passing vote. I am worried now and then I realize these girls must be ravenous and are willing to eat just about anything at this point.
Next we are treated to a few more items on the menu that didn’t get the nod actually they sort of got the nose wrinkle and the “we’ll pass thanks”.
There was the boxer man, a man doing some sort of dance and a guy who put a jar with his pet snail on the table. Then we have freaky Amish man as I like to call him. He comes in wearing overalls, an Amish beard and hat and says he wants a girl like his mom. Then he shows them his little friend, which is a Barbie, and makes her wave at them. Ok Hiram get back in your buggy and trot back to the farm.
After that we have Paul 32 an acting teacher. Paul wears a sad, sad, Easter bunny pink suit and has a cane. He comes in and does a sort of one man scene. Paul is pretty good looking and after the scene he asks Lisa to dance. The girls want him to at least take the suit coat off and he does and they like him, so they pass him as well. Again, I am thinking these women are getting desperate and they are beginning to think the kitchen is closing and they will take whatever the kitchen has left.
Greg, 31, is a stand up comedian he comes in with flowers then does a little something he put together. Let me just give you the “highlights” of Greg’s little act. It went something like: this is were the weak are killed and eaten, followed by him pointing at each girl and saying “ bitch, trophy, bitch” Lets just say the girls hurled his flowers back at him and sent him a flyin!
I LIKE MY MEN JUST A LITTLE ON THE TRASHY SIDE
Next up we have a montage of the angry, trailer trash, women hating men. They cuss at the girls, flip them off, verbally vomit on them, and call them white trash. They don’t even taste these guys they just go right in the trash.
So, I am beginning to think these girls are going to be anorexic by the time the show is over if we don't get some man meat in here soon. But, of course New York couldn’t just have losers.
Renda 24, a street hustler/poet, don’t ask me I didn’t know that profession was out there. Hey I live in the south and we shoot street hustlers here and well country music is our contribution to poetry. Renda is kind of slouchy and keeps playing with his mass of hair. He tells the girls his last name is Renda and if he passes he will tell his first name. This is too much for the girls to resist and they pass his cute self.
COMPLIMENTS TO THE CHEF
Personally I haven’t found any of the choices that appetizing yet, but then in walks Omar.
Of course I couldn’t resist thinking to myself I bet he is a tent maker. But much to my surprise he is a musician. I guess that would explain the guitar he brought with him. Omar is a real hottie. He has a smoldering Latin look about him with amazing dimples and a side sauce of hot body. As a side dish Omar can actually sing very well and the girls can’t get enough of him. After he sings his song Omar starts to talk and who knew this dish could get even better. He obviously has been sautéed, flambéed, because this boy’s smile is sizzling, his charm is smoking and he is on the menu as the chef’s choice tonight!
BUT CAN HE ACT?
Next we get the string of clips showing the men who think they have talent but they don’t. After one guy uses his entire time to sing and sing badly, Laura uses her time to tell him how stupid he is. Kim gets fed up with Laura and tells her to shut up. Food fight, food fight! The girls have a few moments of back and forth cat fighting then as Simon pops on the screen to tell us, he picked them because they act like they do in real life and in real life the friends fight.
New York’s dinner is quickly coming to an end and the girls must decide on dessert.
They chose Ben, 28 a physical therapist who does a Harlem Globetrotters act for his audition. And Scott who gives them a resume of himself and then does a sort of wrap/song that apparently Laura knows and so she eats him up too!
We start out in Los Angeles with a little local flavor to wet the girl’s appetite and there is a sax player a man covered in tattoos and various other circus freaks.
There has to be on in every group and we got one in LA. I missed his name, or you can think that I am afraid he will read this and come stalk me! He thinks women are gifts and now he wants to be a gift to Lisa. He has brought some items for them have as icons of his intentions. He starts to pull them out of his pockets. A globe so he can find her anywhere in the world, a fast car so he can get to her quickly, a computer so he can stalk I mean find her on the internet, and a little knight because he is her savior. The girls as him if he has ever been a stalker and he answers yes! Yes, the man said yes but just once! Ok bu-bye!
So if you thought that was freaky wait till you meet Spike. Yes, Spike. Spike likes to wear his gladiator suit and walk around. Spike is 48 and looks 60 and he looks like he is chewing gum the whole time he is talking. He tells the girls if they like him in the outfit they will love him out of it. Ok ewwwwww I mean just ewwwwwwww. Laura says thumbs down Pops.
HOW DO THEY GROW THOSE BOYS
Robert is a fitness model from Austria. Now if they ever need a guy to play a young Arnold this guy can do it. He has the exact I mean exact same accent and he is so beefy and cut up. He has a photo of Lisa and he says in that darling accent that he has fallen in love “wit hur peeture” and that now he is in love with her smile. He says his lucky number is seven and there have been so many sevens giving him signs that she is the one for him. Shannon says this is his lucky day because she was born in 77, “Oh my gawd” he exclaims! He is absolutely darling in that sort of big, puppy, doofy Arnold in his comedy movies way. The girls take him just eat him up! Welcome to Cupid Robert!
HORNY, CORNY, PORNY
Now as if the girls haven’t been insulted enough in walks Tranion and he just loves white women. The girls ask him what is the most romantic gift he has ever given a girl and he says a vibrator with his name on it! Awww honey you shouldn’t have! He asks if Lisa likes to watch porn because he likes to and he thinks that they could make their own movie. The girls say in unison “tempting but,…. No”
IT’S RAINING MEN
Montage time again, and LA’s montage is a tribute to men of all shapes and sizes. Men who strip, do push ups, flex, show muscles, flab and dance slapping their butts.
BRAVEHEART, MORTAL KOMBAT
Being as it is LA, they couldn’t skip the movie tribute either. So we have a guy in a kilt , t-shirt, and tennis shoes who plays the bag pipes, badly. He says yea he wouldn’t mind being married for a year or so.
Then we get a guy who walks in and does several minutes of either swatting flies or a scene from mortal kombat. The girls just shake their heads and he exits again swatting flies and punching.
SIR, YES SIR
I wondered if we would have any of our men in uniform and in walks Corey. Corey is a 1st LT in the Air Force. And he is a catch. Corey has a dazzling smile he is a rocket scientist and the girls take Corey with a resounding YES SIR!
TOUCH MY SWORD, BABY!
Scott , 32, is a teacher and brings in his wooden training sword. He wants to show the girls some of his training. Laura just wants to touch his sword. Oh Scott just let her touch it all ready. But, nope, Scott is not going to let her touch it. Scott explains he has a strong connection with the sword and no one can ever touch it! Do, you think Laura is going to let this go? A shoving match ensues and ends with Laura threatening to shove that stick up his butt!
LET’S ORDER ALLREADY
The girls are getting restless and they take the next bunch of men that come along we get to find out they are
Scott 25 looking for love, romance and travel
Mark, 22 a valet parker cute smile
Rob a sales rep whose grandma is the main woman in his life at this point
Evan a girls volley ball coach who is so nervous and shy but cute as can be and then
Dain. Dain is a TX Lawyer who brought in the clipping from the newspaper that made him tryout. He flew in all the way from TX to find true love and the girls love him. So with that the girls are as full as they can be and dinner is over!
Next week we get to see what dating Lisa is all about as the men stay in LA and try to win Lisa’s heart.