Munching on Men Cupid recap 1 7/09
Here I am snuggled on my couch, pen and paper in hand, glass of wine just in case and the remote. I am ready to see the premiere of CUPID. I am curious on many levels.
What can Simon Cowell do on his own? What new spin can be put on the single dating reality TV show? What exactly do you call a female version of Simon? Will I need more than one glass of wine to get through the show?
LET THERE BE A NEW DATING SHOW….
First Simon appears to introduce his creation. Simon makes a few attempts to be cheeky but I am thinking he is at his best when he is just himself. Simon is really not a funny guy. Simon explains that he has found a beautiful woman and they are giving her a million dollar dowry. The goal of the show is for one man to make it past her two best friends in an audition process, ahh I see bits of Simon influence here, and then have America play “cupid” by picking the right guy. Simon makes his best attempt at humor by holding up a rose and cutting it off at the stem as he says “the things these two girls do to men will make your eyes water”. Ok, lets introduce the rest of the players.
HOST WITH THE MOST
Now as much as Simon pretends not to like Ryan Seacrest I am amazed at the similarities between Ryan and Cupid’s host Brian McFayden. He is a young, cute, blonde hair streaked man. Instantly I think, as with Ryan, which team does he play on?
He wears fashionable, yet questionable clothing, and he has white shiny teeth. I like Brian he will be a good addition, sort of the softness to Simon’s hardness.
Cupid’s arrow will be aimed at Lisa, our bachelorette. Lisa is very pretty, and accomplished. She is from Detroit and has never been out of her hometown. Lisa explains she has had horrible luck in dating as she always picks the wrong man. Lisa has a great talent for writing jingles and this is what she does for a living. So far I like Lisa. Of all the reality bachelorettes this one is my favorite.
SNIP AND SNAP
Now we get to meet Lisa’s bookend girlfriends. Kim and Laura. It will be their job to weed out the “losers, freaks, and uglies” this will be “no soap opera, no violins, and no mercy” Both girls are attractive and fiercely loyal to Lisa. Laura is the realist and has had a hard time in life. She is Lisa’s hair stylist and divorced. I predict she will take out her rage for her ex – husband on the potential suitors. Kim is nice and works with Lisa, she is powerful and candid.
FEED THE LIONS
The quest to find fifteen men to then whittle down to one begins in Chicago. Since this is Simon’s creation it has an American Idol feel with the tour of various cities, possible contestants lined up outside, a thirty second audition and a three member panel of judges. Two out of three yes votes moves the contestant on to the next round. Obviously it’s a formula and it works. I will give you a little snack of what the buffet of men consisted of as I don’t want you to fill up on all the junk food that was offered to Lisa.
The Postman- first up is a postman loves beautiful women and Lisa is beautiful. The girls ask if he has any secrets and he reveals he is divorced. Sixteen years ago he quit drinking, gambling and lying. Uh waiter could you take this back to the kitchen? Laura, the hair stylist asks if his hair is real. Laura walks over and tugs the hair. The Postman has been outed; he admits it is hair club for men! Laura is good; she can spot a rug from thirty paces. Kim tells him he has got to be dreaming to think he could have a girl like Lisa and they all agree he should leave.
Superdan!!- You know that thread we have here at the FORT “bad bad pick up lines”, well a trend is forming and these guys have all been guilty of contributing content to that thread I am sure. Superdan, yes that is his name, one word, Superdan comes in the room with a friend/punching bag . Superdan strips down to his boxers, which are basically a large pair of superhero underoos, and begins to do some sort of martial arts, boxing display. He is grunting and hissing and making noises like a fifth grade boy wrestling with his buddies at recess. His big white gut is heaving and the girls pick their chins up off the floor and stammer for him to stop. Superdan, explains it is his goal to walk into a championship ring with Lisa on his arm. Oh he wants Lisa as a trophy the girls exclaim! Ding , Ding the bell sounds and it is a knock out as Superdan is sent flying from the ring.
Things are not looking good for Simon’s show here. At least with American Idol there are a few who can sing once in awhile. Simon is worried and tells the audience he can’t believe this is what Chicago has to offer. A montage of various applicants follows and I am thinking we are one dog face boy short of a freak show! This is what the various “men” of Chicago thought it would take to win Lisa in thirty seconds and here I will only give you a snack of these men as the meal comes later.
Wear a bird on your shoulder- buzzzzzzz
Stand then fall off a chair- buzzzzzz
Show that you shave all your body hair –buzzzzzzz
Don’t know your own age – buzzzzz
Play a kazoo, badly – buzzzzzzzz
Sing, badly, buzzzzzzzzz
Claim to be a jock – buzzzzzzzzzzz
Tell the girls you’re the guy on the front of romance novels – buzzzzzzzzzzzz
A LIFE LINE
Does the city of Chicago not have one man who is decent? Enter Dominic. Dominic is twenty-one and hot , hot, hot. Dominic brings a picnic and wine and roses. Wow, what’s in the basket? At this point I expect him to contortion himself into the basket and ask Lisa to join him in the love nest he has brought. But, Dominic has a surprise, he talks about how he has his masters degree, how he loves family and in fact, since Lisa has two important people along he brought two important women in his life too. Enter Dominic’s mom and little sister. Mom is as sweet as she can be and hey potential mother – in- laws should definitely be part of the interview process! His little sister is darling and it appears she has a mild handicap and absolutely adores her big brother as he does her. Did he rent these people? Could this man be more precious? Dominic is so proud of his family and it is important that the girls know this! Ding Ding we got a live one here! Big gasp of air and clear, jolt, shake and life is back in the show! Dominic welcome to Cupid the three gush and Dominic beams! I think dinner has just been served.
Next up we have a massage therapist, good idea bring a massage chair and work out the tension before you make your plea. Kevin starts working on Kim and talks about himself. He has never been married but he does have a daughter. Laura pounces on this like a chicken on June bug.. How often does he see her, does he support her, none of his answers are good and a fight breaks out. Laura is speaking up for abandoned children and single moms EVERYWHERE. She breaks out the soapbox and puts it on top of Kevin. Lisa and Kim wave pom poms and hold up banners , Kevin is doomed. Kevin won’t die quietly. Kevin keeps trying to defend himself but Laura is much stronger. Finally Lisa weary from the process begs them to make it stop. Creepy Kevin is sent on his way!
THREE TIME OFFENDER RULE
Remember the hair club for men postman? Well, he just hasn’t had enough. He wants the girls to pick their teeth with his bones! He comes back for a second round after thinking that he didn’t present himself well the first time and well, he thinks the second time will get him a homerun. Not even peanuts and crackerjack there mail guy. The girls lead him in a rousing chorus of take me out to the ball game and well one, two , three strikes your out! And we are not talking a homerun, we are talking ejected from the game!
Well, Chicago isn’t looking very good. So far we have only sifted out one guy with all the criteria. But the times they are a changing! In fact the next three guys make the cut! But just what cuts are they?
Take a look;
Ken , oh Ken as in Barbie and Ken. Yep tall, muscular, well dressed good sound job, wants a family! Welcome to Cupid the angels chime! Prime rib this one.
Joe- not Joe Blow, but Joe the real-estate developer, with his entire large family in tow just to vouch for what an amazing guy he is. I am impressed with Lisa and the girls here because Joe is not the beef cake/eye candy that Dominic and Ken are but your average, stocky, bald guy with a great personality. The girls think he is adorable and he is ushered into the next round. Grade A chuck I am thinking, but don’t think that is a slam a girl loves a great burger once in awhile.
Hank- 26 options trader, very handsome brings a picture of himself as a boy when he caught a shark. Hank immediately offers up info on himself, his family and anything the girls want to know. Lisa want to hug him, (and pet him, squeeze him, call him George) because he is sooo cute and of course rounds out the man meal so nicely. Hmm not a bad filet here either.
FRUITS AND LOOPS
Miami is the next town to give man meal offerings to our love goddess’. Lets, start by giving you the offerings that end up being slammed down by the lovely Laura and Kim.
First we have a man who hasn’t had a date since 1983 and is having a hard time keeping his teeth in while he is talking, he is the grounds keeper for the Orange bowl and to these meat eating lions he looks like vegetarian stir fry. Uh bu-bye!
Jose-is a singer brings his own CD and as he swaggers in and strikes a pose he claims he is there to be Lisa’s Spanish lover! The girls claim this is not a soap-opera and ask if his accent is real! Rico-suave in his best Ricky Ricardo voice sings a few lines of a song he wrote and strikes yet another end of scene soap opera pose and claims he is not fake. Adios amigo’s not in the mood for guacamole.
Next up there is the Dancing guy, weird eyebrow man, man with iguana, short man, tarot card reading man.
Finally someone interesting, I call him 80’s man. This guy is in his best white Miami Vice suit with the pink shirt and all. Best thing he has going for him is his , I practiced this look in the mirror, face when the girls reject him.
Then there is Mican an art auction manager who in his pimp suit and big shell necklace brings Lisa a fake flower lei and tries to read a poem. He then wants the girls to get past the “ stigmata” uh what? Stigmata? Stigmata, Laura keeps trying to ask. Yes, stigmata. Mican never gets out what he wants to say as the girls give him a brief Webster’s definition lesson. Mican leaves the room baffled slurring over and over stigma, I meant stigma.
Well, Miami is sure offering up a lot of fruit and nuts to our girls but that is not enough to sustain their hearty appetites the she devils are getting hungry I wonder if Miami is strictly an appetizer town or if there will be any main courses.
I only had to wait a few moments longer and dinner was served. Nate, 23 University of Miami graduate and former football player enters the room. Well, what have we hear. Nate has that shaggy, skater, beach boy thing going on and oh look he is showing the girls his National Championship ring. They don’t get to keep it, awww but he didn’t forget them he brought them a little after dinner treat. It is a poster of the U of Miami football team bare-chested. Nate has his real estate license loves family and while Kim and Laura are on the fence Lisa is licking her chops. I learn that she has pick him body language and she is screaming pick him! Welcome to Cupid Nate! Nate is quickly devoured.
Just as the girls are thinking about seconds in walks Paco. Paco 25 is a spicy dish with a little tattoo sauce on the side. He has brought his mother and a friend I think it is a guy under the hair and hat. Paco’s mom is proud to show Paco’s first tattoo a portrait of her under his arm with beloved mother as the title. She says how he is ready to be married and will make the best father and husband. The girls are ready for a little zestiness and welcome Paco too.
As the day is beginning to get long Darren the chiropractor enters the room with his adjustment table and announces he is about to turn on Lisa’s power. Laura doesn’t miss a chance to take a taste of Darren and starts chewing on him with your arrogant and your surgeon didn’t do a good job, you dress poorly, chomp chomp, rip, and chew. Darren’s mother walks in and says that is just not nice and Laura takes a big bite of her exclaiming you look like you have the same bad plastic surgeon as your son.
Men are literally in the lobby crying and bleeding from the ass chewing they are receiving from these women. I wondered at first what was up with all these men bringing their mommies and well now I can see that they need them.
I’M A BITCH
At this point in the show I get the answer to my question, what do you call a female version of Simon? An entire montage of Laura done to the song I’m a bitch follows. I see Laura shouting at men, pushing them, throwing their flowers back at them. Laura laughs at carnations, smirks at suits, men’s height, and hair, gifts everything she can see and some she can’t. This is one tough girl. I did wonder what she was wearing, she looks great, pretty girl, but I still am wondering if she had on an afghan and heel for the show. Laura is not one to sugar coat anything. At best Laura will coat it in hot sauce and serve it up blackened if she doesn’t like the guy being offered up for Lisa’s choosing.
Ok so our man eaters have sustained on kazoos, lizards, chiropractors, pimps, Latin lovers and various other artists. They have had six good bites and are definitely hungry for some real man meat.
ENTER THE DOG FACE BOY
Scott is the next lamb to be put on the pit. Scott is a wander guy; he wanders around the world doing extreme things. This was obviously the next extreme thing on his list. He starts by showing the girls his various photos of himself in exotic locations doing exotic things. As the women try to question him about his desire to settle down, Scott runs at the mouth ignoring their questions and keeps showing photos of himself, Scott on a bike, the Amazon, Antarctica, mountain climbing, mountain biking. The girls ask him to leave. He won’t go. No there is more he wants to show more photos. Laura says ok let me see your photos and begins to tear them up. The host of the show enters and asks Scott to leave, Scott still insists there is more and does a handstand for the women, his shirt flies up, things fall out of his pocket. A security guard enters the room. I am sure he would have escorted Scott out of the room but I don’t think he knew if he should cuff his ankles and make him walk on his hands. Scott is now clapping his feet in the air. I kid you not this happened. Eventually, he returns to the upright position picks up his belongings and stalks out. In the lobby Scott is pissed, he keeps saying so. He just missed his real chance to get married. Well, I am thinking he isn’t about to miss a ride in a squad car.
Darren enters the room as a 28 yr old trader from London. A charming guy Darren he loves animals and babies and is looking for the perfect woman to settle down and have children. Darren, chomp, chomp, gulp, swallow, welcome to Cupid!
Whew, the women are patting their stomachs and wiping their mouths. This has been quite the meal. I will look forward to next week when the women take their appetites to see what New York and Los Angeles have on the menu. Watch out men their fangs and claws are sharp.
-- SillyMamma (who absolutely loved the show)
very funny recap of a pretty darn funny show, FG
This part was hilarious on the and in your description.
Who knew Chicago was a better place to go on a "man hunt" than Miami?
Laura doesn’t miss a chance to take a taste of Darren and starts chewing on him with your arrogant and your surgeon didn’t do a good job, you dress poorly, chomp chomp, rip, and chew. Darren’s mother walks in and says that is just not nice and Laura takes a big bite of her exclaiming you look like you have the same bad plastic surgeon as your son.
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Very funny stuff, FG!
Loved all the great expressions like the "Laura pounces on this like a chicken on June bug...and "Laura will coat it in hot sauce and serve it up blackened if she doesn’t like the guy being offered up for Lisa’s choosing."
The show sucks so far, but you've captured it well.
Fantastic recap, Firegirl! Very funny, and your observations are right on the money.
I actually found myself enjoying this first episode of Cupid, despite having recently felt a little burnt out on "reality" romance shows. I liked that it incorporated one of my favorite aspects of AI (the brutal gauntlet of auditions) into the hoary dating show formula. I'm definitely interested in seeing where the show goes from here.
Thanks for the wonderful, recap, FG. Looking forward to the next one!
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Those girls on the show are bimbos. They are on the show because they are too ugly to get a guy. Those guys just want to be on TV. I bet they would dis those bitches in a heart beat. Wow. They think being another Simon Cowell is going to push them into 15 minutes of fame. Heck, they are idiots who can't even make witty comments like simon just cruel ones.
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Pretend this is witty.
firegirl, loved your recap. Very thorough, and hilarious too! Found myself enjoying the show despite myself, and I'm looking forward to the next episode. And your next recap!
Great recap FG . I'm not sure whether I'll watch another show, but I won't miss your recaps
Originally Posted by FG
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