“But I Got An ACE, KING, TEN!”
Celebrity Poker Showdown – Game 5 Recap
Greenie: Hello all! This is the final chance for celebrities to earn a spot in the $250,000 Cingular Wireless final round. Tonight’s lucky contestants are HBO’s David Cross, the lovely Princess Leia herself, Carrie Fisher, gross-out comedian Tom Green, accomplished actress Mimi Rodgers, and Creed’s lead singer Scott Stapp. We have a wide range of players tonight so things could get interesting. Kevin Pollack comes out to start the show and does another one of his Christopher Walken impersonations. Is that the only impersonation he can do? If so, he needs to stop.
Zhora: No kidding. His impression isn’t that great, but even if it were…It’s not like Christopher Walken has won the World Series of Poker or anything. I can’t even think of any Vegas casino movies he’s been in. But enough of my ranting, please continue Greenie.
Greenie: Maybe he’s just obsessed with Christopher Walken. Anyway, the players walk out to the table and the first thing we notice is David is wearing a yarmulke on his bald head which is somewhat interesting. Mimi, although quite possibly the oldest player here, looks the best out of everyone. After explaining the rules of the game, Kevin sits down with poker expert, Phil Gordon, and they share some horribly scripted banter again and then we’re off.
Zhora: I’ve heard the show has been picked up for a second season Greenie. Maybe the producers will spend the extra dough to get some decent writers for Kevin and Phil. Those crappy scripts have got to be just as painful to read as they are to listen to. OK, it looks like we’re ready for action now. It’s time to Shuffle Up & Deal! Mimi starts off the night with a pair of 5’s. She raises the blinds by $500. Tom folds. Scott calls Mimi’s bet with his 8[img]h.gif[/img] 9[img]d.gif[/img]. David has big slick and I’m curious to see how he plays it. He raises the bet to $1,100. That’s enough to make Carrie fold, and it drives out Mimi too. Scott either really likes his 8-9 offsuit or he thinks David is bluffing, because he reraises another $1,000. David calls and we’re going to see a flop. 9[img]c.gif[/img] 3[img]d.gif[/img] J[img]c.gif[/img] flops giving Scott a pair of 9’s, but offering no help to David. David still likes his A-K though, and bets out $1,500. Scott calls him. The turn brings 6[img]s.gif[/img], no help. David bets $1,500 again, Scott calls and we’re on to the River. It’s an 8[img]c.gif[/img], giving Scott 2 pair. David bluffs at the pot by betting $1,100. Scott raises it to $2,200. David calls with his ace high. What the hell was that?!? Either he thinks Scott was bluffing, or he thinks Scott is a raging idiot. I guess we’ll see as the night goes on. Now that he’s won the first hand, Scott stands up and pumps his fists like he’s just won the Super Bowl. Just imagine what we might see if he manages to win this thing. Oh, hey, whatdaya know…it’s time for Scott’s bio. Scott Stapp is playing for With Arms Wide Open Foundation. *fills the room with laughter*, I’m sorry, that is just too funny. How philanthropic of him to name a charity so that every time it’s mentioned, it’s like free advertising for his hit song. He tells us he’s been playing cards since he was a freshman in college…spades that is. He goes on to say, “I’ve never lost at anything in my life, so…I win!” OK, where’s that silver chip then? Tell Kevin to hand it over to Scott and we can all get the Hell outta here. Not.
Greenie: Wow, Scott seems a little overconfident here. Maybe he’s just trying to play it up for the crowd. Tom has Q[img]h.gif[/img] 3[img]h.gif[/img] and feels pressure from the audience to play so he raises $400 and gets cheers from the crowd. Too bad, that’s a horrible hand to raise on. Scott throws his hand away. David has 9[img]c.gif[/img] 10[img]s.gif[/img] and aggressively raises $500. Carrie has the better hand with J[img]c.gif[/img] K[img]s.gif[/img] and calls. Carries doesn’t seem to have much of a clue here. Mimi folds and Tom calls the raise. The Flop comes down 8[img]s.gif[/img] Q[img]c.gif[/img] 8[img]c.gif[/img] and David yells “F$#@!” Even though he has a possible inside straight draw. Carrie likes the flop and bets $300. Tom has the best hand with two pair and raises to $500. David and Carrie call. The Turn comes 7[img]c.gif[/img] helping David with his straight draw. Carrie bets $300 bluffing with her King high. This makes Tom fold his two pair though not liking the flush draw out there. David calls. The River brings K[img]c.gif[/img] giving both a flush with Carrie having the higher flush. This time she bets $500 and David tries to buy the pot by raising $1,500. To his surprise Carrie calls. Carrie wins the pot with her flush. Let’s take this opportunity to get to know Carrie a little better. She is playing for Midnight Mission. She guesses she learned from her stepfather since he was a compulsive gambler and once lost three million dollars on one hand. Do you know who her stepfather was, Zhora?
Zhora: Hmmmm…nope. I know Debbie married a couple more times after Eddie left her for Liz, but I don’t think either of the step-daddies were well known actor types. If he’s watching tonight, I’d like to personally invite the guy to lose three mill at my next home game though.
Greenie: I’ll expect an invitation to that, Zhora. Carrie says she’s not familiar with Texas Hold ‘Em so this should be an interesting night for her. She’s good at bluffing though from all the years of pretending she wasn’t loaded all the time. She kind of sounds a little loaded tonight; nonetheless she’s made her way up in the chip count.
Zhora: David takes this opportunity to completely stop the poker action and give a really stupid speech. He concludes it by telling us that he accidentally grabbed his unlucky yarmulke from the drawer, so he throws it aside with a rather unfunny “F*#@! You!”. You know, it’s interesting Greenie, I’ve always kind of liked David Cross, but he sure is being out-funnied by Tom Green so far tonight. I wouldn’t have imagined that in a million years.
Greenie: Yeah, I agree Zhora. Tom even seems a little low key and humble tonight.
Zhora: He does, doesn’t he! Now that David has that little outburst out of his system, we’re permitted to continue on with the game. Scott is dealt A[img]d.gif[/img] 8[img]c.gif[/img]. He likes it and bets $1,000. That will put David all-in if he calls. David is dealt A[img]s.gif[/img] 2[img]s.gif[/img] and calls all-in. Everybody else gets out of the way, so we’re going to see a flop with two players. 10[img]c.gif[/img] 10[img]s.gif[/img] 3[img]h.gif[/img] comes down, and it helps no one. Next is the J[img]s.gif[/img], giving David some hope with a flush draw. The River brings a 3[img]s.gif[/img], so David hits his flush. When the dealer starts pushing the chips towards David, Scott is totally confused, and puts up a bit of a stink. I get the feeling he didn’t realize that the cards in the middle meant anything. Hey, maybe he thinks he’s playing War. That’s the only scenario I can think of that would make his A-8 any good. I know that Phil sits down with the celebs before the game to make sure they understand the basics, but in Scott’s case, I guess Phil should have made a cheat sheet for him or something. Let’s take a closer look at David Cross. He is playing for The National Gulf War Resource Center. He just makes Tom Green look better and better with his failed attempts at humor. “Who taught me to play cards? In a sense, Jesus” He goes on to tell us that he’s lost hundreds and hundreds of dollars to Rabbi Sugarman. Hmm…perhaps the good Rabbi should have taught him jokes instead of cards.
Greenie: Oh damn! You tell him, Z! The blinds have been raised to $200/400 at the start of the next round. Carrie folds her hand not liking what she sees. Mimi has pocket Kings and makes a nice raise of $1,100. Tom doesn’t feel he could hold up to that and folds. Scott has Q[img]s.gif[/img] 9[img]c.gif[/img] and calls Mimi’s raise. I’m not sure he has any clue what a good hand is, Zhora. David folds not wanting to get into that mix. The Flop comes down 8[img]d.gif[/img] 8[img]c.gif[/img] Q[img]d.gif[/img]. Wow! This gives both Mimi and Scott two pair. And poor Scott is not going to have any clue she has pocket Kings. Scott bets huge with $4,000 and Mimi makes a great move by going all in. Scott, the egotistical ass that he is, starts saying “I’m sorry, Mimi”. Mimi just smiles and take a sip from her drink. At this point Scott asks if he can raise her, but is told that if she’s all in, she can’t possibly bet anymore. If this isn’t foreshadowing of Scott’s demise, I don’t know what is. Scott calls her all in and they turn over their cards. The tournament announcer says Mimi is in the lead with her cards, but Scott starts yelling “I got two pair” and everyone needs to start explaining to him that Mimi does also. He can’t quite believe she could possibly have two Kings in the hole. The Turn bring 7[img]d.gif[/img] and the River brings 10[img]d.gif[/img] which unbelievably gives Mimi a King high flush. What a great play by Mimi. Let’s get to know her a little better. She is playing for the Dream Foundation tonight. Her dad got her started in poker when she was young. She plays a semi-regular game and she has been doing pretty well. She claims she wins and extra $200 and comes home to tell the kids “Hey! It’s time to head out to the ice cream parlor”. Gee, I don’t know what kind of ice cream parlors have prices that equal $200, but they sure aren’t around here. She warns the other players that she wants to win, so watch out.
Zhora: Maybe the ice cream parlor near her house serves their sundaes in commemorative Tiffany Glass cups? Ah, nevermind. Let’s get back to the action. David has 7[img]s.gif[/img] 10[img]s.gif[/img] and he likes it for $800. Carrie has A[img]h.gif[/img] 6[img]s.gif[/img] and calls his bet. Mimi and Tom lay down their hands, but Scott has A[img]s.gif[/img] K[img]c.gif[/img] and he comes in for $5,000. Hmmm…that’s a nice bet. I wonder if he got some more tutelage from Phil during the commercial. Speaking of Phil, David pretends he’s getting advice from Phil through an earpiece as he pushes all-in, and then takes a sip of beer. HA! Now that was funny! I hope this aggressive play works out for him, I hate to see the guy leave just as he hits his comedic stride. Whoa, Carrie calls! That a surprise. Scott calls the extra couple of hundred bucks, as anyone would with big slick. The Flop comes 6[img]d.gif[/img] 4[img]c.gif[/img] 4[img]s.gif[/img]. That’s two pair for Carrie, but no help to anyone else. Scott is starting to get overly aggressive and bets $3,000 into the side pot. Carrie calls him. The Turn brings 10[img]h.gif[/img], giving the best 2 pair to David. Scott bets out $400. I would say that represents a sign of weakness to his opponents, but quite honestly I’m beginning to think that Scott’s brain is the ultimate sign of weakness, so it’s not really going to matter. Carrie calls the $400 side pot bet. The River is 9[img]c.gif[/img]. Scott checks, then asks, “What’s check mean?” Oh my god. That’s all I have to say. Oh my god. Carrie checks and their cards are turned over. Carrie wins the side pot with her 2 pair. When David flips his cards and it is announced that he has won the main pot, Scott doesn’t understand. “Wait, Wait, Wait” He exclaims as again, he mistakenly thinks he has won. Um, Dude, you had N.O.T.H.I.N.G. If Carrie beat you on the side pot, you weren’t even in the running for the main pot. I’m starting to think that Scott named his charity With Arms Wide Open to help him remember the lyrics to his song. I get the feeling he’d be a lot better off if the game was Duck Duck Goose tonight. Idiot. Well, moving right along…let’s get some bio information on Tom Green. He is playing for The Amanda Foundation. He tells us that he has played poker for 6 months now. Then he admits he’s played 3 times in 6 months. Next he pretends to demonstrate proficiency and incompetence at the same time. Kind of funny, kind of not. Hey, let’s take a look at the chip count. David has had quite a turnaround, and it appears that Tom is now the one in the hot seat.
Greenie: At the start of the next round the blinds have been raised to $300/600. Mimi folds her cards. Tom has a pretty good hand with A[img]d.gif[/img] 10[img]c.gif[/img] and calls. Scott has Q[img]s.gif[/img] J[img]s.gif[/img] and counts his chips slowly to raise to $2,000. David has pocket 7’s and calls the bet. Carrie folds and Tom now pushes all in, which he should have done the first bet. The Flop comes down 2[img]s.gif[/img] 5[img]s.gif[/img] 9[img]d.gif[/img], which gives Scott a flush draw, and David checks with his pair. Scott is asking everyone how to bet still. Of course, he had no idea what a flush was earlier in the game, so I’m not sure he even knows what he’s betting on. Scott finally ends up checking. The Turn brings 8[img]h.gif[/img], which actually gives David an inside straight draw now. David senses weakness and bets $1,500. Scott asks what he has to do. He finally calls the bet, chasing his flush. The River brings 6[img]c.gif[/img] giving David his straight! David bets another $1,500 and silly Scott calls. Both turn over their cards. Tom is the first contestant out this evening and David wins the side pot. Tom makes his way over to the back exclaiming “Poker in the front, liquor in the back”. Tom is certainly a tall man compared to Kevin. He explains to Kevin what had been going on all night. He kept getting 4’s and 7’s and would want to fold, but the audience kept pressuring him to play so he kept trying to play a couple hands. He ends by saying he’s ashamed and he needs a drink.
Zhora: You know, I don’t think there is all that much shame involved in hitting the Loser’s Lounge first. The shameful thing is getting beat by a guy like Scott, who doesn’t know what game he’s playing. *Giggles* Poor Tom. At least Scott is not too far behind him. I think he’s got less than a grand left in chips. Let’s get started on the next hand and see what happens. David and Carrie fold. Next in line is Mimi, but Scott pushes all-in out of turn. Holy crap, this guy gives new meaning to the word idiot. I mean really! Almost every game ever invented uses the concept of taking turns, but somehow that is beyond him. The Tournament Director makes him take back his bet so that Mimi has a chance to play. I’m guessing she shot a look towards Scott that could melt plastic, because when she calls the blinds with her 8[img]h.gif[/img] 6[img]d.gif[/img], not only does he change his all-in move, he doesn’t even bet. Scott checks with his Q[img]d.gif[/img] J[img]s.gif[/img]. The Flop is A[img]s.gif[/img] 7[img]h.gif[/img] 9[img]c.gif[/img]. Mimi has an open-ended straight draw and bets out $600. Scott is holding his remaining mini-stack of chips, looking confused again. He asks Mimi, “Is that all o’mine? Did you count ‘em?” No way. I mean it. No way. He has six $100 chips and somehow he is unable to count them on his own to figure out if calling Mimi’s bet will put him all-in. He finally gets it figured out and calls her. They flip their cards up and both stand as they wait for the outcome. I’m not sure if Mimi was just rubbing it in but she tells Scott, “We don’t do anything but watch now”. *heehee* I love it. She might as well have said, “Is your mommy in the audience? Why don’t you call her up here to hold your hand.” The next two cards are flipped and we see K[img]c.gif[/img] 6[img]c.gif[/img]. The last card gives Mimi a pair of 6’s and Scott is eliminated. He huffs away while crying out, “I just got f***ed!!!” Oh my. So he’s a sore loser AND a moron. What a lovely combination. When he makes it to the Loser’s Lounge Kevin starts kissing his ass. I guess Kevin felt sorry for him or something. Scott then tells us that Mimi scares the Hell out of him. I can see why, Scott, she has a basic grasp of poker that is completely beyond your comprehension.
Greenie: I wonder how he’ll explain not winning this since he always wins, Zhora. I would love to hear his explanation on that. He’d probably say the others cheated. Anyway, Carrie has some strong cards, an A[img]h.gif[/img] Q[img]s.gif[/img] at the start of the next hand. She only calls the big blind though. I really have a feeling she has no idea how to play this game especially since Mimi keeps coaching her with how to bet. Mimi also has a good hand with pocket 9’s. Mimi and Carrie make random faces towards one another with Carrie saying, “This is my poker face lift”. The crowd thinks this is funny. After some thinking, Mimi raises to $1,200. David folds. Mimi makes the remark that there are “Four tits on the table”. After some banter, and Mimi calling Carrie a whore, Carrie finally calls the bet. The Flop comes down 4[img]c.gif[/img] 2[img]h.gif[/img] 10[img]c.gif[/img], which doesn’t help either player. Carrie asks the dealer what she’s supposed to do. She eventually checks. Mimi bets $1,000 with her pocket 9’s and Carrie calls. The Turn brings J[img]d.gif[/img], which gives both a straight draw now. Carrie still checks and Mimi now bets $1,500 taking advantage of Carrie’s lack of poker skills. Carrie says she wants to check, but everyone informs her she has to place money down in order to see the next card. David yawns loudly and says, “oh I’m sorry, that was rude”. Carrie flips him off. These are two ballsy ladies. Not ballsy in poker per se, but . . . Carrie finally calls and the River comes down 2[img]c.gif[/img], which helps neither player. Both check and turn over the cards. Mimi wins the pot with her pocket 9’s and puts her in the lead with the chip count.
Zhora: The blinds have increased to $400/$800 as we head down the mid-stretch. There is one more clueless player to eliminate before we can get to heads up play. Let’s see how long Carrie can hold on. David is dealt 6[img]h.gif[/img] 7[img]s.gif[/img] and he calls. Carrie calls with 2[img]c.gif[/img] Q[img]c.gif[/img]. Uh oh, look out! Mimi has big slick and she’s coming in for $2,800. Remarkably enough, David and Carrie call her. The Flop comes down 2[img]d.gif[/img] 8[img]c.gif[/img] 6[img]s.gif[/img]. Mimi slows down a bit and bets $800. David calls her with his pair of 6’s, and Carrie pushes her entire $1,400 towards the pot holding onto a pair of 2’s. Mimi and David call. The Turn brings a K[img]h.gif[/img]. Wow, nice card for Mimi. She’ll be tough to beat with her pair of Kings. She only checks though. Maybe she’s setting a trap for David. Hmmm…he checks as well. The river brings a Jack and Mimi checks again. Huh?!? This can’t be a good sign for her. She must be getting tired or something. She has played solidly so far tonight but suddenly she can’t pull the trigger. David checks behind her and the hand is over. Mimi wins a relatively modest pot, and Carrie is sent packin’. Carrie gets a couple of warm fuzzy hugs from Mimi and David and then one monster hug from Kevin when she hit’s the Loser’s Lounge. While in his embrace she whimpers, “I’m gonna end up back on drugs, it’s all over for me.” OK, I suppose that was moderately funny, but she’s been kind of whiny all night, and I was hoping she’d move away from the self-deprecating humor for a minute or two. As she talks with Kevin, Scott interrupts her to tell us that David is not better than him, he just got lucky. Would somebody please stuff a fist in his face? Really. I’d pay money to see that. Phil? Somebody?
Greenie: I’ll do it. For free. Easily. We’re down to the final two players. And I must say I’m glad to see it’s these two because I found the other three seemed to have taken the short bus here to the casino.
Zhora: *heeheehee* Oh, that explains so much! It all makes sense now!
Greenie: I think Mimi has had a commanding role in this tournament, and it will be interesting if she can keep her lead with heads up play against David. David has Q[img]c.gif[/img] 4[img]h.gif[/img] and calls. Mimi has A[img]c.gif[/img] 5[img]d.gif[/img] and makes a great bet of $1,500. David calls and I think this is a poor call by him because he doesn’t have great cards to start out with. The Flop comes down 6[img]d.gif[/img] 5[img]s.gif[/img] 8[img]h.gif[/img]. This gives Mimi a pair of 5’s and David a straight draw. David checks, and Mimi bets $1,600. Again David calls, chasing his straight. The Turn brings 9[img]h.gif[/img] helping no one. Mimi checks this time and David aggressively bets $1,600. It turns out to be a brilliant move because Mimi ends up folding. Although I didn’t think David should have been in that hand, he ended up doing some nice betting and winning the pot.
Zhora: Mimi seems nervous. She has a hankie that she keeps wiping her hands on like it’s her binky or something. She starts off the next hand by raising the bet to $2,500 with her A[img]s.gif[/img] 7[img]c.gif[/img]. David has an A[img]h.gif[/img] 8[img]d.gif[/img], and sensing her nervousness, raises the bet to $6,000. Mimi folds, muttering “I can’t do it, I can’t do it”. Not a good sign for her. David has taken over the chip lead now, and she’s feelin’ the pressure.
Greenie: At the start of the next hand David is dealt J[img]c.gif[/img] Q[img]c.gif[/img] and raises $3,000. Mimi tries to distract David with some lip puckering, but he informs her he will not make out with her because his girlfriend is in the audience. Mimi eventually looks at her cards and has K[img]d.gif[/img] 2[img]s.gif[/img] which is not a great hand, but calls to see a flop. The Flop comes down 8[img]d.gif[/img] 9[img]s.gif[/img] 2[img]c.gif[/img] giving Mimi a pair of 2’s. Mimi bets $1,000 and David calls. The Turn brings 4[img]d.gif[/img] and Mimi checks. David bluff bets $1,000 and Mimi folds. David tells Mimi he had it, referring to the straight. He continues to bluff even after the hand is done.
Zhora: I think I know what’s happening here Greenie. Mimi plays in a regular poker game. She has gotten quite good at playing with a group of people and she feels comfortable playing hold’em in that kind of situation. Playing heads-up, tournament-style poker is a lot different. You have to play cards you would never even think of playing at a full table of 9. You have to bluff more often or your opponent will eat you for dinner. It was easy for her to be aggressive when there was a group at the table, but now that it’s one on one David has stepped up his game and the pressure is getting to her. Maybe she’ll be able to turn it around, maybe she’ll just wet her pants. Let’s see what happens. David starts the next hand with A[img]s.gif[/img] 8[img]h.gif[/img]. He bets $3,000. Mimi calls with J[img]h.gif[/img] 8[img]s.gif[/img]. The Flop is 7[img]s.gif[/img] A[img]s.gif[/img] Q[img]d.gif[/img]. Mimi tests the waters with a $1,500 bet. David raises her another $2,000. That was a sweet raise by David, and Mimi folds.
Greenie: The blinds are now $1,000/$2,000 so it’s getting expensive to fold. After the announcer says “Shuffle up and deal”, David exclaims “Shuffle the F#$% up”. I guess that was funny. David has Q[img]d.gif[/img] 3[img]c.gif[/img] and calls. Mimi has 4[img]c.gif[/img] 2[img]h.gif[/img] and being short stacked goes all in. David calls and they turn over their cards. The Flop comes down 9[img]d.gif[/img] 2[img]c.gif[/img] 8[img]d.gif[/img], which actually gives Mimi a pair of 2’s. The Turn is 3[img]s.gif[/img] though and gives David the higher pair. Mimi says to David “this has to be the wimpiest hand!” I agree. I would have liked to see more excitement on the final hand instead of 2’s and 3’s. The River brings 7[img]d.gif[/img] and David wins the hand. Kevin comes out to present David with the silver chip for the final round. David rambles on about going out and hitting the ball and that he gave only 108% because he wanted to save some for the final round. He ended with thanking God and that God wanted him to win and didn’t want them to win.
Zhora: I am laughing my silly behind off. That speech was hilarious! It had 10 times the comedic punch of the interview response lines Crash taught Ebby Calvin in Bull Durham. David’s timing cracked me up, and I loved the flustered look it caused Kevin. Hey Greenie, look at Phil! Doesn’t he look great tonight? Hubba hubba!
Greenie: Everyone seems plastered.
Zhora: Hey! I’ve only had a couple of glasses of wine, and Phil looked great before the first one even showed up, so I hope you’re not talking about me! *heehee*
Greenie: Oh no, you look fab and sound fab! Hopefully David will recover for the final round when we will see our previous winners: Willie Garson, Richard Schiff, Nicole Sullivan, and Paul Rudd. Hopefully this will be our most exciting round yet!
Zhora I’m sure it will be Greenie. Everyone will have more than just a basic grasp of the game since they are all previous winners, and with the stakes so high, I’m sure the intensity will blow the roof off. I can’t wait! See ya there!