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Thread: Sandra Bullock and Jesse James

  1. #171
    8/2/64 until forever! AZChristian's Avatar
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    Re: Sandra Bullock and Jesse James

    I'm normally not too sympathetic to the "abuse excuse," but please let me explain why I think Jesse's case is different.

    He didn't just "come to" and decide that he "may" have been abused as a child. There were pictures of him with a black eye and a broken arm, both administered by his father who, if I remember correctly, was his primary caregiver. Having been continually abused by someone who should have been your protector does do something to you. He was continually verbally and emotionally abused as well. We tend to believe our caregivers as children. If we are told - or treated as though - we are worthless and don't deserve good things, we tend to buy into it. It sounds like it wasn't until he got into rehab/therapy that he realized how self-sabotaging his adult behavior was.

    I was similarly abused as a child. Then I married the kindest, sweetest person in the world, and then began to try to make the self-fulfilling prophecy of "you don't deserve someone this good" come true. I was not very nice to him. I was pushing him away before he had a chance to reject me first. Finally, after 13 years, he looked me right in the eye and said, "No matter how you act, you can't make me stop loving you, so why don't you stop trying." What a life-changing moment that was. If there was one thing I knew about him, I knew that he didn't say things he didn't mean. That was when I started consciously working on changing how I behaved to him and to others. We have now been married for over 45 years, and the last 32 have been a lot better than the first 13.

    We've all seen celebrities (and others) use the "abuse excuse" in the hopes that people will cut them some slack for their misdeeds. But I've never seen anyone who also seemed to recognize their own responsibility in those misdeeds as much as Jesse did in his interview. He had nothing but wonderful things to say about Sandra, and he knows he blew the best thing that ever happened to him.

    I guess the proof will be in the pudding. If Jesse does, indeed, refrain from similar "self-sabotaging" behavior in the future, the sincerity of what he said will be proven. I'm hoping that he really has learned. Call me a cockeyed optimist.
    Last edited by AZChristian; 05-26-2010 at 02:25 PM.
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  2. #172
    FORT Fogey momrek06's Avatar
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    Re: Sandra Bullock and Jesse James

    Thank you, AZChristian, for sharing your wonderful story!!! I am happy you are soooo happy!!!
    KAREN

  3. #173
    FORT Fogey nanarama's Avatar
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    Re: Sandra Bullock and Jesse James

    Quote Originally Posted by AZChristian;3914746;
    I'm normally not too sympathetic to the "abuse excuse," but please let me explain why I think Jesse's case is different.

    He didn't just "come to" and decide that he "may" have been abused as a child. There were pictures of him with a black eye and a broken arm, both administered by his father who, if I remember correctly, was his primary caregiver. Having been continually abused by someone who should have been your protector does do something to you. He was continually verbally and emotionally abused as well. We tend to believe our caregivers as children. If we are told - or treated as though - we are worthless and don't deserve good things, we tend to buy into it. It sounds like it wasn't until he got into rehab/therapy that he realized how self-sabotaging his adult behavior was.

    I was similarly abused as a child. Then I married the kindest, sweetest person in the world, and then began to try to make the self-fulfilling prophecy of "you don't deserve someone this good" come true. I was not very nice to him. I was pushing him away before he had a chance to reject me first. Finally, after 13 years, he looked me right in the eye and said, "No matter how you act, you can't make me stop loving you, so why don't you stop trying." What a life-changing moment that was. If there was one thing I knew about him, I knew that he didn't say things he didn't mean. That was when I started consciously working on changing how I behaved to him and to others. We have now been married for over 45 years, and the last 32 have been a lot better than the first 13.

    We've all seen celebrities (and others) use the "abuse excuse" in the hopes that people will cut them some slack for their misdeeds. But I've never seen anyone who also seemed to recognize their own responsibility in those misdeeds as much as Jesse did in his interview. He had nothing but wonderful things to say about Sandra, and he knows he blew the best thing that ever happened to him.

    I guess the proof will be in the pudding. If Jesse does, indeed, refrain from similar "self-sabotaging" behavior in the future, the sincerity of what he said will be proven. I'm hoping that he really has learned. Call me a cockeyed optimist.
    What a wonderful, insightful post. Thank you for sharing something very private.
    As far as Jesse is concerned, horrible as his behavior as been, I believe he can change and become a better person. Hopefully, the counseling he has received will make that possible. If nothing else, he needs to do it for his kids.

  4. #174
    runs with scissors waywyrd's Avatar
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    Re: Sandra Bullock and Jesse James

    I saw pieces of the interview. While I'm not ready to be a fan of his again, I do hope he's sincere and does right from now on because he really blew it. Time will tell.
    Time you enjoy wasting was not wasted - John Lennon

  5. #175
    FORT Fogey Brandy's Avatar
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    Re: Sandra Bullock and Jesse James

    I hope the best for him also - but when I say "abuse excuse" I mean that I don't think it should be brought into an apology at all (NOT that it isn't true). If he's going to take responsibility, then take it, without any ifs ands or buts, without asking for pity at the same time. Let that come later. Right now, Sandra must really be hurting, and the focus should be on her.

    I see this as a ploy to rehabilitate his public image. Sorry, maybe I'm jaded.

    I know about this type of thing from the inside out also, but if I do something wrong as an adult, I say I'm sorry, period. Everyone has their tragic stories in life, but if he's sincere he should keep that for another day. It may be that Sandra doesn't even want this talked about in the press at all, and here he is, back in the spotlight, airing their dirty laundry.

    I prefer the way she's handling it - privately.

  6. #176
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    Re: Sandra Bullock and Jesse James

    Didn't watch the interview, but have seen / heard some excerpts and have seen that some of it was attibuted to abuse.
    Sorry, but I am just growing a bit weary of this from celebs, politicians, ad infinitum.
    I don't know anyone in this world who was raised by perfect parents who always handled things perfectly. Dysfunction is more the norm than the exception. And, I'm tired of people blaming everyone else for their own imperfections.
    We have what is called free will. We can choose to exercise it and not continually play the blame game.
    To Thine Own Self Be True

  7. #177
    Kao
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    Re: Sandra Bullock and Jesse James

    Quote Originally Posted by norealityhere;3916502;
    Didn't watch the interview, but have seen / heard some excerpts and have seen that some of it was attibuted to abuse.
    Sorry, but I am just growing a bit weary of this from celebs, politicians, ad infinitum.
    I don't know anyone in this world who was raised by perfect parents who always handled things perfectly. Dysfunction is more the norm than the exception. And, I'm tired of people blaming everyone else for their own imperfections.
    We have what is called free will. We can choose to exercise it and not continually play the blame game.
    Not to mention that it's an insult to people who grew up under the foulest of situations and still manage to be decent human beings.

  8. #178
    FORT Fogey causingchaos's Avatar
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    Re: Sandra Bullock and Jesse James

    I think his behavior was disgusting generally speaking. However, it was very clear from other TV shows he had done that stable relationships was not something he was good at. From his first marriage to his fiasco with Janine etc. It was obviously something he needed to work on. And I wonder how much of Sandra's relationship was based around "fixing" him.

    Anyhow, I watched part of the interview. And about the abuse situation. Excuse or not it is a contributing factor. He likely has an attachment disorder due to the abuse which will impact his interpersonal relationships for many years. It's not something you just wake up and decide to resolve. I've had to make very conscious efforts to over ride similar impulses I have had due to issues in my life. There was a period of time where I cheated on boyfriends, picked bad partners etc. And I'm happily not in a relationship now but courting the idea with another guy who is very nice but it takes a lot of effort to wade through the thoughts and feelings about him and determining if I'm really not compatible with him or and I feeling not compatible because he's nice and I don't deserve that and I'm really functional now with my interpersonal relationships (keep good friends around etc.). And really I probably wouldn't have started looking at my relationship stuff if I had been confronted with a friend who sabotages their relationships in awful ways.

    I don't find it to be an excuse but it is a contributing factor into how people interact with each other. That's just reality. And I find it hard to believe that Sandra went into this not knowing about his dysfunction. And I'm not blaming her but dysfunctional relationships are dysfunctional through and through in my experience in their own ways. It's rarely not enmeshed between the partners. Both come to them with dysfunction.

  9. #179
    MRD
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    Re: Sandra Bullock and Jesse James

    When you grow up in a situation that is abusive, you come to regard that as your normal. And it can and does affect you into adulthood. VERY FEW people are able to overcome that as adults. It's one thing to make a concious decision that you are going to change behavior that was instilled in you as a child. It's another thing all together to actually do it.
    It's like quitting smoking or quitting drinking. Not an easy thing to do.

    So while I think what he did was horrible. That free will thing isn't as easy as some make it out to be. Believe me, I know.
    Que me amat, amet et canem meum
    (Who loves me will love my dog also)

  10. #180
    FORT Fogey Brandy's Avatar
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    Re: Sandra Bullock and Jesse James

    Quote Originally Posted by Kao;3916947;
    Not to mention that it's an insult to people who grew up under the foulest of situations and still manage to be decent human beings.
    This.

    Of course it's a contributing factor and part of his psyche, but his using it right now and in this context seems manipulative. There's a thin line between reason, and excuse. "I'm sorry but" isn't really a sorry.

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