Wedding is a Suri thing
The long-feuding Cruise and Shields clans made peace this weekend with the surprise wedding of Suri Cruise and Grier Shields Henchy, who both turned 20 yesterday. The lavish lesbian ceremony was held on the grounds of John Travolta's Battlefield Earth Theme Park (formerly St. Patrick's Cathedral). But our spy, Webster Hall archeologist Baird Jones Jr., offered an exclusive account of the nuptials officiated by Pope Bono.
The brides wore matching white Wal-Mart Wang gowns trailed by 20-foot trains carried by miniature Chihuahuas, all descendants of Tinkerbell Hilton.
They exchanged rings - gifts from Oprah Winfrey, Omega Thetan IV, the peacemaker who brought Suri's dad, Tom Cruise, and Grier's mom, Brooke Shields, together to bury the hatchet in a very special "Oprah" Super Bowl LIX halftime show - the highest-rated program ever.
The happy couple met in a Beverly Hills prison, after Grier was arrested for peddling anti-depressants. Suri was in the next cell, recovering from an overdose of Zoloft. Two days later, Suri was trampolining on couches at the "Late Nights with Lindsay and Dina Lohan" show.
Tom Cruise said the wedding was "extraordinary!" "Amazing!" "She's an extraordinary woman!" and "Xenu-rific!" Katie Holmes was silent, as she has been for the past two decades.
Guests were disappointed, however, when the placenta puffs were gobbled up by an out-of control and uninvited Kirstie Alley (star of the reality hit "Nearly Dead From Advance Complications due to Type II Diabetes Actress"). Two paparazzi were killed by surface-to-air missiles (legal under Patriot Act 79) when their jetpacks drifted too close to the proceedings. Cruise-Henchy sold the exclusive photo rights to Jill Johnson, 12, who leads the MySpace rankings with 92 million friends. "This rulz, LOL!" Jill wrote.
Cruise-Henchy will honeymoon at Brokeback Mountain National Park, formerly Wyoming.